Hi!
My deepest sympathies go out to you on this very painful anniversary. You have asked a number of difficult questions, and while I am no expert I will do my best to try to give you some solace.
You asked how to deal with your brother's death, whether you did everything "right" and when the pain goes away. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is different for different people. When my mom died I was just a few years older than you are now and I was similar to you in that, at that point in my life, she was the most important person in my world. It had been just the two of us all of my life and there was no extended family. Like your loss, her death was also sudden and unexpected although I did have several days, instead of just a few minutes, from the time she entered the hospital (she had a cerebral aneurysm) to the day that she actually was allowed to pass away. But, the reality was that from the moment that her aneurysm occurred, my world and her's was irrevocably changed.
I spent the first several years just "going through the motions". I made some very foolish decisions, mostly financial, tried very hard to continue living my life as I had when she had been alive and continued making choices based upon what I thought she would want me to do.
I also steadfastly avoided actually dealing with the feelings of anger, loss, abandonment, fear, grief, depression, loneliness, guilt and shame that I felt regarding her death. No, I didn't cause her death any more than you caused the death of your brother. And no it wasn't in any way my fault any more than it is yours. But even though I knew this with the front of my brain in the back of my mind and in my heart I didn't believe it either. So, I shut things off and decided that not feeling these things would be easier.
What I didn't realize at the time was that in turning off the lows in my life I was also turning off the highs. As a result of trying to shield myself from these devastating lows I in turn gave up all of those exhilarating highs that life can provide. Nothing good or bad moved me much.
Then one day a couple of years past her death I was sitting in a restaurant with my new roommate and something struck me funny. It wasn't something huge, definitely not a knee-slapper but the dam broke and out flooded all the emotions that I had bottled away, all at once, right there in the middle of Denny's. I was convulsed with truly hysterical laughter and awash in uncontrollable tears.
That moment was the beginning, although I didn't know it yet, of my starting to heal. I did get a therapist and that was extremely helpful. Oddly, while you are seeing them it doesn't really feel like it is doing any good (at least it didn't for me) but it is kind of like going to the gym.
When you first start going you walk in with hopes, dreams, goals and no idea of what it will really take to get you where you want to be. As you continue to attend and do your physical (or mental) workout you start to feel things you haven't felt before. Areas you were never aware of are suddenly painfilled. Things will get so uncomfortable that you will really want to quit going.
Things you thought would be super easy prove to be much more difficult than you expected and some things you never thought you could do you find you are able to accomplish with ease. Then, one day, after weeks or months of work you wake up one morning and find that seemingly overnight things have changed. You are stronger than before. The areas that were tender to the touch are once again smooth and painless and the goals you started with are not only with easy reach but may already have been surpassed and replaced by others.
You will never forget having the pain of the loss of your brother but there truly will come a day when you won't continue feeling it. Much like a scar on your skin which fades with time but never truly goes away, emotional injuries leave their mark but there does come a time when you can fearlessly poke about in their vicinity without fear of reawakening the beast.
You didn't cause your brother's death anymore than you caused his life. There wasn't anything you could have done differently or "better" that would have changed the outcome. This was the essence of a senseless accident. A horrible, terrible, earth shattering senseless accident.
His love for you was demonstrated not just in that moment when he took the wheel but in all the moments in your lives together before that fateful one, when he earned his place in your heart.
And your love for him is demonstrated by your continued thoughts of him and in all the moments that earned your place in his heart as well.
There never will be a time in your life now or in the future when you won't spend some time in the land of "what if..." but as time goes on your visits there will become briefer and instead of dwelling upon what happened then you will be able to bring him forward into your joyful now.
Someday when you find your true love, he will be there with you. When you start a family of your own you will see glimpses of him in your child's face. You will still share all your private jokes and there will come a time when you will find it easier to remember his smile without seeing it through your own tears.
I don't know what you believe but here is what I do. I believe that those that we love don't really die until we stop remembering them. And I also believe that their love for us continues just as ours continues for them.
Again, I am truly sorry for your loss and hope that I have helped give you some small comfort.
Take care,
Tisza
I am so terribly sorry.
