DD17 thinks she can go out every night!

[ols386]

Even if she is just going to a game at school, they usually aren't even DONE by 9:00, let alone getting home from that event.

This is how teens learn to fly the coop. You have a very limited time with her home, do you really want to spend your last couple months with her crying in her room and fighting over this? Also, the more you push her, the more she will push back.

Then let her push back. As a parent, we do what we believe is best for our children, AND every child is different. What is good for one, may not necessarily be good for another.

I'm still getting back to the fact that the daughter is allowed to go out 3 nights a week, which seems reasonable to me. There may be exceptions to that, there may be special things that come up, but in general, that seems ok.

 

[ols386]

I guess where I part ways with you is that I don't call them "rules".

We expect consideration and respect to be paramount in our home. If you are late, call, or if it is too late, please spend the night instead of driving home at 2am for our soon to be 20yodd.

This is why they are not "rules" because it is not always possible for my dd to stay over somewhere if she is out late. Now I do not like her driving that late so she does try and be more proactive with plans but you know sometimes that may not pan out.

I see it as courtesy & safety instead of "rules" and my dd's understand that.

Call it whatever you want. Maybe rule isn't the best word, it's just the word I chose. If your dd understands 'courtesy', then that works for her, which is good.

 

[aprilgail2]

We went to a college open house last week and one parent actually asked if there was a curfew and what time are study hours set up and how are they enforced. The guy in charge of housing said these kids need to learn how to monitor themselves and that needed to be taught at a younger age. He said he can easily tell what kids didn't learn that skill beforehand.

Wow---I can't imagine a parent asking about a curfew for their college student...talk about helicoptering!!!

Even if she is just going to a game at school, they usually aren't even DONE by 9:00, let alone getting home from that event.

.

Where I live the starting times for sports get pushed back with age- the little kids get the court times or 6-8 and the jr high kids get 8-9 and then the high school kids get playing times from 9-10:30! So our sports are not even starting before the OP's daughters curfew!
I absolutely hate the phrase "my house my rules" always reminds me of control freaks and I always vowed I would never use that. I am always open for compromise. My daughter will be a senior at 16 so I certainly eel that I have to start giving her some room to grow earlier so she will be ready to be on her own at college by 17.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Call it whatever you want. Maybe rule isn't the best word, it's just the word I chose. If your dd understands 'courtesy', then that works for her, which is good.

Courtesy works because let's face it, young adults sometimes change the game plan up on their friends or something happens unexpected.

You have to give your child the room to be able to make a decision based on their own level of comfort, so if they need to come home or make a change then it is "OK".

I hope that makes it clearer for you what I was trying to say.

Heck, I am the same way with my 14yodd. She knows she can call me if she feels she needs an out. At some point it becomes "rules" to "courtesy" in my home.

My dd's know that I am about them being "safe" and they count on that.

 

[ols386]

Courtesy works because let's face it, young adults sometimes change the game plan up on their friends or something happens unexpected.

You have to give your child the room to be able to make a decision based on their own level of comfort, so if they need to come home or make a change then it is "OK".

I hope that makes it clearer for you what I was trying to say.

Heck, I am the same way with my 14yodd. She knows she can call me if she feels she needs an out. At some point it becomes "rules" to "courtesy" in my home.

My dd's know that I am about them being "safe" and they count on that.

Oh I definitely understand the being safe. That was always my biggest concern when my kids were growing up.

And I agree, they do have to learn to make decisions, and that's where we as parents can help to guide them in learning this.

 

[Acklander]

I am totally not getting staying out on a school night till 11-12!

I don't think the OP's daughter was questioning the time coming home, but wanted to go out every night.

OP, by senior year we had pretty much worked our way into DS being responsible for his own time. He had school/played sports/and had a part time job. Other than that, the only requirement was the "common courtesy" rules i.e. letting us know when to expect him home, letting us know where he was.

Between school work/sports he usually didn't end up going out on school nights unless there was something really special going on, he learned fairly quick that he only had so much energy and he couldn't do it all. Just like in real life, occasionally something really great came up that was worth doing, and being tired the next day, but those were few and far between. I guess if he had abused it we would have stepped in, but it wasn't necessairy.
We didn't limit the number of nights he went out, but let him know if something special was going on at home that required his presence. This system worked out well for us.

 

[Acklander]

Then let her push back. As a parent, we do what we believe is best for our children, AND every child is different. What is good for one, may not necessarily be good for another.

I don't consider a 17 year old senior to be a child. By that age I hope they are doing what is best for themselves, and aren't relying on me to do what is best for them.

 

[ols386]

I don't consider a 17 year old senior to be a child. By that age I hope they are doing what is best for themselves, and aren't relying on me to do what is best for them.

But what worked for your child (or whatever term you want to use), may not work for all. It sounds like your child was mature enough to recognize that, as you said, he only had so much energy, but not all kids/young adults think that way. What worked in your family may not work for all.

 

[jodifla]

I think OP's rules are over the top. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was out almost every night, and my parents didn't question it. I worked three or four nights a week, I was out with friends or studying the other nights. I can't recall what my curfew was, but it certainly wasn't 9, more like 10 or 11. And midnight on weekends or later depending on my work schedule.

And I was a straight A student, even with all this going out, and never got into any trouble.

By the time February hit, the banquets started....my boyfriend and I were out constantly during the week at NHS banguets, yearbook banquets, etc. etc.

I'm really glad my parents didn't ruin my senior year with a lot of silly and unnecessary rules.

 

[DVCLiz]

But what worked for your child (or whatever term you want to use), may not work for all. It sounds like your child was mature enough to recognize that, as you said, he only had so much energy, but not all kids/young adults think that way. What worked in your family may not work for all.

In my opinion, it SHOULD be working for all. If you are at Thanksgiving of senior year and you still can't trust a teen to be responsible for his/her own decision making, you have bigger problems than going out too many times a week. Where have the parents been in teaching this skill for the last 17 years?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, I am with the posters who are asking what is up with parents who have to have such restrictions and control over nearly adult/and even kids into their 20's, and basicly, to some extent, forever. There are threads and posts from parents here on a regular basis that make me go...
I believe that in many (notice the word MANY) cases that this is both issues with 'control' and with 'codependence'.

I don't have to wonder about the OP's post and what her motivations might be.

Sure, it might possibly be that her daughter wants to be gone dawn to midnight every single day...

But, the fact that this situation was a Friday Night, on a Holiday Weekend... that was all I needed to know.

 

[Acklander]

But what worked for your child (or whatever term you want to use), may not work for all. It sounds like your child was mature enough to recognize that, as you said, he only had so much energy, but not all kids/young adults think that way. What worked in your family may not work for all.

It wasn't that my teen was born mature, but that I allowed my teen to make the mistakes and learn from them. Yes, there are going to be teens that this doesn't work for, but the OP states that her DD is a good student and also holds a job, so it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, she should be able to handle it.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Even if she is just going to a game at school, they usually aren't even DONE by 9:00, let alone getting home from that event.

Heck, my coworkers kid (junior in hs) plays hockey and most of his games don't even START until 9:00 (or after)!!!!

 

[ols386]

It wasn't that my teen was born mature, but that I allowed my teen to make the mistakes and learn from them. Yes, there are going to be teens that this doesn't work for, but the OP states that her DD is a good student and also holds a job, so it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, she should be able to handle it.

I see what you are saying.

So should dd be allowed to go out every night of the week, and stay out as long as she wants? Since she's 17, should she be able to come and go as she pleases?

 

[golfgal]

But what worked for your child (or whatever term you want to use), may not work for all. It sounds like your child was mature enough to recognize that, as you said, he only had so much energy, but not all kids/young adults think that way. What worked in your family may not work for all.

Her DD is an honor student and got a scholarship for college, how is it not working out for her??? I don't understand parents that think they need to CONTROL their kids, guide yes, controlling is only a recipe for disaster along the way. All she is doing in ensuring that her DD won't ever want to come home when she goes off to college. If that is the end result the OP wants, great, keep up the power struggle with her DD. If she wants a relationship with her DD down the road, how about recognizing that you have a wonderful DD and give her the freedom she has earned.

 

[ols386]

Yep, I am with the posters who are asking what is up with parents who have to have such restrictions and control over nearly adult/and even kids into their 20's, and basicly, to some extent, forever. There are threads and posts from parents here on a regular basis that make me go...
I believe that in many (notice the word MANY) cases that this is both issues with 'control' and with 'codependence'.

I don't have to wonder about the OP's post and what her motivations might be.

Sure, it might possibly be that her daughter wants to be gone dawn to midnight every single day...

But, the fact that this situation was a Friday Night, on a Holiday Weekend... that was all I needed to know.

The ORIGINAL post was asking "should I limit her on the number of nights per week that the dd can go out?"

I'm thinking that 3 nights a week is reasonable. Sure there will be exceptions and/or special things that might come up. That's perfectly understandable.

 

[ols386]

Her DD is an honor student and got a scholarship for college, how is it not working out for her??? I don't understand parents that think they need to CONTROL their kids, guide yes, controlling is only a recipe for disaster along the way. All she is doing in ensuring that her DD won't ever want to come home when she goes off to college. If that is the end result the OP wants, great, keep up the power struggle with her DD. If she wants a relationship with her DD down the road, how about recognizing that you have a wonderful DD and give her the freedom she has earned.

Maybe the reason things ARE working out for the dd is BECAUSE of the way the mother parents.

You can use the word control if you want, but it doesn't sound to me like she wants to control the dd. It sounds to me like the mother IS guiding her.

I was fairly strict with my kids as they were growing up, and they are very responsible adults now and I have a great relationship with both of them.

 

[Acklander]

I see what you are saying.

So should dd be allowed to go out every night of the week, and stay out as long as she wants? Since she's 17, should she be able to come and go as she pleases?

What harm is there in giving this a try? If all the sudden her grades drop, or she's not showing up for school or whatever you can always back track. But yes, if it was my child and there were no other issues, I'd allow my 17 year old senior to manage their own time, just like I am allowed to manage my own time.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I honestly dont see how you can be a student with REALLY good grades and stay out late every night-unless the school is super easy.

You've got to be kidding me.

 

[yellowlabforever]

I never really went out during my senior year (last year), just because I was so busy with everything. I was driving to a town 60 miles away for an area band and orchestra three times a week, and I had multiple extracirriculars that sometimes led past 8:00. Maybe she is wanting to go out later because all of her friends have some sort of sports practice that lasts until 6 or 7. That would mean that she would have only 2 hours with her friends, less for traveling time.

I believe the OP is being a bit unreasonable, and it sounds somewhat like a power struggle for independence. Maybe the OP should try giving her daughter a responsibility (say, an extra chore) along with the privilege of going out maybe 30 minutes later or an extra night, instead of just saying "because I said so." (which seems like it is worsening the relationship between the OP and her daughter) It sounds to me like homework is not an issue, maybe she's finishing it at school (that is what I did), and I got good grades through high school as well.