Daughters Birthday Ruined Vent LONG

[tiberius]

I am glad that the whole day did not end up as just moping about the house. Maybe you were a bit rough rough with the mother because of the girl, but I probably would have done similar. This was certainly no way for a guest to act--and her mother should know that even if the girl did not (but she should have known, too!)

If she was sick, then fine those things happen, but separation anxiety is hard to buy when (1) she already spends that much time in your house, and (2) when she did not go with you the next day. It sounds more like the spoiled princess syndrome to me

 

[jipsy]

Stop the presses! I agree with Dawn

Also, you said you watch this little girl every day after school for free (you didn't say WHY you watch her for free, or for how long - 30 minutes? 3 hours?) plus she and your daughter are in the same class every day together. Then you mentioned something about "her other daycare". It sounds to me like this kid really doesn't see her mom very much, but sees your daughter all the time on a daily basis.

They are only 8 years old, after all, not 18. Deciding she wanted to go home and be with her mom, considering all the time she had probably already spent with your daughter all week, is not all that unusual for an 8 year old. I'm sorry your daughter's feelings were hurt, but you should really be encouraging her to find more friends.

I used to hang out alot with a girl named Regina when I was about 8 or 9. We spent the night with each other all the time. One night I was spending the night at Regina's house and after we went to bed, I couldn't sleep and I became extremely homesick. I called my Dad to come and get me and we left while everyone was asleep. Since they lived in the country it scared the crap out of them. They thought maybe I was sleepwalking or something and fell in their lake. Her mom called my mom and they talked about it, but Regina's mom didn't go off on my mother or anything. They both understood that we were little girls. When they asked me why I was so homesick, I couldn't give them an explanation; just that I wanted to sleep in my own bed at my own house.

None of that ever stopped Regina and I from being friends, nor our mothers. We were right back at each other's houses in a day or too.

I guess my point is, don't make a huge mountain out of a molehill. It's not the only birthday party your daughter will ever have. They are only 8 and 9 years old.

 

[shortbun]

I have a 10 yo and I am very clear that kids this age can not be counted on to behave like adults socially. I'm sorry you were disappointed by an 8yo child but perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. Children sometimes get out of their comfort zones and should be allowed to go home from overnights and change their minds about social events-especially ones this big. They go through changes in abillity to cope at this young age and as adults we should be there to comfort them, not to blame them for our disappintments. I'm guessing this child will not be invited back to your house for any occassion and she may just be relieved. It seems that you were harboring some animosity toward her and her mother prior to this birthday event, perhaps she sensed that.

 

[Stitchfans]

The point that some of you are missing is that this is not the first time this child has done this. It is quite apparent that the little girl is quite spoiled, selfish, and only thinks of herself. Don't give me the excuse she is only 8. By that age they do understand, and she has learned that all she has to do is whine and say I don't want to. I feel so bad for the birthdday girl! having her day ruined like that is horrible.

Sure hope the day went super and she still had fun.

Didn't read all the threads, only read up to when someone said you were being petty.

Either way- Happy Birthday, 9 years old!!! Hope you had a magical day!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems that these two, although they see a lot of each other and know each other very well, have had their issues. I would have been strongly encouraging my DD to invite a couple more kids from the beginning. Maybe all the hours together was just too much for the other girl. Kids are finicky at this age and sometimes there's no convincing them to do something they don't want to do, at least not without a big scene.

I'm curious about after school. How often do you watch the kids and for how long? I do before/after school daycare and I can never imagine watching other kids on a regular basis for free. I will watch a neighbor boy on occasion and do it as a favor for his mom, but she returns the favors, too. That's different because we are friends doing favors for each other. There is another neighbor and I occasionally watch her boys, but I do get paid for that.

Sorry that your DD got hurt. It's hard to see our kids get hurt and it's hard on them being rejected.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Don't give me the excuse she is only 8.

So you expect an 8yo to shoulder the total expectation of an overwhelming birthday?
It is one thing to invite a few kids over for cake and games, but to have a sleepover and a FULL DAY, that is too much for an 8yo.

 

[MoniqueU]

I wasn't harboring any animosity towards her. We are nicer to her then to our own kids because she is our guest in our home. I watch them anywhere for 30 minutes to two hours after school.I watch them because for that short of period of time the daycare was charging them fulll time money, so I offered. When school is out of session I do not watch them full time. And yes I know they could spend a lot of time together. However I think when you say you are going to be at someone that is so close to you's birthday party or you tell them you will go trick or treating with them you don't just back out at the last minute. You make every effort to go. What is it they tell kindergardners moms about seperation anxiety in Kindergarden, just leave them here and they will be fine the second you leave. I just feel had she said I don't feel like spending the night let me come the next morning things would have been fine. I can understand not wanting to spend a whole 24 hours away from your family even though she has done it before with no issues but I can't understand backing out on such an important event completely. As far as what the future holds I don't know that I will ever take what this girl or her family says about her attendence with any sort of believabilty and I am not even sure I would extend an invitation. I do feel like she believes that my daughter will always be there no matter what. And she can treat her as she wishes.

 

[Stitchfans]

So you expect an 8yo to shoulder the total expectation of an overwhelming birthday?
It is one thing to invite a few kids over for cake and games, but to have a sleepover and a FULL DAY, that is too much for an 8yo.

IMO most 8 year olds would love to have a day at Disneyland, and do all sorts of fun things. I have no doubt my DD at 8 would of jumped at the chance. I don't see how it is so overwhelming. Just a fun day.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

but I can't understand backing out on such an important event completely.

I know this is where you are having trouble and people here on this board are being genuine and trying to explain it to you.
This is too much to expect from a young child. Heck reading what you had planned gives me anxiety.

Your dd's bday is an important even to YOU, not this little girl. It is YOU that has to make it special, not rely on children, they are a "bonus".

I am sure these posts are not what you expected. But I have been in your position of putting my eggs in one basket for my kids, esp. the oldest. Poor things get all the mistakes.

Now I realize that it is ME who steers things, and picks up the pieces and makes the best of it WITH CLASS, grace heart and style.
That is the best gift you can give your dd, trust me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

IMO most 8 year olds would love to have a day at Disneyland, and do all sorts of fun things. I have no doubt my DD at 8 would of jumped at the chance. I don't see how it is so overwhelming. Just a fun day.

My 9yo would pass out. Spending the night and THEN going to Disneyland? She can only handle one thing at a time. Kids are not all the same.

 

[justhat]

That really sucks for your daughter and I'm sorry it happened. The only thing I can think of is that maybe no one understood how she was your daughter's only source of a 'party' or that they didn't think coming back the next day was an option. What I mean is, maybe the kid didn't even think "oh, I can come back with you tomorrow" (unless of course you suggested that in which case this point is invalid). Or maybe the mom didn't realize the meaning. Since her kid has gone to DL with you before maybe she didn't think it was so special, putting the birthday aside. Or maybe she thinks her daughter should work out her own friendship issues. Whatever, no matter what it stinks for your daughter, but I would make it up to her by having the fun day you plan on anyway.

But think of it this way, what if the mom had forced her to stay. I imagine the girl would have been upset and not much fun at all. So it was probably for the best that she went home.

I also have to say that I don't think I'd ever force my daughter to stay at another kid's house, whether for a birthday or not, so I can't totally blame the other mom. If they're unhappy for whatever reason then I'd accept that and let my kids come home. I mean, what kind of message does it send if you say "you have to stay cause you already committed to your friend"? Yes, it says to be responsible, but it also tells the kid that if there is something wrong that they have to stay in a bad situation. What I mean is, you make her stay this time for your daughter's birthday, what about when she sleeps over someone's house and they abuse her (God forbid)? She might be afraid to call thinking that you'd say "you committed to your friend so stay". I mean, it's not like she can say in front of the other mom "the mom hit me" or something like that, she'd just say she's not happy or whatever and wants to come home. So for reasons like that I'd just have to go with my daughter's feelings at the moment and take her home if that's what she wants.

 

[jipsy]

II just feel had she said I don't feel like spending the night let me come the next morning things would have been fine.

Did you ASK the little girl before she left if she wanted to still go with you the next morning? It sounds like you just waited to see if maybe she would make the offer.

I know you asked your daughter if something happened between them, and your daughter told you no. However, you also stated that with other friends your daughter is "brutally honest". I'm not sure what you mean by that, but maybe your daughter was "brutally honest" with this little girl about something, and that's why the little girl went home.

As far as this part:

I told her well I am sick of this. I am tired of your daughter treating mine like crap, used another word there. I told her my daughter is just devestated, I am disgusted and speaking of anxiety my daughter has it now too because she has anxiety no one is going to show up to her party which HELLO they aren't. I was in tears and hung up on her. I honestly do not know if I can watch her kids on a daily basis again. This was so cold blooded to me.

if you spoke to me like that, I wouldn't want my daughter ever at your house again. Is this the kind of "brutal honesty" you are referring to? Please tell me that your daughter didn't hear you act like this on the phone.

 

[SueM in MN]

A similar thing happened with my oldest DD's friend when she was about that age. Several times, we had planned to do something and when we were ready to leave the house, the girl wanted to go home. She also left after only a few hours at our house for sleepovers. She had been out with out and to sleepovers before with no problem, so this was puzzling (we did not take it personally or as a rejection though, it was just 9 year girl behavior).
Anyway, we found out later that she was recently diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which causes abdominal cramps, diarrhea and generally not feeling well. The symptoms come and go erratically. It wasn't something the girl felt comfortable telling anyone about (like if you are 9, how do you explain it to your friend). Being away from home for more than a few hours made her quite anxious.

Just wanted to put out there that we have only one side and there may be something else going on that no one except the girl's family is aware of.

 

[DisTeach1]

I think at this age, kids pick up on our anxiety. If your daughter has anxiety now, it's probably because she picked up on your overreaction. I would have handled it with an "Oh well, we'll still have a great day", even though I may have been mad inside. I would have suggested planning the party for another weekend and inviting more kids. If your daughter didn't want that, then that is her choice, not the other girls fault.

My son has never liked "big" things away from us until recently-at 12. Kids are unpredictable and selfish...That's the nature of kids. It doesn't make them bad kids, it makes them immature. Don't blame the girl.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I'd still like to know what the OP meant by her dd being "brutally honest" to some other children. Maybe she doesn't know her dd as well she thinks. I would never force my children to suck it up if they were homesick and wanted to come home from a sleepover. I think the mom was out of line saying all those things to the other mom. I would encourage my daughter to make some other friendships, and maybe not be so "brutally honest" to those children.

 

[MagicKingdom05]

MoniqueU,

Good for you. Hey it's the other girls loss not your daughters. I'm sure once she will have a great time and will enjoy the day.

 

[DawnCt1]

MoniqueU,

Good for you. Hey it's the other girls loss not your daughters. I'm sure once she will have a great time and will enjoy the day.

Jason, I think the point some of the posters here are makeing is that brutal honesty and anger directed towards an 8 year old may, in the end, not be the other girl's loss but her daughter's loss. Teaching our children how to get along in a larger world and coping with disappointments is really the biggest gift we can give them. Its an on going process that will repeat itself often enough.

 

[MagicKingdom05]

DawnCt1,

I agree with you 100% on that. What I was trying to say was it was good for her to keep the plans and still go with the daughter. This shows the daughter that no matter how bad something might seem, some good can come out of it if you pick up the pieces and reorganize or try again.

 

[DawnCt1]

DawnCt1,

I agree with you 100% on that. What I was trying to say was it was good for her to keep the plans and still go with the daughter. This shows the daughter that no matter how bad something might seem, some good can come out of it if you pick up the pieces and reorganize or try again.

Absolutely Jason. Making lemons out of lemonade is a skill that we all need. I have been making SO MUCH LEMONADE lately over the trauma my toy poodle has sustained that I am drowning in it. I know there is a "pony in there somewhere for me", I am hoping to find it.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I do agree that the other mother should not let her DD back out of things easily. Take the trick or treating--if my kids agree to go with someone, they can't just change their minds at the last minute and leave that person high and dry. Just like if they accept an invitation to a high school dance and then get a "better" invitation, they can't, after the acceptance, tell the first person "no". The overnight and trip to DL might have just been too much for an 8yo, though. Or she could have been coming down with an illness or just not feeling 100%.

Two of my kids didn't like sleepovers of any kind when they were young. My 3rd child was probably 10yo when he finally slept over. I would let him go to the party, etc for the evening and then pick him up before they went to bed. If it was appropriate I would bring him back the next morning, or at least give him that option.

Personally, I would never give a regular service, like the afterschool babysitting, without getting compensation for it. The mother does not value the service because she isn't paying for it. If she doesn't want to pay for the other daycare with them not being there for long, I can understand. But why isn't she paying for the time they are at your house? Hopefully she's doing extra things for you for that favor. IE, gift baskets, trip to a spa, grocery gift certificate, etc, etc.