Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

 

[mnsprk]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.


'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Walt Disney World. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; Big Thunder Mountain, The Tower of Terror, Mission Space, the Rockin Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Eight hours later they staggered out of the theme parks. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story is; "EVEN WHEN A MAN IS LISTENING HE STILL GETS IT WRONG"!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

You've heard these before, here they are again:

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY DISNEY OBSESSION
10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.
9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.
8. Your favorite song is "Zippity-Doo-Dah".
7. When you hear people talking about "the underprivileged", you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.
6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonald's employees as "cast members".
5. You've added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.
4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.
3. Your children's names are Ariel and Alladin.
2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.
1. You're reading this.

-------------------------------

- The dumbest questions ever asked to Cast Members

· What time is the 3:00 parade?
· What time will it stop raining?
· Why is it raining?
· Is the wait really 15 minutes, or are you trying to trick us?
· How do I get to Magic Mountain?
· How much extra do you get paid for smiling?

At the Disney-MGM Studios:
. How come there aren't any rides here?
. Where do they show all the movies?
. Where is the Castle?
. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

At the Hollywood Tower of Terror:
. Is it a real hotel? How much does it cost to stay there?
. This is just a simulator, right? We didn't really fall, did we?
. Was that the real MGM Studios we saw when those doors opened, or a model?
. I just ate, like, food, you know. Will I be okay?
. What is this ride really like? What happens? Are those real people in there?
------------------------------------
GUEST: I just want to take my grandson to Disney World. I don't want to go to Epcot or anything. Just Disney World.
CM: Well, Disney World is the name of the whole resort. I believe the park you're thinking of is the Magic Kingdom.
GUEST: No, I don't want to go to the Magic Kingdom. I just want to go to Disney World.
CM: You mean the park with the castle, right?
GUEST: Yeah, Disney World
CM: Yes, ma'am, that's the....yes, that's Disney World. We sell four-day hoppers, five-day hoppers....

 

[Modeltrf]

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones? " he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change. " Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes. " "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes. "

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman?

4 Food Groups:
Pizza, Coffee, Chocolate and Sex.


Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.



The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.


It's called "fast" food because you're supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwide, you might actually taste it.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

_______________________________

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans." "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at h er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"

_________________________________

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Blonde Jokes,,we all love'm. Well, almost all.

Did'ja hear about,

The blonde who returned a scarf because she thought it was too tight.

The blonde couldn't go water skiing because she couldn't find a lake with a slope on it.

The blonde couldn't call 911 because she couldn't find the 11 button on the phone.

The blonde thought the capital of California was "C".

_________________________________


One day a blonde was walking down the street. When a police officer stoped her and said miss did you realize that your blouse is open and your cleavage is hanging out. She replied oh my god I left the baby on the bus.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

E-Mail Humor,,


How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while
Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the
Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers
Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT

Is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
Blame Bill Gates .

 

[tellnotails]

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

 

[tellnotails]

A Green Bay Packer Fan


A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
But the Packer Fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
Exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to
Sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."


The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was
Born!"

The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's
Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
Proudly says,

"...Had him circumcised!"

 

[JCJRSmith]

A young American couple entered a restaurant near Mexico City’s huge bullring, the Monumental. It is the largest in the world and can accommodate in excess of 100,000 aficionados, or fans.
A waiter glided past carrying a tray on which sat a plate with two oval pieces of what looked like meat upon it. As he was returning, the young man enquired, “What did you just serve that table, if you don’t mind me asking.” “Not at all, sir,” the waiter replied, “They are the cojones of one of the bulls killed in the Plaza, you know, the testicles.” The young chap smiled at his blushing wife, “Hey, honey, I have heard they make you strong, let’s order some.” “Oh,” the waiter said, “There are none left today, senor, you have to order them today for next Sunday.” Bullfights are only held on Sundays in Mexico and usually four bulls meet their death by the sword, so this only allows four pairs of testicles to be sold as they are only eaten when they come from the fighting bulls.
The upshot was that the young couple ordered a serving for the following Sunday and arrived promptly at 10:00 PM to await their order.
They were most disappointed to see arriving with the same waiter a tiny pair of shrivelled objects. “Hey,” the young man protested, “They are not like the large ones we saw being served last week!”
“Si, senor,” the waiter said, wringing his hands apologetically. “But sometimes the bull wins!”

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A Green Bay Packer Fan


A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
But the Packer Fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
Exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to
Sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."


The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was
Born!"

The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's
Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
Proudly says,

"...Had him circumcised!"

 

[mnsprk]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

 

[fugarwe]

What did the boy bunny say to the girl bunny?












This won't take long, did it?

 

[FloridaTeacher]

What did the doe say as she came out of the woods?








That's the last time I do that for two bucks.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM




1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:




"Bubba,


Bertha, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.Cooter

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Redneck Valentine Poem


Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

Happy Valentines day you purty thang.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Stole these jokes,,

9 out of ten constipated people really don't give a crap.

___________________________

A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per year. Another survey revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.

Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.

___________________________


**Daily Thought:**
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

__________________________

Why are womens feet smaller than mens?

A - so they can stand closer to the sink when they wash the dishes.

________________________

..How do you get a sweet little 80-year old lady to curse ?

Get another sweet little 80-year old to yell "BINGO!"

________________________

Why don't blind people sky dive?- It scares the dog.