Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[Heigh-Ho]

We have friends a little like that, except that there is a significant difference in our incomes. Great people, but a little on the cheap side.

For example, one time we had some DVC points to burn so we made an OKW trip during Christmas break. They would not go to Disney parks because of the cost, only Universal. And the stayed only one night with us in a 2 BR because of food and activity costs (they were paying $0 for lodging). Needless to say, we haven't considered taking any more trips with them.

When we go to dinner together, we have them pick the restaurant so we won't be out of their price range. We always order at least one appetizer for the table, usually two. They split their entre.

Still, they are great people and some of our best friends so we just smile and move on. The friendship is worth much more than a few minor annoyances.

If they wanted to go to Universal on their time I don't see why that was something you would care about. Just because lodging was being provided for doesn't mean they have to spend more than they want to or can. It sounds like maybe them staying with you at OKW allowed them to take a trip that they may not have been able to take otherwise. Please don't think I'm rude but if staying with you comes with strings attached and expectations of what I spend my money on I think I would decline future trips with you

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I agree with many others author of the thread it's time to step back and distance yourself with this couple.

It doesn't have to seem like it's all their fault, I think some may just be different personalities.

However, they do seem like they expect more than they are willing to give. That doesn't mean money (although I agree there are examples given where they should have been able to chip in or make it clear they can't/won't before the activity was started), that means appreciation, time commitments and being generous in other ways that comes with a friendship. Seems this friendship has been one-sided for too long.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I am surprised that they still have friends or get invited to anything

I agree!! Is there a reason author of the thread that they are welcomed (I use that loosely) to so many different functions knowing how they are? Is there something your group (speaking to the author of the thread here) gets out of this?

though it sounds like a mental health issue

I don't think it's this. Otherwise too many of the population would fall under this!

 

[HeatherC]

LOL. My wife says people think I am the life of the party. But I do pay my own way, and I do tend to buy the least expensive entree on the menu.'
My boss.....who knows exactly home much I was making.....and is only 8 years younger than me.....wanted to know how I could afford to retire at 64. Let's see. You keep cars 3 years, and have never had a car paid off. Me, I kept my family car 31 years and it was paid for for 28 of those years. Did cost me $10,000 in repairs over 31 years, which is almost exactly what my boss has spent in the last 10 years JUST on sales tax on new cars.

But that doesn’t make him wrong. He chooses how to spend his money and you choose how to spend yours.

 

[KayMichigan]

Yup, they aren't cheap or frugal, they're moochers. And they'll keep doing it as long as everybody allows it.

Remember the saying "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission".

If they're confronted, expect them to say "Nobody said anything, we always thought it was just fine!"

 

[goofyernmost]

Finances are a big thing. I have been "frugal" all my adult life. My wife had no awareness of the value of money. She got an inheritance of 110K from her father and went through that plus 30K in credit card debt in a little over 2 years. Honestly, if she had $1000. in that bank as far as she was concerned it was $100K. No concept at all. I finally cut off her connection to my money and she left shortly after because I was to "controlling". Right! Within 3 years she was flat broke and living on welfare.

Somewhat because of that experience I became more cautious of what I spent and now live comfortable in senior apartments which are nice but will never get a visit from better homes and gardens, drive a comfortable, but sporty VW Jetta R-line and am quietly enjoying my retirement.

Slight confession, I don't watch a lot of TV, but when I do I see pictures of things for sale that I would have loved to have had but did not spend, get in debt or even now go after. One thing that I could now do, if I decided to was a room in the WDW Contemporary Resort. I wanted to do that when I first set eyes on it. I could, but I won't. I no longer see it as something that is worth the expense. I guess I should have gone when the room rates were around $50 per night. At that time offsite hotels were about $25 per night so I went with that.

 

[Boopuff]

My SIL is a cheap cheap cheap person. Every year she’s comes to visit and stays at our house. Eats our food, expects us to take her out ( throws $10 on the table for her portion of dinner) Never lifts a finger to help clean up after meals, and expects us to entertain her the entire time she's here. (I live in Colorado - figure out what you want to do/see and we'll point the way!) Now after years of this boloney we just halted it all. Fine stay with us. But gee we're busy. You'll need to rent a car. And if we go out for a meal (they never ever cover one meal when they stay with us - cardinal sin in my book) DH jumps right in an insists we split the check. (she doesn't like that one!) Whenever we stay with them, I always buy groceries for a few meals, lots of booze and at minimum take them out for a meal. I guess I'm just peeved that they don't reciprocate at all. Now her adult kids think we're the vacation home they never had. Now I just tell all of them, fine stay here, rent a car, and don't expect meals. Ug. I love family but moving to a "vacation mecca" draws them in like flies...

 

[BayouQueen]

We used to do soccer team parent family dinners. There were some real high rollers on that team. One time, we were at Morton's and they're all ordering all kinds of apps and sides to share, and bottles of wine, with the assumption we'll all split the bill in the end. Well, we did do that, but the classiest guy at the table, who I knew didn't make a lot of money, said to the waiter, "'l'll have the shish kebab," which of course was a complete meal on a plate. Not another word, and that's what he threw down for at the end of the meal.
Moral of the story...walk your walk. You don't need to talk about it.

I'd drop your friends, OP. They sound very tedious.

 

[FQLover]

OP--life is short. Drop your friends. This wasn't one or two lone occasions. This is accumulated bad behavior covering much more than frugality. They are takers and kill all the joy. Let them go. If they ask, I would be very truthful and tell them.

 

[OhioWDWDuo]

We used the “drift apart” method for a couple we used to be friends with. We were friends with the wife first, before she got married. She was frugal but nothing extreme. Once married, the situation became so strange. We would go out to restaurants with them and they would order water and no food. Then they would expect to eat off our plates. For a potluck party once at another friend’s house, we found out that they went dumpster diving for the food that they brought. They would also make nasty and derogatory comments about us wasting money and being financially irresponsible. It just became so uncomfortable that everyone stopped inviting them and they didn’t ask why…just grew apart. We did try talking to the wife separately since we were friends with her first (and wanted to make sure she was okay), but she was definitely a willing participant. They eventually moved away and lost touch. Oh and they made just as much money as the other couples in our group. OP- I feel your pain on this but the drift apart method worked for us.

 

[RamblingMad]

It depends where you two are at financially to one another. People usually don't open up about these things.

There are a couple of possibilities. First, they're trying to FIRE (financial independence retire early), so they're aggressively saving. Second, they're heavily in debt and trying to dig themselves back out. Third, they grew up very frugal, so it's an innate behavior. It's most likely one of the three.

I think, figuring out which of the ones above is the reason will help you understand their motivations.

What will happen over time is that if they're in the FIRE camp then their spending will eventually grow once they reach Coast FI. I can coast right now, but then if I start spending normally, all of my friends will end up looking really cheap in comparison. It's all relative. My frugal now is their norm, which is weird because it wasn't always that way, so I'll continue to aggressively save, spend my new frugal, and my friends won't feel like they're being cheap.

Let's take a normal spend for me. I can afford to buy Waygu steak now for $200 and not bat an eye, but I'm not going to do that to make my friends feel cheap. I'm going to go to where they can afford without giving them any hint that I can afford that lifestyle.

 

[evilmommie]

No way would my husband and I put up with that. Life is too short. We'd fade into the background and they wouldn't be on our invite list. We just recently had to remove a couple from our circle of friends (for horrible, stalking type reasons) and it's been the best decision ever. NO DRAMA!

 

[mrodgers]

Odd thing about that is even using paper plates as a frugal person. They are such a waste of money.

Time is money, I despise doing dishes so I use paper plates, LOL.

I don't reuse them, that's weird. I however do carry egg and sausage in a baggie and an english muffin in another baggie to work, cook them, throw the bag from the egg and sausage away and toss the muffin baggie back in my lunch bag for tomorrows muffin.

 

[mrodgers]

Years ago we had friends we socialized with, it was the wife only though, she was so frugal, she would not order food and pick off her husbands plate. He would tell her to order dinner, he hated she did this.
But she was this way with everything, she would not spend money on anything "fun".
They both had very good careers, as in their mortgage was paid off by the time they were in their 30's.
A few years into the marriage, he found a girl that was happy to spend his money and he left his wife and went with the other one, she spent him into a hole big time.....

 

[mrodgers]

Finances are a big thing. I have been "frugal" all my adult life. My wife had no awareness of the value of money. She got an inheritance of 110K from her father and went through that plus 30K in credit card debt in a little over 2 years. Honestly, if she had $1000. in that bank as far as she was concerned it was $100K. No concept at all. I finally cut off her connection to my money and she left shortly after because I was to "controlling". Right! Within 3 years she was flat broke and living on welfare.

Yup, lived that life almost word for word, except for the inheritance. Instead, I learned she took her cut of the 401k and it was spent the first year.

Somewhat because of that experience I became more cautious of what I spent and now live comfortable in senior apartments which are nice but will never get a visit from better homes and gardens, drive a comfortable, but sporty VW Jetta R-line and am quietly enjoying my retirement.

To be honest, buying a premium trim of a car that is merely ascetics isn't exactly frugal That said, I'm in the market of a VW Tiguan possibly and boy I like the looks of the R-line. I just wish they didn't detune it for MPG and wish they put the DSG in the Tiguan. I wouldn't pay for the R-line markup, but it does look good.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Whenever we stay with them, I always buy groceries for a few meals, lots of booze and at minimum take them out for a meal. I guess I'm just peeved that they don't reciprocate at all. Now her adult kids think we're the vacation home they never had. Now I just tell all of them, fine stay here, rent a car, and don't expect meals. Ug. I love family but moving to a "vacation mecca" draws them in like flies...

That's what bothers me the most. The lack of reciprocation. People that are comfortable taking and taking, but give very little effort to give back just a little. That is when you know you are being used.

 

[crazymomof4]

Being frugal is different than saving money at the expense of others. I'm frugal, but I don't save money by using my friends to fund my lifestyle. The OP's case above isn't being frugal, it's being Narcistic and Cheap.

THIS!
We went out to dinner with a large group recently. They all ordered back to back adult beverages from the minute we sat down. DH and I had one each. They ordered expensive apps and entrees. I had an entrée and DH had a sandwich. When the check came they wanted to split it by the # of people at the table. DH spoke up and added up what we actually ate/drank + tax + tip and it came to a bit over half of what it would have been if we agreed to their "per person" method! One at the table (the one who had originally suggested splitting evenly) made us feel cheap when DH spoke up. On the way home I thought..... THEY are the cheap ones! Trying to get us to chip in for their multiple drinks and appetizers!!

 

[Pink Partridge]

We used to do soccer team parent family dinners. There were some real high rollers on that team. One time, we were at Morton's and they're all ordering all kinds of apps and sides to share, and bottles of wine, with the assumption we'll all split the bill in the end. Well, we did do that, but the classiest guy at the table, who I knew didn't make a lot of money, said to the waiter, "'l'll have the shish kebab," which of course was a complete meal on a plate. Not another word, and that's what he threw down for at the end of the meal.
Moral of the story...walk your walk. You don't need to talk about it.

I'd drop your friends, OP. They sound very tedious.

Now that's a whole other ball of wax. I do hate when people drive up a $500 bar bill and you have one drink, and then they expect you to help pay for their alcohol.

We went out once to a nice place and the couple we were with ordered a very expensive bottle of wine. Didn't ask what we preferred or liked, just ordered. We assumed it was for themselves and ordered one martini each. And that is all we drank. They did offer us a glass of wine, we declined. When the bill came, the wine ordering husband abruptly told the waitress "two checks split evenly". Wow.

It was a co-worker of DH's, so we didn't fuss. But we were bitter. And, of course, never went out with them again. But I have learned not to keep my mouth shut in those types of situations anymore.

 

[Boopuff]

THIS!
We went out to dinner with a large group recently. They all ordered back to back adult beverages from the minute we sat down. DH and I had one each. They ordered expensive apps and entrees. I had an entrée and DH had a sandwich. When the check came they wanted to split it by the # of people at the table. DH spoke up and added up what we actually ate/drank + tax + tip and it came to a bit over half of what it would have been if we agreed to their "per person" method! One at the table (the one who had originally suggested splitting evenly) made us feel cheap when DH spoke up. On the way home I thought..... THEY are the cheap ones! Trying to get us to chip in for their multiple drinks and appetizers!!

This!! We went out with a group from DH's work. Well some people really went nuts ordering bottles of wine, tons of apps. We just ordered one drink each and main course. The check came, and a few people were very vocal about not paying for the bottles purchased since non of us drank any. We and several others, just put our money (for our portion) on the table and left. Let the bottle people duke it out.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

I have a former friend a lot like that. Some examples of her frugality:

• She felt that since I lived closest to the office that we worked at that I should always drive if we went out to lunch. I started declining lunch invites because of it. I did not mind taking a turn driving. but not every single time. Other friends jumped in and agreed with me that it was not fair to put all driving on me. I can't help it that I live close and that you chose to buy a place that was 45 minutes (on the tollroad with light traffic or a lot longer on the freeways in rush hour) and that I live 1.5 miles from the office.
• After she bought the house, she was going to throw herself a house warming party expecting gifts. I did have something in mind to buy her, but she found something and was trying to force me to buy it while we were out shopping. I probably would have gone back to buy it to add to what I had in mind but I got mad at her for her trying to force me. My money, my choice. And even if I bought it now, she would not have gotten it until the party and she thought I should give it right that second.
• Another friend, she mentioned she did not have a blender. So said friend said she would get her a blender and asked if she had any in mind. She asked what her budget was and would then pick one. She never got the blender.
• Same other friend and her were going out to lunch and were in a super minor fender bender (rear ended). That friend was driving and had a pick up truck. No damage at all to that friend's truck. The frugal one got out and started taking pictures of everything at the scene and said to friend later how much do you think we can get? And then filed for a long list of medical injuries from it that hit the other friend's insurance. I mean this list had things that made you wonder how she was able to even get out of bed and how she was not hospitalized. That was the end of their friendship.
• Oh and another with the other friend... She was the admin for the highest leader in our department. Frugal one asked this friend to see if she could be set up with the leader's son (who was probably at least 15 years younger than her) because he was Jewish and had a father who made good money.

In my case, she got mad at me over the stupid gift and then got all mad that I became friends with a new girl at work (FYI - my BFF now). I found out later from others that she pulled some of this crap with them and many did not like her at all. No one was sad to see her go when she was let go from the company.

One of the issues I had with my former best friend was I always drove. Because my local movies you didn't have to pay to park, I would drive her back and forth. I would be the one who picked her up for everything. My car was being run into the ground and my wallet too because of gas.