Depression over Vasectomy

[kpgriswold]

It's an end. It's a loss. It is natural and OK to grieve something that was an enjoyable and important part of your life. Feel what you feel when you feel it, and don't worry so much about what you "should" be thinking.

As pps have noted, though, if the sadness interferes with the other parts of your life or really drags on, talk to a counselor.

 

[momma2minnie]

I may be a little off and don't usually get involved in these topics, but here goes....to you, and hats off to your DH who obviously loves you and your children if he's willing to take that step.

I wish you and your family well!

 

[TamaraQT]

I had to have a hysterectomy after my DD3 was born. She will be 4 in May. I still feel a sense of loss some days knowing I cannot have anymore no matter what. My family doctor told me to expect that feeling and boy was he right. Its a difference when you make the decision not to have one or having it be made for you no matter what the circumstance. Once I was at the mall and was in tears when I saw a newborn baby being cuddled by her mother. I was in tears because I knew and felt I will never ever have that ever again. Geez!!

 

[thebeesknees]

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories, and thank you Happiest Mommy for sharing what you are feeling, too. I had a very high-risk pregnancy with my last child, and 3 other losses, and my doctor advised not having any more children. I always wanted 4 kids, so I've felt very conflicted about it. My husband keeps reminding me that it won't do our other kids any good if I'm not around to raise them, and I know he's right, but I've still spent quite a bit of time grieving over that 4th baby I will never have. It's especially tough when a close friend or family member announces their pregnancy and I feel that twinge of regret that I'll never have that again, or feel another little life inside me. I'm gradually coming out of my funk, though. I'm trying to rejoice in this stage of life - I can sleep all night now, we are finally able to go out and not work around a baby's feeding schedule, my "baby" is walking and talking and is a real stitch, etc. Anyway, I guess this is just a long way of saying it's nice to know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling.

 

[momof1princess]

i am so sorry, OP, i know your pain. when my DD was born, she was stuck face-first in my cervix and had to be removed via c-section. my uterus was torn all to pieces in the process (we had no idea HOW she was stuck at the time) and after repairing it, my ob/gyn told my family i shouldn't get pregnant again. if i did, i would need surgery to implant a support in my uterus and even then, there was no guarantee my uterus wouldn't rupture. DH refuses to risk it, he says he'd rather have me than another baby, and i long for a second baby every day of my life. i know there are women all over the world who can't have children at all, so i TRY to be grateful for the one i have, but it's so hard.
you are not alone

 

[**eeyore**]

Do not forget there are other ways to grow your family if both feel your family is not complete. Adoption is a loving choice.

I can understand if the OP doesn't feel like this is something to think about at this time, but thank you MsSandra for pointing out that adoption can sometimes be the answer for some couples

 

[SaraMc]

I totally understand how you feel. I had two slightly high risk pregnancies and we decided no more kids. DH had his vasectomy about a month and a half ago and I was sad. I was sad on the way home that what if we had made a mistake. For me its about the what if's. Dh was a trouper through his procedure and we really have focused on him getting his ok from the doctor and really focusing on our two sweet kids.
DH likes to joke, if we had three kids, they might stage a coo and take over. Also that we would have to get suites at the resorts. So all in all its a win win. However you never know, one day we might adopt some little face that needs love and humour and more love.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I understand what you are feeling. I am currently 37 weeks pregnant right now with my 2nd child (I'm 38). I had preeclampsia with my first son (who is now 12) and I have been deemed high risk with this child as well. I have hypertension and gestational diabetes with this child.

I have a wonderful perinatologist who does not believe in mincing words. She told me that I really was not in the best condition to get pregnant this time and I should not consider any more children after he is born. The logical part of me agrees, and because I am having a scheduled C, I have also arranged to have a tubal ligation at the same time.

Sometimes I just cry because this will be my last child. I worry because I think, what if something goes wrong and then I can't have any more children? It is almost like I am losing part of my femininity.

Logically, I would be selfish to put my children through this in the future. They need their mom and I need to be as healthy as can be for them.

I think you've got a wonderful husband. And, if it makes you feel better, in the future if you do change your mind, vasectomies can often be reversed. So, you still have a little bit of a chance!

I do understand what you are going through. I am thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

 

[El&Asmom]

I have to chime in too. Like a PP, I couldn't go through with the big V for dh. I chickened out and had an IUD put in when dd3 was 6m old this past summer. It was a good way to provide BC without doing something that I may end up regretting. It allowed me to take time to get to the point I'm at now which is knowing that we are done. We really can't afford a 4th and maintain our lifestyle, and I think another kid would probably put me over the edge.
I agree that it is normal to mourn the end of that stage of your life. Since I was a teenager, I couldn't wait to become a mom. I dreamed of the day we could start trying to have a baby. The fact that that I'm past that stage is tough, especially when I have friends that are still in the midst of growing their families.
I know that this is the right decision for us, and as time goes on, it has gotten easier to see this as our complete family. Eventually, there has to be the "last" child.
I'm excited to move on to the next stage of raising our children. I LOVE babies, nursing, babywearing, and snuggling with a squishy little newborn. I haven't weaned dd3 yet as I can't stand the thought that I'll never bf again. I won't however miss the lack of sleep that comes with us having babies. Our dd3 is 14m now, and still wakes up 1-2 times a night. I'm excited to have some of me back as well. When they're little, I feel like I have to give up a lot of the things that I enjoy since we are so busy with the kids, and there just isn't enough time in the day. I'm not complaining, it is just how things are right now, and I know it will get easier in time. More time for the gym, vacationing will get easier, they'll become less dependant on me for every need, and so on.
It has been very hard for me to get to this point, but I'm feeling better about it everyday. Take some time to get used to the idea, and know that it is right for you and your family. Best wishes.

 

[connorsmom911]

My youngest is 2 1/2 and I still have feelings about never being pregnant again. My situation was a bit different...I had fertility problems before ds1 and he wound up as a emerg c-section. Got pregnant with ds2 quite easily, and he was a scheduled c-section. We talked for a long time about getting my tubes tied. In my mind I knew we should stop at our wonderful, healthy 2 boys, and I was already 35, but in my heart I always wanted a girl and deep down I knew I wasn't ready.

Even on the morning in question, I hesitated and asked my then husband if we really wanted to go through with this and he insisted. He never offered to get a vasectomy, and I just opted for getting my tubes tied because it was a scheduled c-section and the doctor was in there anyway. Little did I know then that when he said he was done having kids, he really meant that he was done having kids with me. He had started another life with another woman when I was 4 wks pregnant, and was already planning to leave me for her. We split up when my youngest was 6 weeks old, and I found out about his affair shortly after. They plan to have more kids together.

I am getting through with great support from family and friends, a great counsellor, and of course my 2 boys. I have let go and forgiven almost everything, but in my heart I know I will never forgive him for pressuring me into tying my tubes. I loved being pregnant, loved having little babies, and with both my boys I feel like I missed out on their babyhood due to situations with him (we had some struggles after our first dh too), and I can never get that time back.

So, yes, it is a grieving period, and although in time it will fade, I don't think it ever truly goes away. It's yet another one of those things that only a mother understands.

 

[kacaju]

Just wanted to let you know that I too went through a mourning period when I realized I was done. I have 3dd's 16, 14 and 10.
Unlike so many of you I never had any problems getting pregnant, nor did I have any problems throught the pregnancy or delivery. Neither dh or I have been *fixed*.

I went in to my Dr. for my yearly check up a year after she was born My Dr. asked me if we were finished having children and I said yes. I left his office. got in the car and cried. For me, it seemed by telling my Dr we were done sealed the deal so to speak. I do remember being depressed for about 3 months after.

 

[think-like-tink]

(((HUGS))) to you. I think as moms...we always "want" more children. It's what we do,right?
I don't think it ever goes away. Just gets lighter.

 

[Janet Hill]

I too think just knowing you're done is depressing for awhile, even when you know it's the right decision.

I never had any problems getting pregant, and when I had my last child at 42, we knew that we weren't going to have anymore. Age and budget were the primary reasons. We had been discussing who was going to get "fixed" so to speak. and then I had to have an emergency C-Section. Ok, decision made, I'll get the tubal. No fuss. My immediate reaction, wow this was easy and I was happy. About a month later while passing the maternity section of a department store, I started cyring and had to go home. I was depressed for about 3 or 4 months after that.

 

[Mom2JPL]

I understand where you're coming from. After years of infertility, we adopted our wonderful dd6. Then we went on to have two biological kids, ds5 (in two weeks!) and dd3. Both kids were delivered via c-section (ds was an emergency c-section, and dd was scheduled). My doctor asked if I wanted a tubal ligation while "she was in there" and I said no. After so many years of stuggling with infertility I just couldn't hand it over like it. I didn't know if I'd want more kids (even though I was 40 at the time, a few months shy of 41) but I still wanted the option. Now that it's been a few years I know I'm happy with the 3 we have and don't want anymore biological kids, but adoption is still swimming in my head. You need time to mourn the biological child you're not going to have, but you never know...adoption might be in your future! It was the greatest thing my dh and I have done!!

 

[mom2maggie]

I know where you are coming from! I have two DDs, 4.5 yrs and 6 months! I had pretty bad complications after each C-section, and my husband has decided we are DONE. I've made him put off getting a vascectomy because I'm just not ready to believe it is over! Not only am I (and you!) mourning the loss of not ever having another baby, but I'm mourning not having another chance to get pregnancy RIGHT! After my first, I had such a rough start that I swore when I had my 2nd it wouldn't be that way. And then when I had complications again I felt like I was just a pregnancy/birth failure. Its taking time for me to come to terms with it - but I just always wanted that picture perfect pregnancy and birth, those first days and weeks without turmoil & trauma. I just wanted a drama-free birth! I feel cheated! Is it possible that is part of what you're feeling too?
I know that another pregnancy would be pushing my luck - and something I'm not willing to gamble with because of the children I already have. I can't risk that for a dream, kwim?

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I felt the same way when exDH had a vasectomy. I knew it was for the right reasons, but i felt such a loss and I felt depressed. We had struggled for years with infertility and then we were blessed with two awesomely beautiful girls, both c-sections. I was so happy about that, but I was only 31 when he had his vasectomy and i felt, although we really shouldn't have any more children, that it would be final. No more chances to be preganant which i absolutely loved. In the end it was the best decision for our family, but i still feel that loss.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I can empathize... I had major troubles too, and after my last c-section had my tubes tied. It was such a difficult decision to make, officially being done - no more kiddos at all. The finalist of the final...

I just take solace in who I've been given and thank God everyday for both of them.

 

[mjkacmom]

My youngest is 2 1/2 and I still have feelings about never being pregnant again. My situation was a bit different...I had fertility problems before ds1 and he wound up as a emerg c-section. Got pregnant with ds2 quite easily, and he was a scheduled c-section. We talked for a long time about getting my tubes tied. In my mind I knew we should stop at our wonderful, healthy 2 boys, and I was already 35, but in my heart I always wanted a girl and deep down I knew I wasn't ready.

Even on the morning in question, I hesitated and asked my then husband if we really wanted to go through with this and he insisted. He never offered to get a vasectomy, and I just opted for getting my tubes tied because it was a scheduled c-section and the doctor was in there anyway. Little did I know then that when he said he was done having kids, he really meant that he was done having kids with me. He had started another life with another woman when I was 4 wks pregnant, and was already planning to leave me for her. We split up when my youngest was 6 weeks old, and I found out about his affair shortly after. They plan to have more kids together.

I am getting through with great support from family and friends, a great counsellor, and of course my 2 boys. I have let go and forgiven almost everything, but in my heart I know I will never forgive him for pressuring me into tying my tubes. I loved being pregnant, loved having little babies, and with both my boys I feel like I missed out on their babyhood due to situations with him (we had some struggles after our first dh too), and I can never get that time back.

So, yes, it is a grieving period, and although in time it will fade, I don't think it ever truly goes away. It's yet another one of those things that only a mother understands.

One of my best friend had a similar situation. They had 2 little boys, ages 1 and 3, and she was complete. However, her DH begged her to have another - they were going through a rough patch, and he though having another baby would help. Three weeks before her scheduled c/s of her little girl, he told her he was leaving her, and moving in with another woman.

At least she has her little girl - he's now living 800 miles away with his new wife.

 

[mom2aidanNpiper]

My youngest is 2 1/2 and I still have feelings about never being pregnant again. My situation was a bit different...I had fertility problems before ds1 and he wound up as a emerg c-section. Got pregnant with ds2 quite easily, and he was a scheduled c-section. We talked for a long time about getting my tubes tied. In my mind I knew we should stop at our wonderful, healthy 2 boys, and I was already 35, but in my heart I always wanted a girl and deep down I knew I wasn't ready.

Even on the morning in question, I hesitated and asked my then husband if we really wanted to go through with this and he insisted. He never offered to get a vasectomy, and I just opted for getting my tubes tied because it was a scheduled c-section and the doctor was in there anyway. Little did I know then that when he said he was done having kids, he really meant that he was done having kids with me. He had started another life with another woman when I was 4 wks pregnant, and was already planning to leave me for her. We split up when my youngest was 6 weeks old, and I found out about his affair shortly after. They plan to have more kids together.

I am getting through with great support from family and friends, a great counsellor, and of course my 2 boys. I have let go and forgiven almost everything, but in my heart I know I will never forgive him for pressuring me into tying my tubes. I loved being pregnant, loved having little babies, and with both my boys I feel like I missed out on their babyhood due to situations with him (we had some struggles after our first dh too), and I can never get that time back.

So, yes, it is a grieving period, and although in time it will fade, I don't think it ever truly goes away. It's yet another one of those things that only a mother understands.

I already chimed in earlier with my story, but wanted to let you know that this was my situation as well (except I didn't agree to gettting my tubes tied). My husband was with someone else the entire time I was pregnant with my DD and left while she was in the NICU still. They were together for a year or so before they split, but he ha moved far away. My kids have seen him once in the nearly 5 years since he left. I know it's hard, and if you want to talk (anyone reading!) pm me

 

[Bugsmom73]

It is a decision that is hard. There are times I still grieve for the loss of one more kid would have been like.