Deadbeat Dads: anyone have experience with them?

[Ember]

Thanks punkin. People judge me all the time saying there must have been something wrong with me to make him leave. I can't convince people that he left our daughter and wants nothing to do with her. People still see it as my fault.

Seriously?! Ooo, that makes me so mad! I don't care what the relationship was, the person at fault for him leaving is HIM. And there is no excuse for abandoning a child. None.

Sometimes you hear the same thing over and over and you start to believe it, please don't! Tune the morons out and ignore them.

 

[punkin]

Tune the morons out and ignore them.

 

[Pakey]

Thanks punkin. People judge me all the time saying there must have been something wrong with me to make him leave. I can't convince people that he left our daughter and wants nothing to do with her. People still see it as my fault.

When my ex and I split (he had cheated, we tried to work it out but the problems in the marriage remained), my parents blamed me for the longest time. At a time when I really needed them, it hurt so much that they felt my marriage ended because I hadn't tried hard enough.

A few years went by, no contact from the ex for support or to even see his son; my parents finally saw the light.

Try not to let others' opinions drag you down. You know the truth.

 

[Vixen]

My uncle is a total deadbeat He got married because his girlfriend was expecting his baby... the baby was born in oct 2008.. then he started cheating on her and left the house, He goes back to the house she forgave him and she got pregnant again! And he left again didnt want her to have the baby.. the baby was born last week and he still has not gone and seen him
Its really embarrassing to have him as a family member because non of our fam is like that!

 

[NY Disney fan]

When my ex and I split (he had cheated, we tried to work it out but the problems in the marriage remained), my parents blamed me for the longest time. At a time when I really needed them, it hurt so much that they felt my marriage ended because I hadn't tried hard enough.

A few years went by, no contact from the ex for support or to even see his son; my parents finally saw the light.

Try not to let others' opinions drag you down. You know the truth.

Thank you Pakey (and Ember). I know what you mean. I went through 2 years of hell questioning my existence as a person when my exH threw me away and then people assumed it was my fault. That I wasn't a good enough wife. I almost feel guilty thinking that the more he stays away from us, the more vindicated I feel. Its a bad thought to think.

 

[cheermom1]

Yep my kids father left when they were babies and he hasn't seen them since. recently his sisters and mom have started contact with me and all they can do is make excesses for him.

Anyway once he found out he started talking to me and not once did he make an excuse, in fact he said it was the biggest mistake he ever made. This doesn;t mean the kids want anything to with him but so far he has put his foot forward.

My point is that a lot of times the people in their lives (family) are the ones that make them believe they have all these excuses and then it is never their fault. Some do get it and once the light bulb clicks over their head the see it but a lot don't and stay in that cycle.

 

[disneymarie]

I'd like to know from anyone who knows a deadbeat or *is* a deadbeat dad. How come they can walk away from their children (financially and physically)? I can't udnerstand this concept and would like someone to help me understand. Thanks.

ETA: My child's bio dad is a deadbeat. He wanted our child so badly and then after she was born he walked away and contacts her once in a blue moon. I know there is a reason and season for everything in life but I just don't get it.

Honey I am you 30 years later.....
Please take steps to document the lack of commication. Keep one calendar for the rest of YOUR life of his contact/lack of. after a year of no contact file for abadonment!

I lost my dd a few years ago. She was 29, no Will, and there was liability litigation. I attempeted to include MR Deadbeat. This was so he could not come after me later for "his parental share". He refused to sign and "wanted nothing to do with it" the suit......

Fast forward to today, I am in three months of legal battle with my dd estate. DEadbeat came out of the wood work and is DEMANDING HIS PARENTAL HALF!!!!

I still have other children and he has no contact or support of them although ths son is disabled adult, I take care of him the last 9 years without a dime.
In fact ex's father passed away and he never contacted the children that they were in the Will....he divorces me so he divorced them.

And the law. with out the adult child making a will, splits the estate. I have to show the settlement did not go to the estate as he did not participate to have his economic and financial losses included.
He actually had none, but wants my half.

It is a flip of the coin to see if he gets half. We start mediation in about 10 days and then binding arbutration.

Remeber this and protect your self. You do not need an attorney to go into court and make sure that they know your child is abandoned. Get full LEgal and Physical custody!!!!!!!!

THen get motion to stike parental rights.
My family is sick over this. I was so releeved he wanted nothing to do with it.
THEN he sued me.
A double loss of my daughter.....
THis scum bag owns a liquor serveing establishment, and is shut down for violations all them time.

So in your favor is this is the pattern that he walked out of her life emotionally and financially, try to accept that and make the legal act of abadonment an order.

Heavan help us, I never would think something would happen to your family, but I never thought it would happen to me......
Blessing to your family, this pattern never changes!!!!!

You can't shine garbage and leapords never change their spots.

 

[kafitty]

i actually just posted this last night about my brother, whom my father ultimately adopted after marrying my bro's bio-mom (my step-mom). The only time my brother has ever heard anything from him is when he gets a sporadic check, meaning his bio-dad actually has a job again and can afford to pay back-child support from before my dad adopted him.

This guy actually also had the gall to get my step-mom's best friend pregnant. My forgiving-and-understanding-to-a-fault stepmother was still friends with this woman for years, and we actually grew up hanging out with my brother's half-sister, NEVER KNOWING that they were related. We found out when were about 16, after not seeing her for awhile. She eventually died of a drug overdose when she was 19 - and "the donor" didn't even show up to the funeral. (This guy also had ANOTHER son, older than my brother, whom my bro hasn't met but is aware of.)

My bestest friend in the entire world also got screwed when she had her baby at 17 - her and the guy were "best friends" but going at it like teenagers do. Once she got pregnant, the guy COMPLETELY abandoned her, and went so far as to deny that he was even the father. OHHHH had we only lived in the same state (i'm in MA, she's in FL), that boy would have gotten the beat-down of a lifetime. His parent's were actually really good to my bff for awhile, buying things for their DGD and making attempts to see her, but i think things got too weird and it stopped once she was a toddler.

OP, i'm so sorry you're dealing with this bullcrap.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Remeber this and protect your self. You do not need an attorney to go into court and make sure that they know your child is abandoned. Get full LEgal and Physical custody!!!!!!!!

I am divorced from him but have full physical custody (we share legal). Can I still get full legal custody?

I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Marie.

 

[Mommy2three]

Well not a deadbeat father, but a deadbeat "mom" I put mom in quotes because she is not what it takes to be a mom...

My dh was in the army serving in Afghanstan and his then wife, and mother of his 2 kids who were 2 and just a few weeks at the time left them with a 16 year old babysitter and didnt come back for them. The army shipped him back to get the kids, by the time he was able to get back home it was over 30 days and she still hadnt showed up..she heard he was back and then she came back and she was only a block away the whole time. She immediatly gave over custody of the oldest one (daughter) because she said she was too brainwashed because she loved her dad too much, and took son only a few months old at the time, a few days after she took him, she left him with a sitter and didnt come back for hte whole weekend, dad went and picked him up, mom came over and told dad that if she gave him the car, she would sign son over to him, so they went to the laywer that day. dad got an honorable discharge from the army so he could keep his kids and everyone (inclduing mom) moved back up to WI, and I came in the picture in 2004.

She would only come and take DD once every few months for a few hours, then she went to jail for not paying child support and said she changed and DH and her agreed she would take the kids every other weekend. That lasted maybe a month, two at the most, then she stopped calling, never showed up again..fast forward to a year later..we took her to court to terminate her rights which she fought us on, and then on the 3rd court date she knew she didnt have a chance to win so she signed them away as long as we forgave her of her arrears in child support of 10,000...She hasnt really seen them since then and thats been 2 years now...she did try to call a few times to come and see them and when told no she of course threatened me. Lawyer sent her a letter saying to make no contact, she called the lawyer and told her off and said she will always be their mom and has every right in the world to see them no matter what it took..

I changed my phone number so she could no longer contact us. This last summer she drove through our alley a few times to see the kids in the backyard, but thats about it. On her facebook page it says she enjoys spending time with her kids....haha ok..maybe in her little lala land she does.
Older DD has adhd, bipolar, reactive attatchment disorder, PTSD, and other problems also due to the abandonment issues that she has. But after the termination i turned around and adopted the both of them....we go through many daily struggles with both of hte older children, DS has PDD-NOS so he has his own issues as well as his sister with all her abandonment issues, etc, and DH and I also have a little girl together who is 4.

Why did bio mom walk out on them? Who knows..i'm sure part of it is due to her mental illnesses, and she liked to party and cheat on DH, and just didn't want the responsibility.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Interesting story about the growing number of dead beat moms out in the US now

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,59963,00.html

The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts.

Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.

 

[Amg120499]

My dd's father is one. We are not divorced yet. He left the beginning of last year. I made a deal with him to pay me $1,000.00 cs at the end of the year when his bonus comes in. I got $300.00. I only made this deal with him because if I go after him for CS in cout, he will go after me for Alimony. I can't let that happen.

He does see her now every other weekend. He went months without spending any time with her and then wondered why she wouldn't go willingly.
He has no clue. He had the nerve to call me yesterday to see if I would pay his cell phone bill so it would not get shut off and he would pay me back Friday when he gets paid. Um, NO!!!!!

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with a few other posters, it seems to have a lot to do with the absent parent not being able to seperate the child from the custodial parent. I had a deadbeat dad, but a great stepfather who is MY dad. I saw my 'sperm donor' from time to time up until about 5. We aren't talking week long vacations, an hour here and there. I found him when I was about 21 and spent three hours of my life listening to how it was my mom and dad's fault he never came around. I shudder to think I am genetically linked to the man.

Early in my divorce my ex was really not good about keeping up with the kids. He literally told me he couldn't think of divorce AND speak to the kids. So there you have it. He was much better once the finality settled in and the kids got a little older. He always paid his c/s and now he is not such a bad dad. A little too Disney like for my taste but the kids are smart.

Dh's ex..well, I am not 100% sure. I think, medically there are some issues there, I do think she loves the kids..but responsibility..phew just not her cup of tea. She wants the good with none of the bad I think. Personal opinion. Never has paid any support or even sent the kids a few bucks for their pockets. So, I really don't know if I want to feel sorry for her and her choices or just think there is a medical issue not being addressed that she needs to confront herself.

Kelly

 

[PrincessV]

Funny you should ask... I've been doing battle with my deadbeat ex-H all week! After 8 years of marriage, he walked out on me and our then-8-month-old DS. 7 years later, he rarely pays the court-ordered child support, now owing more than $15K, and last fall moved across the country with no plan for seeing our DS.

Frankly, I wish he'd just abandon him at this point; it would make life a lot easier for our DS. Long story, but my ex was raised in a cult and went back to a lot of its ideals when he walked out. Through therapy, we've only recently discovered that my DS's been being indoctrinated while visiting with his dad and dad's family all these years. Things have improved GREATLY since the ex moved out of state.

 

[disneymarie]

I am divorced from him but have full physical custody (we share legal). Can I still get full legal custody?

I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Marie.

Thank you,

Yes, go to the courthouse Orphans Court. there are papers there to file. There is no need for an attorney. You file them for a hearing and the judge will hear your "modification". They will give you an order based on his lack of ability to provide any legal descions. IF he cannot even make a decision to parent the child he seems to have an inability to make a legal decsion to the health and welfare of that child.

I would have it changed for now due to his conduct of behaviour. Also, that he cannot have visitation unless it is supervised or reviewed for d/childs ability to coop with the frequent absenses.

If your dd was ill and needed surgery, would you have to go looking for him to sign parental consent?

 

[coinkc]

My ex-husband left when my daughter was 2. It's now 11 years later and we have not heard a word from him since except once when she was about 5. He never paid his court ordered child support and for some reason the state decided to try and collect (he had moved half way across the country so that made it even more difficult). The state sent him a letter and he called and told me to tell them to back off.

I didn't...and they never followed through. When my daughter was 5 I terminated his parental rights since we hadn't heard from him in 3 years and there was no way I was going to have him show up randomly or worse yet, gain custody in case something happened to me.

Although the child support order ended with the termination, he still owed for the 3 years before that. About once every couple of months, I get a check...for $11.08. It's our Taco Bell night! (my daughter's favorite place!)

I have NEVER understood how someone who had a very close and seemingly loving relationship with his daughter could pack up a truck and drive away never to be heard from again. I guess he loved himself more than her.

 

[disneymarie]

Funny you should ask... I've been doing battle with my deadbeat ex-H all week! After 8 years of marriage, he walked out on me and our then-8-month-old DS. 7 years later, he rarely pays the court-ordered child support, now owing more than $15K, and last fall moved across the country with no plan for seeing our DS.

Frankly, I wish he'd just abandon him at this point; it would make life a lot easier for our DS. Long story, but my ex was raised in a cult and went back to a lot of its ideals when he walked out. Through therapy, we've only recently discovered that my DS's been being indoctrinated while visiting with his dad and dad's family all these years. Things have improved GREATLY since the ex moved out of state.

When he is gone a year, I would considering to go to the court and file parental abdonment. Always everyone should update and keep orders current to the circumstances. If they are creating an environment of Parental Alienation, the court needs to address that and place in the in the orders for father and family not to discuss court or family issues to the child.

We saw that in order frequently in the orders at our visitation center. THe rules in our center were that if the parent asked what is you mother or father doing, or say anything degrading, they had one warning ever, after that the visit was stopped. If it is in the court order not to discuss, the visit is terminated and the court is given a report of the violation.

 

[livie1205]

My mother used to say that some men (generalization here folks-not every man) only love their children through their wives. Once they have no relationship with the mother of their child, they feel nothing towards the child either.

I don't get it, but my mother's first husband was a personification of this.

THIS IS HOW MY EX IS....his ex g friend just had his baby and she left him and its all about her NOT the baby! That is also how he is with my son.

 

[Aisling]

My mother used to say that some men (generalization here folks-not every man) only love their children through their wives. Once they have no relationship with the mother of their child, they feel nothing towards the child either.

I don't get it, but my mother's first husband was a personification of this.

Wow, this is VERY interesting.

 

[Aisling]

Thank you Pakey (and Ember). I know what you mean. I went through 2 years of hell questioning my existence as a person when my exH threw me away and then people assumed it was my fault. That I wasn't a good enough wife. I almost feel guilty thinking that the more he stays away from us, the more vindicated I feel. Its a bad thought to think.

OMG Please get this kind of thinking out of yor mind. He sounds like a piece of crap. A bum can't appreciate filet mignon when they prefer to eat out of trash cans. You're too good for him.