Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[prairie_girl]

High, low, middle ground cost doesn't matter. You the guest are being expected to contribute (aside from a gift). I'm not knocking the practice it's whatever an area (be it regional, social circle or environment) does but if you're telling me guests bring items whatever the cost may be for those items and that's the norm in your area (as you said it's often potluck) seems the same exact thing as one paying for their own food which you seem to think was for the other poster. I think the situations are really one in the same IMO. FWIW I don't often discuss how much something cost when I bring potluck. My mom spends quite a lot more than people think for her batch of 36 cookies in supplies but she's not going to just tell people "oh I spent X on this". I guess my point being it could easily be $15-$20 for those potlucks you just may not be privy to that information.

You’re right, it could be more expensive for some food than for other food.

If you really want your mind blown, wiki Manitoba socials lol

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You’re right, it could be more expensive for some food than for other food.

If you really want your mind blown, wiki Manitoba socials lol

Well I clearly had my wedding in the wrong area judging by google info

 

[prairie_girl]

Well I clearly had my wedding in the wrong area judging by google info

LOL I thought you’d like it. I have been to so many of them, usually without knowing anyone but the person I’m with. You go to strangers, and they go to yours.

 

[LovesTimone]

You go to baby showers and have to pay for your own food? I sure wouldn’t go to any more if that was the case. Of course, here, they are at someone’s home and everyone usually brings a dish to contribute.


OP, how did your lunch go?

OP here...

I was going to post right away Tuesday afternoon, then I decided to wait and really think about what was said.

I was very hopeful going into this lunch, and unfortunately it did not turn out they way I hoped it would.

So I let her pick where to meet, and she decided on Longhorn...

After much conversation... I really see no hope for the friendship... which really sadden's me and at the same its a relief...

Her take - was that I owed her a apology for not "sharing" my BJ's card, as well since I have a big SUV that it only makes sense that I should drive, and that I hung up on her... and to which I made it clear that was not happening...

Her overall stance is simply this and I quote "I don't see what the big deal is, your all so wasteful, why shouldn't we benefit from it".

After that statement, I just sat there stunned... then I got angry...

I asked her, so you think its okay to show up, never bring what your suppose to, complain, harass the poor server and embarrass us when we are all out to diner or whatever we are doing... You never once have bought a appetizer for the table, or a round of drinks... Yet you have no problem grabbing a plate and helping yourself or ordering drinks, as long as someone else is paying... You show up empty handed, and yet you bring plastic dishes to take a plate home... You never bring or pay for your fair share, yet you feel entitled to what you see as our wastefulness...

Her response - Yes... why not, we are all friends right... why shouldn't we enjoy it...

I said that's not friendship... that's using someone... being selfish, mooching, and just plain cheap...

She said your taking this all wrong... I said No, there is no other way to take this...

The server came up and asked for 1 or 2 checks... I was like 2 checks please... I paid and over tipped the server for my part as I knew she would not tip her... Went to my car... and I won't look back...

 

[prairie_girl]

OP here...

I was going to post right away Tuesday afternoon, then I decided to wait and really think about what was said.

I was very hopeful going into this lunch, and unfortunately it did not turn out they way I hoped it would.

So I let her pick where to meet, and she decided on Longhorn...

After much conversation... I really see no hope for the friendship... which really sadden's me and at the same its a relief...

Her take - was that I owed her a apology for not "sharing" my BJ's card, as well since I have a big SUV that it only makes sense that I should drive, and that I hung up on her... and to which I made it clear that was not happening...

Her overall stance is simply this and I quote "I don't see what the big deal is, your all so wasteful, why shouldn't we benefit from it".

After that statement, I just sat there stunned... then I got angry...

I asked her, so you think its okay to show up, never bring what your suppose to, complain, harass the poor server and embarrass us when we are all out to diner or whatever we are doing... You never once have bought a appetizer for the table, or a round of drinks... Yet you have no problem grabbing a plate and helping yourself or ordering drinks, as long as someone else is paying... You show up empty handed, and yet you bring plastic dishes to take a plate home... You never bring or pay for your fair share, yet you feel entitled to what you see as our wastefulness...

Her response - Yes... why not, we are all friends right... why shouldn't we enjoy it...

I said that's not friendship... that's using someone... being selfish, mooching, and just plain cheap...

She said your taking this all wrong... I said No, there is no other way to take this...

The server came up and asked for 1 or 2 checks... I was like 2 checks please... I paid and over tipped the server for my part as I knew she would not tip her... Went to my car... and I won't look back...

I’m sorry things didn’t go better for you. Hopefully now you can move on and not beat yourself up for it.

 

[SC Minnie]

OP here...

I was going to post right away Tuesday afternoon, then I decided to wait and really think about what was said.

I was very hopeful going into this lunch, and unfortunately it did not turn out they way I hoped it would.

So I let her pick where to meet, and she decided on Longhorn...

After much conversation... I really see no hope for the friendship... which really sadden's me and at the same its a relief...

Her take - was that I owed her a apology for not "sharing" my BJ's card, as well since I have a big SUV that it only makes sense that I should drive, and that I hung up on her... and to which I made it clear that was not happening...

Her overall stance is simply this and I quote "I don't see what the big deal is, your all so wasteful, why shouldn't we benefit from it".

After that statement, I just sat there stunned... then I got angry...

I asked her, so you think its okay to show up, never bring what your suppose to, complain, harass the poor server and embarrass us when we are all out to diner or whatever we are doing... You never once have bought a appetizer for the table, or a round of drinks... Yet you have no problem grabbing a plate and helping yourself or ordering drinks, as long as someone else is paying... You show up empty handed, and yet you bring plastic dishes to take a plate home... You never bring or pay for your fair share, yet you feel entitled to what you see as our wastefulness...

Her response - Yes... why not, we are all friends right... why shouldn't we enjoy it...

I said that's not friendship... that's using someone... being selfish, mooching, and just plain cheap...

She said your taking this all wrong... I said No, there is no other way to take this...

The server came up and asked for 1 or 2 checks... I was like 2 checks please... I paid and over tipped the server for my part as I knew she would not tip her... Went to my car... and I won't look back...

I can't believe her audacity. I don't blame you for not looking back. At least you tried.

 

[AndreaDM]

Wow, she certainly has no self-awareness at all! Most of us would feel like royal jerks if we were called out on that type of behavior, not continue to think we were entitled to everything without contributing.

 

[izzy]

Whoa, I was hopeful for you that the conversation would go well since you were good friends in the past. After what she said, though, I don’t think I could be friends with her anymore. Friendships come and go in life, and it sounds like this one is at the end.

What do the rest of your group of friends think of her and her husband’s moochiness? Would they still continue to invite this couple to get togethers and vacations?

 

[QueenIsabella]

OP here...

I was going to post right away Tuesday afternoon, then I decided to wait and really think about what was said.

I was very hopeful going into this lunch, and unfortunately it did not turn out they way I hoped it would.

So I let her pick where to meet, and she decided on Longhorn...

After much conversation... I really see no hope for the friendship... which really sadden's me and at the same its a relief...

Her take - was that I owed her a apology for not "sharing" my BJ's card, as well since I have a big SUV that it only makes sense that I should drive, and that I hung up on her... and to which I made it clear that was not happening...

Her overall stance is simply this and I quote "I don't see what the big deal is, your all so wasteful, why shouldn't we benefit from it".

After that statement, I just sat there stunned... then I got angry...

I asked her, so you think its okay to show up, never bring what your suppose to, complain, harass the poor server and embarrass us when we are all out to diner or whatever we are doing... You never once have bought a appetizer for the table, or a round of drinks... Yet you have no problem grabbing a plate and helping yourself or ordering drinks, as long as someone else is paying... You show up empty handed, and yet you bring plastic dishes to take a plate home... You never bring or pay for your fair share, yet you feel entitled to what you see as our wastefulness...

Her response - Yes... why not, we are all friends right... why shouldn't we enjoy it...

I said that's not friendship... that's using someone... being selfish, mooching, and just plain cheap...

She said your taking this all wrong... I said No, there is no other way to take this...

The server came up and asked for 1 or 2 checks... I was like 2 checks please... I paid and over tipped the server for my part as I knew she would not tip her... Went to my car... and I won't look back...

Wow. Just, wow. At least you know now. They say that, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm glad you have other, better friends.

 

[LovesTimone]

Whoa, I was hopeful for you that the conversation would go well since you were good friends in the past. After what she said, though, I don’t think I could be friends with her anymore. Friendships come and go in life, and it sounds like this one is at the end.

What do the rest of your group of friends think of her and her husband’s moochiness? Would they still continue to invite this couple to get togethers and vacations?

For the most part, I think overall the relationship has been running on thin ice for some time with other members of our group.

A few of the other couples have already distance themselves from them, since the shutdown due to covid, and just are not picking back up with them... We have been to a few get together's and I know that they were not invited.

I know that as far as DH and I are concerned we won't have anything else to do with them.

 

[mamamelody2]

Wow, OP! She wanted an apology from YOU? Yikes!
At least you tried, and now can move on without them.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

OP here...

I was going to post right away Tuesday afternoon, then I decided to wait and really think about what was said.

I was very hopeful going into this lunch, and unfortunately it did not turn out they way I hoped it would.

So I let her pick where to meet, and she decided on Longhorn...

After much conversation... I really see no hope for the friendship... which really sadden's me and at the same its a relief...

Her take - was that I owed her a apology for not "sharing" my BJ's card, as well since I have a big SUV that it only makes sense that I should drive, and that I hung up on her... and to which I made it clear that was not happening...

Her overall stance is simply this and I quote "I don't see what the big deal is, your all so wasteful, why shouldn't we benefit from it".

After that statement, I just sat there stunned... then I got angry...

I asked her, so you think its okay to show up, never bring what your suppose to, complain, harass the poor server and embarrass us when we are all out to diner or whatever we are doing... You never once have bought a appetizer for the table, or a round of drinks... Yet you have no problem grabbing a plate and helping yourself or ordering drinks, as long as someone else is paying... You show up empty handed, and yet you bring plastic dishes to take a plate home... You never bring or pay for your fair share, yet you feel entitled to what you see as our wastefulness...

Her response - Yes... why not, we are all friends right... why shouldn't we enjoy it...

I said that's not friendship... that's using someone... being selfish, mooching, and just plain cheap...

She said your taking this all wrong... I said No, there is no other way to take this...

The server came up and asked for 1 or 2 checks... I was like 2 checks please... I paid and over tipped the server for my part as I knew she would not tip her... Went to my car... and I won't look back...

Wow, sorry you had to go through that but good on you for at least addressing it. The entitlement that she displayed by wanting an apology for not being able to use things that you own is unacceptable. You are doing a favor by letting her tag along and benefit from your membership.

Friendships are mutually beneficial. You borrow something but you also lend things out. I can understand when things are more one directional due to economic disparities but that doesn't seem to be the case here AND that should be appreciated instead of expected.

I would not feel bad at all cutting someone like that out of my life. You've given her more than enough deference and she has made it clear what her true colors are.

 

[LovesTimone]

Wow, sorry you had to go through that but good on you for at least addressing it. The entitlement that she displayed by wanting an apology for not being able to use things that you own is unacceptable. You are doing a favor by letting her tag along and benefit from your membership.

Friendships are mutually beneficial. You borrow something but you also lend things out. I can understand when things are more one directional due to economic disparities but that doesn't seem to be the case here AND that should be appreciated instead of expected.

I would not feel bad at all cutting someone like that out of my life. You've given her more than enough deference and she has made it clear what her true colors are.

I'm just glad that things are hashed out at least on my part... I don't have any hard feelings for them or anything like that. I will say it is a relief to know where I stand on them...I am just choosing more carefully who we let into our life, and honestly "Drama Free is the Life for Me" !!!

 

[Gatrcruzer]

OP here...

I was going to post right away Tuesday afternoon, then I decided to wait and really think about what was said.

I was very hopeful going into this lunch, and unfortunately it did not turn out they way I hoped it would.

So I let her pick where to meet, and she decided on Longhorn...

After much conversation... I really see no hope for the friendship... which really sadden's me and at the same its a relief...

Her take - was that I owed her a apology for not "sharing" my BJ's card, as well since I have a big SUV that it only makes sense that I should drive, and that I hung up on her... and to which I made it clear that was not happening...

Her overall stance is simply this and I quote "I don't see what the big deal is, your all so wasteful, why shouldn't we benefit from it".

After that statement, I just sat there stunned... then I got angry...

I asked her, so you think its okay to show up, never bring what your suppose to, complain, harass the poor server and embarrass us when we are all out to diner or whatever we are doing... You never once have bought a appetizer for the table, or a round of drinks... Yet you have no problem grabbing a plate and helping yourself or ordering drinks, as long as someone else is paying... You show up empty handed, and yet you bring plastic dishes to take a plate home... You never bring or pay for your fair share, yet you feel entitled to what you see as our wastefulness...

Her response - Yes... why not, we are all friends right... why shouldn't we enjoy it...

I said that's not friendship... that's using someone... being selfish, mooching, and just plain cheap...

She said your taking this all wrong... I said No, there is no other way to take this...

The server came up and asked for 1 or 2 checks... I was like 2 checks please... I paid and over tipped the server for my part as I knew she would not tip her... Went to my car... and I won't look back...

Oh no! I am so sad to hear this! It is wonderful that you made such an effort, but now you can see clearly what you are dealing with, and in my opinion, you deserve better. As others have said, friendship is a two-way street. Now you can move on and not feel bad about it. Here's hoping you and your other friends can have more enjoyable times together now.

 

[elsbit]

What is funny to me about this situation is that she claims that you and the other friends are wasteful and they should benefit from that, but in my opinion she is the biggest wasteful person considering she just wasted years of friendship for nothing more than being cheap. In the end, they don't end up benefiting from what matters.

 

[bgirldeb]

Good riddance!
im proud of you, OP!

 

[AgentMama]

I've been reading this and was really hoping they were just unaware of how they were coming off. I have to admit I'm surprised she is not only completely aware, but feels so entitled. Her comments certainly don't make it seem like they like you all very much other than what they perceive they can benefit from. At least now, you know exactly where you stand and can move on.

 

[tzolkin]

I've been reading this and was really hoping they were just unaware of how they were coming off. I have to admit I'm surprised she is not only completely aware, but feels so entitled.

I was hoping the same. Sometimes people are completely oblivious of what they are doing or how their actions are being perceived by others.

The "wasteful" comments and expecting an apology are absolutely bizarre to me. I'm frugal and practical, but even I haven't seen anything in the OP's posts that I would consider to be "wasteful". Was she referring to ordering appetizers or buying a membership when talking about being wasteful?

Even if I did think a friend or family member was being extremely wasteful, my natural response would be to be concerned for them and maybe discuss it with them to ensure they weren't doing anything that would cause them long-term financial harm. I certainly would not think, "yay! my friend is so wasteful and making horrible financial decisions. Let me see how much I can benefit from the situation."

 

[Babs Johnson]

Well, at least the OP is now free of the moochers.

It went pretty much how I expected it would. Moochers are usually offended when called out and try to throw it back on you.

Consider it a good riddance ending.

 

[LovesTimone]

I was hoping the same. Sometimes people are completely oblivious of what they are doing or how their actions are being perceived by others.

The "wasteful" comments and expecting an apology are absolutely bizarre to me. I'm frugal and practical, but even I haven't seen anything in the OP's posts that I would consider to be "wasteful". Was she referring to ordering appetizers or buying a membership when talking about being wasteful?

Even if I did think a friend or family member was being extremely wasteful, my natural response would be to be concerned for them and maybe discuss it with them to ensure they weren't doing anything that would cause them long-term financial harm. I certainly would not think, "yay! my friend is so wasteful and making horrible financial decisions. Let me see how much I can benefit from the situation."

OP here,

I got a call from a gal in our group, and she ask's me what is going on? Me... what are you talking about?

You haven't seen the email... long story short, the couple in question sent a email, basically telling everyone off, and how we all are not good friends, and breaking up with us... like a Dear John letter to the group...

In the letter they list how wasteful we are, like a itemized list... and if we are going to be stupid and wasteful, what's the big deal about them enjoying, and get some benefits from all of us on what they see as being wasteful... ( club memberships, ordering food we did not need appetizers and desserts, asking people bring more food that necessary ie a covered dish for the whole group, renting a golf cart, playing golf, being members of any type of club or civic organizations, theme park annual passes, new cars, new houses, sporting and concert events, the list went on and on..)

It went on to say what great friends that they were to all of us, and that basically we should be grateful for friends like them. How we should be ashamed for not inviting them to parties and get together's, how petty we all are, and self-fish, and on and on... That they as our friends are entitled to whatever we all have...

It all honesty I just pity them... I thought how twisted do you have to be to actually think that you are owed something or entitled to what someone else has, or choose to spend their own money on, and hide behind what they are calling friendship...

In a way I was wasteful, I wasted time and friendship on 2 people trying to get something for nothing... who were not worthy to be called friend...

I just blocked them, and have moved on... enough is enough...