Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[sheilafri]

I agree. In our circle of friends we ask for separate checks for each couple. It keeps things simple.

I remember listening to a podcast that said that evenly splitting a check led to higher totals. If you’re paying for someone else’s beverage and dessert, why not order one for yourself as everyone is chipping in on it?

 

[sk!mom]

It's perfectly ok to move on without a confrontation or discussion. If op has had enough, gradually slow the contact.

Agree. I would even say that it’s better to move on without making it a big deal. It’s not really anyone’s place to scold another adult for their poor manners.

To the OP. If they are truly a fun couple who you enjoy occasionally, then that’s the relationship I would have. I’d go in with my eyes wide open and low expectations. Probably only including them for a low key house party or cookout get together.

for anything else, I’d just establish boundaries. I’d likely dodge phone calls so that they were forced to communicate via text so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard by a verbal request. They’ll eventually get the message.

IMO, it’s difficult to find people compatible enough for travel. DH and I have vowed to avoid it going forward.

 

[kymom99]

Agree. I would even say that it’s better to move on without making it a big deal. It’s not really anyone’s place to scold another adult for their poor manners.

To the OP. If they are truly a fun couple who you enjoy occasionally, then that’s the relationship I would have. I’d go in with my eyes wide open and low expectations. Probably only including them for a low key house party or cookout get together.

for anything else, I’d just establish boundaries. I’d likely dodge phone calls so that they were forced to communicate via text so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard by a verbal request. They’ll eventually get the message.

IMO, it’s difficult to find people compatible enough for travel. DH and I have vowed to avoid it going forward.

I love to travel with my friends. However, even though we are all of the same profession (teachers/retired teachers) we still have very different family dynamics. I still have a son at home. Several friends are single or have high earning spouses. A couple of them recently will start out with a plan for a trip and kept increasing it. Like upgrade to a suite, want to add a drink package, things like that. I started going to baseball games with a couple of them who have taken a liking to the premium seats or all you can eat and drink areas. I did it a couple times but just can’t keep up with them. I like to go to the games to watch the games, not to eat mediocre food, and an alcoholic drink or 2 and I’m done. So I have to decline more often now. I’m not cheap but I’m not wasteful either.

 

[shh]

I remember listening to a podcast that said that evenly splitting a check led to higher totals. If you’re paying for someone else’s beverage and dessert, why not order one for yourself as everyone is chipping in on it?

HA! I learned that after paying $20-30+ for a salad and soda too many times at work birthday and baby shower lunches and dinners over the years, while everyone else lived it up. So I started living large - using the exact logic above.

Back then, it wasn't as socially acceptable to ask for sep checks - at least not in the workplace cultures I was at. You'd be labeled "cheap" and stand out like a sore thumb if you said anything. I'd avoid a few of the get-togethers to save money, but skip too many and you're not a "team player". This was the 80s/90s....very different. Pressure to conform was WAY stronger than it is today.

 

[FreeTime]

The splitting of checks at work dinners reminds me of an annual work event that I was required to go to. It was an evening of networking during a conference. The first year, I had one drink. When I got back to the office everyone that had a drink was required to split the tab. My portion was $215! By co-worker who was in the same situation as me and we were both new to the job and not making nearly as much as everyone else, had a newborn at home and her husband was a stay at home dad. I felt terrible for her but there was no was I could come up with another $200. I remember saying that I wish I had had a few more since I had to pay so much.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

My issue is not so much with cheap but with moochers. Cheap and moochy. I know several in my world.

 

[prairie_girl]

HA! I learned that after paying $20-30+ for a salad and soda too many times at work birthday and baby shower lunches and dinners over the years, while everyone else lived it up. So I started living large - using the exact logic above.

Back then, it wasn't as socially acceptable to ask for sep checks - at least not in the workplace cultures I was at. You'd be labeled "cheap" and stand out like a sore thumb if you said anything. I'd avoid a few of the get-togethers to save money, but skip too many and you're not a "team player". This was the 80s/90s....very different. Pressure to conform was WAY stronger than it is today.

You go to baby showers and have to pay for your own food? I sure wouldn’t go to any more if that was the case. Of course, here, they are at someone’s home and everyone usually brings a dish to contribute.


OP, how did your lunch go?

 

[bcla]

The splitting of checks at work dinners reminds me of an annual work event that I was required to go to. It was an evening of networking during a conference. The first year, I had one drink. When I got back to the office everyone that had a drink was required to split the tab. My portion was $215! By co-worker who was in the same situation as me and we were both new to the job and not making nearly as much as everyone else, had a newborn at home and her husband was a stay at home dad. I felt terrible for her but there was no was I could come up with another $200. I remember saying that I wish I had had a few more since I had to pay so much.

Wow. I've never really had anything like that. And if I'm required to be somewhere as a requirement of my work, the employer better either pay for reasonable meals or provide it.

My last work trip was about two years ago at a trade show in Vegas. I got to charge every meal to the company. But strangely enough I barely got to spend money for dinner because the CEO took us out twice and another night we had a company we partnered with invite us to their event with food and alcohol. And no our CEO didn't seem to care that we were consuming alcohol as long as we didn't embarrass ourselves. Heck - there was a booth at the trade show that was providing beer.

 

[mom2rtk]

You go to baby showers and have to pay for your own food? I sure wouldn’t go to any more if that was the case. Of course, here, they are at someone’s home and everyone usually brings a dish to contribute.

If you're going out for a work baby shower, who do you expect to pay for the food?

 

[FreeTime]

Wow. I've never really had anything like that. And if I'm required to be somewhere as a requirement of my work, the employer better either pay for reasonable meals or provide it.

My last work trip was about two years ago at a trade show in Vegas. I got to charge every meal to the company. But strangely enough I barely got to spend money for dinner because the CEO took us out twice and another night we had a company we partnered with invite us to their event with food and alcohol. And no our CEO didn't seem to care that we were consuming alcohol as long as we didn't embarrass ourselves. Heck - there was a booth at the trade show that was providing beer.

It was a government job so we weren’t permitted to have anyone else pay for it and even with the high cost city rates, we used 100% on meals. We also weren’t allowed to expense alcohol.

 

[ronandannette]

If you're going out for a work baby shower, who do you expect to pay for the food?

I've never heard of one like the PP described. In my experience any showers or milestone celebrations for office people are just cake in the boardroom. Somebody makes it or it comes out of petty cash. I've not heard of people going out for lunch. I guess then unless the company had a policy to pay for it, everybody would go dutch or split it and chip in for the person being feted.

I can appreciate though that she mentioned it was the 90's - things were different then. My current company, where I've worked for 15 years has never had a "go out for lunch" culture. Honestly, nobody does it, at least not with coworkers. Most of us eat at our desks and work through, a few go for a walk or to a nearby gym. It's not even a thing anymore for vendors to invite us out and that's even in pre-Covid times.

 

[Dznypal]

not so much about cheap friends but more the fact its better to clear the air--
My friend and I used to play bingo at the local casino--and we always would split if either one of us won

and for a while it was pretty even--as far as splitting (and yes I knew going into it that it was a gamble) but after a while I was winning more often and higher amounts so I had to give her more then she had to split with me

she liked to keep track of who would win and how much--she did this just for fun
so after some time I got on a winning streak to the tune that in less then a years time I had to split with her over $800 more then she had to split with me--

so after the last win with I had to give her 500$ since I won $1000 game I told her the next time we played I didnt want to split anymore
she got such a attitude saying she had bills to pay and half in tears--well if your that short of money maybe you shouldnt be playing bingo to help pay bills

so the next time we played I happened to win again--and when I called bingo all she said was you scared me

it didnt hurt our friendship after the shock that I had won again--but the casino still doenst have bingo yet/if but theres a VFW that has it she always has to ask though if I want to split

 

[bcla]

It was a government job so we weren’t permitted to have anyone else pay for it and even with the high cost city rates, we used 100% on meals. We also weren’t allowed to expense alcohol.

I have never expensed alcohol myself. I've seen alcohol at milestone events in the office, and I've personally gone back to work with an alcohol buzz. I do recall once or twice we went out to a local restaurant and the CEO of our small company picked up the tab as an employee incentive expense, where most of the tab was for alcohol.

I've been to company parties where alcohol was provided.

What I did learn at one company was that expensing meals wasn't worth it when we were allowed a daily per diem without providing receipts. This was back in the late 90s, and I think I could get $50 per day when I'd just get something cheap.

 

[prairie_girl]

I've never heard of one like the PP described. In my experience any showers or milestone celebrations for office people are just cake in the boardroom. Somebody makes it or it comes out of petty cash. I've not heard of people going out for lunch. I guess then unless the company had a policy to pay for it, everybody would go dutch or split it and chip in for the person being feted.

I can appreciate though that she mentioned it was the 90's - things were different then. My current company, where I've worked for 15 years has never had a "go out for lunch" culture. Honestly, nobody does it, at least not with coworkers. Most of us eat at our desks and work through, a few go for a walk or to a nearby gym. It's not even a thing anymore for vendors to invite us out and that's even in pre-Covid times.

Yep, you nailed it.

 

[Kennywood]

For a VERY brief time, when my older brother was little, he suddenly stopped eating his supper. It wasn't that our mom was serving food he didn't like. He simply wasn't hungry. After a few evenings of this, our mom really started to get worried and considered taking him to the doctor.

One afternoon, our mom was talking with the neighbor ladies and mentioned my brother's "problem". Then she found out that my brother had been going to the neighbors' houses shortly before supper and they would feed him!

Our mom put a quick stop that that and suddenly my brother was hungry at suppertime! Lol

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You go to baby showers and have to pay for your own food?

I agree with mom2rtk about work ones. I think it depends on the work environment and the norm. My husband's company I could totally see going out to lunch or a dinner for the few women that work there. Happy hours for all employees are incredibly common. And if they go out especially during work hours it's probably more expected the employee pays their way or they are free to decline going (if it's a project outing the boss for the project often picks up the tab or expenses it to the company though not always). But that doesn't mean that's always the case, if there's a budget for such milestone events makes more sense for the company to pick up the tab. Now for a work-related shower at the office location I could totally see potluck.

Of course, here, they are at someone’s home and everyone usually brings a dish to contribute.

Isn't this though the same thing as going to baby showers and paying for your own food? You are in a nutshell providing your own food and assumedly there are guests there who have had to purchase items (or entire parts of a meal) for such an event.

I've never been to a shower where I the guest am expected to bring food, a gift? yes but not my own food. The host provides all the food otherwise they wouldn't host. If it's not at a person's home the host still provides all the food. Work related showers excluded.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

We used to have a guy a work that would never order lunch but would sit with us for lunch and pick fries etc off of other people's plates. We just told him after a few months of this to just NOT come and sit with us for lunch unless he had his own food. He was actually pissed and said he didn't make enough money to buy his own lunch. OK so bring lunch dope, it's not your co-workers responsibility to feed you.

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm finding all this discussion of workplace check-splitting kind of surreal. I suspect that after the pandemic, there will be whole professions where this is never ever an issue.

I actually have to make a decision by tomorrow as to whether I will attend an in-person conference this fall. The organizers are being very careful, and every single meeting will take place in a full-sized ballroom, but I'm still not sure if I'm going to go. I could certainly use the change of scene, but the logistics of attending are proving much more complicated than in the past.

FWIW, for birthdays, goodbye lunches, baby and wedding showers and the like, most places I've worked have been either the "meet up mid-afternoon in a conference room for cake" event, in which case a collection would have been taken up in advance to pay for the cake/coffee/card, or the lunch-out variety, where everyone BUT the honoree paid for their own lunch, and we all chipped in to pay for the honoree. However, I haven't been part of a multi-person department in 15 years, so I don't get invited to those anymore. Where I am now, the company pays for retirement events, which are actually the cake-in-a-conference room variety, except that they have wine/fruit/cheese as well as the cake and coffee.

 

[prairie_girl]

I agree with mom2rtk about work ones. I think it depends on the work environment and the norm. My husband's company I could totally see going out to lunch or a dinner for the few women that work there. Happy hours for all employees are incredibly common. And if they go out especially during work hours it's probably more expected the employee pays their way or they are free to decline going (if it's a project outing the boss for the project often picks up the tab or expenses it to the company though not always). But that doesn't mean that's always the case, if there's a budget for such milestone events makes more sense for the company to pick up the tab. Now for a work-related shower at the office location I could totally see potluck.
Isn't this though the same thing as going to baby showers and paying for your own food? You are in a nutshell providing your own food and assumedly there are guests there who have had to purchase items (or entire parts of a meal) for such an event.

I've never been to a shower where I the guest am expected to bring food, a gift? yes but not my own food. The host provides all the food otherwise they wouldn't host. If it's not at a person's home the host still provides all the food. Work related showers excluded.

Lunch out is going to cost you $15-20 easy. No one is paying that much to bring a snack to a party. Maybe $8 for frozen sausage rolls or something. The host does provide most of the food but may ask for additional food to supplement.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Lunch out is going to cost you $15-20 easy. No one is paying that much to bring a snack to a party. Maybe $8 for frozen sausage rolls or something. The host does provide most of the food but may ask for additional food to supplement.

High, low, middle ground cost doesn't matter. You the guest are being expected to contribute (aside from a gift). I'm not knocking the practice it's whatever an area (be it regional, social circle or environment) does but if you're telling me guests bring items whatever the cost may be for those items and that's the norm in your area (as you said it's often potluck) seems the same exact thing as one paying for their own food which you seem to think was for the other poster. I think the situations are really one in the same IMO. FWIW I don't often discuss how much something cost when I bring potluck. My mom spends quite a lot more than people think for her batch of 36 cookies in supplies but she's not going to just tell people "oh I spent X on this". I guess my point being it could easily be $15-$20 for those potlucks you just may not be privy to that information.