Dad Made Me Feel Like a Total Loser

[eliza61]

Ok so...my dad just called me, which he hasn't in years, and told me I should be ashamed of myself for not getting my mother anything for Christmas. Not even a card. So now I feel like an idiot. I usually don't get my parents anything for Christmas but I usually send a card but this year it came too fast. But I was planning on sending her something for her bday which is in Jan. You see...my Dad has lived off of my mother all their marraige. She's the one to support him, he's the lazy bum and sometimes abusive physically and verbally so thats why I don't like him. And he just had the nerve to call me and say that I should be ashamed. Now my day is ruined.

I have a standard policy. You cannot control what other people say and do but you can control your response to it.

1) You feel guilty about not sending a card? Time to suck up apologize to mom and move on. Every body drops the ball now and again. I once forgot my kids birthday (long story) so I know how terrrible you can feel but you can't change that. What you can do is repair the damage.

2) Dad is a loser so don't expect him to be suddenly supportive. Don't waste time or energy on people who are not worth it.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Well the thing is, I already felt like a loser, I didn't need to hear it from him. Besides, I'm the one who calls my mom everyday. She never calls me. Not even on my bday. I don't whine bout that.

This comes off as though you're making excuses and trying to justify your actions, and that's just lame. If you're feeling guilty, then at least you care. Now go do unto others and all that jazz, and show your mom some compassion for your screw up.

 

[Magic Mom]

Thanks to those of you who say I'm not a loser. I spent so much time and money making my daughter happy that I didn't do the cards this year. I feel really bad and will probably make up for it on Valentine's day and Easter. And usually my mom doesn't care about gifts I think it was my dad finding a reason to grump. I'm not sure she knows he called and will probably get mad at him.

I'm not sure what you are looking for here. You said your feel bad for not sending her even a card, but it seems like you want everyone to tell you that you weren't wrong and pat you on the back. Who cares about your dad if he is a jerk. Focus on your mom.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Can you imagine how much you're going to enjoy it in 20 years when you don't hear boo from her on Christmas? No present. No card. Not even a phone call.

But hey, I'm sure you're going to totally understand that she's busy and has better things to do than spend 5 minutes on you.

Your feelings about your father aside, you should feel bad about this. Make it up to her and don't let it happen again!

ITA. Is this what you want with your daughter? You messed up. Make amends. Your daughter will learn from you and respect you for being a able to say you are sorry.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Thanks to those of you who say I'm not a loser. I spent so much time and money making my daughter happy that I didn't do the cards this year. I feel really bad and will probably make up for it on Valentine's day and Easter. And usually my mom doesn't care about gifts I think it was my dad finding a reason to grump. I'm not sure she knows he called and will probably get mad at him.

You haven't answered whether you called your Mom and wished her a Merry Christmas on Christmas day yet, explaining how you got behind.

If you did this, then shame on your father.

If you did not even call, then shame on you.

 

[shortbun]

Well the thing is, I already felt like a loser, I didn't need to hear it from him. Besides, I'm the one who calls my mom everyday. She never calls me. Not even on my bday. I don't whine bout that.

Sounds like your relationship with your parents is bad. Look at it this way, your dad finally is supporting your mother in a way. Good for him. that doesn't mean you have to feel guilty about it. Call your mother and tell her you love her.

 

[VillageMama]

I think that most of the previous posters are coming from an entirely different place than you and I are. What they don't realize is that the rules of civil behavior are different when you are part of a truly dysfunctional family.

I know that everyone tosses around the phrase "dysfunctional family" and jokes that they have one. But when you are the child of the mentally unwell or abusive, you do not have to feel guilty for not being the attentive, doting daughter.

It is the parents' responsibility to build a healthy relationship with their children that will endure into adulthood. We grown children can try with all our might, but if our parents are physically or emotionally neglectful, we will never succeed in having a "normal" relationship.

Do not let others who have no idea what your life is like make you feel guilty. Maybe you "forgot" to send a card because deep down you are tired of pretending that everything is okay. Maybe you are hurt by the way your parents have treated you since childhood. It really is okay to make your mental health your priority. I highly recommend that you do some research on various personality disorders and see if any traits sound like your parents... and then reach out for professional help, if you are so inclined.

Best wishes, hon.

 

[Boxley]

Honestly, just call her, apologize and send a belated card or something. I don't think your dad made you feel like a loser, but your own guilt nagging at you. Your father just voiced it out.

 

[The Mayor]

Ok so...my dad just called me, which he hasn't in years, and told me I should be ashamed of myself for not getting my mother anything for Christmas. Not even a card. So now I feel like an idiot. I usually don't get my parents anything for Christmas but I usually send a card but this year it came too fast. But I was planning on sending her something for her bday which is in Jan. You see...my Dad has lived off of my mother all their marraige. She's the one to support him, he's the lazy bum and sometimes abusive physically and verbally so thats why I don't like him. And he just had the nerve to call me and say that I should be ashamed. Now my day is ruined.

Where I live Christmas comes the same time every year

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, Do not wait until Jan or Feb to call your DM!

Each time I read one of these threads on the CM, I am grateful & feel privileged to have had the kind of home life I had. I realize not everyone was as lucky.



TC

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Well I don't agree with PP's. I do not understand getting bent out of shape over not receiving a card, I mean really?

I would prefer a phone call thank you. I hate all the ritual over "Hallmark Holidays".

If the "mom" in this situation was "hurt", how about she pick up the phone and say...."honey, I missed your card this yr" and then chat with her dd.

I am glad my family does not play these games. I will not do it to my kids either. They can send me something or nothing. If I want to chat with them I will call.

I think Christmas was around before Hallmark. A card is inexpensive compared to a gift, it shows that someone was thinking about you, and you can keep it if you choose. You can't hold on to a phone call.

OP... I don't think you're a loser. I think you feel bad and the fact that someone you don't get along with pointed out what you're already feeling is making it worse. But... in the time it took to make all of your posts, you could have bought a card, mailed it, and called her. I hate thinking that I made someone feel bad and I try to fix it right away. Maybe you did that already; I don't know. But if you feel bad for not sending it, she might feel bad for not hearing from you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think Christmas was around before Hallmark. A card is inexpensive compared to a gift, it shows that someone was thinking about you, and you can keep it if you choose. You can't hold on to a phone call.

I would be just as happy with a phone call. A card or gift is a nice thing but I am not going to get "hurt" over not receiving them.

YMMV

 

[RitaZ.]

Everyone "drops the ball" once in a while and we may hurt a loved one's feelings. We may not mean it, but it happens. The important part is how we make amends. Acknowledge that you've made a mistake and take the necessary steps to make amends with your mom.

 

[clovergirl5]

op....we all make mistakes, even with our parents. I don't find it a huge deal like some pp are making it to be. at many of the rude, kick you when your down remarks here.

Any loving mom is a forgiving mom. Im sure you would be too if your dd forgot something. I would just give your mom a call and tell her you are sorry. Im sure there is a hug for you at the other end of that phonecall.

On a side note, I wouldn't worry about what your dad thinks, just focus on mom. Cheer up girl, YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! SMILE!!

 

[lisajl]

I think that most of the previous posters are coming from an entirely different place than you and I are. What they don't realize is that the rules of civil behavior are different when you are part of a truly dysfunctional family.

I know that everyone tosses around the phrase "dysfunctional family" and jokes that they have one. But when you are the child of the mentally unwell or abusive, you do not have to feel guilty for not being the attentive, doting daughter.

It is the parents' responsibility to build a healthy relationship with their children that will endure into adulthood. We grown children can try with all our might, but if our parents are physically or emotionally neglectful, we will never succeed in having a "normal" relationship.

Do not let others who have no idea what your life is like make you feel guilty. Maybe you "forgot" to send a card because deep down you are tired of pretending that everything is okay. Maybe you are hurt by the way your parents have treated you since childhood. It really is okay to make your mental health your priority. I highly recommend that you do some research on various personality disorders and see if any traits sound like your parents... and then reach out for professional help, if you are so inclined.

Best wishes, hon.

Nicely done! ITA!

 

[wenrob]

I think that most of the previous posters are coming from an entirely different place than you and I are. What they don't realize is that the rules of civil behavior are different when you are part of a truly dysfunctional family.

I could write you a book on TRULY dysfunctional. I barely speak to my mother for my own sake as well as that of my children. I bet I haven't seen her in person in two years. She's not good for me. But you know what? I call her every Christmas and for her birthday because that what kids do, they call their moms even when they don't feel like it. Why make her feel bad just to be mean or make a point? That's just petty. The OP has not hinted at any serious problems with her mother, they seem to be with her father. She forgot to send her mom a Christmas card she should feel guilty or at least embarrassed. I'm with those that say suck it up and call your mom.

 

[Wall-E1]

Ok so...my dad just called me, which he hasn't in years, and told me I should be ashamed of myself for not getting my mother anything for Christmas. Not even a card. So now I feel like an idiot. I usually don't get my parents anything for Christmas but I usually send a card but this year it came too fast. But I was planning on sending her something for her bday which is in Jan. You see...my Dad has lived off of my mother all their marraige. She's the one to support him, he's the lazy bum and sometimes abusive physically and verbally so thats why I don't like him. And he just had the nerve to call me and say that I should be ashamed. Now my day is ruined.

My two cents...

Your dad was projecting. He is the one that feels ashamed - probably because he is not a real man. Real men are not abusive to women. He sounds like someone who is filled with anger and likes to get a rise out of other people.

I can understand "Christmas coming too fast". I was scrambling on Christmas Eve to get last minute gifts. You forgot, so don't beat yourself up for it. Just get a Christmas card and send it now. Apologize to your mom that it's a bit late. That's all. Nothing to get worked up about. You were obviously overwhelmed with other things. It happens.

Your mom's feelings are maybe a little hurt by not receiving a card, but we are all adults. Sometimes we mess up. She is going to have to get over it. It sounds like you are the one who is trying to keep the relationship ongoing (ex. - calling her each day). I wouldn't let your dad or your mom put a guilt trip on you.

 

[OK!]

Am sorry he made you feel so bad, and especially for you not giving a christmas present, SHEESH. And for those that said she deserved to be treated that way SHAME SHAME. The day that any adult demands a present from me and then gives me grief if I forget or cant is the day they get no more!

Exactly. Good Lord, the OP was already feeling bad; I don't think the reason she came here was to get piled on.

 

[focusondisney]

Thanks to those of you who say I'm not a loser. I spent so much time and money making my daughter happy that I didn't do the cards this year. I feel really bad and will probably make up for it on Valentine's day and Easter. And usually my mom doesn't care about gifts I think it was my dad finding a reason to grump. I'm not sure she knows he called and will probably get mad at him.

Can you imagine how much you're going to enjoy it in 20 years when you don't hear boo from her on Christmas? No present. No card. Not even a phone call.

But hey, I'm sure you're going to totally understand that she's busy and has better things to do than spend 5 minutes on you.

Your feelings about your father aside, you should feel bad about this. Make it up to her and don't let it happen again!

OP, I don't think you're a loser, but I tend to agree with pearlieq. Your daughter is 16? Old enough to watch what you do or don't do. Old enough to learn how one should treat their mother. If nothing else, you should be modeling the behavior you want her to learn.

I understand there are issues with your dad, but apparently this has not stopped you from communicating with your mom before, so it shouldn't be your excuse now, unless something has happened that you didn't tell us in your post.

And it's nice you wanted to spend lots of time & money on your daughter, but I still feel that since she's 16, it shouldn't have been so bad that you couldn't address an envelope to your mom. Put yourself in her place. With your daughter watching this behavior, you really could be in her place some day. I hope you've apoligized by now. Sorry if this sounds harsh, not meant to be!

 

[bitohoney]

I did call my mom on Christmas, 3 times as a matter of fact.
But, she just called my and told me to ignore him, she doesn't care about not getting a card or anything else. He's got mental problems, always has, always will. She says he's getting worse. But now I feel better that she's not the one upset but I'm already looking for a bday gift.