Declining Dad

[LuvOrlando]

Oh I am very sad to hear this is happening. My family literally just recently got MIL into a memory care facility, at this point she doesn't seem to care what bed she can get to as long as it is a bad so she is content, doesn't ask about home or seem to miss it at all. There was physical decline too and it is heartbreaking when they can't care for themselves but know how to say, "No, go away," and answer all the questions with the answers the Drs want yet were as incapable as a toddler This was a very long road but she is much younger that your dad and issues were hidden a long time so it is best to document everything with photos and share with his Dr even if it is just a one way street of you sending them, if you wait until you are worried to the Dr's it is brand new news. Can you get cameras into the house with motion to keep an eye on things? the Eufy ones are pretty cheap, have no ongoing costs and you can talk to a person to see if they are ok. Medicare can provide a few hours a day but I also used to participate at my Church where lots of volunteers helped out elderly and disabled people. In our situation it was an easier sell to discuss care with meals, as in the caregiver would make meals and clean up, she wasn't a fan of thinking she needed help although she took it when it was there. Is it at all possible that you guys could sell this as a help for your MIL? Would he be ok seeing her as the person who needs help, not him? If it is a pride thing sometimes the way a thing is presented can change everything.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. I'm trying for solutions and I don't want to be negative, but I have tried a lot of options offered and they either don't qualify or the waiting list is insane. It's tough to get my mom to ask for help and my dad can be quite difficult (former drill sgt. in the Marine Corps). He understands it's a lot on my mom, but I don't think he fully grasps to what degree. And when trying to be more independent he sometimes creates a worse situation.

Dad was admitted to the hospital today which honestly, I feel relieved so my mom can have some breathing room. They live about and hour and a half away from me and DH. I do have a brother, but he is in complete denial. He doesn't grasp what's going on or the severity of the situation. Couple that with him having a toddler and they aren't super helpful on the day to day. For example he asked if my parents could come babysit a week and a half ago and things were not good at that point. Thankfully my mom said no for the first time. We are there at least once a month for a few days sometimes more often. For example this month we are there 3 weekends at least one overnight. And no, we are not in a position to offer financial help or hire a part time care giver. And my job is one that if I don't go then I don't get paid and is not conducive to sitting on the phone trying to find services. I'm sorry if I sound negative. I'm just overwhelmed. Hopefully this hospital stay will offer some medical answers to help. Rehab was mentioned again, but I know the last time he did that after back surgery it was really emotionally difficult on him and my mom. I also think he's depressed which doesn't help things. Ugh. Thanks for being a sounding board.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Sorry and just to respond to the questions regarding the ability to move in with them. It's not ideal. My husband offered it wholeheartedly which is very kind and thoughtful. There are a lot of logistical issues involved and it wouldn't be my first or tenth choice. But I'm basically considering anything at this point.

 

[YachtClubWoman]

Since your dad is in the hospital speak with social worker or case management- the case management staff was helpful to us
Also, he may then qualify for short term rehab which is also helpful - they taught my mother in law to walk with her roller walker since she would not listen to what we told her

 

[starry_solo]

Since your dad is in the hospital speak with social worker or case management- the case management staff was helpful to us
Also, he may then qualify for short term rehab which is also helpful - they taught my mother in law to walk with her roller walker since she would not listen to what we told her

Definitely agree. Medicare will, after admittance to a hospital, cover a short stay at a rehabilitation facility - max is 90-100 days, but after day 20 or so (the co-pay is $100/day). The first 20 days is either covered completely, or has a smaller ($50/day) co-pay.

 

[LoveToDisney]

Be sure to be there to talk with social worker at the hospital with your mother. Also, take advantage of what your dad’s vet status gives him. Keep in mind that your mother’s health needs to be the priority…don’t let the social worker push your mother into taking on more than she can handle. I’m guessing they will put your dad into rehab. Encourage your mom to visit BUT take time for herself to continue to recover and don’t let your dad bully her into him leaving rehab too soon.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I also think he's depressed which doesn't help things.

This is an important thing to mention to his doctor(s).

 

[NotUrsula]

The vet status is crucial, particularly if he served in combat during wartime, which entitles him to more services. First thing you need to do is get copies of his service records and discharge papers. You'll need those to investigate which programs he may be eligible for. For some information on special benefits:
https://www.ncoa.org/older-adults/benefits/veteran-benefits
https://www.militaryonesource.mil/specialty-consultations/elder-care/elder-care-support-programs/

If he needs to go into care, the state VA homes are generally the most affordable and the least difficult in terms of logistics. Quality does vary, so they need to be carefully checked out, but for men who are former career military, especially those prone to depression, being around other vets in an atmosphere that has a quasi-military structure often lets them better accept their circumstances; men who always depended upon and were proud of their physical strength and mental toughness can feel very lost and angry with themselves when those abilities fade away. (Also, there is no clawback for VA care expenses, as there is for Medicaid.)

In re: the wheelchair: depending on what insurance coverage he is eligible for, he probably would qualify for provision of a lightweight wheelchair at little to no charge. Next, get a two-arm bike rack and mount it on the back of your mother's car; use the rack to hold the chair and secure it with a cable lock, rather than trying to put the chair inside the vehicle. Trust me, using a bike rack is MUCH easier.

Are they churchgoers? Is there a VFW Post nearby? In either case, your mother might be able to request someone willing to volunteer to come and keep your Dad company for short periods, just so that she can run errands and such.

 

[lisaviolet]

Falls at any age can be caused by b12 deficiency. It causes both gait changes & foot drop.

B12 deficiency can happen at any age & can be due to Pernicious Anemia, use of some medications such as PPIs or metaformin (sp?). Can also be due to celiac disease or conditions such as Crohn's or h Pylori.

But when one ages there does not have to be a reason. Our stomach linings do not absorb as well. So get a reading, and ask for the exact number. Do not rely on a doctor just saying it is fine.

Would not be a bad idea to have him take a sublingual regardless, as it helps with cognitive decline as well. And is not one of those vitamins that is unsafe when taking high levels (Not to be confused with a high b12 level without supplementation)

All the best to you.

 

[DodgerGirl]

When my grandmother recovered from a surgery she wanted to become independent and stay in her house but my uncle took care of her and so what my aunt did was hire a housekeeper "not a live-in housekeeper" but a housekeeper that came every day to clean and cook her meals and also my aunt enrolled my grandmother in an adult day care where every day she would ride in a van and go to the day care where she socialized with friends ate meals played bingo and took shopping excursions and then she would return home and she loved it. My grandmother also had a woman who would give her baths and showers every weekend as well. So why don't your mother call up a few adult day care centers in your area and see about getting to enroll your dad in the center and ask if there's any info they might need to know when signing up your dad. But I think signing your father up for a senior taxi service is needed if he has to do things like going to the supermarket and doctors appointments and your mother can call any senior taxi services in your area to learn more info. Good luck Tinkerbellandpeterpan I know how much it shocks you to see your father being very ill and I hope he has better days ahead of him and remember that your father will always love you very much
Dodger

 

[mylilnikita]

If it will be hard for your Mom to get him to the doctor office,call around or google if there are visiting physicians in that area where they come to you.

 

[hertamaniac]

My experience is that the rehab can work providing it is intense enough for recovery. I have witnessed first hand that some therapists go through the motions to satisfy a time with client requirement (just my observation). The clock starts ticking with short-term and, from what I've seen, there is hard date when that service ends in terms of coverage. In our case, I feel the rehab wasn't aggressive enough and the short-term rehab turned into a long-term care facility.

Also, Visiting Angels is a service that can be used without being too disruptive in my opinion. I have witnessed great relationships and bonds formed when the caregiver and family are matched. Obviously, finances need to be in alignment for this option.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Thanks everyone. Sincerely appreciate all of the advice and thoughtful responses. He's being moved this evening to a rehab facility to provide some intensive physical therapy and he will be there at least two weeks. This is a blessing. We are all familiar with the facility as he did rehab there after his stroke and the quality of care is excellent. This will be a good break for my mom so she can get some rest and take some of the pressure off. I can hopefully approach her about some options when she isn't in the middle of a crisis. We are seeing her this weekend so I'm going to carefully broach the topic of getting some more resources in there for her (and him obviously).

All of his tests and bloodwork have come back just fine which in a way is good, but it would almost be more helpful to have something specific to point to that is the problem. He was low on magnesium which is odd because he does take it twice a day already (at the direction of his doctor). Again, I really appreciate your kind feedback and suggestions.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I'm sorry you're going through this...it really sucks.

I agree with others....see if you can determine the cause. But it's a tough time. We went through this in the 6 months or so before my MIL passed. She had two strokes over a two year period and even with rehab stays and lots of therapy, she slowly went downhill. When the falls started, my FIL (primary care giver), could not get her up on her own. So they would call a friend close by to help, then call us. We had an aide come every day to help get her up, out of bed and cleaned up (DH and I paid for this out of pocket as we were unable to find other resources). But once FIL was alone with her, if she went down...he needed help.

Before the final hospitalization, she'd been on a couch in her diaper for over 36 hours (we didn't know until we went to visit). The aide didn't show up, my FIL was trying to handle things himself and was overwhelmed. That's when we had to step in and make the decision that he couldn't. She was hospitalized, then rehab, then to the nursing home where she passed 6 weeks later.

Once my MIL could not stand and walk a few steps on her own, the days of her living at home were over. We came away from the experience understanding that there aren't enough resources for people "in the middle"....not destitute, but not wealthy enough to pay for round the clock home care or a decent nursing home.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I'm sorry you're going through this...it really sucks.

I agree with others....see if you can determine the cause. But it's a tough time. We went through this in the 6 months or so before my MIL passed. She had two strokes over a two year period and even with rehab stays and lots of therapy, she slowly went downhill. When the falls started, my FIL (primary care giver), could not get her up on her own. So they would call a friend close by to help, then call us. We had an aide come every day to help get her up, out of bed and cleaned up (DH and I paid for this out of pocket as we were unable to find other resources). But once FIL was alone with her, if she went down...he needed help.

Before the final hospitalization, she'd been on a couch in her diaper for over 36 hours (we didn't know until we went to visit). The aide didn't show up, my FIL was trying to handle things himself and was overwhelmed. That's when we had to step in and make the decision that he couldn't. She was hospitalized, then rehab, then to the nursing home where she passed 6 weeks later.

Once my MIL could not stand and walk a few steps on her own, the days of her living at home were over. We came away from the experience understanding that there aren't enough resources for people "in the middle"....not destitute, but not wealthy enough to pay for round the clock home care or a decent nursing home.

I don't mean to "like" your post but more of an "I understand and this is where we find ourselves". Thankfully their EMS is so understanding, encourages her to call so they can get him up and tell her not to try as they don't want to pick TWO people up. Thank goodness they aren't in a major city where EMS can't handle this type of call (very understandably). He was doing quite well for awhile and then the past few months it's gone downhill. I also think the more time he spends in bed the more tired and weak he gets and then the more time he wants to spend in bed. And then the less he can do the less he's willing to try. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm trying my best to be sensitive to both of their concerns and quirks etc. I so appreciate being able to speak freely here because my brother, though well meaning, is so out of touch with the reality of the situation.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I don't mean to "like" your post but more of an "I understand and this is where we find ourselves". Thankfully their EMS is so understanding, encourages her to call so they can get him up and tell her not to try as they don't want to pick TWO people up. Thank goodness they aren't in a major city where EMS can't handle this type of call (very understandably). He was doing quite well for awhile and then the past few months it's gone downhill. I also think the more time he spends in bed the more tired and weak he gets and then the more time he wants to spend in bed. And then the less he can do the less he's willing to try. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm trying my best to be sensitive to both of their concerns and quirks etc. I so appreciate being able to speak freely here because my brother, though well meaning, is so out of touch with the reality of the situation.

Oh, I totally get the "like"....it's kind of a club nobody wants to be in. There were EMS calls too with my MIL, and she was get angry at my FIL for calling, but she wasn't completely with it by that point. There was cognitive decline and with that came mood swings, anger...etc. Not a fun time for him for sure. The final time...we called EMS because he wouldn't do it. He was overwhelmed and we think that's why he didn't call us....he knew she wouldn't be coming home this time.

How long ago did your Dad have his stroke? In my MIL's case, she also had cognitive decline along with her physical decline. She essentially slowly went downhill....and then the pace of that sped up in that last six months. You are correct, it is a really vicious cycle and my MIL was very much the same as your Dad. She reached a point where she didn't want to stand up and walk, then it was she didn't want to get out of bed. Once they lose their mobility, then it's kind of "game over" for almost everyone....meaning a LTC facility, unless you can afford a serious level of home care.

My advice is to kind of stay ahead of the situation. If your parents don't have a great deal of money, there's a real possibility that down the road a bit that your Dad may need a LTC facility. Depending on their financial situation...will depend on how that all goes. The social worker at the rehab facility is the person you need to become friends with....they are the ones who navigate the system.

One of the worst parts near the end was that my FIL would not tell her that she wasn't coming home, which she asked about non-stop when she was "with it". We talked to him about it a bit, but he was adamant, and I guess it was for the best. He didn't want to take her hope away. Still, that's a lot for him to have had to shoulder.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Tinkerbellandpeterpan. Prayers with truly much care to you! I was a caregiver to my beloved late grandma years ago as I have shared on here before. That time, to me, sincerely was a blessing from God to me to be closer to someone I so loved. There were definitely heartbreaking times as well. Being a caregiver is anything but easy on anyone! My most heartfeldt suggestion is to please remember to take care of yourself! Tell your mom she needs to be well too. Do not try to be your dad's only resource. That isn't healthy, as I learned for myself, for anyone. Definitely if your dad is able to enjoy, check out adult day care programs. Grandma's dementia had progressed too far sadly for that to have been more positive for her. Check out local caregiver support groups for yourself at a hospital or church. Also, look into whether your town as a senior center that may have resources. A very important reminder that I learned the sad way, is with any life alert, be sure the person using it has the presence of mind to do so. Grandma, breaks my heart to think about over 20 years later, didn't have the understanding due to dementia to press her life alert when she fell :'(A better alternative for her may have been a motion detector or some type of monitoring. I share this in prayer of preventing a similar situation to occur for anyone else. Thank you and each of you for the extra loving care you give to those you love who need it most. Again, please also know how much you matter and be good to yourselves, too!

 

[China Expat]

My mother died December 14. It all went so fast. Her memory issues really escalated from August to November, so I hustled and found a senior home, moved her in, cleaned out her apartment and gave notice, and after one week in senior living she needed a walker. Two weeks later she fell in the home and broke her hip. She died a week after hip surgery. Thank god I got myself on her checking account, did power of attorney, and advanced directive before we moved her to senior living. It was the worst and most exhausting four months of my life, all the while working full time.

 

[ncc1701]

My mother died December 14. It all went so fast. Her memory issues really escalated from August to November, so I hustled and found a senior home, moved her in, cleaned out her apartment and gave notice, and after one week in senior living she needed a walker. Two weeks later she fell in the home and broke her hip. She died a week after hip surgery. Thank god I got myself on her checking account, did power of attorney, and advanced directive before we moved her to senior living. It was the worst and most exhausting four months of my life, all the while working full time.

OP I know from personal experience you are going through a lot . But China Expat brings up some important issues regarding Power of Attorney, Living Will . My Parents did theirs decade or 2 before my Dad died. They were each others decision maker, but Sis & I were the backups. If you don't already know, please talk with your Mom.

 

[dvcgirl67]

My mother died December 14. It all went so fast. Her memory issues really escalated from August to November, so I hustled and found a senior home, moved her in, cleaned out her apartment and gave notice, and after one week in senior living she needed a walker. Two weeks later she fell in the home and broke her hip. She died a week after hip surgery. Thank god I got myself on her checking account, did power of attorney, and advanced directive before we moved her to senior living. It was the worst and most exhausting four months of my life, all the while working full time.

Sorry you went through this. But, yes, so wise to get on those accounts and get power of attorney. We have done all of that with my 92 year old FIL so there should be no bumps in the road with respect to handling his finances anyway.

Another tip, a bit unrelated, but my DH has all log-ins for his Father's bank account, his investment account, credit cards...etc. So we can see everything in real time if there's an issue. There are soooo many scams happening these days, and most prey on our oldest citizens. We've had the "grandparent scam" hit him twice, caught it both times. Lately, it's fraudulent charges on a CC.