Depression over Vasectomy

[Happiest mommy]

I want to thank you all for sharing your stories with me I must admit I cried reading some of them and I became overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude for the understanding and compasion you have all shown me.

Thanks to all of you wonderful ladies I can see that it is ok to feel the way I do and that its ok to cry and to feel this heaviness in my heart and that it is mourning a chapter in my life.
I am in the process of planning the best Disney vacation I can possibly give my two princesses I am going to be the best mommy I can be to my two lil girls and hold my 5 month old as much as possible, including lots of cuddles because like some of you stated they need me here..

Thank you all again and please know that like me you are not alone I will keep you posted on my DH Vasectomy on Thursday I can only wonder how I will feel that day....

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I almost lost my wife with both children. Her OB told her that she would have to find another doctor if she didn't let him perform a tubal ligation after our second, so great are her risk factors.

Sometimes we just have to count our blessings instead of worrying about things out of our control...

 

[nikkistevej]

 

[jakoky]

First, hugs to u! I am 40 with 3 teenagers, my youngest being 14! I had 5 pregnancies and have 3 living children. First pregnancy my son was stillborn @ 28 weeks from something called amniotic band syndrome. I then had a healthy daughter and then a son. I then miscarried @ 10 weeks. My youngest dd was born 7 weeks early and very sick. She underwent 3 major surgeries on her bowel in her first 4 weeks and spent 47 days in the scn. She is a true miracle. My dh and I knew if I got pregnant again I would need to be put in a straight jacket, lol, there was no way we could get pregnant again and worry anymore. He had his vasectomy when our youngest was a year and almost everyday since( for 13 years) I have had "that feeling". I have decided it will NEVER go away! I aways think about him having a reversal, which i know isnt happening. I think we make the decision we do that is best for our whole family, but it really doesnt make it any easier, but is is definately normal and ok to feel very sad. Again, hugs to u!!!

 

[ecatesby]

I know. Hugs.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

Reading this thread has helped me...so thank you everyone!

Its nice to know I am not the only one who is looking upon this decision with a bit of mourning in my heart. I am going through it because I know its best for me and for my children. And I know that if I get down about it, and cry from time to time, that is perfectly normal too. Its helpful to know I have lots of people who will understand!

 

[Happiest mommy]

cici

 

[kimgg]

Wow if we were in person this might be the world's biggest group hug!!!!

I wanted to add that my husband had a vasectomy without even telling me. We were having marriage issues and tons of stress at the time, not communicating anyway. He is 9 years older than me and he did not want to keep having kids at his age. I told him "no" I also did not want to close that door. I have two elementary age sons and a grown step-daughter. I still know he was very WRONG to do this!! He did not even tell me until two years later. I was in total shock, and felt the same way you do - greif for the child I would never have. I also loved being pregnant. It is also against my beliefs as a Catholic, but he did it anyway .

No our marriage is not what it should be and may never be, but I still beleive in marriage, especially since I have seen what divorce does to children with my step-daughter. I never want my sons to go through that.

Oh, and there is something in your future that will make it ALL OK - my step-daughter made us grandparents in September - with a baby GIRL I finally get to spoil (step-daughter was 13 when we got married). I know it seems like a long way away, but children grow up SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fast, and before you know it, you will have more babies to love, you just won't be soley responsible for them. It's great!!

One more - !

 

[Happiest mommy]

kimgg congratulations on your new addition and thanks.

 

[DVCJones]

I understand what you are going through. It is completely normal and natural to feel this way. I think it would be strange if we women didn't feel anything when faced with a decision like this. We all feel "something."

I had to have an emergency hysterectomy when I 37. What made it worse was my DH and I were discussing whether or not to have a third child. Then one night I was in the hospital and needed 2 blood transfusions. It was a shock to learn I had placental site nodules and a uterine AVM. A hysterectomy was my only option.

I was sad that I was never going to have that third child, but I felt blessed in away that I never got pregnant with the third as it could have killed me. I have learned to be very thankful for my health and the health of my children. Something that I have always been thankful for especially after having my oldest being diagnosed and beating cancer (neuroblastoma) when she was 6 months old.

I guess I just feel that I have dodged a lot of bullets and I am thankful for what I do have and try not to dwell on what I don't or can't have.

It will get easier to deal with. My kids are at the age where we can take them anywhere and have fun. I feel like the luckiest mom on the planet!

 

[PaulaSue]

Just becasue you don't give birth doesn't mean you can't be a mom again.

 

[deerhart]

another BTDT, it was a very hard decision and took both DH and I over a year to make it.

I had preeclampsia with both my boys. I was diagnosed with my oldest at 24 weeks and at 30 weeks with my youngest. It was horrible. About a year after having my youngest I went to a hematologist who informed me that I had a blood clotting disorder and that my labs were so bad she actually thought the info in my file was wrong and that someone wrote down I had to live births when it should have been 2 non-live births

She flatly informed me to go home, hug both my kids because they shouldn't be alive and that even with treatment the likelihood of having PE in a third pregnancy was 75%+. I was 26 years old, dh was almost 28 and had the procedure done 2 months after my blood work came back.

That was over 6 years ago and we go through periods of wishing we could have another and being very happy we made the decision (because we WOULD have risked it despite how bad it may have been). For us, a permanent solution was the only option because due to the blood clotting disorder and allergies we are extremely limited in our options and the remaining options have to high of a failure rate.

I don't think its something that either DH and I will ever wish that we did not have other options or that it couldn't have been the way we wanted it to be. But we also look back and KNOW that we made the right decision. I also know some of these feelings are tied up in my feelings about being sick during my pregnancy. Of course everything resurfaced lately as my cousin has now being diagnosed with PE in her first pregnancy (my mom's side of the family is 3 for 3 for pregnancy complications in us girl cousins)

 

[Arabella1978]

It has been almost a year since my husband had his Vasectomy. We have three kids, and we knew we were done.

But still sometimes at night I catch myself thinking that I felt a baby move in my tummy. Or I start to wonder about all the children that will never be, and I wonder what they would have looked like. What their favorite song would have been...or what they would have grown up to be.

When you are a mom and you understand how much of an impact every child makes on your life it is impossible to not mourn the loss of all those who you will never meet.

The fact that you are in mourning for those babies shows that you are a great mom. You know how precious your kids are, and you recognize how precious the 'other's' would have been too.

When I start to feel sad about it I just remember that those children are 'here' in the form of the three wonderful babies I carried and gave birth to. My three kids are going to have great lives and I will be a great mom to them, and they will go on to do great things and make the world a better place. My three kids are the creations that my husband and I offer the world, and it's okay that we are done because in order to give those three the best possible chance in life we had to recognize that it was time to be done and put our all into them.

I still have moments where I feel the baby fever coming on. It's hard, but you'll be okay I promise! When you really get that urge just think about how hard those parents with newborns have it. Think about how your kids are great sleepers and can function with a little bit of independence...think about how you can sleep all night (most of the time), etc.

But for now, let yourself grieve a little. It's okay to do that. Let yourself cry, and let yourself be sad.

And then when you are ready, turn the page and start the next chapter. I can promise you that up until now you have only been in the introduction of the book....the real story starts now.

 

[Happiest mommy]

I love you all for each and every post, rereading them is such comfort and you all make so much sense,

Today is the V day I feel awful I am holding my 5 month old DD for dear life jeez "are we doing the right thing?" can't escape my mind I prayed last night for a sign of some sort in my dreams to reasure me, but thats just me with my wishful thinking I am 41 and blessed and I know in my head it is the right thing to do my heart tells me otherwise deep breaths, deep breaths....

 

[Happiest mommy]

FINALLY I just broke down and told DH how I felt I needed to know we are on the same boat I cried so hard he hugged me and said,

"yes it is a sad thing but its the responsible thing to do, the girls and I need you, I want to do this and we can always adopt and you know it is reversable"

I NEEDED to hear this, and this was finally my sign.
Then he says remember "Keep moving forward.." he know this is my quote when I am at ends with a situation, that alone did it for me I love this man.

 

[thebeesknees]

Aww, sounds like you have a great DH! What a wonderful guy!

 

[ShannonMB]

Awww, happiest mommy, your DH sounds so sweet!

I had a sterilization procedure last year (it's called Essure, if anyone's in the market and wants to look it up -- easy and painless!). Anyway, my DD was 8 at the time, I was 36 years old, and DH and I were just in complete and total agreement that neither of us wanted more children. So I hop, skip and jump to my appointment. We were both excited about it, glad to not have to worry about birth control anymore, and convinced it would make "the bedroom" more spontaneous and fun. I was happy!

Imagine my surprise when I went through some of the same feelings you are talking about shortly thereafter! I made this decision totally at peace and excited about it, and here I was afterwards mourning the idea of no more babies. It sorta took me by surprise. I did my own private mourning in my heart, and now I look back knowing I did the right thing for our family.

Just wanted to chime in to agree that those feelings are very real and very normal. And for the love of pete, you are still postpartum -- of course everything is amplified for you right now anyway!!!! You are a sweet and loving Mommy.

 

[gabriellyn]

What a wonderful DH!!!

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all this. My DH and I suffered for years with infertility and suffered 3 m/c's and finally were blessed with our DD. I also died on the OR table during my c-section. 5 weeks later DH got a V. We didn't regret it because I look at it this way.....while I loved being pregnant, would I want to risk leaving my DD without a mommy just to try and have more children? The answer was no. Maybe think of it that way. As much as you love being pregnant, try to hold onto the memories of feeling your 2 beautiful DD's growing inside of you and how miraculous it is that they are here and you are alive. If you want to expand your family you could always look into adoption down the road. Maybe considering that would help you feel less like like this is the end of tiny babies, KWIM? Many hugs to you!

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

for you, Happiest Mommy