Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

Silly Things To Do At Christmas

1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.

3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.

4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless jerks for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.

6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.

7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.

8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.

9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".

10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.

11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
urns.

12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!

13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.

14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.

15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.

16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.

17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.

18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
decorations.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write
notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right,
so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A shorttime later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandmatook out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

'They won't let me fart.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent
local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the
tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he
is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he
can't be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states
that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Santa's Favorite Joke

Let me tell you about the Ice Nymphs. Once three nymphs were
sleeping in the same bed. It was so crowded that one got out and
slept on the floor. After a while, one of the Nymphs said to the
one on the floor, "You ought to get back in the bed with us.
There's lots more room now!"...

People always have questions about Santa"s reindeer. For instance, they
want to know why reindeer wear bells. He tells them it's because
their horns don't work.....Or they ask, "How much reindeer feed
do you get for a quarter?" santa's answer: "None. Quarters don't eat
reindeer feed!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
Ans: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do Canadians find turkey so popular at Christmas?
Ans: Because the weather warmer there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He's a fun guy to be with.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Ans: Hose A, and Hose B
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Where do sheep get their hair cut?
Ans: At the baa baa shop.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened when the snowman annoyed the snowwoman?
Ans. She gave him the cold shoulder.

 

[mnsprk]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "And gentlemen, remember, you're in this together; it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor."

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Psychological Christmas Songs


SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are...

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell....

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

 

[Born 2 Fish]

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

 

[Lil' Lisa]

.

 

[Lil' Lisa]

.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Where does mistletoe migrate to become rich and famous? Holly-Wood!

Romeo: What would it take to make you give me a kiss under the Christmas mistletoe ?
Juliette: An anaesthetic

You are so hideously ugly, that at Christmas, we hang you up and kiss mistletoe instead.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

 

[mnsprk]

It's late Fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a ****load of firewood'

 

[tellnotails]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.




When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[tellnotails]

An Old Jewish Man...

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a !@#%*g wall."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

... The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian:
"In Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.


And this was my 9000th post !!!!!

 

[jriae2000]

May I be the first to congradulate you on a fine choice for the great event. By the way, I use your jokes often. Thanks Frank.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.