DD17 thinks she can go out every night!

[golfgal]

I never really went out during my senior year (last year), just because I was so busy with everything. I was driving to a town 60 miles away for an area band and orchestra three times a week, and I had multiple extracirriculars that sometimes led past 8:00. Maybe she is wanting to go out later because all of her friends have some sort of sports practice that lasts until 6 or 7. That would mean that she would have only 2 hours with her friends, less for traveling time.

I believe the OP is being a bit unreasonable, and it sounds somewhat like a power struggle for independence. Maybe the OP should try giving her daughter a responsibility (say, an extra chore) along with the privilege of going out maybe 30 minutes later or an extra night, instead of just saying "because I said so." (which seems like it is worsening the relationship between the OP and her daughter) It sounds to me like homework is not an issue, maybe she's finishing it at school (that is what I did), and I got good grades through high school as well.

To me, that IS going out on school nights. Her Dd wouldn't be able to do any of these things according to Mom's rules.

My kids know what they need to do for homework and how long it will take them to get it done. If their grades are good (A's like usual) then there is no reason to restrict what they do in the evenings. They also know how much sleep they need and know when they need to be in bed. They have wonderful time management skills because THEY have been able to figure out on their own how much time things take to complete.

 

[Planogirl]

What is the logic behind being allowed out three nights a week? Is it to make sure that the kid studies enough? Why not four nights?

This type of thinking seems so rigid to me.

 

[golfgal]

What is the logic behind being allowed out three nights a week? Is it to make sure that the kid studies enough? Why not four nights?

This type of thinking seems so rigid to me.

I don't get it either-arbitrary rules make a parent FEEL like they are doing a good job I guess. I agree, why 3, why not 2 or 4???

 

[Art 1]

Didn't read all the posts but I'm not sure why the focus seems to be on grades. There are other reasons why a 17 yr old should be in on school nights.

 

[ols386]

What harm is there in giving this a try? If all the sudden her grades drop, or she's not showing up for school or whatever you can always back track. But yes, if it was my child and there were no other issues, I'd allow my 17 year old senior to manage their own time, just like I am allowed to manage my own time.

Sure she could give it a try.

 

[Art 1]

The highlighted part is what I tell my kids. I want to know where they are going and when they will be back so if something happens I know where to start looking for them. Since they love to watch shows like Criminal Minds my reasoning makes sense to them!



My oldest is in college and has found that the kids that had tighter rules on them during high school are the ones that seem to freak out in college and go nuts.

Mine is finding quite the opposite.

 

[ols386]

I don't get it either-arbitrary rules make a parent FEEL like they are doing a good job I guess. I agree, why 3, why not 2 or 4???

Arbitrary? What does that mean. That parents make-up rules just for the heck of it, with no thought behind it?

We had rules (or whatever you want to call them), but there was a good reason for them, not just because we felt like it.

Do you not think there need to be rules or guidelines in a home? Or should we all just come and go as we please?

I'm all for working with our kids/teens and trying to help them in becoming independent, but they do need guidance.

 

[Planogirl]

Didn't read all the posts but I'm not sure why the focus seems to be on grades. There are other reasons why a 17 yr old should be in on school nights.

What other reasons? I'm not arguing but just curious as to the reasoning for some.

 

[bluesaturn]

Why can't she go out every night? What exactly are you worried about? I think sometimes parents start imposing rules willy nilly because they think they are supposed, without thinking about what they are actually trying to accomplish with the rules.
Especially during senior year, parents often start cracking down because they realize they are losing "control" very soon. But I don't think rules that are just put in place to show you are "still in control" are going to accomplish anything.

Another question, and don't take this the wrong way. But are you lonely when she goes out? Being lonely would be totally natural, but it wouldn't be a reason to keep her home you know.

 

[ols386]

Mine is finding quite the opposite.

Like, "who, what, where, and when".

Not practical for college kids, but for younger kids/teens.

 

[bitohoney]

I don't want her to stay home to keep me company, I have my 3 cats to keep me company... But seriously, that's not why I limit her. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want her to keep me company. I DO have a life...I take kickboxing class twice a week and I get up at 4:30am for work so I go to bed early. During her sophmore and junior years, her grades were not good at all. As a matter of fact, there was an F on her report card and numerous Ds. I assumed it was because she was doing too much. So this year I put a limit on it and it seems to be working. Now of course, school activities do not count. And when I say out, I mean hanging out at friends houses, movies, shopping, eating...
Weekends I'm not strict and most weekends shes out of the house for 8-12 hours a day, with the 12am curfew.
(I'm still keeping the 9pm on school nights curfew until she graduates).

Oh yea, if you think I'm strict, I have a co-worker who has 2 girls ages 9 & 10...they aren't allowed to go to sleepovers nor to have sleepovers.

 

[Acklander]

What other reasons? I'm not arguing but just curious as to the reasoning for some.

LOL - I was wondering the same thing

 

[ols386]

I don't want her to stay home to keep me company, I have my 3 cats to keep me company... But seriously, that's not why I limit her. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want her to keep me company. I DO have a life...I take kickboxing class twice a week and I get up at 4:30am for work so I go to bed early. During her sophmore and junior years, her grades were not good at all. As a matter of fact, there was an F on her report card and numerous Ds. I assumed it was because she was doing too much. So this year I put a limit on it and it seems to be working. Now of course, school activities do not count. And when I say out, I mean hanging out at friends houses, movies, shopping, eating...
Weekends I'm not strict and most weekends shes out of the house for 8-12 hours a day, with the 12am curfew.
(I'm still keeping the 9pm on school nights curfew until she graduates).

Oh yea, if you think I'm strict, I have a co-worker who has 2 girls ages 9 & 10...they aren't allowed to go to sleepovers nor to have sleepovers.

You have to do what you think is in her best interest.

I think you sound like a very conscientious and caring parent.

 

[ols386]

LOL - I was wondering the same thing

I'm sorry, I had to edit. I didn't understand the question until I went back and re-read.

 

[MushyMushy]

Didn't read all the posts but I'm not sure why the focus seems to be on grades. There are other reasons why a 17 yr old should be in on school nights.

Why do they need to be "in"? What do you imagine most 17 year olds are doing with their evenings that's so horrible? A lot of them just go hang out at a friend's house or somewhere else where multiple kids can gather.

When I think back to what I was doing at 17, we were usually sitting in somebody's basement, anywhere from 5-10 of us, watching TV, talking, laughing, being stupid. I would have been absolutely miserable if my parents had given me some random number of days that I could be with my friends every week. 30-some odd years later, those friendships are still going strong.

 

[bitohoney]

You have to do what you think is in her best interest.

I think you sound like a very conscientious and caring parent.

Thank you!

I'm really not that bad. She does a whole heck of a lot! The limit is only during the school year, she didn't have limits during the summer.

 

[ols386]

LOL - I was wondering the same thing

I thought the point the poster was trying to make is that if they are out on school nights (on any night, I suppose) there are things they could be doing that might not be beneficial...like drinking, drugs, or whatever. I think that's where he was coming from, IMO.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't want her to stay home to keep me company, I have my 3 cats to keep me company... But seriously, that's not why I limit her. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want her to keep me company. I DO have a life...I take kickboxing class twice a week and I get up at 4:30am for work so I go to bed early. During her sophmore and junior years, her grades were not good at all. As a matter of fact, there was an F on her report card and numerous Ds. I assumed it was because she was doing too much. So this year I put a limit on it and it seems to be working. Now of course, school activities do not count. And when I say out, I mean hanging out at friends houses, movies, shopping, eating...
Weekends I'm not strict and most weekends shes out of the house for 8-12 hours a day, with the 12am curfew.
(I'm still keeping the 9pm on school nights curfew until she graduates).

Oh yea, if you think I'm strict, I have a co-worker who has 2 girls ages 9 & 10...they aren't allowed to go to sleepovers nor to have sleepovers.

If grades become a factor, I'm the same way. I require only that DS stay on top of things and make sure that his grades are good and then everything else is negotiable.

 

[ols386]

Why do they need to be "in"? What do you imagine most 17 year olds are doing with their evenings that's so horrible? A lot of them just go hang out at a friend's house or somewhere else where multiple kids can gather.

When I think back to what I was doing at 17, we were usually sitting in somebody's basement, anywhere from 5-10 of us, watching TV, talking, laughing, being stupid. I would have been absolutely miserable if my parents had given me some random number of days that I could be with my friends every week. 30-some odd years later, those friendships are still going strong.

Maybe that's what you did when you were 17, but that was 30 years ago. Things have changed a bit. I think it's naive to think that they are all just sitting around watching tv, talking, etc. I think there are a lot of good kids/teens out there, but they certainly are not all that way. And there is the whole peer pressure thing.

 

[Planogirl]

Things might be worse but there was peer pressure and drugs when I was a teen. I saw people take and shoot up just about anything you can think of. I lost friends in wrecks and one fellow od'd on heroin. It's not new.

Would I want DS exposed to all of that? No but I'm not naive to believe that he will never be around it in spite of my best efforts.