DD's name & family vent

[mommyof3rookies]

My oldest ds's name is Benjamen, we call him Benje. My grandmother REFUSES to call him Benje , she says thats a dogs name. Now my ds is trying to switch to being called Ben, which is fine (for his friends and teachers and coaches) HOWEVER he will always be Benje to me! I love the name Benjamen, it also my dh's name, I also love the name Ben, that's what we call my dh, but my ds will always be my baby. Oh his other nickname-heathen

 

[surfgirl]

Honestly, I have a really different take on this. I think you lack control by letting them get to you. Who is controlling whom ? Clearly, they are controlling your behavior. Don't let them tweak you like this. If she is an infant, she won't know the difference. Let them do their thing. Don't let them drag you down. Most likely they will stop once you ignore them.

You do know that she WILL get her name shortened to that horrible nickname you hate so much, don't you ? Whether you try to control it or not, a teacher/coach/adult will call her that. If there are two girls in the same class with the same name, one will be shortened. It just is easier. I know many that have been switched whether they wanted to or not. (these are just in this year's DD class)
Madeleine => Maddy
Michael => Mike
Alexandra/Alexis = > Alex/Alexa
Emma/Emily => Em
Matthew => Matt

I don't think that a name makes a person and as a female who will most likely be married sometime, she will decide whether or not to change her name. If she hates her maiden name, she may look forward to that day. I think we have a responsibility to think when we pick a name. And I wouldn't have made the same choice as you because I hate names that rhyme. I love the name Virginia (gma's name), but it has two not nice nicknames (not hard to figure out), so I just couldn't do it.

but this is a posting board and you asked for opinions, sorry if you don't like this, but it is mine.

 

[tinkerlisa]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but your family(and others) should respect your wishes.
I have the same problem with my son. His name is Benjamin but we call him Ben or Benji. I get so angry when people call him BENNY!!! I actually got mad and raised my voice at my mom, sister and step daughter on several occasions. I was nice the first couple of times I asked them not to and to me it shows extreme disrespect that they would not respect my wishes.
What you could do is ask your daughter her preference if she is old enough to say so. My cousin's daughter decided on her own to use Angel instead of her full name, Angelique. She was called Angelique until she was about 5 or so.

 

[surfgirl]

It's a control issue.

My suggestions fight fire with fire.

I agree it is a control issue. Just who is controlling whom ?

I personally wouldn't start WWIII over Sandra vs. Sandy (or whatever). I believe you have to choose your battles and for me, this wouldn't be one of them. Clearly, we differ. that's okay, but I think the OP needs to think about the possible consequences.

 

[joolz1910]

I think that if the people using the nicknames love your children and are just trying to show affection, you should let it go. On reflection though, if the people using the nicknames are doing it to deliberately upset you, then that is nasty - I would want to keep those people at arm's length! It is important to identify the motivation behind the use of nicknames as it is easy to get very defensive when it comes to your children.

 

[dis75ney]

My DS's given name is Nathan, but we have never called him Nathan unless he gets in trouble. It's usually Nate or some other name we've devised (Natedog, Natepoo, Bubba, Stinkerbutt, etc).

However, in school this year, he has a classmate whose given name is Nate (no, not Nathan, not Nathaniel, Nate), so DS volunteered on his own to be called Nathan while at school. He has made is adamantly clear that when he outside of the school boundaries, he is not to be called Nathan. He said he doesn't want to feel like he is constantly in trouble...

What has worked for several friends that have pronunciation problems with their names or prefer their given names has been to simply ignore whoever is talking to them until the other person gets the name right. If it's a pronunciation issue (as one of my friends struggles with), she will correct the pronunciation three times and then start the ignoring. Tends to work pretty well...

 

[Erin1700]

My son's name is Andrew. We picked it because we loved the name Andrew, but could live with Andy or Drew.
HE goes BALLISTIC if someone shortens it.
"My name is Andrew. NO NAME CALLING!"
My FIL refuses to call him Andrew because he likes to rile up a little kid.
Andrew just refuses to answer him.
(This has been going on since Andrew was 3, and he really just won't answer fil. It cracks me up that he is that smart!)
When we registered him for kindergarten last year, I was filling out all the papers. It asked if your child preferred a nickname. I was teasing him, and said "Do you have another name you like to be called?" He said YES! I was really surprised, and said "Really? What do you want to be called?"
He answered "Luke Skywalker!"
I almost fell off my chair laughing!

My DS2 is Andrew David. We have called him Andy since before he was born. Some people insist on calling him Andrew and he says "I not Anshoe"
I just keep calling him Andy. What I did have a HUGE problem with is when MIL came to see him when he was born. I was half out of it and running a fever and we told her his name. We said we wanted him to be called Andy. She says "No, I am going to call him Drew!" She kept insisting on it and I kept saying that is NOT his name. I swear the nurse asked her to leave because she was "trying to be funny" but it was making me so angry!

She has never called him Drew, but often calls him Andrew.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

If you teach your child his/her name (or they name you, as parents, have given him/her) I believe the child will be more likely to correct others or ask to be called by the given name. If in school friends give a nickname or shorten a name (yes, I believe there is a difference between the two) that the child doesn't mind that is one thing. Teachers and coaches should use the name specified by the parents/child unless they ask or the child says, "please call me...."
Parents often take much time and effort in finding the name for their child. The name should be respected, especially when the parents have requested the child be called by the given name.
On the flip side DS has a nickname that started when he was a toddler. He was begging for grapes and DBIL said he was a mooch...it just kinda stuck (mooch, moochy, moo-moo), but only DH, DBIL and I use it.
For the poster who mentioned abotu a cute nickname between a family member and a child. I agree, but then use a nickname not just a shortened version or alternate version of the given name. My dad began calling DS Dj (like what Dan Connor called his son DJ). It was something just between them...until DD was old enought to talk and she picked up on it.

 

[ktcov]

Well if it bothers you than you should say something, but I doubt it will change anything.

I personally dont understand what the big deal is but I like names that can be shortened. I'm Kathryn AND Katie. When I need to be formal than I use my formal names. People that are close to me call me by my nickname. My Grandmother called me Katy-did. When I was 10 I informed her that she misspelled my name (ie not y) and that I was not a bug. She still calls me Katy-did & writes it in my birthday cards. I now love it.

My daughter is Elizabeth. We call her Lizzy. My MIL calls her Tootie...she is a gassy baby. I also knew when I named my daughter that it will likely be shorted in school to Liz, Beth, Betsy, Libby, Betty...etc. Its something I accepted when I named my daughter. I dont like those particular names but its something I accepted when I wrote her name on the birth certificate.

As for rhyming names... Well thats going to be a given in school. If there is something for kids to make fun of, you can bet one of them will. Thats also something I thought about when I named my daughter. But that could be because my maiden name was often shortened to certain female body parts.

 

[luvsJack]

I'd go even farther than anyone who has posted so far. If you can't even give me the very basic amount of respect to call my child what I named them, then you don't need to be part of my child's life, or mine. period.

Wow! I cannot believe the lack of caring for the family unit! Dh and I both care way too much for our families and what they mean to our kids to take this kind of stance over a nickname.

Knowing that dd will grow up knowing how special she is to all of her grandparents and aunts and uncles is much more important than caring about whether they call her "skye" or "sky-lark"(from a favorite uncle) or whatever else can be derived from skyler.

And if my father could be here to love her and watch her grow up he could call her any darn thing he wanted to because I would know that whatever he called her would be from the love only he could give her.

Maybe some people need to let go of a wee bit of control when it comes to other people around their kids.

 

[BC Disney Lover]

And if my father could be here to love her and watch her grow up he could call her any darn thing he wanted to because I would know that whatever he called her would be from the love only he could give her.

luvsJack, that is so true, well put!

 

[mrsklamc]

Wow! I cannot believe the lack of caring for the family unit! Dh and I both care way too much for our families and what they mean to our kids to take this kind of stance over a nickname.

Knowing that dd will grow up knowing how special she is to all of her grandparents and aunts and uncles is much more important than caring about whether they call her "skye" or "sky-lark"(from a favorite uncle) or whatever else can be derived from skyler.

And if my father could be here to love her and watch her grow up he could call her any darn thing he wanted to because I would know that whatever he called her would be from the love only he could give her.

Maybe some people need to let go of a wee bit of control when it comes to other people around their kids.

The family unit I have the most responsibility to is the one that was formed when DH and I got married. My responsibility to teach my child that shared DNA does not entitle someone to treat me with disrespect. I would lay odds that if OPs ILs are this disrespectful about her right to name her child, there are other issues going on.

While I am sorry you lost your father, people do lose people all the time, and the possibility of someone dying does not sway me from the fact that my life, and my child's life, are too short to be wasted spending time with people who would treat me/us in such a manner.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Wow! I cannot believe the lack of caring for the family unit! Dh and I both care way too much for our families and what they mean to our kids to take this kind of stance over a nickname.

Knowing that dd will grow up knowing how special she is to all of her grandparents and aunts and uncles is much more important than caring about whether they call her "skye" or "sky-lark"(from a favorite uncle) or whatever else can be derived from skyler.

And if my father could be here to love her and watch her grow up he could call her any darn thing he wanted to because I would know that whatever he called her would be from the love only he could give her.

Maybe some people need to let go of a wee bit of control when it comes to other people around their kids.

I'm right there with you! I just wish my father had lived long enough to meet his grandchildren, and you can bet he could call them anything he wanted!

Funny how some people see nicknames as a fun family thing, and others see it as a huge control issue. I remember my SIL INSISTING that her oldest be called Cathryn--no nicknames. Fast forward 19 years, the girl has been referring to herself as "Cat" since she started HS!

I never would have chosen the name "Bert", but when DS11 was learning to talk, he called himself Ah-Bert, so Bert has kind of stuck. We loved the name Gabrielle, but knew from past experience that any of our children could have the nickname "Gabby". We used Gabrielle as a middle name.

OTOH, DS2 is Luke. Just Luke. Some days, I tell people it's short for "Lucifer".

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

The family unit I have the most responsibility to is the one that was formed when DH and I got married. My responsibility to teach my child that shared DNA does not entitle someone to treat me with disrespect. I would lay odds that if OPs ILs are this disrespectful about her right to name her child, there are other issues going on.

While I am sorry you lost your father, people do lose people all the time, and the possibility of someone dying does not sway me from the fact that my life, and my child's life, are too short to be wasted spending time with people who would treat me/us in such a manner.

I find it sad that this is a hill you've chosen to die on. It's your choice, though. And please remember that respect is a two-way street.

 

[susykt4]

I named my kids Kaylin and Logan thinking they would both go by their full names with no nicknames. My parents call Logan "Logy" and lengthened Kaylin to (yes, seriously) "Kaylinny." Sigh.

 

[mrsklamc]

I find it sad that this is a hill you've chosen to die on. It's your choice, though. And please remember that respect is a two-way street.

I was speaking hypothetically, so at this point in my life it's not a hill I have chosen to die on. However, there is another issue in our lives that will prevent my BIL from being part of our children's lives if it does not change.

I sincerely do not know what you are getting at when you say respect is a two way street. OP has asked her in laws nicely not to do this, and they persist. In my opinion she has been respectful to them (from what we know) and they persist in being disrespectful to her. If I'm in that situation, the most respectful thing I can do is remove myself and my child.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

OTOH, DS2 is Luke. Just Luke. Some days, I tell people it's short for "Lucifer".

 

[luvsJack]

The family unit I have the most responsibility to is the one that was formed when DH and I got married. My responsibility to teach my child that shared DNA does not entitle someone to treat me with disrespect. I would lay odds that if OPs ILs are this disrespectful about her right to name her child, there are other issues going on.

While I am sorry you lost your father, people do lose people all the time, and the possibility of someone dying does not sway me from the fact that my life, and my child's life, are too short to be wasted spending time with people who would treat me/us in such a manner.

Pssssttt its just a name No one is abusing the child, no one is fighting with the parents, no one is getting drunk and cussing anyone out. It is a nickname.

If this is the biggest fish you or the OP has to fry---you need to seriously thank your lucky stars. And if you would seriously cut ties with family or hurt your family's feelings over a nickname--they are certainly not the ones that need to rethink how they treat people.

Some people will just never know what they have until it is gone. You very well may reach a time in your life when you actually need some of those people you share DNA with. I certainly hope you will not have cut ties with them over something as silly as a nickname.

 

[Carriemel]

Maybe a bit off topic, but I have an Emma Clare. I'm PRAYING that nobody realizes that if she were to use just her first initial and middle name, she'd be a doughnut.... E. Clare. I STILL can't believe I did that.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

How annoying!

My name is Victoria. Not Tori. Not Vicki/Vikki/Vicky. (Ironically, in my case, my grandparents [mom's side] have always been the anti-nickname [father's mum can't even remember my name...])

So, my family calls me Victoria, and my friends call me Victoria.

But there's always someone who wants to call me Vicki/ikki/icky (like the worst-sounding name imo).

However, in the past six or so years, the name "Vics" (or maybe Vix... never spelled it), given to me by my sister's friend stuck. And my family refers to me as Vics. Weird.


Unfortunately, you don't really have any control over what anyone else calls your daughter. You've already communicated your feelings and have received little concern (that is a bit nervy of your family imo). Try one more time explaining to them that you would prefer that they call your daughter by her first name.

Then drop it.

Continue to call your daughter what you want to call her. As for them... you have no control. That can be her family nickname. When enrolling her in school, you can let the teacher know that she is called by her first name (they usually do so anyway, unless told otherwise).