DD Drama - at my wit's end (sorry so long) ***Update post 127***

[BroknMom]

I am having the worst ordeal of my life right at the moment.

DD18 has been dating the same boy since she was 15. Boy seemed to be a decent guy...we never had any problems out of him UNTIL the past year or so. He started getting VERY possessive of DD i.e., not "letting" her hang out with friends and when she did it was WWIII! So after one explosive night of fighting between the two of them last year, he called her late one night (she didn't answer because she did not want to argue) and left left a voice mail. The voice mail was rambling on about how he wasn't going to take it anymore...yadda, yadda, yadda and all of a sudden, you hear a gun go off....the cell phone falls to the ground and he is making these raspy choking noises. She comes to my room and wakes me up hysterical. Well, long story short, I stepped in and forbid them to see each other. I also made her do sessions with the school counselor.

Fast forward to this January. They start "talking/texting" again. She knows how we feel about it, but throws out the "I'm 18" crap around. I tell her as long as she is under my roof, he is to be nowhere around. Well, she decided to not have anymore to do with him. So she is out one night and I get a frantic call from her, "Mom, help me, what do I do...Mom please help me!" Seems ex-b/f is chasing her down the highway. I tell her a route to go to get home w/out having to stop and turn around. Meanwhile I get in the car to go meet her.....all the while, calling the police. I have a confrontation with him and police give him a warning.

So...come March, they are talking again!! By this time I am completely frustrated and everyone around me keeps telling me to let it run it's course. I still stick to my guns...he is to be nowhere around here. They make a date to go to prom together. They leave to go to prom dinner (two nights before prom), get into a fight and he leaves her along the road 45 minutes from home!!!!!! They break up again.

Thursday night I find out they're talking again. Same argument....different outcome. She packs her bags and leaves!!!!! WTH?!?!?! Same answer "I'm 18 and you can't do anything about it." No, she doesn't go to my parents' house....she goes to HIS house!!!! I have told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever leaves home to "live" with a boy...she was on her own paying for college and I would NOT supply her with her car!! Her story is...she wasn't moving out, just getting away. If she wanted to get away, she could have gone to my parents' house!! I am wrong in my reasoning???? Have I completely lost my mind here? Do I just stand by and let her "stay" with this boy and his parents and supply her with the means to go to school in August? I just need someone to give me an honest opinion on what they would do. I feel all alone here!!!! I'm worried sick about her and devestated to say the least.

 

[PADISFAM]

I am having the worst ordeal of my life right at the moment.

DD18 has been dating the same boy since she was 15. Boy seemed to be a decent guy...we never had any problems out of him UNTIL the past year or so. He started getting VERY possessive of DD i.e., not "letting" her hang out with friends and when she did it was WWIII! So after one explosive night of fighting between the two of them last year, he called her late one night (she didn't answer because she did not want to argue) and left left a voice mail. The voice mail was rambling on about how he wasn't going to take it anymore...yadda, yadda, yadda and all of a sudden, you hear a gun go off....the cell phone falls to the ground and he is making these raspy choking noises. She comes to my room and wakes me up hysterical. Well, long story short, I stepped in and forbid them to see each other. I also made her do sessions with the school counselor.

Fast forward to this January. They start "talking/texting" again. She knows how we feel about it, but throws out the "I'm 18" crap around. I tell her as long as she is under my roof, he is to be nowhere around. Well, she decided to not have anymore to do with him. So she is out one night and I get a frantic call from her, "Mom, help me, what do I do...Mom please help me!" Seems ex-b/f is chasing her down the highway. I tell her a route to go to get home w/out having to stop and turn around. Meanwhile I get in the car to go meet her.....all the while, calling the police. I have a confrontation with him and police give him a warning.

So...come March, they are talking again!! By this time I am completely frustrated and everyone around me keeps telling me to let it run it's course. I still stick to my guns...he is to be nowhere around here. They make a date to go to prom together. They leave to go to prom dinner (two nights before prom), get into a fight and he leaves her along the road 45 minutes from home!!!!!! They break up again.

Thursday night I find out they're talking again. Same argument....different outcome. She packs her bags and leaves!!!!! WTH?!?!?! Same answer "I'm 18 and you can't do anything about it." No, she doesn't go to my parents' house....she goes to HIS house!!!! I have told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever leaves home to "live" with a boy...she was on her own paying for college and I would NOT supply her with her car!! Her story is...she wasn't moving out, just getting away. If she wanted to get away, she could have gone to my parents' house!! I am wrong in my reasoning???? Have I completely lost my mind here? Do I just stand by and let her "stay" with this boy and his parents and supply her with the means to go to school in August? I just need someone to give me an honest opinion on what they would do. I feel all alone here!!!! I'm worried sick about her and devestated to say the least.

ooh boy -- I don't know what to say --- but yikes!

 

[princesspiglet]

There is no way in Hades I would be paying for her college or her car at this point. As many times as this jerk has hurt her, I could not just sit back and let it run it's course. I would tell her she needs to get her butt home or she loses her car and college money. Then I would get a restraining order againest this guy. I would also get her some counseling and find out why she even thinks this guy is good for her.

 

[JoiseyMom]

No, you are not wrong! Stick to your guns! If she moved out, there goes the car and college. Tell her that if she dumps him she is more then welcome to come home. It is your house, and your rules!

She will quickly realize at 18, how difficult it is to survive without parents taking care of them!!

Good Luck!

 

[clutter]

My dd is 12, so this is totally hypothetical.

I'd tell her that 'getting away' consists of x # of days. Give her maybe a day or two more to decide if she's 'getting away' or has emancipated her 18 year-old-self. If she's decided to stay with the boyfriend, get the car back. However, even though I'm totally with you on wanting this bf OUT of her life, you might consider allowing her, conditionally, to keep seeing him if she's living at home. The condition being therapy. Sadly, she hasn't reached the point where she's willing to see she's better off without him, and I believe that your going against him is helping to delay her reaching that point. Personally, I don't know if I'd allow him in your house (you don't mention that there are other kids at home or not), but I think she needs to work her way through this.

 

[KAMLEM]

How well do you know his parents? I think I'd try speaking with them and asking them to make her leave. As long as she has her grandparents to go to you know she won't be out on the street.

So sorry to hear you're going through all this. I have 2 DD's (12 and 15) and these are the types of things I dread the most. I hope it all works out.

 

[Christine]

She will quickly realize at 18, how difficult it is to survive without parents taking care of them!!
Good Luck!

While my gut tells me that you should follow through with your "deal" (no car, no college), I just wonder how quickly she will realize it. Take it from experience, quickly could be a few years.

There's a small part of me that says send her away to college and hopefully she will outgrow him. I'm a bit afraid that if she doesn't go, she will NOT wake up and smell the coffee and get further entrenched with the guy because she now has no direction. Based on her current behavior, tough love may not teach her a lesson until she's 30, whereas, she might get distracted if she goes away to college.

OP, I feel for you. I have an almost 18 y/o daughter and this is one of my biggest fears.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Where is she going to college? It sounds to me like your DD really needs to find herself--going away to school really helps with that.

 

[rie'smom]

Stick to your guns because what I see down the pike is they'll break up again and she'll say it is your fault because you should have stopped her from seeing him or put up road blocks such as not paying for her car or school.
This situation is in her court. She will have to have had enough. You cannot realistically stop them from seeing each other. After they break up, she'll come home. You'll have to decide after the 1st time she comes home if you'll allow her to keep coming back if they get back together again.

 

[Alice1386]

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!!!!!!!

In no way let her think that this relationship is acceptable BUT make sure she knows that you still love her and that she can always call you for help. No car, no help with college, unless she is under your roof and this guy is out of the picture. He sounds like major bad news! BUT always make sure she knows you are there for her... You want to be the first person she calls when things finally have gotten to the point that she finally realizes she needs to get out! When she finally does, no lectures, no I told you, just let her talk and give her your love... The event will provide enough pain, it will be enough of a lesson. I work with high school students and unless they know their parents won't "judge" them, give them lectures, etc. they will continue to run away. I am so sorry about you and her situation...

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Does the boyfriend live on his own? If not what is wrong with his parents allowing her to stay there? If he lives with his parents I would definitely be calling there to demand that they send your DD home.

I agree with everyone else - stick to your guns. That's all you can do at this point. Big hugs to you - I can't even imagine how hard this must be.

 

[walkerag]

I agree your DD needs to get away from this guy. More often than not guys like this become abusive. I've seen it happen time and time again with friends of mine. It starts with possesive behavior, mind games etc. The fact that he was following her coming home is a very good indicator of the potential for abuse.

I hope she can come to the realization that she deserves better

 

[SnowWhite607]

Sounds vaguely like my first marriage at the beginning. Get her away from him ASAP. It can turn into nothing good and positive.

So he faked shooting himself? He has problems of his own that she doesnt want to get involved in.

 

[rie'smom]

I agree your DD needs to get away from this guy. More often than not guys like this become abusive. I've seen it happen time and time again with friends of mine. It starts with possesive behavior, mind games etc. The fact that he was following her coming home is a very good indicator of the potential for abuse.

I hope she can come to the realization that she deserves better

This is it in a nutshell. She has to believe that she deserves better. I married someone like your DD's boyfriend. It dawned on me that one day I'd wake up and wonder what my life would be if I stayed married to him. That made up my mind to leave him. I hope to doesn't come to marriage for your daughter but it might. My parents and family did not like him but I was in love. I was an idiot.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I think she needs a real sit-down and long talk with her mother.

She knows you don't approve of him and yes, she's 18 but does she really know why he's bad for her.

Go over things again. Remind her that people who fake their deaths on answering machines are not people one wants to marry and why. Show her picture of abused women. Take her to shelters and have her talk with abused women who give excuse after excuse for their abusive husbands and boyfriends. Make her see that this guy can and will kill her if he feels his control of her is slipping.

Tell her she's not stupid for going back to him time and time again. This is a normal pattern of domestic abuse. She needs help again.

I'd stick to your guns and not allow him to take over your daughter.

 

[BroknMom]

Thank God I actually posted my story here. I was feeling overwhelmed with guilt and grief. I have been physically ill since she has left and to the point of anxiety attacks.

Thankfully, DD is an only child. DH is behind me 100% while grandma and grandpa (who are like second parents to her) are saying....."we can't help who we fall in love with." For Pete's sake, why am I the only one here that senses the danger she is in?

She knows she HAS to go to college for an education. She has a congenital heart defect and HAS to have a job with good insurance!! Not going to college has never been an option to her. BUT, I refuse to pay with her staying there!

Thankfully, I didn't let her take her car when she left. My parents are saying that I should give the car to her because she's going to need to get a job and have transportation. My response to that was, "she says she's 18 and an adult....she needs to figure out transportation on her own."

She is not speaking to me right now, but is actually communicating with my parents. I do believe I am going to set an actual deadline for this nonsense. If she chooses to continue staying with him....I'm done. No help from mom and dad. She's never had to work...typical spoiled brat. I know, it's probably my fault but what can I say? I take full responsibility.

The boy lives with his parents. Would I actually have grounds calling and demanding they make her leave there since she's 18? I feel so stupid about all this stuff.

Thank you so much for letting me "lose my mind" here! I have no other outlet.

 

[BroknMom]

Show her picture of abused women. Take her to shelters and have her talk with abused women who give excuse after excuse for their abusive husbands and boyfriends. Make her see that this guy can and will kill her if he feels his control of her is slipping.

What a wonderful idea!!!! Thank you for that suggestion!!!

 

[walkerag]

I have a very good friend who is more like my sister. She got involved with a maniac who threated to kill her on numerous occasions. Even though we all warned her that it would never get better she ended up getting married to this guy anyway. It started with possessive behavior, then mind games, stalking and eventually physical abuse.
I'll never forget one night they were fighting and she came to my house to seek refuge. She had a 3 year old little boy from a previous marriage and he was with her. My father who normally would have had nothing to do with it (ex-marine) worked nights and was at work. I was only 19 and still living at home. I guess he assumed she was at my house and came to my house beligerantly drunk, kicked in the door, grabbed the 3 year old, grabbed her by the hair and dragged her out by the hair and left with them both
I was scared to death. I called the police and then my father at work.

It did take a couple of years but she finally discovered her own self worth and left him for good. He is in prison now for Lord only knows what and she is happily married to someone that treats her with the love and respect she deserves.

 

[AlleyKat]

The voice mail was rambling on about how he wasn't going to take it anymore...all of a sudden, you hear a gun go off....

This clown has access to a loaded gun?

Only you can decide how much more "drama" you are willing to put up with!

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would assume that she is not talking to you due to some influence he has over her. Or, she's just not ready yet to see that perhaps mom is right in this case.

Do her grandparents not think that perhaps this is an abusive relationship? What do they think about the faked death as well as the car chase?