cutting people out of your life

[mom2rb]

I put up with my drug addicted, abusive mother until I got pregnant. The thought of her holding my baby made me sick. At first I told her that if she went to NA for six months, then she could see my kids. She would call to yell at me and tell why she didn't need to go, and that I was an ungrateful b****. Those phone calls reminded me that even when she was sober, she was still abusive. In fact it was better when she was on drugs, she spent a lot of time passed out on the couch.

I will see her at my grandmother's funeral, but that should be the last time.

The funny thing is, my brother never made the same rule that I did. He wanted to but he just wasn't able to stand up to her. She has never bothered to see my nephew, he is seven.

 

[suzimar57]

i've "cut out" a few relatives from my life over the years - and honestly, it was the most liberating thing i'd done, like a heavy weight being lifted

the only relative i still have to "put up with" is my father - and that's only once a year when we visit him and my mother - otherwise, i don't even talk to him at all - some people are what they are, and will die that way

 

[luvmy2sams]

I think the key here is that you have to stop expecting them to do the right thing. If they can't disappoint you, then they can't hurt you. It isn't easy getting there, but it can be done.

I could not agree with this more! I struggled for years with the relationship (or lack thereof) between my younger sister, my mother, and myself. When I finally decided that enough was enough, a dear friend told me that I just needed to let go of the mom & sister that I thought they should be and accept what they actually were. I can't say that it doesn't hurt that we'll never have the relationship I wanted us to have. However, their lack of interest in my life and in the lives of my children can now be seen for what it is...their losses. You are the only one that can change how their actions affect you. Letting go was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but it was also the best thing for my family.

 

[minkydog]

I agree with this.

I think the key here is that you have to stop expecting them to do the right thing. If they can't disappoint you, then they can't hurt you. It isn't easy getting there, but it can be done.

You don't have to make an announcement that you're cutting them out of your life. Expect nothing from them and go on with your life. Stop acknowledging their special days and events. Let things happen naturally. As for totally severing ties with them, that's a decision that only you can make.

Wise words. My situation is a little different, but I also have to keep some folks at a distance. My mother criticizes everything I do, wear, and say. I can't give her too much information and i NEVER tell her anything important about my marriage or my kids. Guaranteed, she'll find a way to use it. I had to finally realize for my own good, that my mother will NEVER EVER be the mother I wished to have. She CAN'T change. She is who she is and I have to find ways to love her that don't involve hurting myself.

DBro is a bad alcoholic. I go see him up the Carolinas every few years. he wonders why nobody every bothers to go up there. Well. You're drunk. You're angry. You're obnoxious.You pick fights. And your a terrible host. Should I go on?

OP, I was estranged from my father for 30 years, by his desire. I tried many times over the years to get him interested in having a relationship, but he was happy not to get to know me and my children. I finally just let it go. No big announcement, just let go. At the end of his life we reconnected. I spent the last 30 days of his life with him, during which he apologized on many occasions and told me that he loved me. I had never heard that in my whole life and it was really great to hear it. I had to let go of what might have been to accept what is "right now." Thirty days can't make up for 30 years, but it was a sweet time of reconciliation. Realistically, I know that this would never have happened had he not become terminally ill.

 

[Pakey]

I cut all ties with one of my brothers about 15 years ago when he decided that my son's bipolar disorder was my fault due to me being a liberal parent. He said things that could not ever be taken back and he never attempted to mend things. As a result, I no longer attend any family gatherings (other than funerals) which has strained my relationship with my parents and my other brother and his family.

I live every day with a feeling of loss. I was 40 when this happened so I had 40 years of memories, which is a much different situation than the OP's. There is no hurt there anymore but it does feel like something is missing.

OP, I would not take any overt action that you might later say "I wish I had not done that". I'd just let them fade away, leave the ball in their court. Who knows, maybe someday they will wake up and see your value.

 

[manning]

My dad used to say "why would you want to be around anyone who has no interest of being around you".

Move on and don't look back.