Debate: Do as I say, not as I do.

[Maleficent13]

Okay, the thread title doesn't really explain what I mean, but I couldn't think of a better way to state it. Here's my example:

Today at lunch, I went to a local pub/restaurant (it was Wednesday...all chicken sandwiches $3.99!). As I was eating, a family of 6 walked in, 5 adults and 1 child, (boy, about 8).

The waitress came to get their drink orders and all the adults ordered soda, and the boy wanted Sprite. Mom told boy, "No, Sprite isn't a nutritious drink." She then asked the waitress what they had in the way of nutritious drinks, and the kid ended up with milk.

Then came the perusal of the menu. Boy had child's menu, and mom eliminated all the choices on it systematically: "No, you had pizza last week." "No, you had red meat yesterday." etc. Eventually, she agreed to let the boy get pasta with red sauce because it was the most "healthy" thing on there.

Meanwhile, the other adults at the table proceeded to order: wings, burgers, onion rings, pierogies, etc. There was not a thing on that table not fried in grease and distinctly "unhealthy". The topper was mom herself, who ordered a HUGE order of chili cheese fries, fully loaded. They pigged out, while the kid sat there and dejectedly ate his pasta. The adults kept exclaiming how good everything was, and he just watched and listened.

Now here's the debate: was this right on the parent's part? I am not debating if it was their right to make him eat "healthy": of course it was. As parents they have the say over what he does. But I am saying to me it seemed VERY hypocritical, not to mention cruel to the kid. It just felt wrong to me. The kid was very well-behaved and did not whine or ask for anything he was told he couldn't have.

Opinions?

 

[AirForceRocks]

I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I do things all the time that I wouldn't allow my children to do.

As for cruel, sorry, but I disagree. The earlier a child learns that the they don't always get what they want, regardless of what others have, the better.

 

[Beauty]

Lightening may strike me soon but I agree 100% with AFR.

My son is an only child and only grandchild and we have spoiled him rotten. Given him everything he wanted his whole life. BIG BIG HUGE MISTAKE!!!!! Now that hes 12 the wants cost far more than $5.00 and I'm learning we made a BIG MISTAKE in giving into him

Hopefully its not to late, we have had long talks about not getting everything we want and hes a good kid, so hes understanding to a point.

I should have started earlier like this mother did.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Originally posted by AirForceRocks
I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I do things all the time that I wouldn't allow my children to do.

As for cruel, sorry, but I disagree. The earlier a child learns that the they don't always get what they want, regardless of what others have, the better.

ITA

My son and I are not equals. As an adult there are certain things I can do that he can't.

 

[Beth76]

I agree with you, MAL. I think it was very cruel to order wings and burgers and sodas and not let the 8yo indulge as well. Yes, I understand it is important to empasize good eating habits. But, if you can't do it yourself, why expect your child? If you really can't control yourself, at least do it away from the child. And this is NOT the same argument as drinking alcohol and not letting your children drink.

I only drink soda when we go out to eat. That is the only time I let my 3yo drink soda as well. If I'm eating hamburgers, he's eating hamburgers. That's why we don't eat hamburgers very often. I am trying to instill good eating habits in him. But, I'm also trying to develop better eating habits for myself. There's NO WAY I would ever eat burgers in front of my kid while I made him eat broccoli.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Actually, pasta is not exactly brocolli, and chilli fires are not going to kill you! If my kids had been enjoying more junk than usual, and I had been enjoying less junk than usual, I might do this. Don't know, because it hasn't come up yet!

On the other hand, I would never have desert or a soda without sharing or ordering for everyone!

 

[Beauty]

Okay this is MY OPINION and based on MY EXPERIENCE......

If my mother had controlled what I ate more as a child, then I might not be in the process of having to lose over 100 pounds. I don't blame her for my weight as an adult because she certainly hasn't put the food in my mouth. But growing up we ate burgers and cake and she was always cooking wonderfully fattening foods so as I grew older I ate what I was used to. I wish I had been given more salad or broccoli and been taught that eating good for you is important!!

Regardless of the questionable cruelty of eating junk in front of this child, at least he is being taught to eat healthy and will hopefully carry that with him.

 

[tiggerwannabe]

Parents should set the example:
IMHO
-Do as I say, not as I do, is an unreasonable excuse for
some people to tell other people what to do-

As a parent of an 18 and almost 16 yo, I find they have more
respect for you if you follow the same rules you have set for them.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

Originally posted by Beauty
Okay this is MY OPINION and based on MY EXPERIENCE......

If my mother had controlled what I ate more as a child, then I might not be in the process of having to lose over 100 pounds. I don't blame her for my weight as an adult because she certainly hasn't put the food in my mouth. But growing up we ate burgers and cake and she was always cooking wonderfully fattening foods so as I grew older I ate what I was used to. I wish I had been given more salad or broccoli and been taught that eating good for you is important!!

I agree with that 100%!!

As for the debate, I agree that parents get to do things that kids shouldn't. However, it does seem cruel to make the kid eat healthier and mom is pigging out.

 

[Crankyshank]

If my mother had controlled what I ate more as a child, then I might not be in the process of having to lose over 100 pounds. I don't blame her for my weight as an adult because she certainly hasn't put the food in my mouth. But growing up we ate burgers and cake and she was always cooking wonderfully fattening foods so as I grew older I ate what I was used to. I wish I had been given more salad or broccoli and been taught that eating good for you is important

And If my Mother didn't over control every morsel that I put in my mouth, I would be willing to bet I'd be a lot thinner. I ate junk because it wasn't allowed in my house.

Hopefully that isn't the situation with the child in question. I can agree with the fact that just because an adult can indulge in something, doesn't mean the child can. Kids today seem to have every whim indulged and it's nice to hear about parents who say no. However, if the parents don't let them indulge on occasion, the kid is eventually going to rebel.

 

[N.Bailey]

I agree with you Maleficent. I do however feel the parents are perfectly within their rights to do as they did. Pasta, heathy? I think I might beg to differ there, unless of course it wasn't enriched noodles? I think I'm safe in saying that it was plain old pasta though.

I hold firm to the do as I say and not as I do rule though. I'm 37 years old and my children are 12 & 13. Of course I'm going to be able to do things they shouldn't be doing. I think when it comes to food though, if you're splurging from a healthy diet for the night, then I think my kids are certainly entitled to as well.

Just my opinion anyway.

 

[disykat]

I think teaching your kids that children have to eat healthy but adults get to eat like pigs is a horrible lesson. I do agree, however, that it's fine to make it clear to kids that they live by different rules than adults do. I just think you have to be careful about the adult example you are setting as well - it's likely your kids may follow your example when they are adults.

That said, I can imagine eating like that on vacation if my child had soda and fries at lunch while I ate salad. It might be my turn to indulge, but they already had their treat.

 

[RachelEllen]

I think it's fine to show kids that adults have privledges that they don't. But you can still do that and model behavior for children. The difference is that you would be behaving in a way that the kid can expect to earn as they become an adult.

Now I have no way of knowing what was really going on at that table, but if all was as it was presented, it doesn't seem like good modelling of behavior to me. If the lesson you are teaching your kid is that you should generally eat healthy and have the occasional treat, then everyone in the family should be eating in a healthy way. The adult's moderate treat may be a drink. The kid's may be a cookie. The kid doesn't get adult privledges, but the adult is still modelling behavior within their general guidelines.

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

I grew up in a "Do as I say, not as I do" household, and I think it benefited me. Mom had Twinkies and Pepsi for breakfast; I had cereal. Mom is iverweight; I am not. Mom had extensive dental work done due to poor eating habits; I have not.

Now that I have 2 DDs of my own, I try to pass on the good habits and minimize the bad. Yesterday I took DD55 1/2 to her annual epilepsy check-up. The Dr asked her what she followed her meds (very bitter liquid) with. DD replied apple juice or water. Dr asked if she had tried Dr Pepper or Root Beer as the chaser (imagine a 5yo shooting a shot of whiskey (medication) followed by a beer (apple juice or water) chaser and you see what I mean). DD said no, and Dr was stunned. I mentioned that soda was not readily available in my house and Dr was impressed. Her only comment was that Dr Pepper or Root Beer might mask the flavor of the med, but that fruit juice or water was a better choice for health reasons.

Despite sounding like my mom (yikes!), "Do as I say, not as I do!"

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

For me personally, I would not take my niece, who turns 8 tomorrow to a restaurant and expect her to eat "healthy" while I ate a burger and fries. It's true that there are some things adults can do that kids can't, but in this particular instance I don't think that's fair. The poor kid could probably smell all the food as it was being eaten right in front of him. I wouldn't do this any more than I would eat a piece of chocolate cake in front of someone who was dieting. JMHO.

 

[Planogirl]

We eat healthy at home. When we're out all bets are off though. Of course, we don't eat out very often.

 

[AirForceRocks]

In the example given by the OP, I'm not saying that I wouldn't let my kids eat a burger and fries and drink a soda if that's what I was doing. My comments were directed to the larger issue of "do as I say, not as I do", and I stick with my position on that. Of course as the children get older, they are going to be able to do more and more, but that doesn't mean that I should be limited to doing only what they can do, nor does it mean that I should allow them to do everything that I do.

And while I personally wouldn't do what the mother in the OP did, I still don't consider it to be cruel.

 

[KimRaye]

Not knowing the entire background of the family that OP posted about, maybe the kid had pigged out all day, nothing nutritious, nothing worthy of a so-called meal, etc., but I still don't think it's right to 'punish' a child who wants to eat, by eating everything they can't/shouldn't eat right in front of them while they're out to dinner for some special event, IF that was the case. Again, there's no telling what this family's day was like up to that point.

Conversely, I took my kids out to lunch today. DS had a mushroom cheeseburger and cheese fries, while DD had a hot dog (no bun) with (about 6) fries, and they shared a fruit punch drink. I, on the other hand, DROOLED over their left-over french fries, and ate a WW-planned chicken sandwich later! THAT was hard!!! I do not take them out 'fast-fooding' often, and I only do it when I know they're really hungry, and I know they'll eat, because basically they do NOT like fast food. GO figure! I'M THE (hopefully, former) FAST FOOD JUNKIE!!!

 

[preshi]

Originally posted by Maleficent13
Okay, the thread title doesn't really explain what I mean, but I couldn't think of a better way to state it. Here's my example:

Today at lunch, I went to a local pub/restaurant (it was Wednesday...all chicken sandwiches $3.99!). As I was eating, a family of 6 walked in, 5 adults and 1 child, (boy, about 8).

The waitress came to get their drink orders and all the adults ordered soda, and the boy wanted Sprite. Mom told boy, "No, Sprite isn't a nutritious drink." She then asked the waitress what they had in the way of nutritious drinks, and the kid ended up with milk.

Then came the perusal of the menu. Boy had child's menu, and mom eliminated all the choices on it systematically: "No, you had pizza last week." "No, you had red meat yesterday." etc. Eventually, she agreed to let the boy get pasta with red sauce because it was the most "healthy" thing on there.

Meanwhile, the other adults at the table proceeded to order: wings, burgers, onion rings, pierogies, etc. There was not a thing on that table not fried in grease and distinctly "unhealthy". The topper was mom herself, who ordered a HUGE order of chili cheese fries, fully loaded. They pigged out, while the kid sat there and dejectedly ate his pasta. The adults kept exclaiming how good everything was, and he just watched and listened.

Now here's the debate: was this right on the parent's part? I am not debating if it was their right to make him eat "healthy": of course it was. As parents they have the say over what he does. But I am saying to me it seemed VERY hypocritical, not to mention cruel to the kid. It just felt wrong to me. The kid was very well-behaved and did not whine or ask for anything he was told he couldn't have.

Opinions?

Hardly anything bugs me more than that, it's like saying everyone gets a cupcake except you. Poor kiddo. I'd never do that to my children as that really hits a nerve and makes me tremendously sad. When I was younger I was picked on alot (and obviously I need therapy to get over it), I just think thats wrong.