Dealing with Family

[Becky2005]

Also, you have said you have made your hopes known, does that mean you specifically have told them that you want help cleaning up? sometimes people have to have someone look them in the eye and have them say what they want the other person to do. I am pretty mouthy so I would have no trouble saying hey, sally, can you pick up the glasses? bob can you start getting the plates?

I would PREFER that! I usually don't help because I learned a lot time ago, that with kitchens...some people are rather particular how they like their stuff done, including dishes! So 1/2 the time you are asking "where do you want this?" and causing more work. My mother will basically throw you out of the kitchen and so...we all stay out of her way. She has a super small kitchen now, basically the younger boys eat in the kitchen with my mom (although this year they kicked my oldest boy out of there too because his legs were too long...he was bummed he wasn't in with the boys for their Pokemon conversations). The rooms are connected but really not much room.

In addition, I have been in the situation where there are about 20 people crammed into a tiny kitchen all looking at each other trying to figure out what to do to help but not knowing the kitchen layout or where the host planned to put things, we are basically just standing there being in the way vs. being helpful.

Now...if someone would to say "Becky, can you grab those plates and put them over XYZ" -- sure no problem but until you ask I'm going to assume you have it under control based on past family experiences.

I do the same thing when I host....I don't necessarily even do the dishes until everyone leaves, I just pick them up, pile them in the sink & deal with them once everyone is gone vs. attempting to wash dishes while guests are here. I might throw them in the dishwasher & I might not.

 

[jdb in AZ]

We hosted yesterday and my feet are still complaining, but I guess it was worth it. I didn't HAVE to haul out the heirloom china, crystal, and sterling, but the grand kids were impressed. They're used to paper towels instead of linen tablecloths/napkins.

My 16-year-old grand daughter was so very helpful -- kept asking what she could do to help out. Her 14-yr-old bro tried to slack off from most of the stuff I asked him to do, but that's just their differences in personality. They both enjoyed using the cheese plane on the white-chocolate-bar to make chocolate curls for the top of the cake. Yes, it was an elaborate recipe but it was also a fun bonding time, and I don't get enough of those.

Their dad did help another guest load the dishwasher, but I had to hand-wash the goblets and sterling by hand. Again, my fault for going for the elaborate instead of the simple.

Our DD and her baby are in town from Virginia for a week, so we'll be hosting next Sunday as well. I will definitely simplify the menu, but it isn't Easter, so it can/will be low-key.

 

[shortbun]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

Whatever floats your boat. So, if I invite you for a holiday meal, you are gonna leave your plate on the table and leave your drink glass somewhere else in my house for me to clean up? You're not invited, lol! My family-both sides-makes sure the table is cleared and food is put away for the cook. Someone also helps with the desserts-serving them-and my neices are in charge of filling the water glasses and putting the food on the table. I always serve the coffee because I want some. The guys are in charge of drinks, coats, kids and staying out of the way unless they're cooking.

 

[hereyago]

I would PREFER that! I usually don't help because I learned a lot time ago, that with kitchens...some people are rather particular how they like their stuff done, including dishes! So 1/2 the time you are asking "where do you want this?" and causing more work. My mother will basically throw you out of the kitchen and so...we all stay out of her way. She

lol. I can't stand for anyone to be in the kitchen while I am cooking. Now if I am showing DD13 how to make something, that is different, but i have no problem having people in the kitchen helping clean-while I go take a little break lol.

 

[minniecarousel]

Makes me appreciate my family even more!!

When my husband and I moved out of our large home and into this smaller home, we still wanted a large enough dining room & family room to accomadate my family for holidays. Everyone knows the drill: you bring a dish or help me pay for the stuff I buy. Works for us. Everyone busses their own plates. (we use throw-aways even for Thanksgiving). They know we're happy to host and they don't abuse our generosity (anytime someone else wants to host, all they have to do is speak up! We're just so centrally located, so it works for everyone.)

 

[goofyintoronto]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

precisely! I totally agree.

This. I just always considered it part of hosting a get together. Some people offer to help - some never offer, but the responsibility is on me. Personally, I go into every situation with no expectations from anyone else, therefore I am always pleasantly surprised. OP, it sounds like you went into the get together with some expectations. Did you inform the others when inviting them that you expected them to help with preparations or clean up??? If that's what you needed, you should have let them know instead of expecting them to read your mind.

this!!!

Whatever floats your boat. So, if I invite you for a holiday meal, you are gonna leave your plate on the table and leave your drink glass somewhere else in my house for me to clean up? You're not invited, lol! My family-both sides-makes sure the table is cleared and food is put away for the cook. Someone also helps with the desserts-serving them-and my neices are in charge of filling the water glasses and putting the food on the table. I always serve the coffee because I want some. The guys are in charge of drinks, coats, kids and staying out of the way unless they're cooking.

No offense but it doesnt sound like you enjoy hosting parties. Lol!! If you have these expectations every time you host then you might constantly be disappointed in the end. I dont think its fair to your guests if you expect all of them to help out everytime theyre invited.

Nothing wrong with your attitude, but I personally wouldnt have any problems picking up the guests dishes, flatwear, the stray glasses around the house, the whole nine yards. They are guests. I host cause i want to. I like to treat my guests. I want them to leave my place thinking "what a great dinner, what a great host", not "wow she really put us to work".


My sis constantly complains about who didnt help out in the end, etc etc. I told her to stop hosting if she's gonna constantly complain. I always help her out with dishes but when she's at my place she sits like a queen. Go figure. Lol!

 

[Andtototoo]

Did you ask them to help you? People are not mind-readers. While you can believe that they should have known to help out, you do not know if they knew they should have and chose not to help out because they are lazy bums or if they didn't know you wanted the help.

If they did know you wanted the help and chose to be lazy bums, then that would be the last time you should host them. If they did not know, I'd try one more time, making my expectations clear and then see what happened.

I will say that I've become loathe to jump up and offer help because more times than not, I've felt lucky to come away with my paw still intact because the bear guarding the kitchen nearly snapped it off for merely offering or for doing something "wrong". I've also had people get highly offended that I even offered, that somehow I was impugning their hosting abilities by assuming they'd appreciate my help. Not saying you are that way, OP, but I know I offer to help a lot less than I used to because years of experience has told me to keep my hands and my offers of help to myself. Gracious hosting does not end with putting the meal on the table.

 

[skater]

While a lot of my guests will naturally help clean up, I never expect it.

I'm not sure what happened in your situation, but as a kid I remember all the men would disappear after dinner to watch a game or do whatever. I was a big sports fanatic at the time and would do that too. However, someone would always come and ask ME (none of the men) to help clean up. That's was quite infuriating. I'm no hyper feminist, but that was just wrong for me!

ITA. I'm blessed with a husband who shares in all the responsibilities, and I'm teaching my sons to help as well.

 

[skater]

Did you ask them to help you? People are not mind-readers. While you can believe that they should have known to help out, you do not know if they knew they should have and chose not to help out because they are lazy bums or if they didn't know you wanted the help.

If they did know you wanted the help and chose to be lazy bums, then that would be the last time you should host them. If they did not know, I'd try one more time, making my expectations clear and then see what happened.

I will say that I've become loathe to jump up and offer help because more times than not, I've felt lucky to come away with my paw still intact because the bear guarding the kitchen nearly snapped it off for merely offering or for doing something "wrong". I've also had people get highly offended that I even offered, that somehow I was impugning their hosting abilities by assuming they'd appreciate my help. Not saying you are that way, OP, but I know I offer to help a lot less than I used to because years of experience has told me to keep my hands and my offers of help to myself. Gracious hosting does not end with putting the meal on the table.

This time I didn't ask them to help. I was too tired and a little emotional, so I didn't feel like going through it. After the other issue, it just didn't seem worth it. I've asked for help before and the response was a little resentful. I think my family might be a little l***zy! I feel guilty even writing it . But I love them, and will host them no matter what.

I'm definitely in a better place today, and will do things differently next time. I will also ask for help if I need it - because you're right. The direct approach is usually the best method.

 

[skater]

And just one other thought--if your family feels comfortable enough at your home to lie down on the couch, they should feel comfortable to help clean up a little, IMHO.

I think that's where I was coming from. If I'm hosting a party for friends, I don't expect help. Since its close family, I always hope that they care enough about me to want to help. Or to be appreciative of the extra efforts to accommodate them. Or at least to not resent bringing something.

 

[Becky2005]

I will say that I've become loathe to jump up and offer help because more times than not, I've felt lucky to come away with my paw still intact because the bear guarding the kitchen nearly snapped it off for merely offering or for doing something "wrong". I've also had people get highly offended that I even offered, that somehow I was impugning their hosting abilities by assuming they'd appreciate my help. Not saying you are that way, OP, but I know I offer to help a lot less than I used to because years of experience has told me to keep my hands and my offers of help to myself. Gracious hosting does not end with putting the meal on the table.

This is what I was referring to with the unless you ask, I will have no clue you expect me to help & based on the past experiences, I'm going to assume you are just fine. The minute you ask for help, then I wll certainly help you.

Everyone knows the drill

However, somewhere along the way, they must know the drill because someone informed them it was expected correct?

I see where OP has asked for help in the past, so I can see how that would be very frustrating. I probably would still do the "Hey Billy, can you bring me the plates from in there over here to the sink?" but that's the thing about family, you never know the dynamics.

 

[Southernmiss]

I am learning that there is an art to being a gracious host. First rule, keep things simple. Second rule, kindly ask for help when you need it. Third rule, be direct. Fourth rule, relax--if it doesn't go perfect oh well--someone else can step up and host next time (likely won't happen!)

 

[skater]

I am learning that there is an art to being a gracious host. First rule, keep things simple. Second rule, kindly ask for help when you need it. Third rule, be direct. Fourth rule, relax--if it doesn't go perfect oh well--someone else can step up and host next time (likely won't happen!)

Very good common sense. I'll just add - get some sleep the night before .

 

[disykat]

I always help her out with dishes but when she's at my place she sits like a queen. Go figure. Lol!

So someone who comes to your home isn't expected to help, but will be called "sitting like a queen" if she doesn't? I don't quite get your logic.

 

[goofyintoronto]

So someone who comes to your home isn't expected to help, but will be called "sitting like a queen" if she doesn't? I don't quite get your logic.

Only reason i say that is because at her house she expects help yet at others she just sits there. she wants it but doesnt give it back in return. hence the term queen. i personally dont care that i have to do all the work, it just bugs me when she complains about the same thing that other people do at her place that shes doing at my place! get it now???????

 

[disykat]

In my experience, while the host for a holiday meal does shoulder a lot of the work and I think that's part of hosting, meal prep and clean up is part of the meal. We all participate in some way.

There might be help needed moving chairs, setting food on the table, clearing the table, dishes, etc. We all bring food to contribute. Everyone WANTS to contribute. Since there are too many hands, everyone can't always help, but everyone is aware and ready to pitch in when needed - generally even the kids. Yesterday we were at a close friend's house. We brought food. I helped set everything out and cleared the table after dinner. My husband did some dishes. My son took down the extra table and carried it to the garage.

A "party" you were invited to would probably entail more "host" versus "guest," but a holiday or regular family occasion meal means pitching in together. I guess we'd all feel a little offended if we were considered "guests" in the more formal sense.

 

[BroganMc]

We do family gatherings two different ways: holidays and regular gatherings.

For regular Sunday gatherings we usually gather and my and my dad's house (we've lived together since my mom died). It's mid-way between all the houses and makes a common ground for all the grandkids. Usually there is very little planning beforehand as it is a standing invitation on Sundays for my sister. So we stock up on frozen foods for quick meals: pizza, lasagna, meats, etc. My dad also likes to shop the Friday night $5 specials at the grocery store for roast chicken and other entrees. There's never a shortage of food to cook around here. So when we do gather, we just pop something in the oven or heat up the stove and share duties. The people who cook almost never clean. Another crew is brought in to clean. Kids are all trained to bring their dishes into the kitchen, rinse them and load the dishwasher.

If anything, I do find myself picking up empty soda cans left in odd places (bookshelves, fireplace, end table) the next day. I admit that can get annoying. But it annoys me only because I spent so much time training the kids to pick up after themselves, it drives me nuts to see an adult not doing it. But I understand the can was simply forgotten in the excitement of being together.

Our gatherings always go on late, well past 10pm when we and our guests are tired. We enjoy being together so much no one likes to call it quits.

Now when we do holidays, we try to share that as a family so everyone gets a turn to show off their houses and play host. We did Easter at my sister's house yesterday. As hostess she set the menu and her kids did the decorating and cleaning. I and my niece did the Easter egg hunt. My dad cooked a vegetable casserole. My brother brought deviled eggs and flan. After we ate, everyone cleared their own dishes, but my sister loaded her dishwasher.

Christmas is always at my house, but it has been potluck since my mom died. No one thought it fair that my dad and I had to do all the work. So one brother cooks a turkey. Another brings soup and desserts. My sister does side dishes. My SIL does a special cocktail and hors d'oeurves. I bake a thousand cookies and do all the present shopping and decorating (with help from my nieces and nephews who get drafted to help).

In other words, OP as host you get to be in charge, but that means you need to direct people how best to help you. I am physically not able to do a full cleaning after a party so absolutely need the help from family. I have all the brilliant ideas and planning skills instead. I know we enjoy parties so much more when everyone knows what role they play in it.

 

[kirstenb1]

OP, I hear you. I really can't imagine the host or hostess, no matter how picky about their kitchen, not appreciating guests who help bring dinner plates, cups and saucers, and serving dishes over to the sink. The host/hostess can load the dishwasher, do the hand dishes, etc. Just clearing the table, taking out the trash are simple things ANYONE can do.

Anywhere I go, these are the minimum things I try to do so the host/hostess can enjoy the day too.

 

[skater]

OP, I hear you. I really can't imagine the host or hostess, no matter how picky about their kitchen, not appreciating guests who help bring dinner plates, cups and saucers, and serving dishes over to the sink. The host/hostess can load the dishwasher, do the hand dishes, etc. Just clearing the table, taking out the trash are simple things ANYONE can do.

Anywhere I go, these are the minimum things I try to do so the host/hostess can enjoy the day too.

Thank you. I try to help wherever I go too. Sometimes it can be awkward in an unfamiliar house or with a family member who doesn't like you too much (I have one of those too, thanks to divorces on both sides), but there's usually something I can do. Even if its simply carrying my plate to the counter and making sure my kids do too.

I'm glad I posted my story here. Its helped me think about it in the way I normally try to view things. I know that I can't change my family members, but I can change myself. I am working on some ideas for the next gathering .

 

[Janepod]

OP, I hear you. I really can't imagine the host or hostess, no matter how picky about their kitchen, not appreciating guests who help bring dinner plates, cups and saucers, and serving dishes over to the sink. The host/hostess can load the dishwasher, do the hand dishes, etc. Just clearing the table, taking out the trash are simple things ANYONE can do.

Anywhere I go, these are the minimum things I try to do so the host/hostess can enjoy the day too.

(Raising hand.) I HATE when people bring the dinner plates from the dining room to the kitchen. Why? Well, for these dinners I'm generally using the fine, non-dishwasherable china, meaning I'm washing it by hand. When people stack the plates, both sides of the plate get dirty, meaning I have to give both sides of the plate a good cleaning - instead of washing one side and giving the other just a cursory rinse. Come over, hang out, eat til you want to burst, pour some port, set up the Wii - just don't stack my plates!