Dealing with Family

[skater]

Sometimes you just have to get over it. My family came to our house on Easter and I felt so discouraged, I actually crept away for a few minutes and lay down. DH and I went to a lot of trouble to make the day nice for everyone. At the end of a somewhat casual meal, everyone left their plates on the table, crashed on the couch or went outside while DH, DD, my MIL, and I cleaned everything up. I called one family member before the event to ask them to pick something up that I forgot and it was a huge deal - like I was asking too much of them. This was after I stayed up until 1 a.m. and woke up early Sunday to prepare foods that were special accommodations for dietary restrictions.

Today, I'm realizing a few things. I was too tired and brought some of this on myself. I didn't have to go to all the trouble I did. I know how my family is and they're never going to change. I love my family and if I want to see them on holidays, I will either have to accept them or specifically ask them for clean-up help (or just leave everything until the next day).

Also, I learned that next year, I'll try to do a lot more earlier in the week, tone things down a bit, and get more sleep . My family isn't all bad. They may be clueless, but they can also be generous and kind. They're also good to my kids. I think I will enjoy them more at the next holiday if I chill out and accept their "rudeness."

 

[Stitchfans]

As the saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." Gotta love 'em.

 

[DizBelle]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

 

[wishesuponastar]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

it depends who my company is....if it's my sisters or cousins invited, I would think they would really help out and not just go outside or crash on the couch while I am doing everything for the cleanup. I wouldn't expect my aunts to help.

 

[Dancind]

Since my Mom is gone, and my Dad moved away, it falls to me to cook holiday dinners for my two adult brothers, both now divorced. After making a very nice and expensive dinner last Christmas day and having the same experience (plus no appreciation), I am thinking of telling them we are going back to cruising at Christmas like we used to do. Even if we stay here!

At least DH helps. And one brother's girlfriend offered, but I didn't take her up on it.

 

[marmalade]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

This how I feel as well. I hosted dinner yesterday, I did all the planning, prep work, cooking and cleaning and I never once had a negative thought about it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

That'd never fly in my family. I remember washing MANY a plate at my grandmother's house. And nobody's playing cards until the table is clean


As for us, we've gone to paper plates & plastic cups at family get togethers to make much of the cleanup considerably quicker.

 

[DMass]

"You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family."

Unless you adopt.

 

[Acklander]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

This. I just always considered it part of hosting a get together. Some people offer to help - some never offer, but the responsibility is on me. Personally, I go into every situation with no expectations from anyone else, therefore I am always pleasantly surprised. OP, it sounds like you went into the get together with some expectations. Did you inform the others when inviting them that you expected them to help with preparations or clean up??? If that's what you needed, you should have let them know instead of expecting them to read your mind.

 

[skater]

For me, family or not, guests are not expected to help prepare or clean up. If I didn't want to do the work, I wouldn't host.

I guess for me, it also depends on who the guests are. I've taught my kids to be a help and I try to help wherever I go. At the very least, I walk my plate to the counter at the end of the meal! I usually don't mind the work either. As I said, I let myself get too tired. I guess my fantasy for these events (and I host all of them), is that we all work together (at least a little). That way, I get to be part of the fun and not "stuck" in the kitchen. I'm learning to let go of that fantasy though .

 

[skater]

That'd never fly in my family. I remember washing MANY a plate at my grandmother's house. And nobody's playing cards until the table is clean


As for us, we've gone to paper plates & plastic cups at family get togethers to make much of the cleanup considerably quicker.

I've tried holding desert up until things are cleaned up, but they just sit around and wait for me to do it .

 

[skater]

This. I just always considered it part of hosting a get together. Some people offer to help - some never offer, but the responsibility is on me. Personally, I go into every situation with no expectations from anyone else, therefore I am always pleasantly surprised. OP, it sounds like you went into the get together with some expectations. Did you inform the others when inviting them that you expected them to help with preparations or clean up??? If that's what you needed, you should have let them know instead of expecting them to read your mind.

I guess I did have some expectations, but it was foolish considering the history. I have made my hopes known in the past, so they probably know but have made a choice. And really, I don't want much help - maybe bringing a paper plate to the trash or throwing a napkin away.

I have decided to adjust my expectations and maybe make it clear what I feel good about doing and what I won't do - especially for the special dietary issues. If I had more help, I would be happy to do it, but I could avoid feeling taken advantage of if I just cut some things out. Like I said, I will be adjusting my own attitude - because I know they're not going to change.

I think if the incident with my request for a certain person to pick something up for me hadn't went bad, I wouldn't have been upset at all (or not too much ). It felt a little obnoxious to me. But again, I am getting over it today and will deal with it differently in the future.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I can't imagine going to someone's house and NOT helping or offering to help (you do have to tell me no twice before I listen) or even clearing and stacking the plates in the kitchen. Or maybe setting up the dessert plates while the hostess does kitchen work.

Or something. Entertain their kids, perhaps while mom does her own thing.

 

[castleview]

While a lot of my guests will naturally help clean up, I never expect it.

I'm not sure what happened in your situation, but as a kid I remember all the men would disappear after dinner to watch a game or do whatever. I was a big sports fanatic at the time and would do that too. However, someone would always come and ask ME (none of the men) to help clean up. That's was quite infuriating. I'm no hyper feminist, but that was just wrong for me!

 

[hereyago]

I guess I did have some expectations, but it was foolish considering the history. I have made my hopes known in the past, so they probably know but have made a choice. And really, I don't want much help - maybe bringing a paper plate to the trash or throwing a napkin away.

I have decided to adjust my expectations and maybe make it clear what I feel good about doing and what I won't do - especially for the special dietary issues. If I had more help, I would be happy to do it, but I could avoid feeling taken advantage of if I just cut some things out. Like I said, I will be adjusting my own attitude - because I know they're not going to change.

I think the above would be your best bet: you can "expect" all you want, but it doesn't mean you are going to get your expectations met. Or your best bet would meet everyone someplace for dinner. I also agree with Gumbo4X4 with the suggestion of paper plates and plastic cups to help with a easier clean up.

Also, you have said you have made your hopes known, does that mean you specifically have told them that you want help cleaning up? sometimes people have to have someone look them in the eye and have them say what they want the other person to do. I am pretty mouthy so I would have no trouble saying hey, sally, can you pick up the glasses? bob can you start getting the plates?

I haven't cooked a holiday meal in years. DD goes over he df's house for holidays and I get her later in the evening. My mom ;bit the hand that feeds her as she is the reason I don't make a huge dinner, I won't ever buy a all ready made dinner because she will say she wants it then won't it and I don't believe in wasting my time, money or food.

So I will fix her her usual favorite non holiday meal, I am not going to knock myself just to keep being disappointed.

I recall when I was a kid, everyone helped out at my grandmother's house, it was a way for us to show we appreciated her cooking and trying to have a nice holiday with all of us together.

 

[alex9179]

Unless you adopt.

Then, there are those who adopt family!


Regarding children taking their plates to the counter. We taught our kids to do that, but when we visit family they gasp when they walk over with a breakable plate. They do fine at home so I didn't even think about it. My grandmother rushes over, thanking them profusely for helping Sorry Grandma!

OP, you sound like you have a good handle on it. Reduce your workload and expectations. Don't be Axl on The Middle, "I had the lowest of expectations and I'm still disappointed." Makes me laugh every time!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry it wasn't exactly appreciated as the special day you had in mind!!!

You are def. on the right track!!!!
Adjustment to reality...
That usually alleviates a lot of stress!!!

 

[hereyago]

Since my Mom is gone, and my Dad moved away, it falls to me to cook holiday dinners for my two adult brothers, both now divorced. After making a very nice and expensive dinner last Christmas day and having the same experience (plus no appreciation), I am thinking of telling them we are going back to cruising at Christmas like we used to do. Even if we stay here!

At least DH helps. And one brother's girlfriend offered, but I didn't take her up on it.

I have to ask because I don't have much family left, but why did it fall on YOU to cook holiday dinners? Your brothers are grown men. Even if they didn't know how to cook, why would it all be on you for all the holiday dinners when you all could just meet somewhere for dinner?

I don't blame you for saying you are going back to cruising on Christmas even if you stay at home because if I am not getting any appreciation, I will not knock myself just to be upset time and time again.

 

[jennyjinx3]

OP I know how you feel. I too host my family quite a bit and while most of them try to help out I do get frustrated when some do not...EVER! I asked my brother to bring a six pack of beer to our last holiday dinner and he arrived empty handed. I asked him where was the beer? His reply? Why would I bring beer...I don't drink.

Huh? I said well maybe because your hosts do!!!

 

[NaLisa]

As our family grew, it became very difficult and time consuming for one family to host and prepare food for the entire gang of children, grandchildren, in-laws, cousins, etc. So we decided to do potluck once a month and rotate among hosts. A couple of families don't have a large enough home to host, but at least they prepare a dish for every gathering. Keeps one or two people from having to do all the work and growing resentful of the rest.

And just one other thought--if your family feels comfortable enough at your home to lie down on the couch, they should feel comfortable to help clean up a little, IMHO.