Daughter (12) didn't get invited to a party . Its killing me, her not so much

[gwynne]

Thanks for finding it. Hopefully things settle down for the OP. Things only get bumpier as they get older..

Amen to that.

 

[Aliceacc]

I think that sometimes on these boards there's a tendency to mistake a vent for a call to action.

Here's how I interpreted the OP: she's venting because her daughter was hurting. That's it it hurts parents to see their kids left out.

I didn't read any condemnation of the party host, of snapchat...nothing of the sort. Just an acknowledgement that her daughter had been left out, and a wish that she hadn't.

I think that all she was looking for was a "poor kid" kind of response, not any sort of attempt at fixing anything

 

[Pea-n-Me]

OP's post is still there, it's post #46, I quoted it here. You have to click on the first post in my my multiquote, but I put in bold face the relevant parts.

Oh I totally got that, and said so in my post above.

What I'm wondering is if the DD has snapchat on her phone, which hasn't been clarified. I don't think it has, but if that's the case, then how did the DD "go back and forth with party host and party goers"?

 

[gwynne]

Oh I totally got that, and said so in my post above.

What I'm wondering is if the DD has snapchat on her phone, which hasn't been clarified. I don't think it has, but if that's the case, then how did the DD "go back and forth with party host and party goers"?

I guess it hasn't been clarified. But I would think it very strange if a mom kept a 12 year old's snapchat on the mother's cell phone, but the child wasn't allowed or didn't have access.
I just assumed the 12 year old had access on her phone.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I guess it hasn't been clarified. But I would think it very strange if a mom kept a 12 year old's snapchat on the mother's cell phone, but the child wasn't allowed or didn't have access.
I just assumed the 12 year old had access on her phone.

I assumed it as well, too - until she clarified that she has it on her/Mom's phone because of some problems.

What I don't get is whether the DD has it on her phone, and if she doesn't, then how was she seeing the snaps, or stories, of the party girls, and keeping up with the number of consecutive days snapping with certain people (party girl and party goers), etc.

Again,

It's just crazy with this snapchat crap.
The girls at the party are posting stories at the party on snapchat and DD even has a lot of snapchat streaks going on with these girls . They snapchat back and forth and see how many consecutive days they can do it.
I know dumb but I guess in the middle school world it's a big deal.
So the girls are going back and forth with DD including the party girl. Ugh!

My read is that DD was seeing the snaps, not just that mom was seeing them.

 

[ronandannette]

I think that sometimes on these boards there's a tendency to mistake a vent for a call to action.

Here's how I interpreted the OP: she's venting because her daughter was hurting. That's it it hurts parents to see their kids left out.

I didn't read any condemnation of the party host, of snapchat...nothing of the sort. Just an acknowledgement that her daughter had been left out, and a wish that she hadn't.

I think that all she was looking for was a "poor kid" kind of response, not any sort of attempt at fixing anything

Except that, you know, the title of the thread actually says differently, and the OP confirmed numerous times in her posts that her DD is NOT upset about this - she is.

 

[Aliceacc]

Except that, you know, the title of the thread actually says differently, and the OP confirmed numerous times in her posts that her DD is NOT upset about this - she is.

c
My apologies.

I should have said that she was upset because her daughter had been left out and was venting.
All of us who are parents know how painful it is to see your kids go through things like this, even if they are a normal part of growing up.

Still just a vent, stillno need for a fix, and my point remains exactly the same.

But your correction has been duly noted.

 

[SMD]

Is this the same daughter who was getting bullied on Snapchat by her 5th grade boyfriend on her weekly group dates to Starbucks? There's a reason why the minimum age for social media is 13. It's good that the OP is monitoring it, but if the parent isn't mature enough to handle things, maybe the minimum age should prevail and the daughter needs a time out.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Except that, you know, the title of the thread actually says differently, and the OP confirmed numerous times in her posts that her DD is NOT upset about this - she is.

But she also says other things, too.

 

[ronandannette]

c
My apologies.

I should have said that she was upset because her daughter had been left out and was venting.

Still just a vent, stillno need for a fix, and my point remains exactly the same.

But your correction has been duly noted.

Sorry, I wasn't criticizing your post. You'll also note if you read the OP, she specifically states that if people think she's overblowing this, that she'll stop. Yet after dozens of people kindly telling her just that, her responses just keep stating how much the situation is perturbing her...

...Tell me to knock it off and all will be ok,
My oldest is a boy and middle school was so different

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Wow I'm gone for a day and things blow up.

First: don't know where I ever said I wanted snapchat banned. Totally false
I also never edited any of my original posts they are the same as I originally wrote

DD's snapchat is on my phone and hers . She's had issues both on the giving and receiving at one time . She originally was the one who told me about the party and showed me pictures and the stories. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't look at her snapchat when she was out with her other friend because I did . Dumb and immature? Sure

I wondered how long it would be before someone searched my old threads . It just still cracks me up that people even take the time to do that. The issue that was brought up was a mistake on my part. I admit it
Haven't we all made them?
There has been no more boyfriends or will there be for a while and yes we've chatted about it and DD knows the reasons and where DH and I stand on the issue.

We've been busy the rest of this weekend. We went into the city today
On the train ride in DD just said out of the blue , I feel sorry for party girl.
I said why?
She said because everyone she invited hung out with each other and not with her. I guess more stuff was posted that DD seen that brought her to that conclusion . I said to DD well she chose who to invite right?
DD said I guess but I wouldn't have done that if I was there
I told her she was a thoughtful person and that was nice of her
Then she changed the subject.

She did text another friend today to ask her to go to the local fair next week . Her friend is going with another group but told DD she could come with them so that made her very happy

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Thank you for clarifying.

 

[ronandannette]

...We've been busy the rest of this weekend. We went into the city today
On the train ride in DD just said out of the blue , I feel sorry for party girl.
I said why?
She said because everyone she invited hung out with each other and not with her. I guess more stuff was posted that DD seen that brought her to that conclusion . I said to DD well she chose who to invite right?
DD said I guess but I wouldn't have done that if I was there
I told her she was a thoughtful person and that was nice of her
Then she changed the subject.

She did text another friend today to ask her to go to the local fair next week . Her friend is going with another group but told DD she could come with them so that made her very happy

It almost seems like you thought it served the party girl right - at least until your DD's response humbled you a little bit. She sounds like a really wonderful person, so you must be doing something right.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

It almost seems like you thought it served the party girl right - at least until your DD's response humbled you a little bit. She sounds like a really wonderful person, so you must be doing something right.

Seriously?

No I didn't think that.
I don't even know the party girl.

DD is a good kid most of the time but you know she's 12 so that can change in an instant
Thank you!

 

[Pixie Dust ✨]

I don't think I check my own Snapchat as often as the OP checks her 13yo daughter's. Too weird.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Ok I think this thread has run its course. When posters have nothing left to contribute , then it's time to bash the OP. Typical

I talk to my DD often about mean girl behavior. One of the things I've brought up to her is that it never goes away. Mean girl behavior even carries into adulthood for some.

Thx all who actually contributed useful information
I've learned DD needs to handle her own situations . I need to butt out unless she comes to me for help , advice or just to talk. With middle school just starting , there's still a long road ahead.

 

[Aliceacc]

Ok I think this thread has run its course. When posters have nothing left to contribute , then it's time to bash the OP. Typical

I talk to my DD often about mean girl behavior. One of the things I've brought up to her is that it never goes away. Mean girl behavior even carries into adulthood for some.

Thx all who actually contributed useful information
I've learned DD needs to handle her own situations . I need to butt out unless she comes to me for help , advice or just to talk. With middle school just starting , there's still a long road ahead.

I'm not one to check on someone's posting history, so I don't know the backstory.

But think long and hared about butting out. Teens are funny about NOT coming to their parents for help. Don't butt out, please. Knowing information isn't necessarily the same thing as acting on it, but you need to know what's going on in your daughter's life. You need to know who her friends are, and what's going on. You need to be able to help offer her options, to be there when she needs a sounding board.

I find that the car is one of the best places to talk to my kids and find out what's going on with them. "How's school going?" and "What's new with Stephanie?" types of questions open the door for any concerns my kids have. Likewise a simple "You look tired, honey. You feeling OK?" type of comment can get them to open up.

Again, I'm not suggesting that you take it to an extreme. I'm not sure you need to be checking your daughter's Snapchat. But now, probably more than any time since your daughter was 2, she needs you NOT to butt out. Keep the lines of communication open, make sure she's comfortable telling you what's going on in her life.

 

[jrmasm]

Ok I think this thread has run its course. When posters have nothing left to contribute , then it's time to bash the OP. Typical

I talk to my DD often about mean girl behavior. One of the things I've brought up to her is that it never goes away. Mean girl behavior even carries into adulthood for some.

Thx all who actually contributed useful information
I've learned DD needs to handle her own situations . I need to butt out unless she comes to me for help , advice or just to talk. With middle school just starting , there's still a long road ahead.

Who is the mean girl in the situation? I feel like I missed something.

 

[Pixie Dust ✨]

Who is the mean girl in the situation? I feel like I missed something.

Posters here who think the OP is strange for checking a teen's Snapchat & keeping tabs on the social status of various middle schoolers.

 

[lancermom]

I'm chiming in here. Yes, I realize I am new and this is a first post, but I've not felt much like contributing until now. I have planned a Bat Mitzvah, and can tell you that just because your daughter was not invited does not mean the other girl is a "mean girl." Lines have to be drawn at some point in invitation lists. While there are those that invite EVERYONE, there are those that have to make a cut-off. You said they only talk but don't hang out. For my daughter's event, merely talking to each other was not a reason to invite someone. We had a budget and had to trim the list. I told DD to think hard about who she wanted there. She didn't even invite her whole sports team because it just would have been too much and there were girls on the team that she only interacted with in a team situation and no other time. It did ultimately mean she wasn't invited to some other Bar/Bat Mitzvahs as a result and it was OK. Several years later, no one cares.

You can sit around and say "well, I don't know why so and so was invited. I didn't think they even knew each other" but the truth of the matter is, you have no idea how they know each other.

As far as no one hanging out with the girl, I suspect that was a bit of an exaggeration. At parties like that, the guests don't sit around in a cluster around the child and spend every moment with him or her. Kids move around, they hang out in groups. The kid has to make sure all guests are acknowledged. There is a lot going on.