Dad Made Me Feel Like a Total Loser

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I did call my mom on Christmas, 3 times as a matter of fact.
But, she just called my and told me to ignore him, she doesn't care about not getting a card or anything else. He's got mental problems, always has, always will. She says he's getting worse. But now I feel better that she's not the one upset but I'm already looking for a bday gift.

Glad to hear that your DM is not upset. And sorry that people piled on you.

 

[clovergirl5]

I did call my mom on Christmas, 3 times as a matter of fact.
But, she just called my and told me to ignore him, she doesn't care about not getting a card or anything else. He's got mental problems, always has, always will. She says he's getting worse. But now I feel better that she's not the one upset but I'm already looking for a bday gift.

Thank the heavens for loving, forgiving moms!
Glad you feel better

 

[justhat]

I could write you a book on TRULY dysfunctional. I barely speak to my mother for my own sake as well as that of my children. I bet I haven't seen her in person in two years. She's not good for me. But you know what? I call her every Christmas and for her birthday because that what kids do, they call their moms even when they don't feel like it. Why make her feel bad just to be mean or make a point? That's just petty. The OP has not hinted at any serious problems with her mother, they seem to be with her father. She forgot to send her mom a Christmas card she should feel guilty or at least embarrassed. I'm with those that say suck it up and call your mom.

I get your point, but I have to say that I think it's a parent's job to call their kids too. Even if your kid turns out to be a total jerk and you don't get along at all, I can't imagine how I'd feel if my mom *never* called me.

And this is the case with the OP, her mom never does call her. How far does someone have to keep reaching in that case? She sends a card every year and 1 year falls behind and forgets and everyone is attacking her? Honestly, if my mom never called me, I can't imagine being too excited to rush out and buy her a card.


OP - Glad your mom wasn't the one hurt/complaining. Don't beat yourself up over it, people forget things, it's not the end of the world.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Thanks to those of you who say I'm not a loser. I spent so much time and money making my daughter happy that I didn't do the cards this year. I feel really bad and will probably make up for it on Valentine's day and Easter. And usually my mom doesn't care about gifts I think it was my dad finding a reason to grump. I'm not sure she knows he called and will probably get mad at him.

And it appears this time as well, your mom didn't doesn't care about a gift. But she DOES seem to care about the card - enough to mention it to your dad, and for him to call you.

Since you call your mom every day, is there any way you might have remembered to tell her before Christmas that you weren't going to be able to send out cards this year? Apologize in advance? Apparently, a Christmas card from you is something she expects, and probably even cherishes.

 

[jaminmd]

op....we all make mistakes, even with our parents. I don't find it a huge deal like some pp are making it to be. at many of the rude, kick you when your down remarks here.

Any loving mom is a forgiving mom. Im sure you would be too if your dd forgot something. I would just give your mom a call and tell her you are sorry. Im sure there is a hug for you at the other end of that phonecall.

On a side note, I wouldn't worry about what your dad thinks, just focus on mom. Cheer up girl, YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! SMILE!!

Seriously, some of you people are making the OP out to be a monster.

I hope that if my DD ever forgets to send me a card I won't pull any of this guilt nonsense on her. The every day relationship between people is more important than any card or gift anyone could ever give me.

People forget. It's not like she committed a murder.

 

[rcpae]

OP: I'm glad everything worked out for you. Although, I'm sorry that your dad is difficult.

One thing I try to live by and I tell my kids all the time is: You have to be able to lay your head down at night.

If this means apologizing or just calling someone to make sure everything is ok than do that. It's not important to me that I make everyone happy, but it is important that I don't have any regrets.

 

[alexandria674]

I am glad to hear that you called your mom. Because of past history with your dad, I think he was out of line. I also feel that you were angry at your dad but also had guilt with about your mom and his call was the last thing you needed. However (and not to "gang up on you" as some would think) I wouldn't of said that the Holidays came too fast, you just have to catch up.

 

[Robindianne]

I think that most of the previous posters are coming from an entirely different place than you and I are. What they don't realize is that the rules of civil behavior are different when you are part of a truly dysfunctional family.

I know that everyone tosses around the phrase "dysfunctional family" and jokes that they have one. But when you are the child of the mentally unwell or abusive, you do not have to feel guilty for not being the attentive, doting daughter.

It is the parents' responsibility to build a healthy relationship with their children that will endure into adulthood. We grown children can try with all our might, but if our parents are physically or emotionally neglectful, we will never succeed in having a "normal" relationship.

Do not let others who have no idea what your life is like make you feel guilty. Maybe you "forgot" to send a card because deep down you are tired of pretending that everything is okay. Maybe you are hurt by the way your parents have treated you since childhood. It really is okay to make your mental health your priority. I highly recommend that you do some research on various personality disorders and see if any traits sound like your parents... and then reach out for professional help, if you are so inclined.

Best wishes, hon.

 

[JR6ooo4]

How can you be affected by comments from someone who's opinion you do not respect?

sucks that he did that though...

Mikeeee

 

[sbell111]

Am sorry he made you feel so bad, and especially for you not giving a christmas present, SHEESH. And for those that said she deserved to be treated that way SHAME SHAME. The day that any adult demands a present from me and then gives me grief if I forget or cant is the day they get no more!

Don't feel ashamed seriosuly it's just another day in 365...It's not your job in life to make your parents happy. If your mother isn't understanding to the fact that you were probably busy and didn't have time then that's on her not you ...Not to mention if your father is that much of a bum and hasn't spoken to you in years why even value his opinion?

Well I don't agree with PP's. I do not understand getting bent out of shape over not receiving a card, I mean really?

I would prefer a phone call thank you. I hate all the ritual over "Hallmark Holidays".

If the "mom" in this situation was "hurt", how about she pick up the phone and say...."honey, I missed your card this yr" and then chat with her dd.

I am glad my family does not play these games. I will not do it to my kids either. They can send me something or nothing. If I want to chat with them I will call.

What they said.

 

[RitaZ.]

And this is the case with the OP, her mom never does call her. How far does someone have to keep reaching in that case? She sends a card every year and 1 year falls behind and forgets and everyone is attacking her? Honestly, if my mom never called me, I can't imagine being too excited to rush out and buy her a card.

It appears that her mom did call her.

I did call my mom on Christmas, 3 times as a matter of fact.
But, she just called my and told me to ignore him, she doesn't care about not getting a card or anything else. He's got mental problems, always has, always will. She says he's getting worse. But now I feel better that she's not the one upset but I'm already looking for a bday gift.

OP, glad that everything worked out between you and your mom.

 

[disneymarie]

More issues going on here then a card,
You are not going to be able to fix it all with a card, but if you love your Mom do something. She won't be here forever. You will one day find yourself picking up the phone to call her and she won't be there.

I think you are more po'd that your Dad made the call, but Mom was sucking it up not to tell you how it hurt.
Get a smushy card that tells her how you feel. To her it may have felt like a kid waking up Christmas morning and not having gifts. Put aside the feelings with your Dad for your Mom's sake.

 

[cheermom1]

I don't think you are a loser you messed up - sure it hurt your mom and you fell bad --that is the important thing here is that you do feel bad or you would not have posted at all ...now just get your mom something and tell her that you messed up and get over it. we ALL make mistakes including the ones that ripped on you (even though they will never admit it)...

as for your dad don't put anything into what he thinks why would you care? he is toxic don't worry about him...

I'm glad things are better after you talked to your mom and things are on the right track now...

 

[MoonFaerie]

OP, I can totally relate.

A couple of years ago, I took my mom out for her birthday a few days before her birthday. (It was the best we could coordinate with everyone's schedules.) Then, actually on her birthday, I called her when she got home from work. That happened to be dinner time for us though, and I had to get off the phone almost right away. Dinner with 2 toddlers can be fun sometimes. I figured I'd call her back after I got the kids to bed and dh was home. While I was getting the kids ready for bed, my stepdad called to tell me how upset my mom was that I hadn't told her happy birthday. I told him the deal, and I told him that had they just waited another 20 mins, I would have called back. She was so butthurt, even after I did call her again, that she completely ignored my birthday 2 months later.

 

[sbell111]

If I had a dollar for every year that we bought cards and never got them sent out, I would have stopped at Starbucks on the way to work this morning.

 

[sbell111]

Really. Who can't understand that? Are there some of you that really have such neat perfect lives that you never get overwhelmed and stuff gets overlooked or put on the back burner until things slow down? If so, consider me jealous. Or maybe not, because my friends and family completely understand and help me out when I need it. I love my crazy life.

OP, I can totally relate.

A couple of years ago, I took my mom out for her birthday a few days before her birthday. (It was the best we could coordinate with everyone's schedules.) Then, actually on her birthday, I called her when she got home from work. That happened to be dinner time for us though, and I had to get off the phone almost right away. Dinner with 2 toddlers can be fun sometimes. I figured I'd call her back after I got the kids to bed and dh was home. While I was getting the kids ready for bed, my stepdad called to tell me how upset my mom was that I hadn't told her happy birthday. I told him the deal, and I told him that had they just waited another 20 mins, I would have called back. She was so butthurt, even after I did call her again, that she completely ignored my birthday 2 months later.

Somebody needs to buy some big girl pants.

 

[cheermom1]

Somebody needs to buy some big girl pants.

Really?? so you are saying that you would feel the least bit hurt if your mom ignored your b-day after she threw a stink about you not calling her after the dd clearly called her but had to go?? ..at least she was trying ..her mom didn't even try...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Really?? so you are saying that you would feel the least bit hurt if your mom ignored your b-day after she threw a stink about you not calling her after the dd clearly called her but had to go?? ..at least she was trying ..her mom didn't even try...

I was hoping she was referring to mom "paying her back".

 

[cheermom1]

I was hoping she was referring to mom "paying her back".

Ok I see where you are going I read it a different way than you did I guess..I read as she was saying that her mom threw a stick about her not saying happy b-day even though she called but had to go ..but then didn't even acknowledged her dd b-day not even a call...

edited to add: I am very bad about forgetting family's b-days and stuff but my family knows that and most of the time I get texts from other family reminding me and I'll call then..it is a running joke in family that at least she has til midnight ..LOL

 

[bumbershoot]

I think that most of the previous posters are coming from an entirely different place than you and I are. What they don't realize is that the rules of civil behavior are different when you are part of a truly dysfunctional family.

But when you are the child of the mentally unwell or abusive, you do not have to feel guilty for not being the attentive, doting daughter.

It is the parents' responsibility to build a healthy relationship with their children that will endure into adulthood. We grown children can try with all our might, but if our parents are physically or emotionally neglectful, we will never succeed in having a "normal" relationship.

Do not let others who have no idea what your life is like make you feel guilty. Maybe you "forgot" to send a card because deep down you are tired of pretending that everything is okay. Maybe you are hurt by the way your parents have treated you since childhood. It really is okay to make your mental health your priority. I highly recommend that you do some research on various personality disorders and see if any traits sound like your parents... and then reach out for professional help, if you are so inclined.

Best wishes, hon.

I agree a million times!!!!!!!!!!! And I don't even consider my father to be that dysfunctional...well, I think we were until I got OVER it and stopped letting him treat me like he was treating me. We were visiting in '07 and he started his junk, swearing up a storm and calling his wife ugly names in front of my son...his other kids won't say boo to him, but I told him in no uncertain terms that he was NOT to talk like that. I very obviously sent my husband and son out of the house and had a long talk with him.

He has treated me very very differently since then. He treats me like gold, b/c I had the guts to not take him stupidity.

Anyway, we're not even that dysfunctional, but we're on that cusp where I know what you're talking about. NOrmal rules do NOT apply.

Also, it was my dad who taught me a lot of how I act! He will not call for a year or more, then there's a call..."Oh I was thinking about you bunches, sweetie". I hated that for years. Now I understand. I didn't call him on xmas, or Thanksgiving, there won't be problems with it. Heck, he was supposed to visit this summer. Hasn't made it yet! Thankfully I haven't told DS that his granddad was supposed to be here..heck, he's only met the guy twice; once as a newborn, once as a 3 year old...he's practically a myth. I figure he'll show up sometime this winter or spring. We'll just see if he has all the toys he's been promising he's been carting around for DS.

OK sorry. This is very up for me right now.

And it PEEVES me to see people from GOOD, decent, normal families jumping on the OP. For the sake of some stupid card.

Any loving mom is a forgiving mom. Im sure you would be too if your dd forgot something.

That!

I could write you a book on TRULY dysfunctional. I barely speak to my mother for my own sake as well as that of my children. I bet I haven't seen her in person in two years. She's not good for me. But you know what? I call her every Christmas and for her birthday because that what kids do, they call their moms even when they don't feel like it. Why make her feel bad just to be mean or make a point? That's just petty.

Actually, in the case of a mom that you barely speak to...it seems that cutting off contact would be healthier for you.

I can't imagine wanting my son to do pity cards/calls, if he felt I was that messed up. I'd rather him just move on with his life.

Your dad was projecting. He is the one that feels ashamed - probably because he is not a real man. Real men are not abusive to women. He sounds like someone who is filled with anger and likes to get a rise out of other people.

I can understand "Christmas coming too fast".

Agreed.

Me too. Someday we'll start celebrating Yule on Yule, instead of doing it on the 25th, and then it'll come even earlier, aughhhhh.

I did call my mom on Christmas, 3 times as a matter of fact.
But, she just called my and told me to ignore him, she doesn't care about not getting a card or anything else. He's got mental problems, always has, always will. She says he's getting worse.

Your poor mom.

How can you be affected by comments from someone who's opinion you do not respect?

Definitely what I was trying to say.

While I was getting the kids ready for bed, my stepdad called to tell me how upset my mom was that I hadn't told her happy birthday. I told him the deal, and I told him that had they just waited another 20 mins, I would have called back. She was so butthurt, even after I did call her again, that she completely ignored my birthday 2 months later.

Oh gracious.

My MIL does that with her kids. She won't just sit on her hands. She's actually gotten better in the last 5 years...she used to be on the phone, calling all the OTHER kids to say how one of the kids forgot to call...before 10am on a certain day. Now she gives until around 5pm. Which allowed DH the time to call her for her b'day before she started calling around about how ungrateful he is, blah blah blah. **adding** her b'day was talked about in the house day before...then right before the date, hubby was surprised with a last minute business trip far far away, getting flights that made sense (his company has a horrible but well known travel agency that likes giving him half an hour for connecting flights), getting hotels, getting packed, etc etc...it made sense he forgot for a few hours on that day! **end of added bit**

When FIL was still alive, she had him call more than once. And what's worse is that it would go through 4 people....MIL to BIL to SIL to FIL...FIL would call being NASTY (he was probably worse than my dad used to be to me)...meanwhile, Robert had called his mom an hour ago. Did MIL call people to update them? Nooo. So he got to be blasted by his father for nothing.

Again, I just cannot imagine being so hurt by such things as forgetting cards and nonsense like that. The day to day stuff is what counts. Not cards.