Dating a deadbeat.....Pay me my money, jerk.

[karice2]

This is the budget board and I know that there will be people who can understand my vent. Have to get this off my chest.

At one point I was dating someone who didn't have a job. He had a job when we started dating but lost it and then couldn't get another one for about 9 months. When he got a job, I was making significantly more than him. Think 3X his salary so there was definitely a difference in what he could afford to do with me.

Well during the course of our dating, I loaned him money for basic living expenses. Things like gas, food, rent, etc.

We did stuff together and I paid most of the time. I didn't mind that because I benefitted as well and I didn't want him to feel bad.

Long story short, we stopped dating. Not because of the money but because of other issues. Now I am so angry because we still keep in touch and he talks about all the stuff that he is buying for himself.

Things like flat screen T.V.s, jumbo mirror for the bedroom, granite table and chairs and lord knows what else. All I can think about is where is my money?

I don't need the money. I have been taught that you never lend what you can't afford to lose but I get so ticked when I hear about all the crap that he is buying. He owes me about $2000. That could be funding my next vacation.

I officially closed the book on us having any sort of relationship last year but try to stay pleasant so I can get some of my money back. I just had to vent. The payments he does send are so little when I know he is buying unnecessary stuff. I want to yell at him every time, eat ramen noodles and pay me my money.

Vent over.

 

[shortbun]

Yeah, I can see how you'd be really frustrated. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Money destroys friendships. Never 'loan' money. Give it as a sincere gift. If you get it back sometime, it will be a pleasant suprise. You need to shake lose of your judgements. I'm not saying you are wrong, just saying your expectations have become your disappointments. People rarely/almost never behave as we think they should. Shoulda, coulda, woulda - these words just poison us.

 

[hereyago]

T




i doubt he is paying for all this himself unless maxing out credit cards, or doing some rent to own stuff. he probably found another female to help him out. And I was one of those females who wanted to "help" and not have someone feel bad and I married him We had 1 car, mine. I special ordered it and had it before I met him, but he would tell people it was his car.

Ironically, my need to help,etc stopped. He cheated and left. by this time we had our dd2 at the time. I had him sign an agreement to pay half for certain things we incurred together and my windshield that was somehow smashed. He signed it but he thought I would take him back cause I had before our dd was born. going to court for child support, child custody. the judge awarded me alimony for the amount of what he owed me-which we were married 3 years and I wouldn't have gotten any alimony but he was stupid enough to sign it thinking I would take him back.

10 years later: his GF one of many he has had. I adore her, treats my DD as her own. However, she makes more, he still has no car in his name, nothing in his name. He would move in with girls live off them cheat and move on to the next.

If you don't have a signed agreement for him to pay you, move on stop talking to him. and learn from it. If there is no ring on the finger, no helping with anything the next time and even then think of it is business and say ok, i will loan this money but here is a agreement with payment dates.

 

[Hannathy]

Did he know it was a loan ? or did he think you were giving it to him?

if he knew it was a loan I would let him know you would like the repayment to start.
i'm not saying you will get any off it back but at least you will know you tried!

Just be glad you quit dating him! Any body who doesn't pay his debts isn't worth dating.

 

[Marionnette]

This is the budget board and I know that there will be people who can understand my vent. Have to get this off my chest.

At one point I was dating someone who didn't have a job. He had a job when we started dating but lost it and then couldn't get another one for about 9 months. When he got a job, I was making significantly more than him. Think 3X his salary so there was definitely a difference in what he could afford to do with me.

Well during the course of our dating, I loaned him money for basic living expenses. Things like gas, food, rent, etc.

We did stuff together and I paid most of the time. I didn't mind that because I benefitted as well and I didn't want him to feel bad.

Long story short, we stopped dating. Not because of the money but because of other issues. Now I am so angry because we still keep in touch and he talks about all the stuff that he is buying for himself.

Things like flat screen T.V.s, jumbo mirror for the bedroom, granite table and chairs and lord knows what else. All I can think about is where is my money?

I don't need the money. I have been taught that you never lend what you can't afford to lose but I get so ticked when I hear about all the crap that he is buying. He owes me about $2000. That could be funding my next vacation.

I officially closed the book on us having any sort of relationship last year but try to stay pleasant so I can get some of my money back. I just had to vent. The payments he does send are so little when I know he is buying unnecessary stuff. I want to yell at him every time, eat ramen noodles and pay me my money.

Vent over.

I just got a mental picture of dude sitting at his granite table, slurping down Ramen while watching something like Pawn Stars.

I guess you could be thankful that he's paying you back at all. But I totally understand why you are ticked off.

 

[cglaura]

I too have the philosophy that you don't lend people close to you money. You give it to them and if you get it back, then bonus.

I'd suggest to distance yourself from him all together. You don't need people in your life who do not respect you.

One of those "surround yourself with good energy and good energy will come back to you" type of things.

The frustration of this is eating away at you at some level, and I know easier said than done, but just let it go. Out of your mind completely. Done. If you don't have contact with him you can't let his behavior bother you. Don't let his jerkiness affect your happiness.

Either that or drag his butt onto courtTV

 

[karice2]

Did he know it was a loan ? or did he think you were giving it to him?

if he knew it was a loan I would let him know you would like the repayment to start.
i'm not saying you will get any off it back but at least you will know you tried!

Just be glad you quit dating him! Any body who doesn't pay his debts isn't worth dating.

Oh he knew it was a loan. It was a very clear statement. Can you loan me,....? Yes I will loan you, when you start working again you can pay me back.

I know that he is a big qvc and hsn fan. He also went back to school a couple of times and uses his student loan money to pay for some stuff.

There were a lot of reasons why we broke up but that was one of the reasons why I just let it go. If you aren't decent enough to pay back the money to someone that you "love", then you are not a good person to be with.

I assure you, I will not be recycling anymore boyfriends. That is a whole 'nother topic.

 

[gillenkl]

try to stay pleasant so I can get some of my money back.

I think you better just forget about it - you aren't getting your money back - plain and simple. Forget being friends and move on. You can be pleasant all you want.....but your money is long gone and won't return to you. Lesson learned.

 

[eliza61]

Loaning money to friends and family is pretty much like "giving" money to friends and family.

Op, unfortunately we all have these battle scars. from boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, brothers, cousins etc etc.

Consider it the experience of a ex boyfriend and move on.

 

[csharpwv]

I totally agree - when I was in college, had a decent job, and had some disposable income I kept a small amount of money 'stashed' away to loan to friends when they got in a pinch - I usually kept around $200 to loan out - and the funny thing is, I always loaned money knowing that if I didn't get it back - I would still be OK because it wasn't money that I needed to cover living expenses etc.

I must have loaned that same $200 out 10 different times and by the grace of God and honesty of my friends I always got it back - and eventually that $200 got up to around $300 or so from friends being so thankful to have someone in their life to catch them when they were in a tight spot.

After getting married, I finally decided it wasn't good to keep that much money around the house because I'm a little paranoid about stuff like that. But still - I don't mind loaning money at all, and I'm not afraid of losing it - HOWEVER - just like you, I can't stand the thought of someone that owes money not being respectful enough to manage their finances to make good on the promise of repayment.

It's just not right - and by all means - I don't blame you for wanting to vent. After he sends/gives you payment next time, be sure to remind him of how long it will take him to pay off his 'loan' if he keeps up paying at his current pace.

You were kind enough to help him out - he needs to be kind and thankful enough to make right on his debt to you.

Fair is fair.

 

[redandblue]

I would consider the money an expensive learning experience and cut contact. Don't waste your energy on him, it will drive you insane hearing about his purchases.

Find a man with a little pride. I could never understand men who could leach off a woman. It is one thing to let her pay for a meal or something if you are low on cash but to actually ask for money to pay bills. NOPE, not unless we are married and I have already established he is not a deadbeat.

 

[pat fan]

Don't you watch Judge Judy???

Seriously, I doubt you will ever get it back. We had to lend $$ to my DH's sis and I told him, we can tell her she has to pay it back, but between us we know it won't be and we have to be cool with that before we "lend" it. And we were, so we gave it to her. I'm sorry that he's a jerk, but as J. Judy says, consider it a well-earned lesson and move on being wiser.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I understand how you'd be upset. Just be happy you cut your losses at $2000. I know people like you ex. They dont have money for bills , gifts,or paying back loans but they have money for their toys and having a goodtime. It's because they can get away with it. Next man that comes around playing the i dont have any money or I'm broke game, take it as a RED FLAG!!!!! I say this because you sound like a good person and willing to help others you love and care about but learn to say "its ok, i'm broke too we can stay home" you will see their true colors.

When I lived at home with my mom I worked 2 jobs, helped her with some bills but it was still cheaper then living on my own. I always paid cash no creditcards so i always had money. My Sis and brother treated me like an ATM machine. I finally started saying no and all heck would breakout.

When i moved in with my husband things changed but my broiand sis didnt and they were the type to stiff you. Well my mom told me when you say your broke people will leave you alone so I started telling them sorry I'm broke and need money for my own bills. Everytime they'd come around crying they needed money, I'd start crying about bills and work blah blah blah. They didnt like hearing me and finally left me alone-lol!

Good people alway get taken advantage of.

You want your money back tell him your getting a large sum of money in a few month but you need money to get it. I bet he'd pay you so he can enjoy some of your new money-lol! Hopefully you do recover some of your money from him but dont let him enjoy anymore on your $$. Good Luck

 

[DVCBELLE]

Let him and the money go....

you don't need either of them and you will be happier without both of them - getting along with him is not worth the money particularly since it is likely you will never see the money again.

If you have anything in writing then I would let him know in writing that you expect him to pay you the remaining balance by April 15 or you will be taking him to small claims court.

I would then let it go...don't really take him to court threaten to and then be done with him. It might scare him enough to pay you back.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Have you thought about contacting one of the "Judge Whoever" TV "courts"? It is my understanding if they take the case they will actually make the payment of any judgement. And it will work to show the world what kind of guy he is.

 

[HookdonWDW]

This is why I make it a policy not to "loan" money to people if I know that I'll want/need it back in the future. It just causes too many problems. If I get the money back, I look at it as a bonus.

Realistically, if their money management skills were that great in the first place, they wouldn't need a loan...

 

[cm8]

Let him and the money go....

you don't need either of them and you will be happier without both of them - getting along with him is not worth the money particularly since it is likely you will never see the money again.

If you have anything in writing then I would let him know in writing that you expect him to pay you the remaining balance by April 15 or you will be taking him to small claims court.

I would then let it go...don't really take him to court threaten to and then be done with him. It might scare him enough to pay you back.

I agree. I was in the same situation except it was my sister. She can afford to pay me back, she just chose not to. It can wear you down when you see them buying things they claim they can not afford, or flying here and there and eating out. I had to just let it go. No, I did not think it was right of her to swindle me out of $$$$$$ but she did so. Her day is coming though. I felt the same way as you too( eaten ramen noodles) as well. I decided not to let it get the best of me and let all the bitterness that I felt as well out too.


I learned a great lesson though, never loan her $20,000 ever again,,

 

[sherry7]

I'm thinking of it in this context....

$2,000 vs. marriage to a dead beat and probable future divorce.

In the grand scheme of things, you got off cheaply.