Dear Disboards grief counselors

[Tracy Savage]

I have a question. My mom passed away a couple of months ago and lately I feel like I want to lash out at people. I am the type that if you hurt my feelings or or sight me I will blow it off like "Oh they're just having a bad day or whatever" Or if there is a debate or differing opinions, now, I feel like I get really aggressive and angry. Basically I am going to tell you how I feel whether you like it or not. Usually I keep it inside. Does this make a bit of sense? Do you suppose its a part of grieving? Thanks.

 

[DawnCt1]

I think its definitely a part of grieving and I think that its insightful of you that you recognize it. Its hard to recognize behavior in the midst of being sad. When loved ones die we often feel angry. We are angry that they left us, even though it wasn't their "fault" and not what they ever wanted. Allow yourself to be sad. It takes a while but as time goes by it gets a little easier. I hardly remember the first three months after I lost my mom. I was on autopilot. For the first six months I couldn't mention her name without crying. When I didn't think of her, I felt guilty. Those feelings will pass. You will be able to talk about the good times, and laugh about the funny times. It takes time. Think about how she would want you to feel. She would be here with you if she could. If you feel the need to talk to her, talk to her. I still talk to my mom and I think she listens and watches out for all of us.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

So sorry to hear about your loss! It's totally normal to go through the anger stage....(See article below).

From personal experience, I think the lashing out at people is due to the fact that you are in pain over something that is truly life altering. I'm guessing that the people you are getting angry with are causing annoyance over really petty, stupid things....or, at least, things that really do not matter in the grand scheme of life.

I know I really lose my patience over petty squabbles and disagreements because, to me it's just not important. It's a waste of time when we could be being considerate and respectful of each other and just move forward.

Try not to be too hard on the people around you who are not dealing with a recent loss. Their perspective is just different. Definitely don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. And, most important, grieving or not, if people are actually treating you poorly, you do NOT have to take it!!

Hope things start looking up again soon!


http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

 

[Tracy Savage]

Thanks Dawn, you always have such good posts! I totally understand the guilt part. I try to put it out of my mind when I start to get upset. Then I feel bad about that too. Ugh. I have been told I have always been on the witchy side-hahaha- but now I just feel mean.

 

[Tracy Savage]

Thanks Diva. It's nice to know that I'm not just loosing it.

 

[TwingleMum]

You have just lost a very significant person in your life. Your Mom is ( or should be) your rock, your safe harbor. The person you can always count on to be your cheerleader and biggest fan. The stages of grief are real and I think what you are experiencing is very normal. You have to be really kind to yourself and allow yourself some slack. But of course if you stay stuck in this stage you may want to talk to someone. I believe that love never dies and those we love are always beside us. If you don't already talk to your Mom try and let her know how much you love her and miss her. I hope very soon you find peace and can concentrate on the joy your Mom brought to your life and not dwell on the pain of losing her.

 

[Imzadi]

Hugs to you. Yes, this is definitely part of the grieving process. There are Five stages of grief and loss. Stage two is anger. You're fine (so to speak.) Let yourself go through your anger. It doesn't mean you take it out on people. But you will be angry, frustrated, enraged at times. As time goes by, in your own speed, you will cycle through all 5 stages and back over some again & again. This is very natural.

You should read the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross books.
It will take you through the five stages, so you can recognise where you are. Know that the 5 stages aren't necessarily chronological, and you and your family may skip around, backtrack, seem okay, then suddenly fall apart, just as you thought you were finally feeling a smidge of feeling okay for once. ALL of that is NORMAL. And it's okay to not know how to deal with any of this. If you were handling this in some tidy, neat fashion, I'd be really worried. As time goes by, in your own speed, you will cycle through all 5 stages and back over some again & again. This is very natural.


http://www.way2hope.org/5_stages_of_grief_and_loss.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url?%5Fencoding=UTF8&search-type=ss&index=books&field-author=Elisabeth%20Kubler-Ross

This is also a very soothing, comforting book. It's written in very small sections of a page or two each chapter. But, it nurtures you through the process of ALL kinds of losses:
How to Survive the Loss of a Love . There is a preview at Amazon.

 

[chell]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Have you gone though any grief counseling? If you haven't contact your local Hospice office and set up an appointment. Their services are free to anyone who has lost a loved one recently. They offer one-on-one counseling and group counseling if and when you are ready for that step. Please consider contacting them. It was a huge help for me when someone in my family passed away unexpectedly. Honestly, I don't think I would have made it through with my sanity in tact without their help.

Above all else remember to take care of yourself and take time for yourself. When you want to be in a bad mood it is okay. When you want to laugh that is okay too. Try to take time to do something nice for yourself too because you have probably been too busy concentrating on everything else.

 

[alizesmom]

You are completely normal. The anger is such a surprise when it happens to you. Despite knowing all of the stages of grief, that one was totally unexpected for me. I'm saying a prayer that you work your way through the stages and find peace.

 

[dicar123]

I totally understand the guilt part. I try to put it out of my mind when I start to get upset. Then I feel bad about that too.

It really does take a couple of months for the fog to lift and then you start feeling the emotions in full. So, you're right on schedule

Relating to your post above, I would caution you to about shoving things out of your mind. Emotions don't always make perfect sense, but they are real and we need to deal with them.

I lost my son 3 years ago. I did feel guilt and I shoved it right out of my head, thinking that it was just a "Moms should always be able to prevent bad things happening" way of torturing myself which I knew I didn't deserve.

But the feelings didn't go away. So, I sat with them awhile. I thought about it. I asked myself, "Is there anyway you are responsible for his death?" No. "Ok, are you feeling guilty because of things done/not done while he was alive?" No, that didn't feel right either.

What it came down to, for me, was guilt that I didn't fall down dead when I heard the news. My beautiful boy was gone, and here I was walking around, making dinner, watching tv. What the heck kind of mom was I anyway??

But when I thought it through (a number of times, over months), I came to the conclusion that I really have no choice. God didn't strike me dead. Throwing myself off a bridge wasn't an option. So, I'm living my life.

A lot of days that didn't feel so good. But over time, as you accept, it gets easier. Smiling today, laughing today, having fun doesn't take anything at all away from my son. But boy, does it it help the son I still have. And that's my most important job now.

Had I continued to ignore those feelings, I don't think I'd be doing so well today.

 

[Morganpics]

It really does take a couple of months for the fog to lift and then you start feeling the emotions in full. So, you're right on schedule

Relating to your post above, I would caution you to about shoving things out of your mind. Emotions don't always make perfect sense, but they are real and we need to deal with them.

I lost my son 3 years ago. I did feel guilt and I shoved it right out of my head, thinking that it was just a "Moms should always be able to prevent bad things happening" way of torturing myself which I knew I didn't deserve.

But the feelings didn't go away. So, I sat with them awhile. I thought about it. I asked myself, "Is there anyway you are responsible for his death?" No. "Ok, are you feeling guilty because of things done/not done while he was alive?" No, that didn't feel right either.

What it came down to, for me, was guilt that I didn't fall down dead when I heard the news. My beautiful boy was gone, and here I was walking around, making dinner, watching tv. What the heck kind of mom was I anyway??

But when I thought it through (a number of times, over months), I came to the conclusion that I really have no choice. God didn't strike me dead. Throwing myself off a bridge wasn't an option. So, I'm living my life.

A lot of days that didn't feel so good. But over time, as you accept, it gets easier. Smiling today, laughing today, having fun doesn't take anything at all away from my son. But boy, does it it help the son I still have. And that's my most important job now.

Had I continued to ignore those feelings, I don't think I'd be doing so well today.

You have a great deal of insight and I wish my sister would read your post. She lost her son in 1994 and has been stuck at that point ever since. She is a sad, pitiful person.

 

[Tracy Savage]

It really does take a couple of months for the fog to lift and then you start feeling the emotions in full. So, you're right on schedule

Relating to your post above, I would caution you to about shoving things out of your mind. Emotions don't always make perfect sense, but they are real and we need to deal with them.

I lost my son 3 years ago. I did feel guilt and I shoved it right out of my head, thinking that it was just a "Moms should always be able to prevent bad things happening" way of torturing myself which I knew I didn't deserve.

But the feelings didn't go away. So, I sat with them awhile. I thought about it. I asked myself, "Is there anyway you are responsible for his death?" No. "Ok, are you feeling guilty because of things done/not done while he was alive?" No, that didn't feel right either.

What it came down to, for me, was guilt that I didn't fall down dead when I heard the news. My beautiful boy was gone, and here I was walking around, making dinner, watching tv. What the heck kind of mom was I anyway??

But when I thought it through (a number of times, over months), I came to the conclusion that I really have no choice. God didn't strike me dead. Throwing myself off a bridge wasn't an option. So, I'm living my life.

A lot of days that didn't feel so good. But over time, as you accept, it gets easier. Smiling today, laughing today, having fun doesn't take anything at all away from my son. But boy, does it it help the son I still have. And that's my most important job now.

Had I continued to ignore those feelings, I don't think I'd be doing so well today.

Iam so sorry about your son. I am grateful I still have my Dad and helping him and my son get thru this has put alot of my feelings on the backburner. I guess it's my turn now. Thank you all

 

[daisax]

To me it sounds more like depression than the anger stage of grief (though it could be anger as a part of the depression stage of grief). My understanding of the "anger" side of the grieving process is more that it would be aimed at the care somebody received, or the behavior of those around who weren't supportive enough, etc -- but directly related in some way to the death or person who died.

If you're feeling a sort of generalized irritability and uncharacteristic short temper, however, to me that sounds more like a symptom of depression, which is perfectly understandable. I would check out depression check lists and see if you meet other criteria. Where it's so soon after such a big loss, situational depression is perfectly natural, but it might be helpful to understand it and guard against it becoming more of a clinical depression in the future.