Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[BroadwayHermione5]

I just want to say I didn't mean that you should confront them in my initial comment. If anyone took it to mean that way that was not my intention.

 

[crazymomof4]

Finances are a big thing. I have been "frugal" all my adult life. My wife had no awareness of the value of money. She got an inheritance of 110K from her father and went through that plus 30K in credit card debt in a little over 2 years. Honestly, if she had $1000. in that bank as far as she was concerned it was $100K. No concept at all. I finally cut off her connection to my money and she left shortly after because I was to "controlling". Right! Within 3 years she was flat broke and living on welfare.

When I got engaged (1984) my grandmom was giving me some sage advice. I never forgot the exact words she said. (she was from "the old country") "The man can bring the money in the front door by the bushel full, but it won't be enough if the wife carries it out the back door by the wheelbarrow full". (In today's dual-income society, it sounds sexist, but you have to put it in the context of her life, being born in 1920)

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

On the way home I thought..... THEY are the cheap ones! Trying to get us to chip in for their multiple drinks and appetizers!!

The interesting thing is if you look back at threads on the DIS there are people who are aghast that you would have an issue with that. I def. remember comments on multiple threads when it came to splitting checks and there were people who were on the "split evenly" camp regardless of the cost, regardless of what they themselves ordered. They tended to make the comments out like those who did care (either because of the cost or because they weren't the ones ordering the drinks or apps, etc) were hmm not necessarily cheap but just that in their social circle or how their area does it (you know the DIS regional thing) that's just what you do as in for them you go out with a group of friends and you just split the checks all evenly/give person cash for their share even if it's a lot different than what they actually ordered in cost.

Interesting to see responses and how they are different when it comes to a perception of the type of people.

 

[ronandannette]

The interesting thing is if you look back at threads on the DIS there are people who are aghast that you would have an issue with that. I def. remember comments on multiple threads when it came to splitting checks and there were people who were on the "split evenly" camp regardless of the cost, regardless of what they themselves ordered. They tended to make the comments out like those who did care (either because of the cost or because they weren't the ones ordering the drinks or apps, etc) were hmm not necessarily cheap but just that in their social circle or how their area does it (you know the DIS regional thing) that's just what you do as in for them you go out with a group of friends and you just split the checks all evenly/give person cash for their share even if it's a lot different than what they actually ordered in cost.

Interesting to see responses and how they are different when it comes to a perception of the type of people.

Yes, I remember many of those discussions and it’s “regional” to split evenly, apparently. Even so, I doubt anyone who gets stuck on the wrong end of the equation repeatedly likes it very much. Our habit, with people we routinely spend time with, is to each take turns paying the entire bill. Whoever invited, pays. It works well, especially whe it’s just two couples. It’s similar with entertaining in our homes. The host provides everything - no need to fuss about the macaroni salad being too skimpy. And we’ve got some great cooks in our circle - it’s a compliment if someone wants to take the leftovers home.

 

[AndreaDM]

If I'm reading correctly, what bothers the OP most isn't that the friends don't want to spend any money, but it's the comments and digs about anyone who IS spending money. We go out with groups of friends all the time, we all just get separate checks per couple, and I don't notice nor give a rat's behind what anyone else orders. However, if someone is throwing shade at me for ordering an app or a pricey bottle of wine THAT I'M PAYING FOR, that's an issue!

My sister and her husband are not exactly frugal, she'll spend all kinds of money on her hair, nails, clothes, etc. But, then expects friends/family to drive them to the airport 1-2 hours away and pick them up so they won't have to pay for parking. That just blows my mind. Our brother lives in CO, we are in Ohio, so when we go to visit we rent a car because they live almost 2 hours from Denver (plus we like to have options) and make sure to take them to dinner at least once. My sister's family gets picked up and dropped off AND lets my brother pay when they go out, even though they are providing free lodging.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If I'm reading correctly, what bothers the OP most isn't that the friends don't want to spend any money, but it's the comments and digs about anyone who IS spending money.

It seems to be both. The couple in question certainly makes comments and digs....but so does the OP just on how much (well really how little in their minds) they pay for others things (like rides to places, warehouse membership utilization from other people, trips to the airport, what the couple brings to bbqs, etc) or what they order (sharing a hot dog meal)

This seems to be a two-way street here. More lopsided of course but it's not like the OP isn't making judgment calls on what the couple does or doesn't spend their money on (though maybe they aren't actually telling the couple how they really feel whereas this couple is more in your face about the comments).

It's just clear that the couple in question have a personality habit of expecting others to do things that they could do themselves or they would simply have to do without if they couldn't actually afford it and the OP would be well within their rights to drop the association in favor of a more equitable friendship.

 

[lorimay]

This wasn't a couple but a girl I worked with in a bank.
We were 6 girls in an office and went to dinner maybe once a month together.
This one girl would come but just order a coffee and not eat then throw a dollar on the table for her coffee. That was fine what ever, no one expected her to pay for anything more, it was just strange.
BUT, I mean but, if it was a party paid for by someone she ordered the works, appetizer, dinner & dessert. She would take a few bites of each then pack it up to go home for her husband and kid.
If we had an evening training or something the company would bring in food, her butt would be first in line every time and she would make a huge plate full, I mean huge. She once took about 7 or 8 ribs leaving many with out any. She would take a few bites and then pack it up for home.

One time we went for a dinner before Christmas and she had her usual coffee, when the check came one of the women picked up the check and said "Merry Christmas everyone" The look on her face was great. The women purposely didn't say it was her treat before, it was great, we laughed about that for a long time.

 

[Kennywood]

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

 

[ford family]

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

If you believe that then I may have a really nice bridge for sale that might interest you.

ford family

 

[soccerdad72]

One time we went for a dinner before Christmas and she had her usual coffee, when the check came one of the women picked up the check and said "Merry Christmas everyone" The look on her face was great. The women purposely didn't say it was her treat before, it was great, we laughed about that for a long time.

That's awesome!

 

[Frozen Canuck]

It sounds like it is time for the OP and/or their friend group to borrow a page from Captain Awkward's play book and send an "African Violet of Broken Friendship." You can Google it, and her posts about the African violet are the top results, but basically it comes down to how there are established rules or rituals for romantic break-ups, but there isn't really anything for when a friendship has run its course and you want out of the relationship, but the other person doesn't feel the same. That is when the "African Violet of Broken Friendship" comes in, where you send someone a plant and a nice card thanking the person for their friendship, but then acknowledging that it is over and you are going your own way.

For the record, while you could literally do this, I think it is more of a metaphor than anything. The Captain's site gives tons of scripts for talking to friends that you would like to distance yourself from. The initial scenarios aren't necessarily the same as yours, but the scripts to break things off would be the same.

I am of the mind of so many others on here, that these people are taking advantage of you and the rest of your friend group. It sounds like the husband's great sense of humour is no longer able to carry them as their sole contribution to the overall group dynamics, and people seem to have developed (understandingly, IMO) some animosity towards them. If every time you see their number come up on your phone you cringe, or you consider ditching gatherings just to avoid them, then it is time for the friendship to part ways. It isn't of any benefit to your group or them to continue with the charade. While I don't believe that friendships need to be even, they should be equitable. Their side of the equation seems to be lacking in what they bring to the table, so to speak.

 

[TwoMisfits]

THIS!
We went out to dinner with a large group recently. They all ordered back to back adult beverages from the minute we sat down. DH and I had one each. They ordered expensive apps and entrees. I had an entrée and DH had a sandwich. When the check came they wanted to split it by the # of people at the table. DH spoke up and added up what we actually ate/drank + tax + tip and it came to a bit over half of what it would have been if we agreed to their "per person" method! One at the table (the one who had originally suggested splitting evenly) made us feel cheap when DH spoke up. On the way home I thought..... THEY are the cheap ones! Trying to get us to chip in for their multiple drinks and appetizers!!

See, I've never been in that situation b/c we always resolve it up front...it's almost insane to wait until the check to decide if you're doing split checks or even division by person - for the waitstaff, it's got to be annoying to find out at the end folks want to split when they didn't tell you in advance...

For the record, if it's not family, I always advocate split checks from the get go (and tend to be convincing and get my way)...it's just easier, especially when some checks, like mine, now have allergy prep listed (and I always tip more than the norm...but that extra tip specifically comes for my food and stress and not everyone's)...

 

[Kennywood]

If you believe that then I may have a really nice bridge for sale that might interest you.

ford family

It's unfortunate that you believe otherwise. My condolences.....

 

[izzy]

OP, what do the others in your group think? Are they also tired of this husband and wife’s behavior? It’s easy to say let the friendship wither, but if everyone in your group of friends isn’t with you on this, you could lose them as friends, too.

 

[unrequited23]

It is even more frustrating when it is family, not friends, who behave this way. My FIL is convinced that 10% is a generous tip...when ever he picks up the check I have to make sure I'm the last one at the table to sneak in extra money or slip it to the server on the way out.

 

[VandVsmama]

It is even more frustrating when it is family, not friends, who behave this way. My FIL is convinced that 10% is a generous tip...when ever he picks up the check I have to make sure I'm the last one at the table to sneak in extra money or slip it to the server on the way out.

DH's uncle is notoriously cheap. So cheap, in fact, that one time before I met DH, he (DH) was at McDonald's with his immediate family, Uncle, & Aunt, and DH's grandmother. Grandma was paying for everybody's lunch. DH ordered a medium soda instead of a small (this was back when there were different prices for small, medium, large) and Uncle flipped out over the $0.10 price difference...called DH selfish, greedy, trying to take advantage of Grandma. DH then took out a dime and stuck it on the table in front of Uncle and said, "There. You happy now? There's your dime. Since the 10 cents is SO important!"

 

[izzy]

It is even more frustrating when it is family, not friends, who behave this way. My FIL is convinced that 10% is a generous tip...when ever he picks up the check I have to make sure I'm the last one at the table to sneak in extra money or slip it to the server on the way out.

I have a brother like that about tipping. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to throw extra money on the table to cover his cheapness. Does your FIL also figure out the tip pre-tax? I always laugh when my brother does that.

 

[Princessclab]

It is even more frustrating when it is family, not friends, who behave this way. My FIL is convinced that 10% is a generous tip...when ever he picks up the check I have to make sure I'm the last one at the table to sneak in extra money or slip it to the server on the way out.

We have the same issue in our family! We will either pay for everyone or put in our share of the tab.
When we put in our share and our brother/wife end up putting it together for payment, my SIL assertively will say to only tip a certain amount etc., always low end. The rest of us usually say to her that it is not her place to tell us how to spend our money or something like that. This has been going on since they have been together (20 years); she ends up a bit embarrassed but always does it. Not sure why she is so adamant on that issue. My brother goes along with her I am sure to just keep the peace.
That said she is a dentist and he is an airline pilot so no money issues there but they are not generous people at all unless they can get something out of it, seemingly. JMHO - LOL
There have been times that I and my other sibs have asked to seen the tab so we can see how much they tipped and add accordingly.

We are disappointed that our brother has turned out like that as we were raised to be generous people even though we grew up in a not wealthy household; always willing to share with others whatever we had.

 

[Princessclab]

I have a brother like that about tipping. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to throw extra money on the table to cover his cheapness. Does your FIL also figure out the tip pre-tax? I always laugh when my brother does that.

OMG yes! That is what my SIL says every time we go out to eat, she will also say to lower the tip because she did not think the service was good...sheesh!
Again we just ignore her embarrassing rudeness.
Our cross to bear.....LOL.

 

[mrodgers]

When I got engaged (1984) my grandmom was giving me some sage advice. I never forgot the exact words she said. (she was from "the old country") "The man can bring the money in the front door by the bushel full, but it won't be enough if the wife carries it out the back door by the wheelbarrow full". (In today's dual-income society, it sounds sexist, but you have to put it in the context of her life, being born in 1920)

If you are in a family where Mom stays home for the kids, it's not sexist at all. I got up at 4:30 for work every day and didn't come home until 7:30 at night. Usually I worked 50-60 hours of overtime for the month so we could pay the bills. Meanwhile, Wednesday before payday she's at Walmart "grocery shopping" and when I got home, I'd get, "don't be mad at me, I spent $400 on groceries..." No, she spent $200 on groceries and another $200 in the non-grocery areas, every 2 weeks.

Indeed, it wasn't bushels full of money I brought in the front door, but she was shoveling it out the back door as fast as she could. Led me to waiting too long for divorce "for the kids" putting me in the situation of I'll be looking at a 30 year mortgage at retirement age and will be retiring in my final resting home in the ground.