Destination wedding dilemma - Update page 8

[sk!mom]

I'm solidly in the camp that no one gets to decide how you should spend your money. I also feel strongly that if I "have" to attend something then the host better check all the details with me first.

Given those two things, I think that you have a couple of options:

1. She's given you a good while to plan and save if you want to attend. However, if you either cannot afford or do not want to spend your vacation dollars in this way then decline and move on.

2. If you want to go and cannot afford to take the whole family, then maybe you just go alone or you and the two older children. DH and I have done similar many times over 32 years. Several years ago, just DD and I went to my sisters out of state wedding. Until his recent cancer diagnosis changed all our plans, DH was heading to his niece's out of state wedding alone next month. This option would be my preference as I fear that I would regret missing my sister's wedding.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[Anne34]

I would stay at Beaches Sandy Bay and take the free shuttle over to Beaches Negril for the wedding. It was about $2500 less for our week at Sandy Bay than at Negril....my kids would have prefered Negril, but I like to take two vacations a year and it wouldn't be done at that price.

Also, another option is to just go for 3 nights or so -- also try to find direct airfare...you are far enough out and May is an off month, so it might be ok.

We skipped my cousins wedding in Hawaii, but I would probably go for my sister. Just do whatever you feel is best for your family (even if that is only you going for a couple days).

 

[kirstenb1]

First, congratulations on the new baby.

I know you pposted a while back about your mom saying your sister is upset because "family" isn't supporting her decision. That sounds like your other siblings may not be going either.

I love the idea upthread about you hosting a shower. That would be a great gesture if you decide not to go to the wedding. I'd be hard pressed to spend the kind of $$$ to go, so I completely understand your feelings.

 

[englishteacha]

There is no way I am working for 6 months to pay to attend someone else's wedding. No dice. If you want people to come to your wedding, you can't have it somewhere that is cost prohibitive for your guests.

I understand your sister feeling hurt that people may not come, but if it's such a big deal to her, then she needs to reconsider her venue. I agree that you and she, or you and your husband together and she, need to have a conversation. I would have been so sad if my sisters couldn't attend my wedding, but if it were due to a choice I had made, I would have to weigh that choice against having my family there.

 

[reginaastralis]

I think your sister is putting your entire family in a really tough spot, and that's simply not fair. We're in a preplanning stage in our wedding, and while I'd love to get married somewhere like Greece or Hawaii ... I know it's simply possible, and would be really unfair for our families.

While my cousin didn't have any plans on getting married in Florida, it was where she was from (she'd moved to California) but her whole family was here, so she planned her wedding back home to help out everyone. I'm now in the opposite camp, where most of our family has now made the treck out to California ... can I expect them to make the trip back home for my wedding?

I don't know what options there really are for you all, but I wouldn't be willing to spend that much money, not even for my sister. If it doesn't work, it simply doesn't work. I don't know what else she expects, and that's really selfish of her.

 

[QVCshopper]

Thanks everyone. I think we will look into just me, DH, and the baby going, if at all. Maybe my in-laws can watch the kids. Or maybe I will look into Sandy Bay. I don't know much about the area. Otherwise, I'll just offer to do the shower. Hoenestly, I have to just make a decision and move on.

The last time we talked about it, I didn't get far and my sister said "just go to Disney," so I know she's hurt/upset. But, to be honest, we could get two trips to Disney for that amount.

And, yes, my older brother--the only other sibling with kids--does not sound like he is going. I guess I'm just bummed, and my DD will be disappointed. But, it's what my sister wants. Thanks for listening!

 

[MrsPete]

I'm hearing three things:

1. You seem to have made up your mind not to go, though you're still feeling guilty about that choice. You shouldn't feel badly. This is the only sensible choice. You should give her a nice gift and decide to move on emotionally.

2. She is acting spoiled, but remember that this is her wedding and she feels like she's the center of the universe right now. This is the most important event that's happened in her life thusfar, and she isn't capable of grasping why you aren't willing to embrace any sacrafice to be present. In future years her priorities will be closer to yours; but that won't happen today. You have to listen to her whine, but it's okay to say, "Oh, it all sounds so wonderful. I do wish we could go, but it's just impossible."

3. You definitely have unresolved issues about your parents' financial contributions to you vs. those to your siblings -- you brought it up a couple times, even though it doesn't have anything to do with your sister's wedding choices. We oldest children have it best in some ways, but worse in others. Remember that your sister didn't make this situation, so you can't hold it against her.

 

[QVCshopper]

I'm hearing three things:

3. You definitely have unresolved issues about your parents' financial contributions to you vs. those to your siblings -- you brought it up a couple times, even though it doesn't have anything to do with your sister's wedding choices. We oldest children have it best in some ways, but worse in others. Remember that your sister didn't make this situation, so you can't hold it against her.

Very true, I do. I had to graduate early, work almost full time during school, and work 7 days a week during summers to pay for college, while my sisters hardly worked at all. My parents also left me with no money for food or transportation home. They say it's because I have "drive" and I could make it work.

And I think I bring it up because my sister doesn't want to save to have her wedding like I saved. I should try to get over it; it's not her fault. You are right.

But, I am going to try to be equally fair to my kids.

 

[Nancyg56]

It sounds like your siblings are struggling with this decision as well. This tells me that Sis is going to be very disappointed when she begins to get her responses and more folks decline than she thought. I think that people who plan events that incur exorbitant costs for those obligated to attend are living with blinders on.

I love the idea of destination weddings but I know that in my family most folks would not attend. I know that the couples generally are not upset but it seems that your sister has decided that her wishes trump the rest of the family finances.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thanks everyone. I think we will look into just me, DH, and the baby going, if at all. Maybe my in-laws can watch the kids. Or maybe I will look into Sandy Bay. I don't know much about the area. Otherwise, I'll just offer to do the shower. Hoenestly, I have to just make a decision and move on.

The last time we talked about it, I didn't get far and my sister said "just go to Disney," so I know she's hurt/upset. But, to be honest, we could get two trips to Disney for that amount.

And, yes, my older brother--the only other sibling with kids--does not sound like he is going. I guess I'm just bummed, and my DD will be disappointed. But, it's what my sister wants. Thanks for listening!

If I had to leave anyone home, it would be DH and the baby. It's a really fun vacation for children - there is no way I could leave kids that age home! Dd15 still looks at pictures, or commercials, and is totally bummed that she was too young to remember it.

 

[QVCshopper]

If I had to leave anyone home, it would be DH and the baby. It's a really fun vacation for children - there is no way I could leave kids that age home! Dd15 still looks at pictures, or commercials, and is totally bummed that she was too young to remember it.

I can't leave the baby; I will still be nursing her. I nursed my son until 19 months, so I'll go that long with her, too.

 

[Jenn]

My sister had a destination wedding but it was at Disney! We own DVC so we got the rooms for my family (us, our parents, other sister and bride and groom). We knew a year in advance so we just planned that as our vacation that year. It worked out great.

Jamaica has a ton of resorts in all price ranges. I would price out other options. If you flew in a day or two before the wedding, and then stayed for a few days after you could make a nice vacation out of it. A lot of cities have companies that do package deals including airfare.

 

[Samar]

Back for an update. I had my baby girl, and she is great. And, my sister is going ahead with the destination wedding. She is choosing Beaches Negril in Jamaica, which I've heard is fairly expensive from a recent thread on the DIS, in May 2013. My DH priced out a trip for the five of us and it was $6k, not including airfare or passports, because we apparently need a suite with now with the baby. Not sure if we can get a discount or maybe do something else with the rooms. My sister is booking next month because it has to be only one year out, so I'll know more then.

That said, I'm still upset about this situation. I think it does come down to the fact that I put myself through college, while my parents paid for my younger two sisters. I would never ask anyone to spend this kind of money to come to my affair. I've worked so hard for everything and I don't see this as fair.

And, I get that people say that those who host destination weddings are okay with people not coming, but my mom said my sister cries to her about how her family is not supporting her on her wedding choice. And then my DD7 was begging to be my sister's flower girl, and my sister didn't say anything, like ignored her, so I had to say we'll see, etc. I just feel so bad about the whole situation. And when I mentioned just me or me, DH, and baby going to my sister, it didn't seem like it was good enough without my DD7 and DS6.

I'm going to price it out once the wedding is booked, but my DH is basically saying we're not going unless it costs much less. I'd have to work 6 months from home to pay for it; and working one armed while nursing and staying up until midnight while getting up with a baby--it's not easy! I think it just comes down to the fact that my sister and I are in very different places in life right now...

I would just go with the baby. It would be much cheaper for you to go solo(ish) than to shell out that much for a destination wedding with so little time to save. It would be one thing if it was a long engagement and you had a couple years to save but a year is just not enough...

 

[gk90]

That said, I'm still upset about this situation. I think it does come down to the fact that I put myself through college, while my parents paid for my younger two sisters. I would never ask anyone to spend this kind of money to come to my affair. I've worked so hard for everything and I don't see this as fair.

I'd have to work 6 months from home to pay for it; and working one armed while nursing and staying up until midnight while getting up with a baby--it's not easy!

I would be upset too. And if your mom and sister are upset at you for not "supporting" her--it looks like they don't realize what they're asking you to do. I would just frame the bolded statement from your post above and hand it to both of them.

 

[Mama Who]

Thanks everyone. I think we will look into just me, DH, and the baby going, if at all. Maybe my in-laws can watch the kids. Or maybe I will look into Sandy Bay. I don't know much about the area. Otherwise, I'll just offer to do the shower. Hoenestly, I have to just make a decision and move on.

The last time we talked about it, I didn't get far and my sister said "just go to Disney," so I know she's hurt/upset. But, to be honest, we could get two trips to Disney for that amount.

And, yes, my older brother--the only other sibling with kids--does not sound like he is going. I guess I'm just bummed, and my DD will be disappointed. But, it's what my sister wants. Thanks for listening!

Your sister needs a spanking- and that's coming from someone who doesn't *believe* in spanking.

I would tell her you have $500 (or $1000 or $200 or whatever) to spend on her wedding. Tell her that if she wants you to do anything outside that budget she will have to fund it herself. Ask her, if she objects, how much she spent attending YOUR wedding.

 

[honeydiane1953]

I think u r feeling guilty about not being able to go with family due to costs. Very understandable. Couldn't u go by yourself? I go alone to lots of things as I enjoy doing some things solo.

 

[crisi]

I wouldn't go. And I'd lay it out for her.

This would involve me going to work for six months....this is an entire year of community college for one of the kids.....this is our new furnace that we are going to need in the next few years.....this is two trips to Disney, which the kids love, when they could care less if they go to a beach in Jamaica at this age.....Right now, my priorities have to be my own kids, not my sister. I would LOVE to be there, but I'm not willing to risk their financial security (or not be home for them right now when they need me). Whatever it is, make her understand the trades you are looking at so that she can say her vows in Jamaica. And let her know that you love her and support her, but if its a choice, you are going to choose your kids security over attending some event for her every time - and you really hope that when she has kids, she does the same.

I certainly wouldn't leave the kids at home when your daughter is dreaming of flower girl. If you go, your sister might not let her be a flower girl, but the thought is in her head.

 

[Nancyg56]

I certainly wouldn't leave the kids at home when your daughter is dreaming of flower girl. If you go, your sister might not let her be a flower girl, but the thought is in her head.

Exactly.

 

[maggiew]

My daughter's boyfriend's sister (got that ), had a destination wedding in Jamaica. They had a small reception here in town after they got back. Maybe you can offer to host a reception for those people who could not go to Jamaica??

My daughter said this reception was like a picnic, so no need for it to be a big, fancy (i.e. expensive) thing. It would be much cheaper than taking everyone to Jamaica!!

Although my daughter (who was NOT invited to the destination wedding) called it a "pity reception". She is still a little bitter about it ...

Maggie

 

[MrsPete]

Very true, I do. I had to graduate early, work almost full time during school, and work 7 days a week during summers to pay for college, while my sisters hardly worked at all. My parents also left me with no money for food or transportation home. They say it's because I have "drive" and I could make it work.

And I think I bring it up because my sister doesn't want to save to have her wedding like I saved. I should try to get over it; it's not her fault. You are right.

But, I am going to try to be equally fair to my kids.

My situation wasn't all that different. My parents had more kids than they could handle, and as the oldest I got the least of everything -- and was required to give up my high school years to act as an unpaid babysitter and tutor for the younger ones. My mother wanted me NOT to go to college because it deprived her of her help; other issues were involved there too. I know they didn't have money, but I also didn't get any emotional support. In contrast, once a couple of us were out of the house and my parents had more time (and money), the younger ones got much better treatment.

Things between me and my mother are much better now, but I can't say I've forgotten all that. Regardless, I've never held any of it against my siblings. They had nothing to do with making that situation, and if I'd been younger instead of older I would've accepted the help given to me just as they did.

Realize, too, that whatever she does with her wedding is hers. Your choices have to do with whether to attend. Don't feel responsible for more than is actually "yours". I think that's an oldest child tendency.

You're right to try to treat your kids equally. It won't work out perfectly; they'll have different opportunities, etc. as time goes by. Everything seems to work out for my oldest: She was always assigned to the best teachers, fell in with good friends, was offered the chance for great extra stuff at school. My poor youngest often was assigned to lesser teachers, her peer group at school just isn't as "enriched" -- in fact, she has a bunch of bullies in her grade -- and things just seem to "disappear" when she ages into them. Nothing I can do about those things, but it has affected their upbringing.