Daughter (12) didn't get invited to a party . Its killing me, her not so much

[punkin]

When my older one was bat mitzvah, we invited the whole class (even the one girl DD disliked) because the entire class was 12 children (I believe). My younger one attended a huge public school her bat mitzvah year, so we just invited her close friends. It depends on the situation and only the people shelling out $$$ get to decide whom to invite.

 

[anniemae]

I have never understood the whole "invite everyone" mentality. It is silly. My dd had been excluded once when she was little and I took it as a learning opportunity. You don't get invited to everything, you wont get along with everybody, not everyone wins etc.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I'm sort of stuck at a party where parents host 75 children (or 100 children, as the PP feels they should) to a theme park. I've seen TV shows with this stuff, but... wow. It still blows my mind.
While our parties were on a whole other level (lower, much lower) I never invited the entire class to my kid's parties. I think the biggest party had 8-10 kids, in the backyard.
I don't know anyone who hosted an event (even a backyard hot dog event) and invited the entire class. I'd guess, at most, my daughter was invited to two parties a year.
I can't imagine attending 75-100 parties like the PP is describing in a year (which is what would happen if everyone is invited to every event). When do you have time for everything else? There are only 52 weeks in a year? Do people really want/expect their child to be invited to that many events?! I'd be exhausted just providing the transportation.

People don't expect it. It's never something "everyone" does. At 13, it feels like it. But in reality, it's probably less than 10 kids whose parents are actually throwing those "cool" parties, and I bet you it's only 2-3 kids who are making a big deal about it, and in doing so, making the less popular kids feel bad that they aren't invited and their parents didn't have the funds or weren't cool enough to throw them a similar bash.

It's just that social media makes it much more in everyone's face. 30 years ago, instead of Snapchat, the OP would have only heard about it from some well meaning (or really pretentious) parent of one of her daughter's classmates, and then she would have spent the rest of the week ferreting information out of her kid and friends. Lot more work to gather intel and spy in those days

 

[Allison]

I don't care if a family can afford to invite everyone. People get to invite who they want to the parties they host. It's not in poor taste, it's how society works.

 

[littlejimmy]

I think there are shenanigans going on here. your first post and you search for a year old thread, and then you start posting about it?? come on, fess up. what is the whole story here? me thinks something doesn't quite seem right. who's with me?

 

[goofy4tink]

I know this post is a year old but I am going through this now with my daughter. Many people here say it is just a part of life, blah blah. I have always been the mom to include everyone from the class at parties. I know Bat/Bar Mitzvahs are expensive and the class size is larger than in elementary school.

We are at a public school that is about 80 percent Jewish and most of the kids are invited to these elaborate parties. I think it is terrible that children
are excluded from these parties. I know my daughter is a lot. The school already banned wearing sweatshirts and clothing that were given out during these parties to
prevent hurt feelings.

I realize that we cannot protect our children from all disappointment but I think it is in extremely bad taste to invite most of the class and leave out certain kids.
If you can afford to invite 75 kids to a party, you can find a way to invite the other 25.

I have three kids.....44, 41, and 23. This wasn't an issue for the two eldest. But, my 23 y/o dd has a lot of Jewish girl friends, especially when she was in high school. She went to three or four Bat Mitzvahs. There were some she didn't get invited to. There were girls that didn't get invited to the ones she went to.
I strongly felt that when in elementary school, the entire class is invited to birthday parties..boys and girls. By the time the kids are in third grade, they want same sex parties, that's fine, we invited all the girls in her class. By the time dd got to the age of about 11 or so, if she had any kind of 'do', she got to invite who she wanted to invite! A Bat Mitzvah is very special, I wouldn't expect anyone who wasn't close personal friends to be invited! It's just not that kind of event. By the time kids get to this age, they fully realize that not everyone gets invited. And there are plenty of times that they are glad not to be invited, otherwise they would just be uncomfortable. This is more about mom's wishes and dreams. Every mom wants her kids to be liked and popular. But, sometimes our kids don't fit the popular mold...just the way it is. Let them find their own friends and make their own way. Moms need to find things in their own lives that fulfill them, and give them pleasure. It's nice to be close to your kids but it gets to be unhealthy after a point.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I think there are shenanigans going on here. your first post and you search for a year old thread, and then you start posting about it?? come on, fess up. what is the whole story here? me thinks something doesn't quite seem right. who's with me?

My guess is that it was found through a Google search, and the new poster signed up solely to post to the thread.

 

[cabanafrau]

Maybe it's as simple as the extra kids required a second bus. Just because people decided to throw a big, splashy do doesn't mean there is no limit.

Seems like when my kids went on the 8th grade NJHS trip to DC the cap for the bus was in the neighborhood of 75.

 

[dish rag]

Nothing to offer other than as a parent I feel your pain. But like most things in life time will heal all that.

 

[Nettester]

I don't think kids are owed an invite to anything. Kids can be disappointed, and learn to deal with it. Not everyone gets invited to every event. However, if the parent hosting the event is aware that their child is choosing to purposefully exclude one person specifically out of spite, while having a gigantic event, and literally inviting everybody else (yes I have seen this happen), I'm actually appalled that they would turn a blind eye to it with a kind of shrug that they don't get involved.

 

[DaisyJ]

I know this post is a year old but I am going through this now with my daughter. Many people here say it is just a part of life, blah blah. I have always been the mom to include everyone from the class at parties. I know Bat/Bar Mitzvahs are expensive and the class size is larger than in elementary school.

We are at a public school that is about 80 percent Jewish and most of the kids are invited to these elaborate parties. I think it is terrible that children
are excluded from these parties. I know my daughter is a lot. The school already banned wearing sweatshirts and clothing that were given out during these parties to
prevent hurt feelings.

I realize that we cannot protect our children from all disappointment but I think it is in extremely bad taste to invite most of the class and leave out certain kids.
If you can afford to invite 75 kids to a party, you can find a way to invite the other 25.

Nope. My kids party, she gets to invite who she wants within the limit set by us (per budget). I've never been a believer in "you must invite everyone to any kind of gathering you are having".

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that there is a vast difference between elementary school child's birthday party and any event that takes place one kids hit middle school. While I sympathize with a kid who would like to be included in a party, I also believe that everyone is not entitled to be invited to every activity.

Children who send invitations through the classroom should include everyone, or they should find a different way to invite friends to a birthday party. I also think parents should be involved in their kids invitation process, and if the child chooses to invite every girl in the class but one....well Mom should step in. It is never okay to deliberately hurt someone.

Once kids are in middle school, how do you decide who is in what class?

 

[because]

I know that the families around here can afford to invite the others. If you can afford to invite 80 percent of the class and give out
sweatshirts and sweatpants to every kid, you can figure out a way to invite the rest of the class.

It is in poor taste regardless if you do not like the person or not.

These are not your average birthday parties. These are parties that are talked about all week long at school until the next one happens.
Parties where greyhound buses picks up the kids and take them to amusement parks.

Sure, it is the parents right to invite who they want but it is in extremely bad taste.

Bad or poor taste? Not at all. I would even venture to say that feeling entitled to an invitation is what is in bad taste.

I might be inclined to agree with you if the numbers were 99.99% invited to .01% not, but 20% not invited is a pretty significant and reasonable percentage when you are talking about that many people.

Sorry your daughter is going through this. How you handle it will set the example for your daughter of how she should handle it. You have the choice to make her feel good about herself and that this is just life or stew about her not getting invited and make her wonder what is wrong with her that she didn't get an invite.

 

[cabanafrau]

I will agree that the bestowing of "exclusive" clothing as party favors to such a high proportion of a group like a class where those left out get steady reminders for quite some time they were left out makes it sting again and again.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

So, a girl your DD barely knows didn't invite her to a party? I don't see why this is a big deal. I likely wouldn't invite someone I barely knew to my party either.

 

[lancermom]

I will agree that the bestowing of "exclusive" clothing as party favors to such a high proportion of a group like a class where those left out get steady reminders for quite some time they were left out makes it sting again and again.

Meh. In my experience, such clothing gets worn once to school, usually the Monday after the party, and then that's about it.

 

[gotomu212]

These celebrations are thrown by families to celebrate a milestone and honor their son/daughter not to provide free entertainment for a town's children. It's bizarre to me that anyone, adult or child, would think they are entitled to an invitation.

I agree with most that it's wrong to single out one or two kids, but the time to include everyone "just because my mom made me" ends around 1st/2nd grade.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I will agree that the bestowing of "exclusive" clothing as party favors to such a high proportion of a group like a class where those left out get steady reminders for quite some time they were left out makes it sting again and again.

Except that it was stated that the school didn't allow the wearing of such clothing. So, nobody should have it on while in school. If the attendees wear their sweatshirts to the mall, well, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[cabanafrau]

Meh. In my experience, such clothing gets worn once to school, usually the Monday after the party, and then that's about it.

Commemorative party shirts for this type of situation is something new on me. I've seen bachelor party/bachelorette party shirts, but generally only in photos where they are actually at the party.

Except that it was stated that the school didn't allow the wearing of such clothing. So, nobody should have it on while in school. If the attendees wear their sweatshirts to the mall, well, there's nothing wrong with that.

I missed the detail about not wearing it to school. Clearly a policy designed to head off the repetitive sting of reminders I was envisioning.

 

[wilkeliza]

Commemorative party shirts for this type of situation is something new on me. I've seen bachelor party/bachelorette party shirts, but generally only in photos where they are actually at the party.



I missed the detail about not wearing it to school. Clearly a policy designed to head off the repetitive sting of reminders I was envisioning.

The hand outs are big for Bar/Bat mitzvahs. My nephew gave out water bottles (the nice like metal ones) and my niece gave out custom iphone cases, tie-dye shirts, lounge pants, and beanies.