DD is left out in 3-kid friendship - advice please

[Poohlove]

I agree with the posters who have said to make new friends, that is what I have always encouraged my daughter to do. Unfortunately this kind of thing has continued up through high school. She was close with a group of 4 other girls through middle school but toward the end of 8th grade it seemed like their ostracizing peaked and there was always the odd man out, the only variable was who the odd man was. It was awful to witness and I am glad that she recognized it and moved on. She is still friendly with them but no longer hangs out with them.

I also know of several parents who are all friends and despite their kids being in high school still try to make "play dates" for lack of a better description for their daughters even though they don't want to hang out. It isn't because there are any hard feelings its just that they are all so different and resent the pressure from their parents.

I have a son and a daughter and not to say that my son never had to deal with conflict it is nothing like what girls do to each other. They start young and as @DisneyJules said rarely does it change.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Interesting thread! (Even though my blood pressure began rising just reading it!) I'm not sure there are any "right" or "wrong" answers here, it's just each person's interpretation! And it's really hard to know exactly what type of influence mothers have unless we have an in-depth analysis of their behavior, too - lol! It's interesting to see that some people say, "Let the kids work it out" and others feel the kids should be "directed". We can see how personalities of the individuals involved help shape this in so many ways. (And again, neither right, nor wrong, just different.)

My DD18 is just ending her high school days so it's interesting to look back. In first grade, there were only six girls in her class, but the girl who DD considered her "best friend" didn't invite DD to her bday party even though everyone else was invited (and even though DD had held her hair up while she vomited in school that day, and helped her to the bathroom to clean up, etc.). It was one of the first "hurts" she experienced by other girls. (And I'll never forget the night she told me the story, saying first, she hoped her friend was ok because she'd been sick that day, then softly crying, wondering why she wasn't invited to the party.) I'd asked the teacher about it because the school had a "policy" in place that if one student got invited, all were supposed to be invited, for one thing, so I was surprised it had happened, but I also wanted to know if she had any insight into it. Her response was that she'd noticed it but had no understanding as to why; that she'd thought it was "weird" too. My own feeling was that it was because I was in cancer treatment at the time, and somehow that made the mom uncomfortable, because there really seemed to be no other reason neither I nor DD nor the teacher could figure out. I didn't know the mom at all so I let it go. We moved on. DD at the time was playing sports and had a variety of friends who were both boys and girls, as she has a twin brother so it was natural to hang out with boys sometimes, too.

Fast forward to third grade. DD was in the schoolyard one day and was over with her brother with the boys for a while. When she came back to the girl group, one girl (might fit the category here of "queen bee" type), told DD in front of everyone she was "weird" because she liked boys (exact words, and ironic, too, since this girl went on to let's just say, have a lot of boyfriends), then slapped her across the face! I learned about this after school on a Friday afternoon before a school vacation week, but talked to the teacher, who investigated. Turns out, a schoolyard monitor had witnessed the interaction, and yes, the slapping, but other girl said she'd done it by "accident". (And yes, I pursued it.) Needless to say, this left DD, who is pretty quiet and shy, somewhat devastated (and afraid, and confused, and a lot of other emotions that are hard to capture here). She still hung out with some of the girls who were more like herself. In middle school and high school, she met a lot of new girls and developed some new friendships, but many of them seemed to already have a "best friend" and some of these "best friends" did some pretty hurtful things to DD to keep her at arm's length from their friends. One actually used to send pictures to DD every time she was alone with their mutual friend, always of them laughing and having fun and on amusement rides, etc. DD told her friend she found it hurtful to get these pictures, which were obviously meant to taunt her, but her friend seemed to be enjoying the attention from both sides and never took a stand with her friend. DD eventually ended the friendship after a particularly brutal weekend of "pictures".

Another issue that I think was difficult was the "cafeteria" issue of having a finite number of seats at a table, and this was the case for both boys and girls. Saving of seats, and excuding others caused lots of hurts on a daily basis, with lots of kids. (I know when I was growing up, both schools I attended had really long tables so that exclusion really wasn't an issue in the cafeteria, but it is if there are only 8 seats at a table. I think designers of schools should consider this more.) And lastly, "partnering" is really difficult for many kids. It is cutthroat! In looking around the college campus of the school DD eventually chose, one of the things that she liked about it was seeing women comfortable eating alone, or sitting/walking alone, without clinging to eachother, which is one of the things that drover her crazy in HS. There are literally girls who cannot even walk to the trash can to throw their trash away without having another girl go with them. Or to the bathroom. Or anywhere, really. DD is pretty comfortable with doing her own thing and doesn't need anyone as a crutch, so she's tended to form friendships with older people over the past few years to get away from this type of behavior. She's got mixed emotions leaving high school. On the one hand, she's sentimental, but on the other, she's anxious to move on.

Oh, I totally agree!!! My DD11's middle school has seats like this. 8 (or 10) round seats per table. No possibility to squish in to fit another girl. It is so stressful for these kids! I know, I know....it's really a little thing in the scheme of life, but to a 6th grader, it's HUGE. Thankfully my DD has landed in a group of girls who are kind and thoughtful - so when they ran into the 8-seat table problem and there were 11 girls, they decided to split up between two tables and go 5-6, and let other kids sit with them as well, so now they are able to go back and forth between the two tables daily and sit wherever there is an open seat, and they also got to know other girls and became friends with them. Win-win, and no stress!

On the other hand, I was talking to the mom of a girl who is kind of on the fringes of the mean girls group, and on the first day of school when there was a mad rush to get tables, her DD got a seat and was asked (told) by one of the girls higher on the social ladder "Can you move over so that I can sit next to so-and-so?" The girl agreed (what choice did she have??) and by the time she got around to the other side of the table, all the seats were taken and she had nowhere to sit. She had to take her lunch and sit somewhere else with kids that were not in her group. She went home and cried and cried. And these girls are supposed to be her FRIENDS!!! Ugh.

 

[pooh4evr]

I have 3 daughters, 15, 13 and 9. Honestly if it is bothering you and her this much, I would just move on. Kids need to be able to move through different social groups and learn to make friends on their own without parents forcing things, or making their friends for them. Getting her into other activities, outside of the school group can be a great thing too. Growing up is HARD, it is very difficult and at times gut wrenching to see your kids go through all the drama, but if they can find a way to get through it themselves they will be stronger and more confident after. Besides 7 and 8 yr old girls are fairly flighty and tomorrow might be totally different!

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with everyone else. Something similar happened to DD15 when she was around the same age. It didn't bother DD much, but it took a long time until we all figured out what was going on and it turned in to a big mess. Girl A was manipulating the entire situation, trying to control everyone. It got so bad that DD, Girl A and Girl B could not ever spend time together. And when they would spend time one on one with Girl A, Girl A would trash talk the other girl, even in front of her parents. I got a nasty phone call from Girl B's mom (who is a friend of mine) saying that DD was bullying her in third grade. I spent a lot of time trying to hash it all out with DD, and I could not for the life of me figure out what DD was doing that would be considered bullying. It turns it was all Girl A's doing.

It took until 8th grade for DD to decide enough was enough. She made new friends, joined activities that Girl A did not participate in, and developed wonderful relationships with new people. It changed DD's life, for the better.

Good luck, OP. Raising girls is hard.

 

[design_mom]

I agree with most about 1) trying to get the real story; 2) if things are as they seem, draw away from Girl A (and her mom) and encourage your daughter to make other (better) friends.

When my daughter was younger she often complained that other kids were mean to her and didn't want to play -- especially in larger groups. However, the biggest issue was that my daughter didn't want to compromise. The conversation often went something like:
My daughter: "Let's play Legos!"
Other child: "We want to play princesses! Let's all play princesses."
My daughter: "I don't want to play princesses. I want to play Legos."
Other child: "Okay. See you later then."
My daughter: "They won't play with me!"

For myself, I found myself with a number of "fair weather friends" over the years. The ones who were happy to make plans, unless something better came up... at which point, I'd be dropped like a hot potato. I think it takes a certain amount of self esteem, that I must not have had at the time, to be able to say "Never mind. I don't need this." but I was so much happier once I did.

I also agree with the lunch table situation at middle school. Most of my kids' middle school drama so far has revolved around those lunch tables. Our school's tables are round and they have 8 little stools attached, so there's no way to squeeze in an extra body.

The school tries to minimize the lunch time drama by having assigned tables. Every other Monday is a "free day" and you can sit wherever you want. But once you sit down, that's your table for the next two weeks. If you have a "good table" then it's great. If you don't like your table, it can be a long two weeks. It's not ideal, but at least it's not a mad scramble to claim your spot EVERY day. But on those free days, there's an incredible amount of strategy involved. You don't want to be the first in your lunch room because if you are seated, and another group comes in and claims the remainder of your table, you're stuck. If you're last, and there are no seats left at your friends' table, you're out. Everybody wants to be in the middle -- so they know what they're committing to, but there are still seats remaining at their desired tables. However, it's logistically impossible for everyone to be in the middle.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The school tries to minimize the lunch time drama by having assigned tables. Every other Monday is a "free day" and you can sit wherever you want. But once you sit down, that's your table for the next two weeks. If you have a "good table" then it's great. If you don't like your table, it can be a long two weeks. It's not ideal, but at least it's not a mad scramble to claim your spot EVERY day. But on those free days, there's an incredible amount of strategy involved. You don't want to be the first in your lunch room because if you are seated, and another group comes in and claims the remainder of your table, you're stuck. If you're last, and there are no seats left at your friends' table, you're out. Everybody wants to be in the middle -- so they know what they're committing to, but there are still seats remaining at their desired tables. However, it's logistically impossible for everyone to be in the middle.

That sounds awful!

 

[Disney Doll]

There are always going to be mean people.

Best thing to do is gently steer DD towards other people.

"Lilacs" is pretty much spot on in everything she says.

Why does this happen? Because in the past 30 years children have become the focus of the family instead of part of the family. Parents create these monsters. Everybody gets an award. Everybody makes the team. The kids have enormous egos because the message they have been hearing all
Their lives is "you are better than everyone else and should be treated that way at all times".

 

[Hikergirl]

There are always going to be mean people.

Best thing to do is gently steer DD towards other people.

"Lilacs" is pretty much spot on in everything she says.

Why does this happen? Because in the past 30 years children have become the focus of the family instead of part of the family. Parents create these monsters. Everybody gets an award. Everybody makes the team. The kids have enormous egos because the message they have been hearing all
Their lives is "you are better than everyone else and should be treated that way at all times".

I was a kid 30 years ago and this was not how I was raised. Like you said there are always going to be mean people, this kind of thing was happening way before 30 years ago and its going to happen way after another 30 years goes by.

 

[mjkacmom]

I was a kid 30 years ago and this was not how I was raised. Like you said there are always going to be mean people, this kind of thing was happening way before 30 years ago and its going to happen way after another 30 years goes by.

Like it or not, this is human nature. The difference is, there is a lot more parental involvement today, which isn't helpful.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I very much agree with the above!

Yes, parents can and do make this worse. Especially in our current culture of overinvolved, helicopter, live-vicariously-thru-my-kids, parenting.
But, human nature is what it is.
That little three year old mean-girl queen bee that I had described was just three!

 

[sk!mom]

There are always going to be mean people.

Best thing to do is gently steer DD towards other people.

"Lilacs" is pretty much spot on in everything she says.

Why does this happen? Because in the past 30 years children have become the focus of the family instead of part of the family. Parents create these monsters. Everybody gets an award. Everybody makes the team. The kids have enormous egos because the message they have been hearing all
Their lives is "you are better than everyone else and should be treated that way at all times".

I agree that there will always be mean people and the only real solution for OP is steering her child towards new friends.

Because I agree with your first statement, I disagree with the second. Yes, some parents are over involved but they did not "create these monsters" because as you said, there are always going to be mean people. We might even say that the OP is over involved to still be orchestrating friendships once her child is in school.The only real difference that I see is that in my childhood, parents were generally less micromanaging and involved in the day to day minutiae of childhood. The same things were issues for me, my mom just didn't get involved.

 

[Hrhpd]

I agree with most about 1) trying to get the real story; 2) if things are as they seem, draw away from Girl A (and her mom) and encourage your daughter to make other (better) friends.

When my daughter was younger she often complained that other kids were mean to her and didn't want to play -- especially in larger groups. However, the biggest issue was that my daughter didn't want to compromise. The conversation often went something like:
My daughter: "Let's play Legos!"
Other child: "We want to play princesses! Let's all play princesses."
My daughter: "I don't want to play princesses. I want to play Legos."
Other child: "Okay. See you later then."
My daughter: "They won't play with me!"

I was going to post something very similar. I volunteered on the 1st-3rd playground for a long time at the local elementary school.

There was always more to the story when a child came over to us upset and saying a group of girls (or boys) were being mean and wouldn't let them play.

90% of the time it was that they weren't letting the person play exactly what they wanted.

The one I got a lot was that the group was role playing some tv show or characters. The complaining girl wanted to be a certain character but there was already somebody playing that character. The girl would come over, crying that the group was excluding her, but in reality the wanted her to play but just a different role in the scenario.

3 girls are playing My Little Pony.
Girl #1 claimed Rainbow Dash.
Girl #2 claimed Pinky Pie.
Girl #3 also wanted to be Pinky Pie. But since Girl #2 was already Pinkie Pie, they suggested that Girl #3 pick another Pony. Nope, she wanted to be Pinky Pie and no other pony would be acceptable.

Girl #3 runs over to recess monitor in full tears saying Girl #1 and Girl #2 are being mean and won't let her play and won't let her be part of the group. In reality, they won't let her be Pinkie Pie, but do want her to play with the, just to pick a different Pony.
(This happened in real life although I may have the ponies wrong.)

Not saying that this is what happened to the OP's daughter, but it was the norm in most complaints about being excluded. They weren't really being excluded, they just wanted the girl to play a different role in the group. With the boys it was always the superheroes. Two boys wanted to be the same superhero.

Or it could be rules in a game. Somebody scored some points, but was not part of the rules the group agreed on. So the group would tell the person, nope, that doesn't count. Child would come running, crying that they were being mean to him/her. We would go over and query the group if the rules were agreed on (we usually knew what the rules were that the kids had agreed on since we watched the games carefully) and again, it was somebody who didn't want to be part of the group but wanted to run the group and change the rules.

 

[sk!mom]

I agree with most about 1) trying to get the real story; 2) if things are as they seem, draw away from Girl A (and her mom) and encourage your daughter to make other (better) friends.

When my daughter was younger she often complained that other kids were mean to her and didn't want to play -- especially in larger groups. However, the biggest issue was that my daughter didn't want to compromise. The conversation often went something like:
My daughter: "Let's play Legos!"
Other child: "We want to play princesses! Let's all play princesses."
My daughter: "I don't want to play princesses. I want to play Legos."
Other child: "Okay. See you later then."
My daughter: "They won't play with me!"

Very good point. I'm an elementary school teacher and this is very common and something that I hadn't thought of. Very, very often when kids complain of being left out it is the above situation. The complainer has not learned to compromise and refuses to play what the others have agreed on. OP, if you are still reading, you might think about that and see if your DD needs some help in that area.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Very good point. I'm an elementary school teacher and this is very common and something that I hadn't thought of. Very, very often when kids complain of being left out it is the above situation. The complainer has not learned to compromise and refuses to play what the others have agreed on. OP, if you are still reading, you might think about that and see if your DD needs some help in that area.

This is somewhat dangerous territory on the adults part, though. Yes, I agree - PP, by all means, self-reflect to make sure your DD has the social tools to succeed, and guide her appropriately.

However, DO NOT for one second internalize Girl A's bad behavior as your DD's problem. From what you described, especially with the amusement park situation and the mother's reactions, this smacks of typical "Mean Girl-Ness" that has nothing to do with your DD.

Mean girls are mean because they are either A. naturally that way, B. were raised that way, or C. have been able to get away with it.

But at no time should we assume the behavior of these kinds of children the fault of the girl on the receiving end. In the case of the ponies, for example, it could be that Girl C doesn't want to compromise on having the green pony, or it COULD be that Girl A "always" gets the pink one, and her bestie sidekick "always" gets the purple one, and they agree together that Girl C can get the leftover green one. They don't care if she plays with them, but it will be by THEIR rules, so to the teacher, it sounds reasonable: "Mrs. Smith, we want Carrie to play with us, but she doesn't want to. I already picked the pink one and Megan picked the purple one. The green one is the only one left, but SHE doesn't want it". Ms. Smith thinks this sounds reasonable, and after all, Ms. Pink pony and Megan always seem fine when they are by themselves; it's only when Carrie tries to play that there is a problem. So, Ms. Smith says to Carrie "If you want to play with these two girls, you must learn to compromise. You can play with the green one." (and Voila`! The beginning of the mean-girl social hierarchy was just reinforced by the teacher in a Kindergarten classroom). As the adults, we need to make sure we are seeing the whole picture, and not just jumping on the squeaky wheel.

And I can see the inability to compromise happening more in preschoolers and Kindergartners, but by 2nd/3rd grade, kids have usually learned to compromise somewhat. At least enough for the adults to be able to figure out where the real issue lies.

Two stories:

I have an older sister by 14 months and an aunt who is close enough in age to be a sister. When the three of us would get together when we were little, sister and aunt would constantly gang up on me. They would be Girl A and Girl B with the pink and purple ponies. I got the leftover one with the bad hair and the stains LOL. Most of the time, because I wanted to play with them, I would take what I could get. Every once in a while, I would say that I wanted a turn with the pink one. Of course I didn't get my turn - the "mean girls" ruled the toybox. I would cry to my mother or grandma, and then *I* was being the difficult one who couldn't compromise or share properly. Same story with every situation with them - I was ALWAYS the one who got the leftovers. Soon, I was tired of it, and by the time I was about 7-8 or so, I stopped trying to hang out with them and just read a book at my Grandma's house instead LOL Nobody ever stood up for me, and it just wasn't worth it!!


My DD was never meant to be a mean-girl follower. When situations arose like the above, she would walk away and play something else by herself. She wasn't going to compromise, and she wasn't going to do anything she didn't want to do! I used to have to have the opposite talk with her "You know, E, it IS ok to do things other girls want, too. It's ok to follow sometimes, and to lead sometimes. The best leaders know when it's ok to follow." Then I thought to myself, what the heck are you doing??!! Here you have this independent, totally fine doing things on her own girl, and you are telling her to go along with the crowd so she doesn't get left out! So, I stopped. I told her after that - "If you don't want to do something, that is fine, as long as you are OK with the people who *do* want to do it, to do it without you." She would shrug and say "OK" LOL She was totally fine with it, and still is to this day. The mean girls in her school leave her alone because they know they don't hold power over her. She talks to them and gets along with them, but they know they will never be able to make her do anything she doesn't want to do. And her true friends respect her decisions and she respects theirs.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I agree that there will always be mean people and the only real solution for OP is steering her child towards new friends.

Because I agree with your first statement, I disagree with the second. Yes, some parents are over involved but they did not "create these monsters" because as you said, there are always going to be mean people. We might even say that the OP is over involved to still be orchestrating friendships once her child is in school.The only real difference that I see is that in my childhood, parents were generally less micromanaging and involved in the day to day minutiae of childhood. The same things were issues for me, my mom just didn't get involved.

I agree - although not about the OP's over-involvement. I think it might get taken that way because this is a discussion board and the only context we know her in as a parent, but I'd guess that she isn't saturating her entire life with managing her DD's friendships. I'm sure the same could be said about me on this thread - holy cow, is this all this woman thinks about??!! LOL But no...it isn't. It's a VERY small part of my everyday world that I share with my DD. But one that, when brought up, I feel very strongly about.

I also get what Disney Doll is saying - parents think their kids are amazing and the star of everything. I don't think this is a new concept, but we certainly do see to be hearing more about it these days than in the past.

I think the parenting factor might also be further explained like this:

1. Kids learn by example. Their biggest example is their parent. Good or bad.
2. Some parents are so happy that their kid is "fitting in" or not being bullied, that they fail to see, or ignore, the signs that their child is not being nice all the time.
3. A lot of parents would rather have the "mean girl" for a daughter than have their daughter being picked on by the mean girl.
4. The parent WAS the mean girl, and doesn't see anything wrong with her DD's behavior. She was the same way in school.

Heck, I'l admit full disclosure here and say that when I first started noticing my DD's social groups forming among her peers, I fleetingly thought to myself - "If I play this game right with the moms, my DD could totally be in the "popular" group (aka mean girls)". Then I slapped myself LOL and thought "Good lord, there is NO WAY I'm going to do that!" I made the conscious decision to remember what kind of person I was trying to raise and not let climbing the social ladder get in the way. And I reminded myself that this was DD's life and not mine, and backed out of that game before I even started.

But for some people, the struggle (game) is real. And it very much affects how they react (or don't react) to a situation involving their daughter.

 

[cabanafrau]

This is somewhat dangerous territory on the adults part, though. Yes, I agree - PP, by all means, self-reflect to make sure your DD has the social tools to succeed, and guide her appropriately.

However, DO NOT for one second internalize Girl A's bad behavior as your DD's problem. From what you described, especially with the amusement park situation and the mother's reactions, this smacks of typical "Mean Girl-Ness" that has nothing to do with your DD.

Mean girls are mean because they are either A. naturally that way, B. were raised that way, or C. have been able to get away with it.

But at no time should we assume the behavior of these kinds of children the fault of the girl on the receiving end. In the case of the ponies, for example, it could be that Girl C doesn't want to compromise on having the green pony, or it COULD be that Girl A "always" gets the pink one, and her bestie sidekick "always" gets the purple one, and they agree together that Girl C can get the leftover green one. They don't care if she plays with them, but it will be by THEIR rules, so to the teacher, it sounds reasonable: "Mrs. Smith, we want Carrie to play with us, but she doesn't want to. I already picked the pink one and Megan picked the purple one. The green one is the only one left, but SHE doesn't want it". Ms. Smith thinks this sounds reasonable, and after all, Ms. Pink pony and Megan always seem fine when they are by themselves; it's only when Carrie tries to play that there is a problem. So, Ms. Smith says to Carrie "If you want to play with these two girls, you must learn to compromise. You can play with the green one." (and Voila`! The beginning of the mean-girl social hierarchy was just reinforced by the teacher in a Kindergarten classroom). As the adults, we need to make sure we are seeing the whole picture, and not just jumping on the squeaky wheel.

And I can see the inability to compromise happening more in preschoolers and Kindergartners, but by 2nd/3rd grade, kids have usually learned to compromise somewhat. At least enough for the adults to be able to figure out where the real issue lies.

Two stories:

I have an older sister by 14 months and an aunt who is close enough in age to be a sister. When the three of us would get together when we were little, sister and aunt would constantly gang up on me. They would be Girl A and Girl B with the pink and purple ponies. I got the leftover one with the bad hair and the stains LOL. Most of the time, because I wanted to play with them, I would take what I could get. Every once in a while, I would say that I wanted a turn with the pink one. Of course I didn't get my turn - the "mean girls" ruled the toybox. I would cry to my mother or grandma, and then *I* was being the difficult one who couldn't compromise or share properly. Same story with every situation with them - I was ALWAYS the one who got the leftovers. Soon, I was tired of it, and by the time I was about 7-8 or so, I stopped trying to hang out with them and just read a book at my Grandma's house instead LOL Nobody ever stood up for me, and it just wasn't worth it!!


My DD was never meant to be a mean-girl follower. When situations arose like the above, she would walk away and play something else by herself. She wasn't going to compromise, and she wasn't going to do anything she didn't want to do! I used to have to have the opposite talk with her "You know, E, it IS ok to do things other girls want, too. It's ok to follow sometimes, and to lead sometimes. The best leaders know when it's ok to follow." Then I thought to myself, what the heck are you doing??!! Here you have this independent, totally fine doing things on her own girl, and you are telling her to go along with the crowd so she doesn't get left out! So, I stopped. I told her after that - "If you don't want to do something, that is fine, as long as you are OK with the people who *do* want to do it, to do it without you." She would shrug and say "OK" LOL She was totally fine with it, and still is to this day. The mean girls in her school leave her alone because they know they don't hold power over her. She talks to them and gets along with them, but they know they will never be able to make her do anything she doesn't want to do. And her true friends respect her decisions and she respects theirs.

I've witnessed those types of situations going on before, watched the adults in charge intervene (very well intentioned interventions) and thought, hey, they're completely overlooking that A and B always elect to work together, feeling entitled to dictate the terms to C, who is getting more and more frustrated. Frequently those patterns get established and the attitudes of the adults looking on become ingrained to accept that A and B play well with others, while C is difficult, a perspective that might not hold up under more review.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Those mean girls who have been blessed with these skills are MASTERFUL at 'ruling the toybox and excluding others'....
They know just exactly how to do this, right under most parents noses, while making it look like the other kid(s) are the ones who are the one with the problem.

I was good at sitting back to the back and watching, more than the kids realized.
Both the little 3 year old mean-girl and that boy who ended up jumping my son, were constantly and purposefully 'ruling the toy-box' and, yes, excluding others.
Saw it many many many times over.
Both kids got away with it. And that boy even went as far to go running to his mommy and claiming that I was the one bullying him, when I power-walked up and said "GET OFF HIM".

Sure, there are the 'whiners' who try to whine, to adults, to get their way.
Kids are young and immature.
But, most often than not, some ongoing observation tells the whole story!!!!

 

[SaintsManiac]

There are always going to be mean people.

Best thing to do is gently steer DD towards other people.

"Lilacs" is pretty much spot on in everything she says.

Why does this happen? Because in the past 30 years children have become the focus of the family instead of part of the family. Parents create these monsters. Everybody gets an award. Everybody makes the team. The kids have enormous egos because the message they have been hearing all
Their lives is "you are better than everyone else and should be treated that way at all times".

Indeed. There is now a fine line between loving/caring for your children and becoming obsessive about them. I see the line crossed more these days than ever. Kids are being raised in bubbles. It's crazy.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

No advice from me.

I just want to share that as a mom with some social anxiety and two small girls (newborn and 2 years old), this thread is stressing me out! I'm praying I can raise my girls to be kind and compassionate to others, and to be the type of girls that nice friends will be drawn to.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Don't worry!!! I am sure that they will take after their wonderful mother!