Dating someone you aren't physically attracted to

[tvguy]

Physical attraction was always the reason I asked a girl out, so I can't answer you question.
Every girl but one that I dated I was physically attracted to, fun to be around, nice, but it wasn't until my wife and I started dating that I got hit over the head with the "this is the person for me" feeling. Funny thing is, we worked together for over 2 years before we started dating.

 

[TheConsciousness]

Hey, everyone could always use more friends!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I have been hanging out with a guy for the past couple months, not really dating per se, just as friends. He is nice guy, he makes me laugh and we have fun when we are together. He has been honest that he would like more but knows that I am not ready to date since my last relationship only ended a few months. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him, "it" just isn't there.

Have you dated someone you are not physically attracted to. Did that ever change? Would you date someone who you are not attracted to?

Yes, I have. The attraction grew fairly quickly, but I was not attracted to him when we met and after first couple dates. It wasn't like I thought he was ugly, he just wasn't my usual type. We had a nice long relationship with a lot of passion.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nope, it doesn't sound like it is there.
Sounds like 'the friend zone' for sure.

And, if it has been months since your last relationship, I am not sure what that has to do with the situation.
Not sure there is any connection there.
Sounds like you might be trying to pin the lack of 'attraction' on that.
Or using that as an excuse to give him to keep the current 'friend' status going.
But, I am not seeing any correlation there.

 

[weeniecat2442]

If you had asked me this six years ago I'd say dont waste your time, if IT'S not there- IT's just not there.
A friend of mine had been hounding me to meet a co-worker of hers for a long time. I was too busy trying to make something work with the guy that had IT! But that's all there was for us. We had NOTHING else in common. I'd seen pictures of my friends co-worker and finally said ok let me come in and meet him quickly. He was cute enough but was not the OMG I had with this other person. But I went out with him and we had a lot in common, a lot of laughs. He was so nervous that he shook my hand after that first date! and after the first few dates! But he kept asking me out, taking me on nice dates and THOUGHTFUL dates. I dont think he properly kissed me until over a month in! and WOW I was shocked to find IT WAS THERE!!!!!
And we are getting married in one week!
We've been together for 5 1/2 years now and I cannot imagine what my life would be like had I not given him a fair chance.

 

[disneychrista]

Have you gone on stuff that felt datelike or done much flirting? If so, and there's no spark after this much time I'd let it go.

We go out for drinks and he almost always buys. There has been some almost jokingly flirting. Nothing serious, at least on my end.

Just wait 'til that attractive guy is in his 60's thirty some years later!!

I'm fast approach upper 40's, he is mid-upper 50's that is just around the corner, not 30 years The kicker here is I have generally dated younger and will admit that that is what I have been attracted to in the past. It is not a "rule" that they have to be younger just the way it has worked out. So I am sure him being an "old guy" is part of the lack of attraction.

Nope, it doesn't sound like it is there.
Sounds like 'the friend zone' for sure.

And, if it has been months since your last relationship, I am not sure what that has to do with the situation.
Not sure there is any connection there.
Sounds like you might be trying to pin the lack of 'attraction' on that.
Or using that as an excuse to give him to keep the current 'friend' status going.
But, I am not seeing any correlation there.

For sure in the "Friends Zone" at this point. My last "relationship" is not why I am not attracted to my friend, being in a relationship has never stopped me from finding someone attractive. It is why I am not ready to pursue more. I am not over the ending of that relationship. I thought it was heading to something more serious and then it abruptly ended. I have been friends/friendly with this guy through that entire relationship and he has been my shoulder to cry on (literally) for the past few months. And yes I do not want the friendship to end. I enjoy his company.

 

[bellebud]

Do you find the guy a little off-putting in any way? Like you look at him and think "ewww". If not, and it's just neutral for you, I'd give it a shot. Have some drinks with him and really imagine kissing him. Life is short. Did you used to watch Friends? Monica was dating Jon Favreau, she thought she didn't like-like him, but then they kissed and she was like "wow!". If Monica can do it, so can you!

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I wasn't particularly attracted to DH when we met - I was 14 and he was 15! I do remember liking his hands...they looked like the hands of a man already at 15, not the scrawny little kid hands of most of my guy friends.

He asked me to date so we did. I really didn't think anything would come of it. He broke up with me about a month later, the night before school started, which terrified me because I was brand new at that school, coming from a small private school of 11 kids in my class. So I convinced him to not break up, not really because I was so attracted to him, but because I needed someone to sit with on the bus and at lunch the next day! lol

Then he started to make me laugh. And started doing little things for me that nobody had ever taken the time to do for me before. And he came and sat with me at my house every afternoon after school while I was raising my baby brother and couldn't go do any of the normal things teens do after school. He invited me to his family's Friday dinners. He really UNDERSTOOD me, and what made me tick.

One day, and I will never forget this day, I looked at him and realized how much in love I was with him, and how I just knew that he was one in a million. That was the day I started investing myself into the relationship.


We've been together for 28 years, married for 20 this July, and I just looked at him last night and burst out laughing at something he said to DS17. And fell in love all over again, for probably the 4,000th time.

 

[nkereina]

There's been men I've dated that I didn't even consider myself attracted to until I got to know them. Their looks didn't draw me in initially, but their personalities made them more attractive to me and I started to view them differently, which ultimately helped the physical part. I think the problem you'll have, OP, is that if you give it a try and it doesn't work out for you, there's a good chance the friendship will be ruined.

 

[disneychrista]

Do you find the guy a little off-putting in any way?

Not eewww so much. But he does kinda reminded me on my uncle in the appearance department. So there is there is that.

I think the problem you'll have, OP, is that if you give it a try and it doesn't work out for you, there's a good chance the friendship will be ruined.

I agree, that is the risk. But I also fear that if/when I started dating someone else this friendship will end anyway. Or at the very least it will change.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm fast approach upper 40's, he is mid-upper 50's that is just around the corner, not 30 years The kicker here is I have generally dated younger and will admit that that is what I have been attracted to in the past. It is not a "rule" that they have to be younger just the way it has worked out. So I am sure him being an "old guy" is part of the lack of attraction.

In answer to your original question, turns out I’m way more shallow than many would guess, so no - I couldn’t be with somebody I thought was homely. And as to the bolded, CAUTION!! My DH and I are almost exactly your ages. It wasn’t an issue when we were 30 & 40 respectively, but it’s becomming moreso now. I’m already starting to think about him being 80 when I’m still in my 60’s.

 

[disneychrista]

There's been men I've dated that I didn't even consider myself attracted to until I got to know them.

The relationship that just ended for me, was kind of like that. I worked with this guy off & on for 15 years but I only really got to know him the past 4. I would not have though of him as attractive before but after really getting to know him I did. We only started dating the past year or so, so I was attracted to him when we started dating.

 

[MrsDuck]

I think the 3 date suggestion is worth considering.

 

[nkereina]

I agree, that is the risk. But I also fear that if/when I started dating someone else this friendship will end anyway. Or at the very least it will change.

That's a good point. And in that case, I might give it a try. Especially if he's an otherwise good person with morals, stability, etc. If their personality is right, the attraction may come. And it sounds like you having nothing to lose if it doesn't work out, because as you mention, the friendship would likely end if you started dating someone else anyhow. Good luck!

 

[pigletto]

I had a “best friend” in my 20’s who I adored. He was awesome and we laughed until our sides ached. He was in love with me and treated me like gold. I loved spending time with him, I loved laughing with him, I trusted him with my thoughts and feelings.. but there was no “there” there. I just was not attracted to him. I actually tried to feel that way and it never materialized. In my experience, it ruined the friendship because no matter how much he said he was content to be friends he really wasn’t, and after a time it was painful for him. I actually ended up dating (and marrying) a mutual friend and he stopped talking to both of us. I regret the way it all transpired. But being 20 something had some major life lessons for me and that was one of them.

Interestingly a few years later he met and married his now wife and started sending me emails to see how I was doing .. at some point after friendly back and forth he started to tell me about some dream he had about me and got really graphic.. which A) surprised me because he wasn’t like that when I hung out with him, and B) made me realize I’d dodged a bullet all those years ago because if I had ended up with him, he was the type of guy who marries someone and then writes graphic emails to women he hasn’t seen in years.

 

[AustinTink]

Just wait 'til that attractive guy is in his 60's thirty some years later!!

Mine is middle-aged, balding and shaped like Homer Simpson now but he still makes my heart skip a beat when I look at him. We will see how I feel in another decade or so.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think physical attraction isn’t limited to appearance. One can easily be physically attracted to someone who isn’t their “type” appearance wise if there’s an emotional attachment. If you’re not feeling it, there’s probably a lack of emotional attachment too.

 

[ronandannette]

Mine is middle-aged, balding and shaped like Homer Simpson now but he still makes my heart skip a beat when I look at him. We will see how I feel in another decade or so.

So sweet!

 

[adelaster]

I have been hanging out with a guy for the past couple months, not really dating per se, just as friends. He is nice guy, he makes me laugh and we have fun when we are together. He has been honest that he would like more but knows that I am not ready to date since my last relationship only ended a few months. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him, "it" just isn't there.

Have you dated someone you are not physically attracted to. Did that ever change? Would you date someone who you are not attracted to?

Yes, twice. Did not work for me. I ended up dumping both of them in a very short amount of time.

I think there is a benefit in being friends with someone with no expectations of a relationship emerging. Sometimes attraction can grow over time- developing with the affection.

My advice based on personal experience is don't force It.

 

[Kitty 34]

Mine is middle-aged, balding and shaped like Homer Simpson now but he still makes my heart skip a beat when I look at him. We will see how I feel in another decade or so.

I so agree with you!! My DH's attractiveness (back in the day) was replaced with unconditional love and tolerance, even when I can be a "bit" grouchy. He would go to the ends of the earth to bring back that McDonald's cheeseburger even in a snowstorm!