Decorating Graves of Loved Ones

[PollyannaMom]

I answered on my phone earlier, but wanted to post this link now that I'm home:

This is the program I volunteer with. The National Cemetery in Bourne (on Cape Cod) had rules about nothing on the graves as well, and someone fought it and won! Now a huge group of volunteers places flags on all the graves before Memorial Day and Veterans Day, and another set picks them up the next weekend, so the landscapers can mow.

I just did pick-up Sunday, and saw plenty of flowers still there as well.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I've no problem with not allowing decorations. But an ad and just 3 days. How many people even read the newspaper any more. Why not put it out on TV news and give people a month to pick up their stuff?

 

[LuvOrlando]

We had that in NY and the common practice was to put bulbs for flowers in the ground right next to the headstone. Snow crocus and tulips come up before groundskeepers mow so there were flowers at Mother's Day year after year.

 

[tvguy]

Flowers are fine with me. My wife's step mother has decorations for EVERY holiday that she puts on my wife's father's grave. A bit much for me.

 

[RedAngie]

I was pleasantly surprised when I visited my parents’ grave on Mother’s Day and saw the Easter wreath I placed on April 2 was still there. Usually they remove items in about two weeks.

I’ll see what happens in two weeks when I return on Father’s Day.

There is a grave near my parents that is always elaborately decorated. Flowers, wreaths, balloons, sometimes stuffed animals, and small dollar store toys. I checked and a 6 year old girl is buried there.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

DH's parents are at a National cemetary. They only allow fresh flowers. We always take flowers just before Memorial Day so their grave looks nice when they have the public ceremony.

My grandpa, grandma, uncle and now my dad are buried at a cemetary about 2 1/2 hours away. We don't get there often, but we went in April to finalize the order for my dad's headstone. We noticed that they apparently have no restrictions on grave decorations. We left some simple artifical flowers. Some graves has flowers, wreaths, stuffed animals, etc. Some even had lawn ornaments and little whirly things that spun in the wind. It was a Saturday and we saw several people just hanging out by their loved-ones graves. One family set up folding chairs, pulled out McDonald's bags and had a little picnic. We saw another family setting up a picnic as we were leaving. It was a totally different atmosphere than the National cemetary.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Good question, as I have yet to visit the grave

 

[Living42Day]

Honestly, I'm starting to understand why certain gravesites are becoming more strict with decorations. We have a relative who is buried in Kentucky, which is out-of-state for us. My cousin has taken it upon himself to completely take over all decorating without asking everyone else, but it has gotten almost comically ridiculous. I feel terrible saying that, but this is what he has set up in the last two years: a brick edging going out around 5 feet on all sides of the tombstone, a metal arch, a flag pole just outside the edging, a bench inside the edging, two placards, another bench outside the edging near the fence, 2 small shrubs, the deceased's favorite candy bars, soda cans, and other knick knacks. At Christmas, he sets up two full-size Christmas trees with color changing (I assume battery operated) lights. Lights also go all down the fence. This area is slowly taking over other plots and I feel embarrassed visiting because of how tacky things have become. I understand wanting to remember our loved one, but that is way too much.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Honestly, I'm starting to understand why certain gravesites are becoming more strict with decorations. We have a relative who is buried in Kentucky, which is out-of-state for us. My cousin has taken it upon himself to completely take over all decorating without asking everyone else, but it has gotten almost comically ridiculous. I feel terrible saying that, but this is what he has set up in the last two years: a brick edging going out around 5 feet on all sides of the tombstone, a metal arch, a flag pole just outside the edging, a bench inside the edging, two placards, another bench outside the edging near the fence, 2 small shrubs, the deceased's favorite candy bars, soda cans, and other knick knacks. At Christmas, he sets up two full-size Christmas trees with color changing (I assume battery operated) lights. Lights also go all down the fence. This area is slowly taking over other plots and I feel embarrassed visiting because of how tacky things have become. I understand wanting to remember our loved one, but that is way too much.

It’s funny you should say that. I was talking to a neighbor who is in her 80s recently. She is widowed, and had only one child who passed away about 15 years ago when he was in his early 40s. She was saying that a grave next to her son’s has become like the one above, and it’s gotten hard for her to enjoy going to his grave now. She was quite upset about it. Just mentioning this so people can realize that sometimes, over the top decorations can impact others’ experiences in the same place.

Last week, on Memorial Day, I put a pot of fresh flowers on each of my parents’ graves at the National Cemetery. I knew they would eventually be removed, but am glad to hear some were still there @PollyannaMom (and thank you for the flags!). I have seen people having picnics in some of the newer areas of the National Cemetery, too. I think it’s nice, as the area is actually pretty beautiful. As long as cemeteries don’t creep you out, then go for it. I‘ve never done a picnic, but I enjoy sitting on a nearby bench for a while. It’s very peaceful.

 

[John VN]

As a kid there were specific "Gravesite Visitation Days" and I disliked them. Even as a child I thought "WHY GO?" The cemeteries that have been used are all 'No Decorations" now and also went to "FLAT ONLY" markers to ease mowing.

To notify with an ad and 3 days given for removal of items does not seem appropriate to me.

 

[slo]

The cemetery my family uses allow items by graves but you have to have your items picked up by a certain date (before winter) or they will be removed for you and thrown away.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

What thoughtless person(s) came up with the "short notice". Honestly, it should have been at least 3 months notice and repeated (not one blurp notice and done).
It seems heartless to remove personal items as you describe. Did they at least keep them so someone could pick them up?
The cemeteries here all have their own rules.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Ack, graves.

My paternal grandparents have the only family plot that I’m aware of in this country. Their site will not allow upright stones; they have bronze markers that lay on the ground. I’ve never seen any sign saying otherwise so I just lay an assortment of roses since my Nana liked them.

The man’s paternal grandparents, parents, and sister, are in two adjoining cemeteries with similar rules. Family headstones or vertical obelisks followed by individual stone markers with uniform beds of hedge denoting each grave. There are florist shops at the top and bottom of the nearby road leading to the cemetery entrances. Only floral arrangements and stones are allowed.
Reading this thread reminds me it’s past time to pay for the annual upkeep.

 

[AppleDumpling]

We plant spring and fall flowers in the ground at my parents’ gravesite and a flag for my Dad for Memorial Day. Those remain until one of my siblings or I remove them. We also place a palm cross for Easter and a grave blanket for Christmas (as do many others in this Catholic cemetery). The holiday items are taken away after a few weeks, which is fine. I’m honestly not aware of the official rules, but it’s never been an issue for us. Some people leave small tokens, but as far as “decorating”, I generally don’t see anything over-the-top.

This is the program I volunteer with. The National Cemetery in Bourne (on Cape Cod) had rules about nothing on the graves as well, and someone fought it and won! Now a huge group of volunteers places flags on all the graves before Memorial Day and Veterans Day, and another set picks them up the next weekend, so the landscapers can mow.

That’s wonderful. DS did this for many years with his Boy Scout troop at the national military cemetery in our region, and DH and I often participated as well. They get a few hundred volunteers, mostly from scouts, other youth groups, and various community organizations.

 

[design_mom]

My family has never routinely gone to visit gravesites of family members who passed before. I remember doing it a couple of times when I was younger. I believe one allowed you to put things (temporarily) around gravesites, but those items were removed weekly for mowing. (So, you could put flowers or a flag out -- but they mowed on a certain day and it would be removed on they next mowing day.)

We have a couple of historical cemeteries near our house (I don't think they're accepting new interments). I don't recall every seeing any flowers or other decorations there. There is a group that puts flags next to the graves for Memorial Day, but I believe they are only up for Memorial Day weekend, then removed.

 

[Pooh2]

My father in law is at the Veteran's cemetery where they do not allow planting but you can leave a potted plant.
They do a weekly sweep and throw the plants out.
This is likely where we will be planted.

My father and young nephew are at a small cemetery.
My mother visits the graves daily and plants, waters, decorates.
She purchased the adjoining lots to place a granite bench.
Grieving takes all forms..

 

[MIGrandma]

What thoughtless person(s) came up with the "short notice". Honestly, it should have been at least 3 months notice and repeated (not one blurp notice and done).
It seems heartless to remove personal items as you describe. Did they at least keep them so someone could pick them up?
The cemeteries here all have their own rules.

Yes, it will be interesting at their next board meeting on the 14th. I’m sure a lot of people will be attending to express their views on how this was handled.

They did keep some of the items, and put them by a wall of the church. Some people went right away and were able to get their loved one’s items but many others weren’t able to as a lot of things were just thrown into a dumpster. . There was one woman who posted on Facebook that she was in Texas so couldn’t get her items, and another person who lives near the cemetery offered to go and see if she could retrieve them for her.