Dealing with a Groomzilla...

[gwynne]

Are you guys reading another thread about the dress? All I saw was that he wanted to be the deciding factor in the type of dress she wore, not that he wanted to pick out her dress.
Maybe he doesn't want her walking down the aisle looking like a hoochie, or a southern belle in a huge dress, or a gothic princess, or whatever else.

We are hearing on side of the story, and since the truth always lies in between the two sides of the story I don't think its fair to judge him solely on what the OP says. Planning weddings can bring out the worst in people, including MILs. No offense OP, its just that I'm sure you want things a certain way for your dd, and maybe you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that she, or you aren't going to get your way on everything.

So you think maybe the groom expecting to be the deciding factor is fine as long as he's stopping her from being ridiculous or embarrassing? I don't think that take is either likely or frankly, speaks well of either of them.

Nope, he's controlling is the obvious answer.

 

[mom2rtk]

If he's marrying her after 5 1/2 years of dating, shouldn't he have some confidence that she won't wear something too sexy or too whatever? Without him needing the final say?

 

[Dizlvr]

So you think maybe the groom expecting to be the being the deciding factor is fine as long as he's stopping her from being ridiculous or embarrassing? I don't think that take is either likely or frankly, speaks well of either of them.

Nope, he's controlling is the obvious answer.

I never said anything about embarrassing or ridiculous, maybe he likes the way she looks in certain styles and wants her to wear that. Again, if we were talking about a bride picking out the tux because that is what she wanted it would be a whole different conversation.
Its not obvious he's controlling, if it was there wouldn't be any posters disagreeing with you

 

[cabanafrau]

Of course not, the bride gets all the say remember, and she is never labled controlling. When a man wants to have a say then of course he's immature, controlling, the marriage is doomed. Its the biggest double standard, but don't expect anyone to admit it.

Actually I despise most of the mythology that's sprung up in modern wedding culture. The idea of the bride as princess makes me want to retch. It's particularly sad when you see the segment of women who are crushed they cannot maintain their bride status perpetually. I wanted to marry my husband. The wedding was merely the ceremony that made it official & I really didn't care very much about it.

 

[Dizlvr]

If he's marrying her after 5 1/2 years of dating, shouldn't he have some confidence that she won't wear something too sexy or too whatever? Without him needing the final say?

Maybe but we don't know them so anything we say here is just an assumption. Your assumptions are no more right than mine. I think we call all agree on that.

 

[mom2rtk]

Maybe but we don't know them so anything we say here is just an assumption.

Well, of course it is. Isn't this board full of wild assumptions all day long?

Isn't that why we all enjoy it so much?

 

[NewRVLady]

Traditionally-the groom is supposed to be surprised at how lovely his bride looks on her wedding day
I have never heard of a groom having a say in the dress-that is just odd

 

[gwynne]

I never said anything about embarrassing or ridiculous, maybe he likes the way she looks in certain styles and wants her to wear that. Again, if we were talking about a bride picking out the tux because that is what she wanted it would be a whole different conversation.
Its not obvious he's controlling, if it was there wouldn't be any posters disagreeing with you

Actually you kinda did....from your post, "Maybe he doesn't want her walking down the aisle looking like a hoochie, or a southern belle in a huge dress, or a gothic princess, or whatever else."

 

[Dizlvr]

Traditionally-the groom is supposed to be surprised at how lovely his bride looks on her wedding day
I have never heard of a groom having a say in the dress-that is just odd

I posted before that I asked my dh his opinion on the dresses I liked. We've been married almost 20 years so while traditionally men had "no say" its all about individual choices. I didn't care so much about traditions, they change anyway and just because people did something 100 years ago doesn't mean that is how things always have to be done.

 

[Dizlvr]

Actually you kinda did....from your post, "Maybe he doesn't want her walking down the aisle looking like a hoochie, or a southern belle in a huge dress, or a gothic princess, or whatever else."

I meant because those types of dresses weren't his style. I'm sure the women who dress like hoochies, or southern belles or gothic princesses on their wedding day think they look beautiful and not at all embarrassing. I bet their grooms feel the same too. The OP said he wanted a final say in the type of dress, to me that means he would like her to wear a style he likes her in (and it could be any of the things I mentioned).

 

[aaarcher86]

If he's marrying her after 5 1/2 years of dating, shouldn't he have some confidence that she won't wear something too sexy or too whatever? Without him needing the final say?

I missed the post about the dress, but what's the extent of it?

My DH told me he really didn't like big poofy wedding dresses. I won't say he told me I couldn't or shouldn't wear one, but he did give me his opinion and I used it as a factor.

I just wonder what the extent of dress control is actually happening.

 

[cabanafrau]

Traditionally-the groom is supposed to be surprised at how lovely his bride looks on her wedding day
I have never heard of a groom having a say in the dress-that is just odd

Have you seen a TV show called "Say Yes to the Dress"? Granted, it's a "reality" TV show, but I've seen it a few times and, wow, it takes all kinds.

My DDs like to watch it & goof on it. They're pretty normal teens/early 20s, grew up in the dance world so not overtly prudish, but they both cannot believe how many brides are specifically out to dress as skanky princesses. Hopefully they will select accordingly when their day comes -- and not want $10,000 dresses!

 

[cabanafrau]

I meant because those types of dresses weren't his style. I'm sure the women who dress like hoochies, or southern belles or gothic princesses on their wedding day think they look beautiful and not at all embarrassing. I bet their grooms feel the same too. The OP said he wanted a final say in the type of dress, to me that means he would like her to wear a style he likes her in (and it could be any of the things I mentioned).

Wait, now you're agreeing he wants final say, yet you don't see where he's attempting to control?

 

[mom2rtk]

I missed the post about the dress, but what's the extent of it?

My DH told me he really didn't like big poofy wedding dresses. I won't say he told me I couldn't or shouldn't wear one, but he did give me his opinion and I used it as a factor.

I just wonder what the extent of dress control is actually happening.

I'd like to know more about it. We probably won't, as that's how these threads go.

But having a groom express an opinion as the bride goes shopping seems quite reasonable. Telling her he needs to approve it once she chooses it is another.

Having her say "hey, do you have any input before I go choose my dress?" is one thing. Him telling her he needs final say is another.

I suppose we really don't know what his approach was, but when you put that together with is being inflexible on other things, it certainly makes one wonder.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Are you guys reading another thread about the dress? All I saw was that he wanted to be the deciding factor in the type of dress she wore, not that he wanted to pick out her dress.
Maybe he doesn't want her walking down the aisle looking like a hoochie, or a southern belle in a huge dress, or a gothic princess, or whatever else.

We are hearing on side of the story, and since the truth always lies in between the two sides of the story I don't think its fair to judge him solely on what the OP says. Planning weddings can bring out the worst in people, including MILs. No offense OP, its just that I'm sure you want things a certain way for your dd, and maybe you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that she, or you aren't going to get your way on everything.

If anyone (him, the daughter, both) are insisting on death metal at the reception, it's fair to judge on that.
it's selfish and immature. A normal, reasonable adult can understand that certain types of music are not for everyone and not appropriate on all occasions.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'd have no problem with a groom asking the bride to try to incorporate a special long-standing family tradition from his family in her dress if it was meaningful to him. Maybe it just wouldn't be possible for her to find a dress compatible with great grandma's broach or the family tartan, but I don't think it's unreasonable for him to discuss it as a possibility and let her decide if she was going to consider it at all, give it a decent try but surrender when it doesn't work out or make it a priority for herself.

 

[usd2bmd]

I don't really like giving/getting money with stipulations. If you want to pay for the wedding, pay for it. If you don't, don't.

It's up to the groom and bride what they want, and if the bride doesn't say no that's her issue. Not yours.

I completely agree. This sounds like the problem is as much with your daughter NOT saying what she wants as it is with your future son in-law saying what he wants.

 

[Dizlvr]

Wait, now you're agreeing he wants final say, yet you don't see where he's attempting to control?

I'm saying that we have the OP's version of the story and that his side may be something different. He may want a say in the type of dress his bride wears, and I don't see that as control I see that as him having an opinion about her gown. Did he give his bride orders- wear this or else I won't marry you, or did he say I'd really like it if you wore XYZ?
The OP said the bride "won", so I guess we'll never know, but its obvious that the wedding is still on.

 

[Dizlvr]

If anyone (him, the daughter, both) are insisting on death metal at the reception, it's fair to judge on that.
it's selfish and immature. A normal, reasonable adult can understand that certain types of music are not for everyone and not appropriate on all occasions.

Has the OP sat down and talked to them about it? I had alot of plans for my wedding but when I sat down and actually started planning and figuring out what could/should be done, things changed and compromises were made.
A wedding reception is a party, its not really all that crazy to want the music you like at your party, and who knows maybe 1/2 his guest list likes that music too. Does he want all and only death metal? Does he just want some songs mixed in? We have one post by the OP, with "her" details, you can judge him based on that, that is fine, I just think there is way more info needed to make those judgments. Maybe the OP will come back and share more, until then I'm not going to say he's a selfish immature controlling groom to be who is headed for divorce within a year.

 

[aaarcher86]

I'd like to know more about it. We probably won't, as that's how these threads go.

But having a groom express an opinion as the bride goes shopping seems quite reasonable. Telling her he needs to approve it once she chooses it is another.

Having her say "hey, do you have any input before I go choose my dress?" is one thing. Him telling her he needs final say is another.

I suppose we really don't know what his approach was, but when you put that together with is being inflexible on other things, it certainly makes one wonder.

I'm kind of taking the OP more as exaggerated annoyances, honestly.

But you're right. We probably won't get clarification anyway!