Dealing with a Groomzilla...

[Christine]

Definition of reception:

I was married a year ago (this weekend!) and my DH was very involved with parts of the wedding planning. He has specific thoughts on the music he wanted to hear (we created guidelines for the DJ to take into account our tastes, our guests tastes and what we thought would keep the crowd up and dancing). He also weighed in on the menu options, event flow and photography shot list.

We are in our mid-30's (for reference). It made planning a lot more fun to have him engaged.

God, you sound so *normal.*

In reading through this whole thing, I'm just struck by the selfishness of the groom (if it's all to be believed). I know I'm old fashioned and weddings have become more "me me me-centric" but I still solidly stand on the thought that guests should ALWAYS be concerned. Maybe not at the ceremony because that is about the marriage, but the reception, which you've requested the honor of people's presence is also about *sharing* your joy with those you love. When having the type of wedding that involves a dance floor and 3 hours of whooping it up, you definitely should be flexible. I thought all couples chose their favorite "must have" songs (first dance, absolute favorite dance tunes, special/meaningful songs, and then let the DJ or wedding band (whose profession it is to entertain crowds of all types) create a good mix. Now, I hate country music but I knew that half my guests enjoyed it so you bet it was played at my wedding. We also played some heavy-ish rock because that's what I like. But I didn't drown my guests with it. This is where I think the groom is very immature. Not that he cares so much or has an opinion--just that his wants are selfish and immature.

 

[elaine amj]

DH planned most of our wedding I only managed to choose the cake and flowers before I left to go halfway round the world. He handled all the details and did an awesome job. I was so overwhelmed by it all that I really didn't care about the little details.

Of course, several years later, I got hooked on the event planning bug and now really wish I had the desire to add a whole bunch of fun, personal details to my wedding. Overall, it was your basic, normal wedding. Oh well, we had a blast and it was a wonderful wedding! I have so many happy memories of the night.

I made up for it by now going to town with my kids birthday parties

 

[Andtototoo]

In terms of the death metal music and wanting to cater to their friends' tastes, well, that's selfish. When you throw a party, you should consider all of your guests. If their friends are the only people that matter, they should invite only those people and let the chips fall where they may. Including foregoing the gifts from family members and money from the bride's family to throw a party for their friends. If that's what they want to do, then they can pay for it.

Most grooms aren't involved because they are resigned to the fact that none of it will be the way they'd want it. And they're not going to die on that particular hill - mostly because at the end of the night, they get to see the bride naked.

In my experience of doing hundreds upon hundreds of weddings as a professional bridal consultant, most grooms aren't involved because they simply don't care about the details. All they want to know is if they will have food and drink and that's all they care about.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

In my experience of doing hundreds upon hundreds of weddings as a professional bridal consultant, most grooms aren't involved because they simply don't care about the details. All they want to know is if they will have food and drink and that's all they care about.

Oh trust me Sweetie, the groom's thoughts on the matter have long been squashed well before YOU ever meet these young men

 

[LBIJim]

I made up for it by now going to town with my kids birthday parties

Yeah, but can you top this????

$39,000 Disney Themed BD Party for 3 Year Old

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/dad-defends-39k-birthday-party-for-3-year-old-119944904737.html

In my experience of doing hundreds upon hundreds of weddings as a professional bridal consultant, most grooms aren't involved because they simply don't care about the details. All they want to know is if they will have food and drink and that's all they care about.

And besides, most grooms have already seen their bride naked before.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

And besides, most grooms have already seen their bride naked before.

But it never gets old

 

[cabanafrau]

Oh trust me Sweetie, the groom's thoughts on the matter have long been squashed well before YOU ever meet these young men

I don't buy into that stereotype. DH & I generally divide up responsibilities according to who's better at it or who is more interested -- doesn't always fall within gender stereotypes. Neither of us was interested in the wedding hoopla. If there had been a reason for us to throw a wedding with an actual reception I think it may have fallen to me to sort things out, not because of a desire to control, but because he wouldn't have had a clue what to do. His mind just doesn't work that way. Some women are that way as well. DD has been talking with her boyfriend's mom about his grad party. Mom is practically beside herself because she "has no idea what I should be doing". DD told her not to worry, she would help her.

Yeah, I don't buy into that stereotype.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't buy into that stereotype. DH & I generally divide up responsibilities according to who's better at it or who is more interested -- doesn't always fall within gender stereotypes. Neither of us was interested in the wedding hoopla. If there had been a reason for us to throw a wedding with an actual reception I think it may have fallen to me to sort things out, not because of a desire to control, but because he wouldn't have had a clue what to do. His mind just doesn't work that way. Some women are that way as well. DD has been talking with her boyfriend's mom about his grad party. Mom is practically beside herself because she "has no idea what I should be doing". DD told her not to worry, she would help her.

Yeah, I don't buy into that stereotype.

Well, as a man, I think I'm probably a little more qualified to buy into it (or not), and trust me, if a "bridal consultant" has been brought into the picture, the man has long since given up any notion of having things done "his way". In fact, I'd be willing to bet the first words out of most of their mouths are, "Why do we need a bridal consultant?".

Now, there may be plenty of women who are equally put off by the whole ordeal as well, but that isn't the point. The reason PP finds so many men not caring about the details is because we'd just as soon skip all that nonsense completely.

 

[NewRVLady]

Oh trust me Sweetie, the groom's thoughts on the matter have long been squashed well before YOU ever meet these young men

I really hate that Sweetie- very condescending

My son is involved- they chose the band together
They wanted 2 particular places for rehearsal dinner- he really was adamant about this ( he really didn't like a couple I was considering- based on recent events he attended there)
Now the flowers - no he doesn't care
Caterer asked HIM his fave foods....and we are all going cake tasting together

He ok'd my choice of an Oldie song for Mother- Son dance

 

[cabanafrau]

Well, as a man, I think I'm probably a little more qualified to buy into it (or not), and trust me, if a "bridal consultant" has been brought into the picture, the man has long since given up any notion of having things done "his way". In fact, I'd be willing to bet the first words out of most of their mouths are, "Why do we need a bridal consultant?".

Now, there may be plenty of women who are equally put off by the whole ordeal as well, but that isn't the point. The reason PP finds so many men not caring about the details is because we'd just as soon skip all that nonsense completely.

Well I'm a woman who would just as soon skip all that nonsense completely -- and who did exactly that. I can also see where DH & I both would have said "sign me up, please" to a wedding planner if it meant neither one of us had to deal with all that nonsense. One of my favorite phrases in life is "I don't know, I don't do that, I have people to do that for me." Based on my experience, I think you'd lose your bet.

Yes, the poster above is correct, sweetie is very condescending. Coupling that with your statement that as a man you're better to judge the situation -- exactly why is that? If you have daughters are you raising them to accept those attitudes in life? If so, maybe you're feeding the stereotypes you're railing against.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Well I'm a woman who would just as soon skip all that nonsense completely -- and who did exactly that. I can also see where DH & I both would have said "sign me up, please" to a wedding planner if it meant neither one of us had to deal with all that nonsense. One of my favorite phrases in life is "I don't know, I don't do that, I have people to do that for me." Based on my experience, I think you'd lose your bet.

Yes, the poster above is correct, sweetie is very condescending. Coupling that with your statement that as a man you're better to judge the situation -- exactly why is that? If you have daughters are you raising them to accept those attitudes in life? If so, maybe you're feeding the stereotypes you're railing against.

I'll take that bet

And while my comment may have come off rude, you might want to recognize that PP (who IS a bridal consultant) backs up my claim. The men for the most part don't care. I simply expressed "why" they don't care.

And no, I have no problem expressing to my daughters that they - as females - will never understand how men think & feel as well as men do. I'm certainly under no delusion of believing I understand how women think and feel as well as a woman would.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'll take that bet

And while my comment may have come off rude, you might want to recognize that PP (who IS a bridal consultant) backs up my claim. The men for the most part don't care. I simply expressed "why" they don't care.

And no, I have no problem expressing to my daughters that they - as females - will never understand how men think & feel as well as men do. I'm certainly under no delusion of believing I understand how women think and feel as well as a woman would.

Actually I was referring to the attitude that all men feel the same way and all women feel another way. I prefer to take people as they come and not assume I know anything but what they reveal to me.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Actually I was referring to the attitude that all men feel the same way and all women feel another way. I prefer to take people as they come and not assume I know anything but what they reveal to me.

I don't have a problem with that. Obviously, we're all individuals. No stereotype is absolute. But, this particular one is accurate more often than not.

 

[NotUrsula]

The issue here is actually handled by traditional etiquette rules: he who hosts decides the style of the party. If the invitations are going out with the parents as hosts (Mr. and Mrs. S request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter Nancy S, to Mr. Y ...) then the parents get to decide, because contrary to all the nonsense of it being "the bride's day", etc., the bridal couple are in fact guests at the reception, not the stars of a Vegas lounge act. The CEREMONY is all about their commitment to one another, but the reception is all about sharing joy with people who are close to them -- which kind of doesn't happen when a substantial percentage of the guests are uncomfortable and/or unhappy. Wedding receptions are multigenerational events, so compromise is central to making them enjoyable.

It's simple, really, and pure common sense: you never throw a party in your own honor. Never. And that goes triple on occasions when guests are expected to give gifts. No matter who hosts, the party is supposed to focus on making as many of the guests as happy to be there as possible within the means of the host. If the groom is the one who is most invested in that outcome, then it's great that he is; but regardless of gender, selfishness in a party host is a bad thing. (Which is not to say that one should go bankrupt pleasing the guests; you decide what you can reasonably afford, and then you provide the best experience that you can within that budget.)

So, what happens with the music is that you set it up so that the first part of the party (when the majority of the food is being served) has music that ALL OF THE GUESTS can live with and enjoy to some extent, and then let it change to something that may not suit the tastes of the older contingent, who can be expected to leave early. The bride and groom change out of their wedding clothes before that happens, which is a signal that it is shifting over from wedding reception to young people's party.

Oh, and if you are asking when is it that the bride and groom get to please themselves completely and do whatever they want? The honeymoon, of course!

PS: re the religious aspect of the service? Never push that. The vows are serious business; and it's hypocritical for a person who is does not believe to stand up in a church and pretend otherwise just to please another person. Basing a marriage ceremony on a sham isn't a good basis for getting the marriage off to a healthy start.

 

[NewRVLady]

Actually I was referring to the attitude that all men feel the same way and all women feel another way. I prefer to take people as they come and not assume I know anything but what they reveal to me.

Absolutely!
And to prove Gumbo man wrong again about this stereotype -about grooms-


My OTHER son,,married DS and bride designed their own Save The Date cards, wedding invites( very non traditional) , made a logo with their initials and colors that was used with all paper products
They both designed the wedding website- because it was a sort of destination wedding -some came from1-4 hours away- many flew in....lots of info of Things To Do and nearby restaurants etc
They made their own dinner menus with logo -

My DS made oragami folded boxes for the wedding favors
Logo on all the gift bags at hotel for guests

 

[cabanafrau]

Absolutely!
And to prove Gumbo man wrong again about this stereotype -about grooms-


My OTHER son,,married DS and bride designed their own Save The Date cards, wedding invites( very non traditional) , made a logo with their initials and colors that was used with all paper products
They both designed the wedding website- because it was a sort of destination wedding -some came from1-4 hours away- many flew in....lots of info of Things To Do and nearby restaurants etc
They made their own dinner menus with logo -

My DS made oragami folded boxes for the wedding favors
Logo on all the gift bags at hotel for guests

To be honest, I'm not entirely following his notion of the stereotype. On one hand he seems to have suggested that grooms' ideas are simply squashed from the start, so they don't bother expressing any. On the other hand he seems to suggest that men simply are not interested in these details. Which begs the question, which is the correct male view? Somehow I have the feeling in the end it's going to boil down to an evil bride, because apparently we simply cannot help behaving that way while our clothes are on.

I definitely feel I've failed as a mother. I have raised two daughters completely outside this sphere of thinking and they are no doubt doomed.

 

[Christine]

Absolutely!
And to prove Gumbo man wrong again about this stereotype -about grooms-


My OTHER son,,married DS and bride designed their own Save The Date cards, wedding invites( very non traditional) , made a logo with their initials and colors that was used with all paper products
They both designed the wedding website- because it was a sort of destination wedding -some came from1-4 hours away- many flew in....lots of info of Things To Do and nearby restaurants etc
They made their own dinner menus with logo -

My DS made oragami folded boxes for the wedding favors
Logo on all the gift bags at hotel for guests

I feel like I need to support Gumbo man!!! All stereotypes can be broken and I certainly see them broken every day. But I feel like IN GENERAL I've got to side with him on this one. It has been my experience that most grooms don't want much to do with all that stuff. I have certainly seen the grooms that are like your son but they have been rare.

 

[cabanafrau]

I feel like I need to support Gumbo man!!! All stereotypes can be broken and I certainly see them broken every day. But I feel like IN GENERAL I've got to side with him on this one. It has been my experience that most grooms don't want much to do with all that stuff. I have certainly seen the grooms that are like your son but they have been rare.

My experience of weddings in the past five years in which I know the couples well doesn't include one that fits that stereotype. I'm talking about young couples starting out in their twenties and thirties and two couples marrying in late forties and late fifties, nine weddings off the top of my head. All included significant involvement from the grooms in arranging certain details and aspects of the festivities according to what they wanted.

Do I think there are Bridezillas out there roaming free, ready to terrorize grooms, bridal attendants, caterers and photographers at will? Sure. I think times have changed and so have the gender norms about wedding planning.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

To be honest, I'm not entirely following his notion of the stereotype. On one hand he seems to have suggested that grooms' ideas are simply squashed from the start, so they don't bother expressing any. On the other hand he seems to suggest that men simply are not interested in these details. Which begs the question, which is the correct male view? Somehow I have the feeling in the end it's going to boil down to an evil bride, because apparently we simply cannot help behaving that way while our clothes are on.

I definitely feel I've failed as a mother. I have raised two daughters completely outside this sphere of thinking and they are no doubt doomed.

I don't see why you think the two ideas are in conflict.

If the groom had his way, most would want to go to Vegas or the Courthouse. Basically take all the time, energy, and money that went into planning a big "to do" and put that toward:

A new car?
A house?
A boat?
Or just about anything ELSE.

By the time the "Bridal Consultant" enters the picture, all of the above options - HIS ideas - are no longer on the table. Of course he doesn't care what kind of flowers are there because he couldn't care less if there are flowers at all. Food gets his attention because he will eat it; music because he will hear it. Otherwise? Meh.

That's not to say he won't be involved. Many of us get enjoyment out of pleasing our spouses, so we do a lot of things we wouldn't otherwise do because we love them (much as they do for us). And we do it with a smile on our faces even if the process ranks right up there with dropping heavy items on our toes or getting a prostrate exam.

And that's not to say we've been steamrolled by some out of control bridezilla. We've just been trained our entire lives not to die on this particular hill.

As for my personal experience, I've been a groom once & a groomsman many times. Had countless other male friends married. And in all my 47 years, I've yet to have any prospective groom enthusiastically discuss wedding plans in my presence. Bachelor party plans? Absolutely! Wedding plans? Nope, not once.

 

[mr.bungle]

And besides, most grooms have already seen their bride naked before.

well I should hope so! Otherwise you're doing it wrong.