DD hates me

[ems_mom]

I screwed up big time. My DD (26) calls me every day on her way to work.

I hadn't heard from her since Tuesdays call. We usually talk every day.

I called twice Wednesday and and again today. Then I started calling once an hour. All straight to voice mail.

So after working myself up and talking to my DH, I called her work (she is #2 in charge), shes off but her boss might know where she is. Well, he's not in... I talk to two other supervisors. The one I know, I ask if she's heard from my daughter. She says she will talk to the people in the company she knows my daughter is friendly with.

Long story short....DD phone was broken. No calls in or out. That is she could see incoming calls from me, but had no voice mail and couldn't answer.

Anyway, she borrowed a phone to tell me she hate, hate, hates me and will never speak to me again. I've ruined her position at her work, embarrassed her, etc.

So, I know I did wrong, but how do I fix it?

What is the acceptable number of days to not hear from your adult child?

 

[si-am]

I talk to my mom every day. If she didn't hear from me (and I hadn't told her ahead of time I'd be unavailable), I'm sure she'd freak out and do the same thing you did. In fact, if my phone were broken, I'd at least email her and let her know what's going on.

If your daughter had established a routine of calling every day and then suddenly gets mad at you for checking up on her, then she's kind of being a brat.

 

[LuLuO]

I don't think you were in the wrong. She calls you every day and then missed two days. You tried to call her multiple times. She knew you were calling her and should have used her office phone to call you and let you know that she was fine and that her phone was broken.

I'd just let her cool off. It will be okay. (((hugs)))

 

[Jennasis]

She's just in a snit. I fail to see how her position has been ruined because of your concern and calls. Just let her cool off for a few days and see if she calls you (or call her after a few yourself).

 

[Cantw8]

I don't think you did anything wrong. You didn't hear from her and were worried. For being 26, she sounds very immature. I'm finding it hard to believe that she couldn't understand your worry and concern given that you talk every day Don't beat yourself up, you're a mom and caring about our kids is what we do

 

[Magic Mom]

I can maybe see her being slightly annoyed that you called her work, but she is acting like a preteen telling you she "hates, hates, hates" you. That is ridiculous. She needs to grow up.

 

[postage stamp]

I've been in supervisory positions in jobs before and a parent calling me to tell me they hadn't heard from their child (no matter how old) when it was normal for them to talk every day wouldn't reflect negatively on that employee. I'd be glad they had someone who loved them and was concerned for them.

 

[kwelch10377]

I think it totally depends on the relationship. For me, I am not a big phone person and neither is my mom and we maybe talk once a week, if that. If you talked everyday, then I would be concerned after 2 or 3 days of not hearing from her though.

I don't blame you for calling her work, but I think I would have tried to email her first or try and talk to a friend before I called her work. Normally if she hasn't shown up for work and hasn't called they would call you if you are her "in case of emergency" contact. I will say though that I only have my cell phone and twice it has stopped working and both times I just sent my mom and dad and email saying that it was broken and to email me or call work if you needed me.

I understand why she is upset, but I understand your concern. I think you just need to continue to say that you are sorry and explain why you did it and that while she is an adult you are still her mom and that you were just worried and didn't know what else to do.

 

[joviroxx]

I dont think you did anything wrong. She should get over it. I speak to my mother 4-5 times a week. If she hasnt heard from me in 2 days and couldnt get a hold of me, she would worry. I would certainly make sure to call her and let her know I was ok.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I would have done the same thing, and if she hates you for it that's crazy. You were just worried about her. She will cool off and everything will be fine.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I talk to my mom every day. If she didn't hear from me (and I hadn't told her ahead of time I'd be unavailable), I'm sure she'd freak out and do the same thing you did. In fact, if my phone were broken, I'd at least email her and let her know what's going on.

If your daughter had established a routine of calling every day and then suddenly gets mad at you for checking up on her, then she's kind of being a brat.

And at age 26, if the quote of how she hates mom is accurate---you just don't say that to your mother at that age. She isn't 12.

OP, maybe just apologize the next time she calls you. I wouldn't call her for a few days as it could just make things worse. If she is #2 at whatever she does for a living, I don't trust that yOu sincerely caused too much trouble. She may be blowing this way out of proportion. She certainly could have found an alternate means of communication to just let you know her phone was broken.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would be really annoyed if my mom called me at work looking for me but I would not stomp my foot saying I hate you I hate you I hate you! Where I work if a mom called like that it would really take a LONG LONG time for the co workers to stop razzing you!

 

[Tinkh]

I would say that you were worried and that she could have borrowed a phone BEFORE the "i hate you" phone call just to say that she was ok. Then, I would say that she could go get bent for EVER talking to me that way and to contact me when she wants to act like an adult and a decent human being. Then say love you bye.

 

[postage stamp]

I would say that you were worried and that she could have borrowed a phone BEFORE the "i hate you" phone call just to say that she was ok. Then, I would say that she could go get bent for EVER talking to me that way and to contact me when she wants to act like an adult and a decent human being. Then say love you bye.

 

[scottishduffy]

Seriously?

You talk every day, there was a change to that pattern with no response from her. Of course you start trying to contact her. Calling every hour seems a bit much, but calling work seems like a reasonable way to see if she is keeping up with other things in her life. Same thing happened to DH and I once.... but we just laughed at it.

DH talks to his Dad every day. Whenever we travel we always call to say we arrived at said place. About 3 yrs ago (we were 26 yrs old...) we took a disney trip, drove up from Miami. We get there and realize his phone is almost dead and we forgot to pack the charger. No biggie, we had called his Dad from the road shortly before arriving so we turned off the phone and would check it in a couple days.

We turned the phone off on Sunday, come Wednesday morning we turn on the phone to over 25 messages! Multiple calls from his dad. My parents calling us asking where we are. Our good friend K left a hysterical message about how everyone is worried and searching for us! Our friend J, a CM, left a calm message telling us DH's parents are afraid we died. J thankfully looked up our hotel reservation and confirmed we checked in, but i guess the restaurants didn't check us off when we checked in for out ADR's so in the computer it looked like we had missed several ADR's. Everyone was in a snit and the last message said to call within 2 hours or else Orlando PD was being called. That is when a knock came at the Hotel room door.... the front desk had been called by concerned family members to come check on us.

Now, we thought his parents over reacted a bit. They called my entire family and all our good friends to check on us. Everyone got hysterical and wound up. BUT.... we understood. DH talked to his Dad everyday and that changed. He had no clue the phone died and we talked to him before check in, not after safely checking in. In the end, we decided it was nice to know we always had people looking out for us. Kinda felt loved in a weird way. DH actually put a GPS function on his phone shortly after this that we turn on when we travel! It's shows where we are within a 5 foot radius so his Dad can see online that we are alive. Ya know, in case 'it's a small world' breaks down and all the cherubic children turn into a murderous animatronic blood-thirsty horde.

 

[*JoGo*]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm assuming you don't live near each other? If it was within driving distance, I would've popped over to her place and made sure all was well.

Here's a similar story for you...
my husband was 18. lived on his own, in one of his grandpa's rentals out in the boonies. big snow storm, car won't start, phone line is out. 3 DAYS go by... he finally runs out of food (remember, he's single and young = fast food a lot!) and realizes his dad isn't going to come check on him. he wraps his feet in plastic bags, bundles up, and walks 2+ miles in the snow to his dad & stepmom's.

did i mention he works for his dad? so he didn't show up for 3 consecutive days, and his dad doesn't bat an eye. good job.

 

[Alesia]

So, I know I did wrong, but how do I fix it?

Well, that depends. What exactly did you say when you called? Were you calm or upset?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I screwed up big time. My DD (26) calls me every day on her way to work.

I hadn't heard from her since Tuesdays call. We usually talk every day.

I called twice Wednesday and and again today. Then I started calling once an hour. All straight to voice mail.

So after working myself up and talking to my DH, I called her work (she is #2 in charge), shes off but her boss might know where she is. Well, he's not in... I talk to two other supervisors. The one I know, I ask if she's heard from my daughter. She says she will talk to the people in the company she knows my daughter is friendly with.

Long story short....DD phone was broken. No calls in or out. That is she could see incoming calls from me, but had no voice mail and couldn't answer.

Anyway, she borrowed a phone to tell me she hate, hate, hates me and will never speak to me again. I've ruined her position at her work, embarrassed her, etc.

So, I know I did wrong, but how do I fix it?

What is the acceptable number of days to not hear from your adult child?

1) You wait for her to cool off and wait for her to call. I have a feeling that you might have let things get out of hand when talking to her. Maybe part of the "long story"? What did you say to her?

2) As far as "acceptable days", there is no such answer to that question really. Now YOU might have a number in mind however it really should be mutual.

My oldest is almost 20 and I do not talk to her daily, nor do I have a set level of expectation of communication.

I have to say that is why Facebook and phone texting are so great. You can keep in touch in small ways when you are not up for conversations.

Your dd should have called you sooner to tell you that her phone was out so you would not worry. That was kind of ignorant on her part since you guys talk everyday.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I guess I got lucky today because DD18 always gets home from school at 2:00pm. She was not here when I left at 2:30 to get the kids from school. She was still not here at 4:00, and would not answer her phone. This is totally unlike her so I started to panic and I sent a few text messages to her close friends. No one knew where she was. I left the house & drove to the highschool and her car was still there, just about the same time she sent a text saying she was making up a test and she would be home in a few minutes. WHEW! I was worried sick!

She didn't get mad at me for checking on her with her friends, she understood that that she should have sent me a message to let me know what was going on. The thing is, when your child is in a routine of doing something, and then out of the blue shes not there, you do tend to worry. I don't think that will ever change.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

wow! How terrible! I am 26 and talk to my mom 2-3 times a day. I don't think you did anything wrong. You were concerned b/c you hadn't heard from her, she wasn't answering her phone (she couldn't control that) but, she borrowed her friend's phone to tell you she hates you? Why didn't she borrow the friend's phone after she saw you were calling multiple times?

I would NEVER tell my mother I hate her! My parents have done so much for me and have always been supportive of me and my family (I have a DD). I just think thats wrong.