Declining Dad

[aprilgail]

Went through this with my mom- only thing was my dad died when he was 55 so it was me that was full time caregiver- your mom is going to have to understand that she can not leave him home on his own ever- not to go to church, run to the store etc- I was full time babysitter until we could arrange to get some help in- we did get an aide 7 days a week for 10 hours a day so I could go to work and get out on weekends for awhile- if I wanted to go out in the evenings I had to hire someone to stay with her or sometimes me neighbors would help me out. I knew this was coming eventually so we started to spend down her money (didn't have all that much) and prepaid funeral, did some home renovations to make it easier- put in handicap ramp etc- so then was able to get her onto medicaid which paid for the home health aide eventually- until that my brother and I split the cost of one.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

OP I know from personal experience you are going through a lot . But China Expat brings up some important issues regarding Power of Attorney, Living Will . My Parents did theirs decade or 2 before my Dad died. They were each others decision maker, but Sis & I were the backups. If you don't already know, please talk with your Mom.

In my previous life I was a trust and estate attorney. Everything is taken care of on that end. The second round will come when it's just my mom, but we will cross that bridge when we get there (and hopefully it will be awhile). But yes, all those important conversations and planning steps have already occurred.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Went through this with my mom- only thing was my dad died when he was 55 so it was me that was full time caregiver- your mom is going to have to understand that she can not leave him home on his own ever- not to go to church, run to the store etc- I was full time babysitter until we could arrange to get some help in- we did get an aide 7 days a week for 10 hours a day so I could go to work and get out on weekends for awhile- if I wanted to go out in the evenings I had to hire someone to stay with her or sometimes me neighbors would help me out. I knew this was coming eventually so we started to spend down her money (didn't have all that much) and prepaid funeral, did some home renovations to make it easier- put in handicap ramp etc- so then was able to get her onto medicaid which paid for the home health aide eventually- until that my brother and I split the cost of one.

I appreciate your reply though your delivery was a little harsh (tone is tough when it's just through the written word). Frankly, it is not sustainable or reasonable for my mom to never be able to leave the house. These are recent developments that rapidly deteriorated over a short period of time. And she is working in conjunction with his doctors and their advice. Thankfully he is safe and being well cared for and we are re-evaluating next steps.

I have already handled this type of situation as power of attorney for my now deceased aunt who had no children and was a widow and went through the process of getting her on Medicaid and settled into a nursing home because she could no longer live on her own. That is a simpler process with just the surviving spouse. We also need assets to care for my mother who is 11 years younger than my father so spending down is not an option at this time. Respectfully, I'm not going any further into their financial circumstances or that of those and my brother. This experience is not foreign to me, but there are more things involved when it's your parent and there is some geographical distance in the mix.

 

[lanejudy]

I appreciate your reply though your delivery was a little harsh (tone is tough when it's just through the written word). Frankly, it is not sustainable or reasonable for my mom to never be able to leave the house.

It is harsh. But it is reality. Your mother absolutely needs to be aware that leaving your father unattended is neither wise nor safe. She either needs to take him with her or not go out. The alternative is to find someone to come in to stay with him so she can get away briefly. With dad in the hospital you have a bit of breathing room. Talk to your mom now so she isn't blindsided any more than she already is. If they have a community of support (church, friends, neighbors, family, etc.) enlist their help. Most likely he'll be sent home from rehab with a "prescription" for some level of home health care, but be prepared for what that means. Once a social service agency gets involved, if they feel he isn't safe it may be reported which is something your mom doesn't need on top of everything else. Yes her life is changing. Yes it's a very delicate balance between respecting him as an adult but caring for him as if he were a child. It isn't fun, it isn't easy, it isn't free, and it is very restricting (at least until help and supports are in place).

Just know you are not alone going through this. Many here have shared their experiences. Many more are going through it as well. Find community support for him, for mom, for you -- you each have needs in this situation.

 

[LoveToDisney]

No one has the exact same issues as they are dealing with aging parents which makes it rough when others give advice and believe they know what will work for your situation. You are right about Medicaid not being an option because you have your mother’s future to consider. You probably feel like you are in a catch-22. My DH’s father was in a similar situation when his wife was ill and his father worried he would have any money left to live on after spending on her health needs. My heart reaches out to use and I pray for wisdom to make wise choices based on the few options you have. I hope the veteran status of your dad might give you more options to choose from. You are right to protect your mom’s health, finances, and your own finances as you walk this tightrope to help them both.

 

[TwoMisfits]

This may help OP...

https://www.medicaidlongtermcare.org/protection/spousal-protections/

 

[dvcgirl67]

In my previous life I was a trust and estate attorney. Everything is taken care of on that end. The second round will come when it's just my mom, but we will cross that bridge when we get there (and hopefully it will be awhile). But yes, all those important conversations and planning steps have already occurred.

Well that's great news....you've got all of that stuff covered then.

It's a lot to deal with for sure. Part of me isn't sure we're doing all of this "aging" stuff exactly right. My grandparents all died in their 70s, three of them relatively quickly....like within a couple of weeks after an event. The other one did spend time in a nursing home...and her time there was just miserable. But my parents really didn't have to deal with the kinds of decisions that many of us are having to deal with today.

I think we're living longer, but by the time people get to the stage where they need assistance, their "kids" are almost reaching retirement age as well. Or they are really in those big savings years in their 50's/early 60s getting ready for retirement. I know people who are spending what will undoubtedly be the best years of *their* retirement....caring for their elderly parents. My FIL has made it clear that he does not want to go into a LTC facility...because he watched his wife die there in the last six months of her life. But...we absolutely can not make that guarantee to him. We just have no idea how his health will decline in the coming years....and what that will look like. So that's stressful as well.

 

[dvcgirl67]

It is harsh. But it is reality. Your mother absolutely needs to be aware that leaving your father unattended is neither wise nor safe. She either needs to take him with her or not go out. The alternative is to find someone to come in to stay with him so she can get away briefly. With dad in the hospital you have a bit of breathing room. Talk to your mom now so she isn't blindsided any more than she already is. If they have a community of support (church, friends, neighbors, family, etc.) enlist their help. Most likely he'll be sent home from rehab with a "prescription" for some level of home health care, but be prepared for what that means. Once a social service agency gets involved, if they feel he isn't safe it may be reported which is something your mom doesn't need on top of everything else. Yes her life is changing. Yes it's a very delicate balance between respecting him as an adult but caring for him as if he were a child. It isn't fun, it isn't easy, it isn't free, and it is very restricting (at least until help and supports are in place).

Just know you are not alone going through this. Many here have shared their experiences. Many more are going through it as well. Find community support for him, for mom, for you -- you each have needs in this situation.

Yes, I completely understand how some of the responses can "sound" harsh, because you're in the thick of this now OP...and it's awful. But there are unfortunately those realities that lanejudy brought up.

As I mentioned, we ended up with a home health aide to get her up and cleaned up...out of bed. But the aide didn't stay with her after that was accomplished. And often, my FIL needed to assist with that. He did end up finding a woman in their neighborhood who would sit with my MIL so he could run errands....etc. But he really did cut way back on his activities with friends during those two years. It can be a very isolating experience for the healthier spouse.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

It is harsh. But it is reality. Your mother absolutely needs to be aware that leaving your father unattended is neither wise nor safe. She either needs to take him with her or not go out. The alternative is to find someone to come in to stay with him so she can get away briefly. With dad in the hospital you have a bit of breathing room. Talk to your mom now so she isn't blindsided any more than she already is. If they have a community of support (church, friends, neighbors, family, etc.) enlist their help. Most likely he'll be sent home from rehab with a "prescription" for some level of home health care, but be prepared for what that means. Once a social service agency gets involved, if they feel he isn't safe it may be reported which is something your mom doesn't need on top of everything else. Yes her life is changing. Yes it's a very delicate balance between respecting him as an adult but caring for him as if he were a child. It isn't fun, it isn't easy, it isn't free, and it is very restricting (at least until help and supports are in place).

Just know you are not alone going through this. Many here have shared their experiences. Many more are going through it as well. Find community support for him, for mom, for you -- you each have needs in this situation.

We have been through this before. He won't get a script for home health care. He will get a script for 3 days a week one hour therapy for 6-8 weeks and then it will move to out patient therapy. It's insulting to insinuate my mom is neglectful or we don't understand the issues. You have no idea of the exact details nor do I need to explain them here. There would never be a social service agency involved since they don't qualify for services. No one is reporting her for neglect nor should they. And if you think there is that level of oversight on this you obviously haven't dealt with it. I think this thread has run its course as it's gone from helpful and some very useful new resources to check out to quite hurtful comments. Thank you to all that offered support.