Dealing with Aging Parents (Vent of Sorts) Anybody Else?

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I suppose I am venting more than anything, or just wondering if other people are going through the same. This NOT a Covid thread, but it definitely is part of the "story". My father is about 80 and is suffering from classic "long Covid". Until he had Covid, he was in great shape for the most part and as strong as most men 30 years younger if I had to guess.

As of now, 2022 he has been in the hospital once and another trip to the ER for suspected heart attacks. They have literally done every test under the sun and they just cannot find anything wrong with his heart. Part of the problem is when he is at home he wears an oximeter (sometimes two) and constantly monitors his heart rate and oxygen saturation levels. You cannot even have a conversation with him because he will just sit and call out numbers. He freaks out when his heart rate fluctuates due to physical activity and will stop and sit down once it reaches a certain level and not move until it does so. (the doctor has told him to throw those oximeters away and just go about his daily routine but he will not listen). He also takes his blood pressure several times a day.... every now and then he gets a high reading, and a low reading and when he does he will freak out. I saw him freak out because his readings were "too good". He literally had a meltdown because when his readings are good, the machine must be broken... he takes it again and gets the same and that must mean he has something "seriously wrong" going on because his readings should NOT be that good compared to how he feels.

After his most recent hospital trip, he told me how the hospital lies about things and how they just do not care about anybody or anything... they just want to get you OUT. I have spoken with his doctor and she said his vitals, bloodwork and all of that are "surprisingly good" for a man his age. The doctor said they are short-handed when it comes to psychiatrists right now so she is using medications until that can be set up, and if he goes back to the ER for something she suggests he go to the psych ward. He is surprisingly cooperative when it comes to getting psychiatric help (this has only been a couple days in the making). Of course he doesn't like how his meds make him feel and has already tried to take less. He told the doctor and she came unglued on him, so he SAYS he will now do as he was instructed to do (we shall see if this sticks).

...and this is where my internal crisis begins. Welcome to the world of an only child. I live better than 2 hours away. I HAVE submitted FMLA, and both ends say they will approve it, we are just waiting at this point (yes I should have done this months ago, but just chose to assume things would get better). Once that gets approved, I will be in a better position to go help him with stuff. To add to the problems (this living so far away) is that he has good friends near him but no family to help. He has a big house that requires a lot of maintenance, a big yard/property that requires a lot of maintenance. I know he is not capable of taking care of all of that himself. He has recently found a housekeeper and somebody to mow the yard. I do not know how long that will last though.

The distance thing is a BIG problem. Maybe I am being selfish, I suppose I am. I have SUGGESTED, and my cousin has suggested that he get an apartment up here if only on a "trial basis" to see of that would work. If he moves up here close to his family and me, it would make it a lot easier on all of us (but I suppose not him). I really "get it" he has some amazing friends, and he would not want to be away from them. However, it is so hard for me to have to leave my family here so that he can continue to keep what he has going on. I can see his side, he wants to keep his lifestyle and friends and does not want to give that up for the convenience of his family. He has two brothers in my area, but they are too old and not up to traveling back and forth to help care for him because their health is worse than his and it is even further for them than me to travel. Having them help, is seriously not an option. Also, any kind of "home" or "assisted living" is COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION, he has made that perfectly clear.

I feel like I have aged 20 years since 2022 started. I can see how and fully understand the way my mom was stressed out dealing with her aging parents when and they lived 5 minutes away. I know this struggle should be focused on him, but I am the one dealing with all the feelings of guilt wanting him to give up his lifestyle so that I can keep mine. I guess the "right thing to do" would be for me to move in with him and take care of him, but I have a marriage/career/life here that I do not want to give up. I can see his side in that he does not want to give up his lifestyle so that I can maintain mine.

Anyway, I will stop whining for now and begin my daily routine, at least it is a 3 day weekend after today.

 

[TwoMisfits]

It's hard. One thing I might do (which we did for my mom before she relapsed with us) is get him daily "nursing" care (or even just adult care) from a private service. My mom paid for it b/c she didn't want to be with us at the time, and it was a godsend for her and us. It's not cheap, but it does allow independence for the older adult, especially when family can't be there every day.

You'll want to interview the services and the actual people they would send if you go this path so your dad feels comfortable with them, and you do, too.

 

[mikehn]

My situation isnt as bad as yours, but I can totally relate. I think many of us are in this boat. This is one reason I drink as much as I do.

 

[Christine]

Wow, vent away. So sorry you are going through this. I'm an only child as well and, for now, my parents are healthy and rational. My mom "swears" that when the time comes she won't dig in her heels and insist on staying in a situation that is hard on everyone but we shall see.

Your dad really has some strong health anxiety going on right now. Tending toward hypchondria myself (or I used to anyone) is tough. It's like you get fixated on a problem and you get in this "do loop" with health checking to make yourself feel better. I can totally sympathize with what he is doing now. I'll tell you, the pulse oximeters definitely need to go. The more he stops doing it, his obessions with it will go away. I have some changes with my heart rate as I've aged and it occasionally goes very low. I've worked with a doctor on it and I've got the "all clear" sign, but mentally it messes with me. I actually just had to stop wearing a fitness watch all day because the changes were freaking me out. Medications, therapy, etc. have *never* worked there but sometimes a really good talk with a well-respected physician and me stopping the triggers has been the most helpful. Probably impossible but maybe you can try to talk him into giving those health devices up.

Probably he could live a little better on his own if he kicked that anxiety. As for his house, boy that's a tough one. At 80, people really should start moving out of there and going into something that might not be assisted living but offers support. We have a couple of those apartment complexes here. I don't know what they are classified as but some of the residents are independent enough to have their own cars, drive and do their own thing but they also have a dining room if you want meals. They have nursing assistants on staff to help with medication or other needs (if you want), etc. Maybe there is something like that? Ugh, it's all so hard.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

I feel ya. We have been going through hell for over 2 1/2 years now of constant 24/7 care of my elderly in-laws. My father-in-law passed away in November of 2020. My mother-in-law is 93 now and makes the wicked witch of the west look like a saint. She’s always been like that. She won’t listen cause she knows best. She doesn’t appreciate a damn thing. She refused to take care of her own mother even when her mother offered to pay her but she demands that her own kids take care of her cause that’s why she had them. She needs 24/7 care and refuses any outside help. My husband and his 3 siblings who are 66-72 years old themselves are loosing their minds. It is a nightmare and I hate seeing my husband go through this. It has affected everyone in the family. The frustration, stress, and aggravation is real and I am so ready to have it over. Im pretty sure that when she does finally pass away there won’t be any tears shed by anyone. She is putting her family through hell and she doesn’t even care. Her kids are good people though and continue to put up with it because she is their mother but even they have had enough and basically we just pray for answers.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

Currently going through a similar situation with my grandfather (except he has the oppurtunity as a veteran to go to our local veterans home but doesn’t want to. To say I’m angry would be the understatement of the year)

I would recommend you go to counseling for yourself as well. I also recommend calling your local state Senator. Our local state senators office actually put us in contact with someone and helped immensely (thought he should still take advantage of the opportunity as a combat veteran and career man)

 

[wdwfan51]

I wish the best for you and your dad with whatever decisions you make. I am going through similar things with my mom. I am the youngest of four though and let’s say her least favorite child. Unfortunately my sister passed in 2018, one brother only has months left and the oldest isn’t looking to good either. That will leave her with just me, 1000 miles away. My husband and I are trying our best and will do what needs to be done, even if that means moving, but it is hard. She thinks Drs are only in the profession for money, won’t do what they tell her and then complains when she doesn’t get the outcome she wants. Good luck to all of us.

 

[mumto3girls]

I am sorry OP. I have no answers for you, but to you. You are not alone. Aging parents are rough and distance and your being an only child make that tougher. DH and I are in our early 50’s and have gone through the decline and death of 3 of our parents in the last 8 years. My 80 year old father is the only one left. He’s still in the big house with the big yard that me and my 3 sisters grew up in. Right now he’s okay, but after seeing the decline of our other parents, we know that can change quickly.

It might make sense to start bringing in people to help with lawn and housekeeping with an eye towards moving in the direction of an apartment. Once he’s in a smaller place with the downsizing done and with a lease instead of owning it’ll be easier to move him closer to you when he can longer drive and needs more assistance. I think that would be my long term plan, although that could need revamping at any time depending on his health status.

He definitely seems to have some health anxiety and getting that treated should be at the top of the to do list, but sounds like his physician is helping with that already.

Good luck.

ETA: I just re-read your post and see that lawn care and housekeeping have been started you are just concerned it may not last. I think I would start talking to him about downsizing with an eye towards getting him in an apartment. That’s a big first step and may take a while. I find with my dad I introduce things in baby steps. He is often totally opposed to something in the beginning, but I keep talking a little bit here and a little bit there and remind him that we don’t know what the future holds so it wouldn’t hurt to think about/look into/go see and gradually he comes around.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I know there's a poster here on the Boards that has recommended to many posters about getting an oximeter if they felt they were sick with covid or if they had disclosed they have covid but any behaviors can end up becoming compulsive and in a high stress situation like this is seems like your father has fixated and cannot stop the readings. I can only imagine how he feels both from covid and from his age that may be playing a role in how he feels on constantly checking his readings. Delicately put he may be considering constantly about his own mortality especially because as you've mentioned his body and mind were in a much better place before covid.

I agree about the psychological help as I view that as the primary issue but am concerned that he was started on meds immediately without evaluations by the appropriate person and he's not getting psychological aid while on them. Even if because they are shorthanded that seems shortsighted. I'll disagree with another poster I don't think the health anxiety is being helped by the physician because that's not their wheel house. I'd also be concerned that the physician is speaking about a psych ward from an ER if he goes back. I guess from my viewpoint that seems like an overreaction because virtually nothing has been done prior to this (other than telling him to throw the oximeters away and put him on meds). Are there places you can take your father to that are not at this hospital? Will the physician have to give a referral to do that? Are there private clinics even just to get an evaluation done outside of the ER?

My advice would be to go to the root of the issue before embroiling yourself in other major things, and for me I see the root of the issue his anxiety and obsessive habits he's picked up on. I would not relocate him just yet, that takes him out of his comfort zone unnecessarily..at this point I should add..and may further increase his anxiety but that should be a question for psychologist who is able to look and talk with your father. I do think keeping up on who is doing what at the house (the lawn, the housekeeping, etc) just so you know if someone stops doing it the house doesn't fall into disrepair while you are not close in proximity but IMO the primary thing is to get him some help on those behaviors.

 

[KPeterso]

Hugs from one only child with aging parents to another. I don't have the distance problem, but my parents (mom especially) are a constant source of stress. My mom had a heart attack and double bypass surgery in late February. She is supposed to increase her walking each day (should be at least 5 short walks every day), but there are some days it is a struggle to get her to take even one walk. But then she tells the doctors and cardiac rehab that she averages 4000 steps a day. That is a total lie. She gets to that number on days when we have to go out and run a few errands, but that is not the average at all. Then she has more days where she is just nasty and horrible to the cardiac rehab people. That group is so nice and helpful! I took her on Wednesday and she said they ignored her the whole time and only took her brood pressure once and that they just stood around gossiping. I was sitting right by the desk and they were discussing another patient pretty closely as there were concerns from his monitor. I had also told her to sit down and wait to have her blood pressure taken and she said they would get it after she was on her machine. She refuses to believe me when I tell her that they were not gossiping. And then she know she is supposed to eat 3 meals a day, but if she has 1 real meal a day and maybe something small earlier, that is a good day. And to add to it, her memory is going despite what she might say. My Dad is pretty laid back, but he has a bad ankle and refuses to do anything about it. He did about 6 weeks ago suddenly decide he should start using a cane after years of refusing. So I guess that is a plus?

 

[HopperFan]

You'll have many here that have similar experiences ... same situation, different players and a variety of scripts and endings. We all feel for you. First my in-laws, then my mother (my dad passed when I was in high school) and all I have left is a stepfather. Ironically even though he was the most unreasonable one of them all - he is currently the most realistic one. Even asked me when they would come for his driver's license, like he would willingly give it up if "they" said so.

My in-laws were an hour away, we moved Mom close to us and were in process of forcing Dad but he passed suddenly. My Mom got sick during COVID, best doctors at top hospital and the ongoing battle with them for 6 mos was them saying "she's old, take her home and make her eat". She spent the last month in a hospital being babysat with no medical care and them refusing to allow us in, not returning calls etc. She never fought for herself. They completely failed at their oath.

One plus for you, his doctors who are listening, engaging, testing and being proactive. I am envious of that.

A couple years prior to the end for Mom she had a "cardiac" episode. Many tests and checks later they determined it was not a heart attack, that it was a severe anxiety attack but I do think they gave her BP meds. (She kept things secret). BUT ........... she didn't want to drive anymore, she didn't want to do things alone anymore (she was fiercely independent after dad died), she didn't want to travel (her and SD traveled the world many times) and she was losing interest in her favorite things, painting and sewing. They ended up putting her on anti-depression meds, says common with heart related issues. Perhaps explore that angle maybe it will reduce his fears and obsession with his heart.

BUT before you commit to ANYTHING big, you need to go in with a set plan. No open end. Old people tend to think commits are for the long term, until their end ... without regards to not everyone is retired and can hang out forever. Your Dad could get very comfortable with a room mate and look at this as forever and not make any good solid plans for himself long term. You need to be clear with him you are there for ... "30 days to get everything in order for you to live well" and he needs to work with you for a long term solution for himself. If he refuses, you have to be prepared to go home without guilt, it is not on you if he won't cooperate. But for sure I'd go with all the options, written down clearly so while he might not really listen, he might look at paperwork when you aren't watching. There has to be an end goal whether he agrees or not.

Good Luck, the guilt we put on ourselves is worse than any guilt they can.

 

[lanejudy]

I understand, it's sooo hard!

Some things to consider:

• Will his doctor give a referral to home health? He should qualify for at least a check-in covered by Medicare. They may only provide some temporary services, but can be very helpful with suggestions that will help him (and you).
• Are there any "Senior" living communities - either near him or near you? Not necessarily assisted living, many have independent living accommodations - his own apartment, but with someone else to do the maintenance and upkeep and it's a smaller space. Many will also have the assisted living component, and it could (eventually) be an easier move for him if he starts with an independent living arrangement.
• Check out any senior centers in his area. They may have some day programs that will keep his mind off his recent health concerns. They may also have access to counseling services.

Good luck! It's a journey. Feel free to vent...

 

[VandVsmama]

I really feel for what you're going through. Sometimes, it's just an impossible situation! I know that aging and getting older can be very hard for the elderly to cope with. I don't really have any good words of advice or suggestions, just sending you some virtual hugs your way.

DH & my SIL (DH's sister) have tried many times to get through to their mother (my MIL). She's 75, but physically is more like 85. Has had Type 2 diabetes for 30 yr...in which she's tried to pretend that she didn't have diabetes. As a result, she's got a long laundry list of diabetes-related health problems and it's a wonder that she's still alive at this point, honestly...

• diabetes-caused blindness - she can still see, but only peripheral vision. The center of her field of vision is now totally black.
• had a heart attack about 12 yr ago and has a pacemaker since then
• gastroparesis
• neuropathy in her fingertips & her feet
• kidney failure - about 5 yr ago, kidneys were only working at ~60% of their normal function
• congestive heart failure
• etc., etc.

She refuses to tell DH or SIL what the full situation is with herself medically. About 3 yr ago, she spent a couple of nights in the hospital and didn't even tell DH or SIL about it until a week-ish later.

She lives ~ a 90 min drive from us, a 6 1/2 hr drive from SIL. Refuses to move. Relies on friends to drive her everywhere she needs to go (multiple doctor appointments, grocery store, pharmacy, church, etc.). Refuses to use online grocery ordering & delivery despite DH & SIL offering to help her set it up for her. Finally got a cell phone after long last, but can't figure out how to properly use it (she's had a major mental block about learning anything tech her entire life) and foolishly cancelled her home phone service because she didn't want to pay for 2 phone services. Refuses absolutely to entertain any possibility of moving into an assisted living facility of any kind, despite the fact that she needs one at this point. Refuses to even write a will or medical or financial power of attorney documents and goes into Martyr Mode whenever DH or SIL brings up the topic (i.e., "You just want me to die so you can get rid of all of my stuff").

She does NOT have dementia of any kind. She's been a real handful for DH to deal with over the past 3 years and it's not getting any better.

She refuses to change or plan for the inevitable. So what will probably happen is that something will happen where the situation will FORCE her to change her living situation. Only then will she change.

DH & I already decided that she won't ever be moving in with us. MIL living under the same roof as us is not conducive to DH & I remaining married to each other. SIL has a tiny 3 br/1 ba house with 4 people already so there isn't room at SIL's either.

 

[Chuck S]

It is all just part of life. As an only child, where neither of my aunts had children, and two of my great aunts, also. I was caregiver to two of my grandparents, my mom's elder sister, two great aunts and my mother. You will get through it, you will survive. But, you need to take a day or two every week for YOU, if you're not at your best, you can't do the best for your loved ones. The rest of my family has all passed away, and I treasured every moment that I had them, even though it was occasionally emotional and frustrating. All you can do is the BEST that you can do. No regrets, no second thoughts.

Just think how awful you'd feel in the future if you didn't make the effort to care for your loved ones, like so many young people these days. My 88 year old neighbor, who is in poor health, is an example. Her kids took off for the coast on Mothers day, and didn't even come by to see her. She has been dependent on neighbors for years. We finally got together and told her kids they need to step up. They've done a little more, like ordering her groceries for her, but they still rarely see her, and they live 3 to 7 miles away! One of the neighbors mows all of our lawns for us, of course we pay him. Well, her kids said he charged too much and they would cut it. Her grass is over a foot tall right now. They promised to do things and take her places, and they haven't. they're just too busy. This is of 2 adult children and 4 adult grandchildren that live nearby. All of whom are younger than any of us neighbors.

Be the best daughter you can be, my mom lived to be 87, and it still feels like she passed too soon.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

It's difficult when the child becomes the parent. That's the role reversal when parents age. Just as when your father was the parent and charged with making decisions, it's now on you. Take his thoughts and opinions into some consideration, but at the end of the day...it's all on you....what is easiest on you, what makes the most sense. My Mom said she paid a "pack" with her two good friends, that they'd take care of each other. And they did, to a point. They were all aging, in different stages of health, etc. And like I said to my Mom, we (me and my sister) are your family and WE are responsible for you. At the time she lived 8 hours by car from my sister and I lived across the country. My Mom ended up moving in with my sister (single, no kids). Six years ago I moved at least to the same time zone and could fly to my sisters house in 2 hours. The last year or so of my Mom's life, her health was going down hill. We were discussing having someone come into the house to help out and if needed, possibly assisted living. Again, I told my Mom she had every right to weigh in, help make decisions but ultimately WE had to do what we had to do. To keep jobs, and to have to best possible care and solution for our Mom. Look into resources in your fathers area for now....transportation, geriatric services (a community center, help with grocery shopping, etc). Also, in home help. Usually that would be in the form of a nursing assistant. See how that goes and then re-evaluate down the road to see if it's working or changes need to be made. One step at a time.

 

[kdonnel]

After having to deal remotely with my mom's health deteriorate and her subsequent death, I was quick to try and get my father to move closer.

It took a year but eventually he moved nearby.

It made it so much easier and cost effective to care for him as his health deteriorated and he passed away.

My wife's parents moved even closer. They now live in our basement. It has made caring for them much easier. In the almost three years they have lived with us we have seen a significant decline in their mental and physical health. Helping them in the early days of Covid were made so simple since they were in our home.

Good luck.

Push for closer now before the health is even worse.

 

[tvguy]

I'm an only child. My dad had a terminal illness, and had 2 years to get his affairs in order, and passed away just before I turned 10. It was so helpful to my mom to have all the information and work done, so she started doing the same thing for me. Not much I could participate in before I turned 18, but she mapped out her wishes, and let me know what they were starting in my teen years. When I turned 18, she set up everything so I not only knew her wishes, but had full authority to carry those wishes out. Everything was written down, and about once a year she would review everything with me. It would be 37 years before I had to step in, but it was so helpful.
So, to the OP, I have no magic solution to your situation.
To others, this is the type of situation that underscores why you need to make your wishes know now, and make them known now to your family. It always was a little uncomfortable when my mom sat down with me every year to review her wishes, but it was soooooo helpful when the time came. Even with everything that possibly could be handled in advance taken care of, it was still overwhelming for me. My kids are a little uncomfortable when my wife and I review our wishes with them. But they saw what I went through 10 years ago with my mom, and understand how helpful knowing her wishes were.

 

[Pooh2]

I feel for you OP!
I have told my mom that I don't want to hear her oximeter and blood pressure readings anymore! It is a toxic hobby!
Her other favorite hobby is the ER.
I know alot of it is loneliness (she was widowed in 2020).
I am over an hour away and it was really wearing on me (and my gas budget!).
I told mom I would come twice per month for now on (unless it is actually an emergency) to go out to lunch or help with chores or appts.
She actually started going out with friends again last week so hoping things are turning around.
Good luck OP!! Definitely is tiresome!

 

[CGB]

My heart aches for you because I know the inner turmoil and struggle you're feeling. I live seven hours from my hometown. Dad was in bad health the last 10 years of his life. He and my stepmother refused to move closer to us, despite my constant begging. I was the last living child and no other close relatives lived there, but they wouldn't leave. They refused to accept that I wasn't moving back (I'd been gone for over 30 years). They refused to consider elder care or assisted living. I drove back and forth as much as I could. I finally got them to let home health nurses come into their home but they weren't happy about it. It was incredibly frustrating, but I did as much as I could that they would allow.

After dad died, I worried about my stepmom because I knew she wouldn't allow me to make any decisions for her. I was never put on any accounts, advised of their finances, or even told about her medical issues. I tried to warn her grandsons (who I had grown up with) at my dad's funeral. After she had a few medical emergencies over the next year, one grandson moved back to the area. He was at a loss of what to do about her because she wouldn't cooperate with him either. After she experienced another illness, I guided him through the process of contacting her doctor, who thankfully took the lead in getting her into the hospital and eventually a local nursing home (which was highly recommended) for care. I was concerned about the nursing home, but I knew she absolutely couldn't live by herself anymore and she needed more care than any of us could provide. During our visit last month, I was so happy to see her talking and laughing with other residents. She looked healthy and rested and the nurses were so attentive and caring. I had been scared she would curl up in her bed and refuse to socialize, but the exact opposite has happened. When we left, she was rolling up to her "coffee club" of lady friends who had waited for our visit to end so they didn't start without her.

I hope you can find an answer that works for everyone involved. Like someone said above, definitely take some time to take care of yourself as the stress will wear on you.

 

[Frwinkley]

As parents of an only child (we are in good health in our 60s), our plan is to move closer to our DD and her family. Right now we live 40 minutes away, but would like to move so that we're 10-20 minutes away. We plan to do this once we are both retired (in the next 2-3 years). Our goal is to make the burden of dealing with us as we age as easy on her as possible. I think the key is to make the move before we are forced to.

It sounds good as we plan--who knows what it will really look like.