DD wants a purity ring

[Pea-n-Me]

I had one of those overly controlling religious parents who thought they had a say in my adult sex life. I kept quiet to them and nodded, and then went out and lived my own life. My mother would have told you that I agreed with her religious beliefs on the subject, when nothing could be farther than the truth. It was sad because it defined a great deal about our relationship or lack thereof.

This type of "misrepresentation" is quite widespread in this purity ring movement, turns out.

I came across this article last night. Pay particular attention to

Vernacular Abstinence as Explained by Teenagers

toward the bottom. (Yes, how teens themselves see them, not their parents!)

http://www.practicalmattersjournal.org/issue/2/analyzing-matters/vernacular-abstinence

Apparently it's not uncommon to take the ring off when it suits you, to have sex but "recommit" to the ring again, and yes, certain types of intimate sexual activity are considered "ok" to many. Makes you just go "hmmm".

Of course, this isn't how it is for everyone. But enough so that trends can be evaluated.

Wouldn't it just be a whole lot easier to "have it in your heart" the way you want to be?

 

[Crystal Brewer]

Wanting to jump back as now I notice some who "understand" Clarifying my pp the young lady I spoke of getting her ring as a gift for Valentine is 16 she has been raised in a culture of Christianity where the meaning of the ring is very well understood by the youth she isn't dating at the moment as she fills her days with school,church activities&sports She has stated plainly tho she encompasses herself with many friends of both gender she WANTS to wait until she has discovered her whole self then find someone who shares her values&interest NOW I'm not saying her life will not take a different path at some point Tho she knows her family,church&community will love&support her in trials&happiness Let me "put it out there" if she chooses to "live" with her bf or birth a child out of wedlock she KNOWS she will still be loved&accepted as will the bf or baby Maybe its "southern" maybe "Christian" maybe neither but our town still lives by "takes a village" so as long as a child has any goal set we as a whole lift them if they fall guess whose there to catch them w/o throwing failure in their face

 

[chobie]

The girl's mom wasn't celebrating anything. She asked her dd what she wanted and her dd told her. They had a long talk about it and her mom made sure her dd talked to the youth director at church and THEN she bought the ring.

The ring isn't for others, its for the wearer. Many people wear jewelry that hold special meaning that no one knows about and the meaning is only important to the person wearing it; same thing here.

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

 

[Acklander]

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

True enough. And why is that a priority? Personally, I'd rather be a kind, giving, compassionate person who happens to be sexually active vs. a hateful, stingy, judgmental virgin. Someone's sexual status doesn't even show up on my list of traits when deciding between a good trait and a bad trait in a person.

 

[jodifla]

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

Great point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

True enough. And why is that a priority? Personally, I'd rather be a kind, giving, compassionate person who happens to be sexually active vs. a hateful, stingy, judgmental virgin. Someone's sexual status doesn't even show up on my list of traits when deciding between a good trait and a bad trait in a person.

two excellent points!

 

[Momvic5]

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

There are such things as "kindness" and "taking care of the poor" necklaces - James Avery, Pandora, etc are all raking in the cash due to message/symbol jewelry. You can find a charm for anything and everything imaginable. People love to wear physical reminders of the things they are committed to or hold dear to them. Chances are - the "purity ring" looks like a simple ring. The only people who will know what it stands for are the girl, her parents, and whoever she shares its meaning with.

We all know what the red hot love bead stands for!!

 

[EMHDad]

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

I understand your concern. There are plenty of jewelry pieces for both guys and girls on a variety of faith beliefs. The purity ring is just one type, although clearly the most talked about one.

As a said before we can discuss the semantics of age all day long (11? 12? 13? etc). However, from a faith and church perspective, it is not forcing a child to be focused on sexuality, but acknowledging that youth are already doing so. Their exposure, discussion, and activity in sex ranging from shocking to regretful. We do sex education with our youth grades 7th-12th (so, I think our youngest has been 12). We notify parents and actually have sex education for the parents as well. I do nnot provide rings personally. Again, my focus is on helping teens understand God's purpose of sex and why it is important to wait. Some of my teens get rings and value them. Some have gotten rings and ignored them. Some have gotten rings and saved themselves for marriage.

The important part is not the ring itself, it is the faithful committment. It is critically that parents of the Christian faith (and possibly others, but not wanting to project my values onto them) and churches are intentional in addressing this with their youth.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

As another poster said, there are other kinds of jewelry for thinks such as kindness and taking care of the poor. I remember that WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) bracelets were very popular when I was in high school. Mormons are well known for the CTR (Choose the Right) rings.

 

[chobie]

There are such things as "kindness" and "taking care of the poor" necklaces - James Avery, Pandora, etc are all raking in the cash due to message/symbol jewelry. You can find a charm for anything and everything imaginable. People love to wear physical reminders of the things they are committed to or hold dear to them. Chances are - the "purity ring" looks like a simple ring. The only people who will know what it stands for are the girl, her parents, and whoever she shares its meaning with.

We all know what the red hot love bead stands for!!

Yes, but those other pieces of jewelry aren't being pushed en masse at youth groups or in churches like these "purity" rings are.

Plus, if you choose not to be kind one day to a person you can still have that as a value. But with the "purity"ring, once that hymen is no longer intact, well, you're impure. Of course my biggest issue is whole idea of pure/impure being tied to one having sex in the first place.

 

[lillygator]

seriously - do most 11 year olds know/discuss sex??

I am so not ready for that...my dd is 10,

 

[Pea-n-Me]

seriously - do most 11 year olds know/discuss sex??

I am so not ready for that...my dd is 10,

Get ready, Mama!

 

[Pigeon]

seriously - do most 11 year olds know/discuss sex??

I am so not ready for that...my dd is 10,

You are probably a few years late, actually.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yeah, seriously (and I think some threads have touched on this, too) age 10/5th grade is really the age you start seeing some "couples" holding hands and "going out" (or whatever it's called today). I was shocked to see it in 5th grade (as a first time parent myself), but there it was. Sixth grade it becomes even more prevalent. Kids need to know what they're dealing with, i.e. to be prepared, even at those young ages, cause it only gets more intense as they get older. There is a lot of pressure on kids today from a sexual standpoint. They're bombarded with it everywhere they turn. Girls have pressure from boys. And boys even have pressure from boys, as kind of a macho thing. They need to have knowledge to withstand the pressure, or they could easily get into something they're ill prepared for.

 

[lillygator]

oh my!! My dd's are in 2nd and 4th...gosh that seems so flippin' young!

 

[luvsJack]

You said the mom picked out a ring and gave it to her dd for her birthday. To me that is "celebrating" your child's choice to abstain. You can call it commemorating or acknowledging, or whatever you like.
And like I said, giving a gift that is associated with your child's sexuality is just odd. I would say the same of a parent who decided to get their child a gift for deciding it was time to have sex with their boy/girlfriend. Some things just don't need a present, KWIM.
I also never argued that the ring is meant for others (although when your purity ring advertises what kind of ring it is, it certainly is meant for others to see). Its the whole commemorating your choice to wait to have sex until you are married with a piece of jewelry that is odd. It just is.

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood your meaning of the word celebrate. I was picturing this big deal of balloons and confetti and the ring being presented in this huge way. Sorry.

It isn't odd to me at all. And I am going to assume not to the people who wear them. The ring nor the promise behind it are going to be for everyone, for many its the right thing to do.

Why a piece of jewelry for this one religious/moral belief? Why not "kindness" rings, or "taking care of the poor" necklaces?

No matter how you slice it, it comes down to a child being focused on her sexuality, and that bothers me on many levels.

They aren't focused on anything. That is not the point.

True enough. And why is that a priority? Personally, I'd rather be a kind, giving, compassionate person who happens to be sexually active vs. a hateful, stingy, judgmental virgin. Someone's sexual status doesn't even show up on my list of traits when deciding between a good trait and a bad trait in a person.

Its not a priority. Their sexual status does not make them a bad person or a good person. Deciding to have sex even if they have the ring does not make them a bad person.

I understand your concern. There are plenty of jewelry pieces for both guys and girls on a variety of faith beliefs. The purity ring is just one type, although clearly the most talked about one.

As a said before we can discuss the semantics of age all day long (11? 12? 13? etc). However, from a faith and church perspective, it is not forcing a child to be focused on sexuality, but acknowledging that youth are already doing so. Their exposure, discussion, and activity in sex ranging from shocking to regretful. We do sex education with our youth grades 7th-12th (so, I think our youngest has been 12). We notify parents and actually have sex education for the parents as well. I do nnot provide rings personally. Again, my focus is on helping teens understand God's purpose of sex and why it is important to wait. Some of my teens get rings and value them. Some have gotten rings and ignored them. Some have gotten rings and saved themselves for marriage.

The important part is not the ring itself, it is the faithful committment. It is critically that parents of the Christian faith (and possibly others, but not wanting to project my values onto them) and churches are intentional in addressing this with their youth.

This, exactly. And from my experience and what I have been told by other parents in other churches, the vast majority do focus on the commitment/promise NOT the ring itself. Having the ring is up to the person who will wear it.

Yes, but those other pieces of jewelry aren't being pushed en masse at youth groups or in churches like these "purity" rings are.

Plus, if you choose not to be kind one day to a person you can still have that as a value. But with the "purity"ring, once that hymen is no longer intact, well, you're impure. Of course my biggest issue is whole idea of pure/impure being tied to one having sex in the first place.

Why are you so sure they are being "pushed"?

You do realize that someone that is not a virgin can still make this commitment, right? If a young girl or boy has had sex many times before, feels that they are not doing the right thing, goes to church and hears the message and decides to be a different person--he or she can still make this commitment and, if they choose, wear this ring.

Many people join a church every day, including teens; some have made bad choices in their lives. No one is going to say "OH NO! You can't join our secret society of ring wearers because YOU did a bad thing." They are accepted just as they are. They are not expected to be perfect before they come to church or after they join the church. And if that teen decides they want to make this commitment REGARDLESS of what has happened in the past, then that is a good thing.

Someone said something about wearing the ring, having sex and then making a new commitment. That may happen. Don't we all make mistakes every day? And its ok. No one is perfect nor should anyone expect them to be.

 

[Momvic5]

Yes, but those other pieces of jewelry aren't being pushed en masse at youth groups or in churches like these "purity" rings are.

Plus, if you choose not to be kind one day to a person you can still have that as a value. But with the "purity"ring, once that hymen is no longer intact, well, you're impure. Of course my biggest issue is whole idea of pure/impure being tied to one having sex in the first place.

In my personal opinion, a purity ring is just a ring - a physical reminder of a personal commitment or a value held dear. It is not a symbol of perfection or of being pure or impure. A teen may decide at 14 to make that commitment and wear the purity ring. At 17, the same teen may have a change of heart. The same goes for a teen that is sexually active and then has a a change of heart. At the end of the day, the ring is still just a ring - and the commitment/value is what is important

 

[chobie]

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood your meaning of the word celebrate. I was picturing this big deal of balloons and confetti and the ring being presented in this huge way. Sorry.

It isn't odd to me at all. And I am going to assume not to the people who wear them. The ring nor the promise behind it are going to be for everyone, for many its the right thing to do.

They aren't focused on anything. That is not the point.

Its not a priority. Their sexual status does not make them a bad person or a good person. Deciding to have sex even if they have the ring does not make them a bad person.

This, exactly. And from my experience and what I have been told by other parents in other churches, the vast majority do focus on the commitment/promise NOT the ring itself. Having the ring is up to the person who will wear it.

Why are you so sure they are being "pushed"?

You do realize that someone that is not a virgin can still make this commitment, right? If a young girl or boy has had sex many times before, feels that they are not doing the right thing, goes to church and hears the message and decides to be a different person--he or she can still make this commitment and, if they choose, wear this ring.

Many people join a church every day, including teens; some have made bad choices in their lives. No one is going to say "OH NO! You can't join our secret society of ring wearers because YOU did a bad thing." They are accepted just as they are. They are not expected to be perfect before they come to church or after they join the church. And if that teen decides they want to make this commitment REGARDLESS of what has happened in the past, then that is a good thing.

Someone said something about wearing the ring, having sex and then making a new commitment. That may happen. Don't we all make mistakes every day? And its ok. No one is perfect nor should anyone expect them to be.

Seems like you're trying to have it both ways: it's a huge thing that you get jewelry for to remind yourself how important it is to stay "pure," but onthe other hand, not so big deal, take the ring off and have all the sex you want until you decide to be "pure" again then out the ring back on.


I guess you're only impure during the act, then as soon as its over you can back to being pure again.

 

[luvsJack]

Seems like you're trying to have it both ways: it's a huge thing that you get jewelry for to remind yourself how important it is to stay "pure," but onthe other hand, not so big deal, take the ring off and have all the sex you want until you decide to be "pure" again then out the ring back on.


I guess you're only impure during the act, then as soon as its over you can back to being pure again.

No I am not trying to have anything both ways.

If the person wearing the ring is a Christian, they are forgiven. Not perfect; forgiven. They are going to stumble and they are going to fall, just like all of us. Does that mean that person cannot be forgiven any longer? Of course not.

Should the person with the ring say "its ok, I can have sex and then make another promise"? Of course not. But, they shouldn't think that they are no longer forgiven or that they have committed the ultimate sin. Just like any other Christian can sin, so can the one wearing that ring.

 

[chobie]

No I am not trying to have anything both ways.

If the person wearing the ring is a Christian, they are forgiven. Not perfect; forgiven. They are going to stumble and they are going to fall, just like all of us. Does that mean that person cannot be forgiven any longer? Of course not.

Should the person with the ring say "its ok, I can have sex and then make another promise"? Of course not. But, they shouldn't think that they are no longer forgiven or that they have committed the ultimate sin. Just like any other Christian can sin, so can the one wearing that ring.

Then why don't you all wear rings that symbolize not engaging in any type of sin? How about ones for gluttony, swearing , stealing?