Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[Swan4Me]

Well, I definitely agree with you on that. I am just pointing out that for non-Catholics sitting through a Mass is not a comfortable thing. Nevertheless, if these are the woman's last wishes (and I know she is still alive) I would do my best to see them followed if this was my family member.

Absolutely-and most non Catholics just sit thru the service, not sayng the prayers or when you have to shake hands with everyone.

On my side, my sister, who feels she was sort of "brainwashed" as a teen and was in a very gung-ho Catholic youth group, says she wont go to the Mass we will have for My Mom when she passes

 

[Nancyg56]

On my side, my sister, who feels she was sort of "brainwashed" as a teen and was in a very gung-ho Catholic youth group, says she wont go to the Mass we will have for My Mom when she passes

But I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. Religious services are very personal and if one is not comfortable either attending or participating that is their own decision and should be respected. Just as I would move mountains to respect my mom's request for a Mass I would also respect that there may be some people who will not attend.

My DH is a different story. His cousins are Jehovah's Witnesses so they did not attend the Mass for his Father. He understood that they would choose not to participate in the Mass but was very hurt they stayed away altogether. HE felt that because they were raised as Catholics they would be able to at least show up. I never could make him understand that their beliefs were their own and had nothing to do with how they felt about his Dad.

 

[ccgirl]

Absolutely-and most non Catholics just sit thru the service, not sayng the prayers or when you have to shake hands with everyone.

On my side, my sister, who feels she was sort of "brainwashed" as a teen and was in a very gung-ho Catholic youth group, says she wont go to the Mass we will have for My Mom when she passes

But I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. Religious services are very personal and if one is not comfortable either attending or participating that is their own decision and should be respected. Just as I would move mountains to respect my mom's request for a Mass I would also respect that there may be some people who will not attend.

My DH is a different story. His cousins are Jehovah's Witnesses so they did not attend the Mass for his Father. He understood that they would choose not to participate in the Mass but was very hurt they stayed away altogether. HE felt that because they were raised as Catholics they would be able to at least show up. I never could make him understand that their beliefs were their own and had nothing to do with how they felt about his Dad.

A little OT but my in laws are very anti-Catholic and did not attend my DD's First Communion. My DD was devasted and my DH very disappointed. I told them both there is no reason they should have to go against their beliefs just to make us feel better. They came to the party after. I would think nothing less of a Jehovah's Witness, for example, not going to the funeral mass at a Church because it goes against their beliefs.

Again, the ONE THING the MiL requested is a funeral Mass at the church. If there is only x number of dollars, do the mass, skimp on the flowers and casket etc. I think the OP is more concerned with keeping herself feeling "comfortable" than honoring her MiL's wishes. I could be wrong though.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

A little OT but my in laws are very anti-Catholic and did not attend my DD's First Communion. My DD was devasted and my DH very disappointed. I told them both there is no reason they should have to go against their beliefs just to make us feel better. They came to the party after. I

This is way OT but I would be upset about this. Its one thing for a person not to attend a funeral mass, the person is dead, they have no clue if you're there or not, but to not attend a granddaughters First Holy Communion due to their own agenda is more than a little upsetting, IMOP. Especially since you say your DD was devasted.

They're adults, it was your daughters big day. In this case sometimes you have to "suck it up" be an adult and not always do what you want to do.

None of my DH's family is Catholic , none of them even go to church , but still came to see my DD, and we aren't even close to them relationship wise, but they also knew if they didn't my daughter would have been "devastated" also.

 

[gk90]

I have to say that this thread is making me cry. If the one thing that I wanted was a funeral that affirmed my beliefs and that took place in a location that I felt was my spiritual home--and my kids said "no, it's too expensive and we don't believe in that stuff anyway, too bad mom, you can't have it"--it would make me really sad and angry to think that my children would not honor my wishes and show so little respect for my beliefs.

Since cost is an issue, have you spoken to your mother about the budget for the kind of funeral she wants? Is she aware of the financial burden of a "big" funeral and of options that would be less expensive as many posters have pointed out. Is part of the issue that it would be financially crippling for the family to contribute towards the funeral mass and that the family is upset at having to contribute towards something they don't believe in? If this is the issue and it's possible to have an honest discussion with your mother about the cost then now would be a good time to do it and ask her about having a Catholic funeral that's not "big" but still faith-filled.

If the surviving family not being comfortable with a Catholic funeral is the issue, it's not like Mom is asking them all to share her beliefs. She's asking for her faith to be respected and for her passing to be honored in a way that fits with those beliefs.

 

[MomtoGKC]

This is so strange to me about people refusing to go to services that are not their own religion. Would you skip a relative or friend's wedding if it was held in a Catholic church or other place where you didn't share the same beliefs? I was raised Methodist and now do not practice any religion. I go to Catholic, Methodist, Protestant, Jewish weddings, funerals, communions, bat mitzvahs and never think twice about it. I am not in there saying I will conform to their beliefs, I am there to honor the person who does have those beliefs. I can't believe "feeling uncomfortable" would be a factor in a loved one's funeral.

As to the "we wouldn't know when to do readings or how to bring up gifts"- that is what the priest is there for - to tell you what to do. I brought the gifts up at my brother's catholic wedding - all I had to do was wait for them to say it was time to bring the gifts, walk to the table that had a wine glass and walk it to the front of the church. Not rocket science. I did a reading at my Irish Catholic grandmother's wake - all I had to do was follow along the program (which the priest will help you design) and walk up there when it said it was time for my reading. Totally simple.

And as for the argument of I'll feel

 

[Nancyg56]

A little OT but my in laws are very anti-Catholic and did not attend my DD's First Communion. My DD was devasted and my DH very disappointed. I told them both there is no reason they should have to go against their beliefs just to make us feel better. They came to the party after. I would think nothing less of a Jehovah's Witness, for example, not going to the funeral mass at a Church because it goes against their beliefs.

I agree. I will say that I would never be able to stay away from something so important too my DGD no matter what my belief was.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Actually, i was a Catholic and stopped attending ...my brother was a priest, my Mom worked for the diocese for years, so I fell somewhat knowledgeable. It seemed like a full Mass in the Chapel of the Funeral Home for my Aunt.
Its the transfers from point A to B that the Funeral home add more $$....I was just trying to save time anmd expense by suggesting it in the Chapel.

Is your brother deceased, or is he no longer a priest? If he was a Catholic priest and is still living, surely you can get some direction from him as a starting point, rather than making assumptions based on what people in entirely different situations on the DIS could offer you. Seems like you have a pretty good resource right there.

My Dh and i will be the one paying for what his Mom;s small policy doesnt cover, thus my interest (his sis -the only practicing Catholic, cant afford it. And we know that for the multitude of things DH and I have paid for in the last years (with love for my MIL)-the Ramp for MIL to get in her house, her Dryer etc)

But of course. So there should be no question you should honor the last wishes of this woman you love, who happens to be your husband's mother. But actually, you said in your OP that you and your DH and his sister would be sharing the costs. Has that changed since the thread started?

There is a point in the Mass(having attended one funeral Mass lately) where two people(usually relatives of the deceased) bring the wine and something else to the altar. there is another time when a relative goes to the lecturn to read a bible Passage-theses are the things we (who havent attended Mass in ages) would not know when to do this-or how to bring things to the altar etc

We had a Catholic mass for my mother, and my kids (not Catholic) and their cousins (not even sure who all is Catholic and who isn't)...my mom's grandchildren...carried the gifts to the altar. It really wasn't complicated...the priest met with them beforehand and walked them through it when the time came; it was an honor for them to participate, and there wasn't a dry eye in the church. Again, you've got the best possible resource at your fingertips...your brother. I can't imagine that, practicing Catholic or not, you can't come up with a couple of people who want to honor your MIL's wishes and step up to participate. However, if not, then this...

If nobody wants to do it, the ushers will carry the gifts and the priest will do the readings. There is nothing unusual about that.

If someone from the family wants to these things, they will told how and when. It is not a big deal at all.

 

[kymom99]

I come from a long line of Catholics. There was a single old gentleman who was a friend of my parents that died several years ago. He literally had no family and very few living friends. My dad made all the arrangements according to his wishes. There were not many people at the funeral mass, however, there were some little old ladies from the church who came to pay their respects. You may be surprised at who will show up to pay tribute to your MIL. In any case, as others have said, the priest or designee will help you to plan a fitting funeral service. The cost will be very little compared to the cost of the casket, plot, etc.

 

[KBoopaloo]

I could not disagree more about the funeral arrangements being mostly about helping the living through their grief rather than for the deceased, thus making the deceased's wishes inconsequential.

My dad is very committed to the church, it is a big part of his life. Having a Catholic funeral mass when he passes will be incredibly important to him, which MAKES it important to me regardless of my feelings about the Catholic Church. I know that he has lived his life anticipating the journey he believes he will take upon his death and the first step in that journey is a Catholic Mass. It would be shameful of me to take that away from him because of my own feelings about something or because "It would make me uncomfortable."

I can't think of anything more selfish than being unwilling to feel uncomfortable or out of place for essentially an hour in order to give someone you loved the last thing they asked for in their life. When I think of all of the things my parents have done for me in my life, I can't imagine saying no to that to make myself feel more at ease.

 

[Swan4Me]

edited-too much info(sorry)

 

[mrsklamc]

Am I understanding correctly that you WERE talking about your MIL and now are talking about your mom? Does your mom care about the mass? Can she also not pay for her arrangements?

 

[Swan4Me]

edited-decided i gave out too much info