Daddy involvement - feeling resentful

[cats7494]

My Dh has been feeling frustrated and maybe a little resentful towards me. Our daughter, who is 13 weeks old, cries more when he holds her.
When I hold her - she rarely cries and if she does cry - it stops almost immediately. I have told him that since I am breastfeeding, I am meeting one of her major needs right now...hunger. So she associates this need being met with me.
He has been able to feed her with pumped breastmilk - but since I am back to work now, I really need to use more of the pumped milk for when I am at work and am not available.
How can I make my husband feel better about this? Iit is straining our relationship a little bit.
I am feeling almost guilty for breastfeeding but I am not going to stop doing it because it is best for our daughter. I am feeling frustrated and a little hurt as well. Honestly, I do not feel very appreciated right now. Breastfeeding is not exactly the easiest thing to do.
Sorry for rambling..but suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Evil Queen]

Also, if he's nervous, she may be picking up on that. My kids did.

also..... I figured you might need one. Hope things get better.

 

[golfgal]

I went through this with my DH with our oldest. A lot of it was HOW he was holding him, he would always hold him laying down, cradled and DS really liked being up on your shoulder. He would get very defensive when I pointed that out so I basically let him figure it out on his own.

I think the best thing you can do is give your DH more baby care responsibilities, let him bathe her, feed her when possible, change diapers, etc. Your DD is just more comfortable with you, which is pretty normal. Take an evening off and let your Dh figure some things out on his own with your DD and you can go out with some friends or whatever.

DD went through a stage where she would scream bloody murder if anyone but me held her, it was such a lovely month .

 

[Christine]

Tell your DH that this is very normal. I did not breastfeed and we still had the same issues. I think that while I was on maternity leave, I did spend more time with the baby during the day. Let's face it, at that age, they are purely instinct driven and they identify you not only by sight, but smell and sound of voice and the way your body feels next to them. Your baby is used to that and this is what she identifies with the most. Your DH, unfortunately, does not feel that way to your baby yet. As your baby gets older and relies more on visual cues for comfort, this will go away.

 

[Spinning]

This is what we did to make sure there was lots of bonding time.
Breast feeding is only one area of care. But there is diaper changes, baths, play time, etc....
I did the breast feeding so DH job was to bath the kids and he also changed almost all the diapers when he was home! I don't think he ever felt resentful or not needed.
Also he would go and get the kids when it was time to feed them.
I wouldn't use up bottled breast milk for him to feed her. You need to keep up your supply and active breast feeding is best for that.
just make sure you are letting him do other type of care and not just doing it all...which some times we mom's just tend to do.
Also I agree with golf gal, let him deal with it for some alone time. Go get your haircut, take a walk etc...with out the baby or him.
Enjoy! This time passes so quickly!

 

[mrsltg]

It's very normal. Newborns prefer their mom - it's biological. They know their mother's scent, her voice, her touch, her face (though not clearly at this point). Dh needs to relax and understand this is ok. It doesn't mean he's a bad father or the baby won't grow up to love him, just that she needs her mother right now. When mine were newborns they did the same thing. Nothing calmed them like my voice, my touch, etc. To this day they are still my girls (5 and 11mos). The baby is going through a mommy-attachment stage again and I keep reminding myself that while annoying at times, this person trusts me completely - amazing! Oh great, now I want to go home and get some drewl-y kisses!

 

[CEDmom]

I know our DD latched onto me much more quickly than my DH - it's pretty common. What worked for us was for him to assume some of her physical care like giving her a bath and also to spend some alone time with her. Have your DH take your DD for a walk or just rock her. Just ensure he gets ample one on one time with your DD everyday.

Good luck - before you know it she'll be a total Daddy's girl .

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with everyone else. Hannah attached herself to me when she was a baby, and at 6 she still hasn't let go. But Daddy is very involved in her life too. Bath time is a great opportunity for them to bond. DH used to bathe with the girls when they were little. I don't think I gave either one of them a bath for the first two or three years of their lives. He is still the king of baths today!

Good luck. You will figure out something that works for your family!

Denae

 

[Monte Cristo]

We have a 7 week old so we are new parents also. My wife is breastfeeding as well and she does seem more calm in her arms. I think it's only natural. I take care of her as soon as I get home from work. This not only gives me the opportunity to "bond" with her, but it also gives my wife a break. We have done this at night a few times as well....wife goes to bed and our daughter and I go to the other side of the house for the night. I feed her breastmilk from a bottle. Again, this gives her a break and makes me responsible for feeding/changing/etc. This has made our daughter feel (I think!) more comfortable with me...she settles down real easy, sleeps good with me there, etc. I would suggest you do that.

IMHO, and I am not passing judgement on your DH or anything, but if he is harboring resentment towards you or it is straining your relationship, it seems that it's an issue that he needs to deal with. Gosh, after the birth of our child, if it was possible for me to love my wife more, I do!

edited to add: BTW, Congratulations.

 

[jeast]

Be careful you are not getting into the 'no one else can take care of her correctly except for me' mode. I think it's really common with new mothers, especially. I did it myself.

Take the suggestion to get out for a while and leave her with him. He'll manage just fine, even if he doesn't do it your way

 

[cats7494]

Thank you all for your words! I appreciate all the advice.

I have left baby with dh while I have done some errands and he does just fine and I went to a softball game of my other daughter's (it was way too cold, wet, and windy for baby.)
I agree - I have to be careful about thinking "mommy does it best"...I try very hard to be sensitive to that. It has just been frustrating and I feel like I have done all I can do to involve him.
He does love playing with her and he does this every night too.
I'm a little torn...he says I don't have to ask him for help - that he will do things- but if I don't ask, he doesn't. I am in a catch 22. *sigh*

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

It's very normal. Newborns prefer their mom - it's biological. They know their mother's scent, her voice, her touch, her face (though not clearly at this point).

This is true. Babies hear your voice in the womb and recognize your intonations when they are born. it's why babies often turn to their mom's voice. Also, you give off pheromones (like hormonal perfume) and it is recognizable to your newborn. If you think about it, it is biological survival...moms & babies need to identify each other in nature. It just makes sense. However, does the baby look like him? There have been anthropology studies that show that most babies look like the father at birth, even if they change later. It is supposed to be a genetic surivival signal so that the fathers don't deny them...mention this to your DH if it's true, it might give him a boost. Of course, if the baby doesn't look like him, nevermind!!!!!!!!

GOOD LUCK!!
Also I agree if he is nervous, that doesn't help!

 

[Lyn5]

It is a hard time. My oldest, DS, was fine with going to most people and DH took great care of him. Then, when DD came along, she would only go to either my Mom or I. Noone else! She would scream as loud as she could if any of my in-laws picked her up (or sometimes just looked at her). It very was a difficult situation and I think she still makes my in-laws nervous at times, but that is her personality . It wasn't until my DD was 18 months old, on a trip to DL, that DH felt she was finally "Daddy's little girl". My DH wasn't resentful, but he was sad that DD initially only wanted my Mom and I. But, she is who she is....stubborn like her mom. I don't have any advice, my DH is a great dad, but my DD just wanted me and grandma. She is almost 4 now and is really great about playing with anyone and LOVES her daddy, but she is still stubborn and headstrong. Goodluck, please take care of yourself and baby