Cuddling vs. Crying It Out

[DWhittles]

I'd started another thread about getting my son PJ to learn not to hit and pull my hair.
In the course of the thread, it came out that PJ only does this at bedtime and that I'm still rocking him to sleep.
I want to make the transition to getting him to sleep on his own as trying to get two boys to sleep is taking it's toll on me because I'm not sleeping.
So give me your horror stories about making the transition if you have. How long did it take you and how long was the longest time your child cried for before falling asleep?

 

[swilphil]

I posted on your other thread, but I only let my kids cry for about 15 minutes without me checking on them. In actuality they were crying longer than that because I would check on them after 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 15 minutes. When I first started leaving my oldest to cry, I would just leave him for 2 or 3 minutes then I went to 5 minute intervals. I would usually let them cry for a total of about 45 minutes to an hour with me checking on them at least every 15 minutes. The first couple of nights I did this I actually brought my youngest son into bed with me after about an hour because we both wanted to get some sleep. By the 3rd night, he went to sleep on his own after crying for about 30 seconds. After that, I was able to put him in his crib while he's awake and he fell asleep without crying at all. I don't know if others have had this experience but for me when the boys were sick, getting a tooth, or we were on vacation, we would have to start all over again.

Then there were a couple of occasions when I was just exhausted and didn't hear my kids cry because the attic fan was on or our door was closed.

 

[tar heel]

Something to be prepared for . . . We tried the crying it out thing for the middle of the night when our oldest was 18 months and the second night he climbed out of his crib! I think he decided that, if we weren't coming to him, he would come to us. He did learn to put himself back to sleep, but we ended up with a baby no longer in a crib and the whole thing was pretty painful.

 

[lemondog]

Let me recommend a book to you. It's called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. This book saved my sanity, literally. I really like his techniques and explanations. Just realize that your "baby" is a strong-willed toddler now, so this will probably not be easy. But believe me, it's worth it. My 15 month old twins go down without so much as a whimper and sleep a solid 12+ hours every night. I fully credit the book. It took about 2 full weeks before they would go down without fussing, and the longest I had to let them CIO was 1.5 hours, however I did what Weissbluth calls "gradual extinction" where I went in every 5, 10, 15 minutes to soothe them without picking them up. This is very similar to the Ferber method, if you have heard of it. And realize also the only really horrible nights were the first 2 nights. After that it got much better very quickly, where they only fussed 10-15 minutes tops before going to sleep.

One thing that really helped me get through the rough part was remembering what my pediatrician told me. He said that teaching babies to fall asleep is just as important a milestone as teaching them to walk and talk. So remember you are doing your son a favor by helping him learn to go to bed on his own. Good luck!

 

[Christine]

My experience was similar to Swilphil's experience. I tried this "crying it out" stuff at 6 months and it didn't work. I tried it again at 9 months and it worked like a charm in about 4 days. I guess the longest period of crying was one hour but we were going in and out during that time; not ignoring her. Also, I never tried it on an older child (18 months) but I can see where it might be harder at that age. Those habits are really ingrained at that point.

 

[poohandwendy]

If you are going to try the crying it out method, I think one important thing to remember when you check on them at intervals:

Check on them, reassure them and then LEAVE the room...do not go in and pick them up and start the entire process over again.

 

[luv2nascar]

letting my dd cry it out just terrifies her. She sobs, chokes, throws up, etc
oh and belive me she will run into my room a couple of hundred times.

 

[Beth76]

I'm curious to those who are needing this "transition" to falling asleep on their own. What did you do when your babies were young? Did you rock them to sleep always and then change your mind at some point. I'm asking because I've never really had an sleep issues with my kids. I would put them in their bed and let them fall asleep on their own---from the beginning. I have no idea if I am just blessed with two great sleepers of if it's because I expected them to sleep on their own from the start.

Diana, I'm also going to suggest....whenever you do go in to check on the baby (or are we talking about PJ here, I forgot) make sure to not turn on the lights or talk or basically have any interaction with him. Any interaction from you is just going to keep him up and want to play with you.

 

[Parkhopper]

We had sleep issues with our DS that we inadvertantly caused. I did not realize that my rocking him while nursing and putting him to bed asleep would cause problems. My DH did not realize that when DS woke in the night that patting him on the back until he could drop off to sleep would cause problems. We wound up with a DS who did not know how to "self soothe" and drop off to sleep without aid. This became a BIG problem, when DH would pat, pat, pat until DS fell asleep and DS would awaken with a "start" as soon as DH removed his hand. Friends recommended the book Solve your child's sleep problems by Dr. Ferber. The first thing it did was show us how our actions (with good intentions behind them) were actually CAUSING the sleep problem. Our DS had to cry it out for 4 or 5 nights (it was HORRIBLE - DH and I had to hold each other down), but after that he has had NO PROBLEMS at all. As a matter of fact, people often comment how easily he sleeps and how soundly.

Read the book - it really helped us!

Suzi

 

[cgcw]

Those habits are really ingrained at that point.

Absolutely! They are habits which are hard to break.

Right now, in my house, I have 5 daycare children sleeping for the afternoon. Every one of them went to sleep with no a peep out of them. Three of the kids fall asleep on their own at home. The little one - 1 year next week, gets rocked to sleep a lot of the time at home or co-sleeps with her parents. One of the 4 year olds gives his parents a hard time going to sleep every single night and usually ends up co-sleeping with them. Only after 10:30 at night do they finally get him to sleep -- every night.

What I'm trying to say is that because you've allowed Patrick (as some of the parents of the kids I care for have allowed their children) to learn these habits. If the habit is changed, so will the sleeping pattern.

As I said on the other thread, it won't be easy and will rip your heart out in the process. Children are very good a manipulating parents. As young as they are, they still know how to tug on our heart strings.

I will share with you the worst case of crying it out I've ever encountered. Last August, I started caring for a 7 month old who just wouldn't sleep. No matter what I tried, he wouldn't sleep. Mom rocked him at home. I even tried rocking him, but I wasn't Mom and he knew the difference. This little guy was so exhausted he would fall asleep in the stroller or in the swing if we were at a park. But, it was only out of share exhaustion.

Finally, I started letting him cry it out - Mom knew and was in agreement he needed to learn. At first, he would cry the entire nap time. I would go in, comfort him, and try and coax him to sleep. It took weeks before he would sleep even 10 minutes at my house. The little guy was very stubborn and determined he was not going to sleep. Then one day, instead of sleeping 10 minutes, he slept for 20. Gradually things changed. This little one just left for the summer (17 months old now) and just last week, all I needed to tell him was "it's night-night time" and he would walk right to his bed and wait for me to pick him up, give him his blanket and tell him "sweet dreams".

Habits can be broken. It might not be easy getting to the result, but in the end, you'll look back and wonder how you ever did anything different.

 

[Parkhopper]

I would put them in their bed and let them fall asleep on their own---from the beginning. I have no idea if I am just blessed with two great sleepers of if it's because I expected them to sleep on their own from the start.

.

They are great sleepers exactly because you let THEM fall asleep on their own instead of waiting until they were already asleep and placing them in bed.

Suzi

 

[cgcw]

They are great sleepers exactly because you let THEM fall asleep on their own instead of waiting until they were already asleep and placing them in bed.

Suzi

 

[mickeyboat]

I never let my kids CIO. Even though I knew it was the right process, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So it has been a rocky road for us.

When the girls were infants, we did a lot of co-sleeping.

I rocked DD5 to sleep every night until she was 3. I used the pat the back method when she woke at night, and like Parkhopper, had a screaming baby as soon as I stopped. When DD4 came along my problems were compounded. DH would lay down with the little one while I rocked her sister. She would stay asleep as long as she could find a pacifier when she woke up.

When DD5 was 3 we conquered her sleeping issues with a sticker chart and a stuffed bunny. DD4 started doing better at age 3, too, mainly because she and her sister started sharing a room.

We should have started a lot earlier getting both of them sleeping. It would have made for a much less exhausted mommy.

Good luck to you.

Denae

P.S. Both kids sleep beautifully now (knock on wood) - they give us no trouble going to bed, and have no trouble getting back to sleep on their own when they wake up.

 

[dcentity2000]

Not to hi-jack your thread, but Patrick Jazz is a brilliant name!



Rich::

 

[SC Minnie]

DD never had sleep problems. She was rocked to sleep as an infant and also 'back patted' but it never deterred her from getting back to sleep. I always played music (ocean sounds with classical music) when she was drifting off. That was her 'brain' signal I guess that it was sleep time. The daycare she went to played the same kind of music for nap time.

She moved into a big girl bed at about 18 months-- she had started daycare and the toddlers slept on cots and only the babies were in cribs so she refused to get into her crib. I started a routine where she would sit in her bed for 10 minutes for so with only the lamp on and look at a book or play with a doll while her music was playing. After the 10 minutes I would go tuck her in and lay down for just a few minutes (the time span got shorter and shorter) until I finally got to the point of just kissing her good night without lying down. She is now almost 11 and we have the same routine.

 

[Serena]

This was something I had problems with. I couldn't stand to hear them cry.


But on one of the nanny shows, they had a way to make the transition and it worked.

First of all, have quiet time before bed. Read a story and then turn out the lights and sit on the floor by the bed. Do not look at them, do not make any noise. Just sit there. They cry and have a temper tantrum, but it will work. Wear ear plugs if neccessary. You know they are not hurt, they are just mad.

Do the same thing each and every night. Although each and every night get closer and closer to the door and out the hall. If the child gets out of the bed, put them back in and do the same thing. sit on the floor, making no noise.

It worked on there, and I know I could have done it back when I needed it.

goodluck

 

[justhat]

I'm curious to those who are needing this "transition" to falling asleep on their own. What did you do when your babies were young? Did you rock them to sleep always and then change your mind at some point. I'm asking because I've never really had an sleep issues with my kids. I would put them in their bed and let them fall asleep on their own---from the beginning. I have no idea if I am just blessed with two great sleepers of if it's because I expected them to sleep on their own from the start.

I posted this on your other thread, so sorry you have to read it twice Diana, but I just wanted to address this question.

I did exactly what you're saying-put my daughter in her own bed, awake, and let her fall asleep on her own from the time she was born. Never nursed or rocked her to sleep-her last feeding of the night was in the rocking chair, but I'd keep her awake then put her in her bed (lengthening the time between feeding and bed to about 45 minutes by a month old). She slept pretty well from about 4 weeks old till she was 4 months old (before that she was like any newborn, nursing every 2 hours). She would still get up for a feeding, but just once per night at 3am, and was back to sleep (again, on her own, went back to the bed awake) in about 10 minutes.

Well then around 4 months that all changed. She started waking up more than once a night and would not go back to sleep until I picked her up. I know everyone is thinking she would have gone back to sleep on her own if I let her cry, but that is not true. Like luv2nascar said, Madison would literally cry and scream for hours. She'd gag, choke, and vomit from crying so much. Well you can't just leave a 4 month old to scream and vomit in her crib for hours so I'd pick her up and she was immediately calm and fell asleep instantly in my arms.

I don't know what happened or why she went from being a great sleeper to a horrible one, but she did. We tried the sleep solutions from every book on the market and they all failed. She'd scream for hours at a time, getting herself sick, and that would go on for weeks. After 3-4 weeks, I'd give up (at the suggestion of her dr.) and try again a few weeks later, only to have the same result of nonstop screaming and vomiting all night for weeks. Not even the 10 minutes of sleep that cgcw said she got with her 7 month old. Nothing, not 1 change after weeks of trying this. Not even a minute of sleep in between screams. And in the process Madison would lose so much sleep that she'd get sick cause she was more susceptible to illness.

We will be getting an evaluation from a sleep clinic soon to help us figure out a solution.

So I don't think it's that every kid is rocked to sleep and the parents decide they don't want to do it anymore and the kid is used to it (hey, my mom rocked me to sleep everynight till I was 3 and I slept through the night starting at 1 month old and never had sleep problems). Some kids are just different and have lots of difficulty sleeping on their own.

 

[Aidensmom]

Let me recommend a book to you. It's called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. This book saved my sanity, literally. I really like his techniques and explanations. Just realize that your "baby" is a strong-willed toddler now, so this will probably not be easy. But believe me, it's worth it. My 15 month old twins go down without so much as a whimper and sleep a solid 12+ hours every night. I fully credit the book. It took about 2 full weeks before they would go down without fussing, and the longest I had to let them CIO was 1.5 hours, however I did what Weissbluth calls "gradual extinction" where I went in every 5, 10, 15 minutes to soothe them without picking them up. This is very similar to the Ferber method, if you have heard of it. And realize also the only really horrible nights were the first 2 nights. After that it got much better very quickly, where they only fussed 10-15 minutes tops before going to sleep.

One thing that really helped me get through the rough part was remembering what my pediatrician told me. He said that teaching babies to fall asleep is just as important a milestone as teaching them to walk and talk. So remember you are doing your son a favor by helping him learn to go to bed on his own. Good luck!

I completely agree with this. Didn't read the book, but through what I had heard from some other mothers and what my pediatrician said, this is what we did - however, we started very young, about 3 months. My son, now almost 4, still sleeps very good at night (just try waking him to give him medicine when he is sick, what a job!), though being the stubborn, strong-willed child that he is, he will lay in bed about an hour (usually very quietly playing with a stuffed animal) before falling asleep.

 

[poohandwendy]

One thing that really helped me get through the rough part was remembering what my pediatrician told me. He said that teaching babies to fall asleep is just as important a milestone as teaching them to walk and talk. So remember you are doing your son a favor by helping him learn to go to bed on his own. Good luck!

Smart man!

 

[YourMajesty]

They are great sleepers exactly because you let THEM fall asleep on their own instead of waiting until they were already asleep and placing them in bed.

Suzi

I did the same with both my kids but only my first became a good sleeper. The second would wake up and cry all night or wake up every hour. We don't know why. He still comes to our bed every night and he is five. He has always gone to sleep on his own. He also learned to climb out of his crib at 18 months when I decided to let him cry out his nap. I guess our first wanted to make us look good so the second could come along and change that.

Good luck. I really sympathize with you not getting any sleep. It sure makes me crazy and cranky.