Cuddling vs. Crying It Out

[auntpolly]

I agree, Christine, but I just have noticed on these threads when someone gives an opinion and then someone says "There are no right or wrong ways" -- I really do think there are right or wrong ways. Am I alone here?

I think it's a rare preschooler, for instance, that shouldn't cry it out, for instance. I think if you do it right (being firm but kind, of course), 99.99% of children need you to be firm about this, and cuddling them to get them to go to sleep is wrong. Now kids develope at different ages, but at about 18 months many kids are old enough for this - I think people just don't realize they are. They baby them and then the kid developes bad habits that are hard to correct.

Of course I could be wrong, and I welcome anyone telling me I am. But I just can't say that I personally think that some methods just aren't plain wrong. I'm not trying to debate - just give a mom the benefit of my "been there done that".

 

[Christine]

I agree, Christine, but I just have noticed on these threads when someone gives an opinion and then someone says "There are no right or wrong ways" -- I really do think there are right or wrong ways. Am I alone here?

I think it's a rare preschooler, for instance, that shouldn't cry it out, for instance. I think if you do it right (being firm but kind, of course), 99.99% of children need you to be firm about this, and cuddling them to get them to go to sleep is wrong. Now kids develope at different ages, but at about 18 months many kids are old enough for this - I think people just don't realize they are. They baby them and then the kid developes bad habits that are hard to correct.

Of course I could be wrong, and I welcome anyone telling me I am. But I just can't say that I personally think that some methods just aren't plain wrong. I'm not trying to debate - just give a mom the benefit of my "been there done that".

Yes, yes, yes, auntpolly, I do agree with you on this. I guess I'm just speaking in generalities. What I meant by "no right or wrong" is that one method may work well for one parent and one may not work for another.

Personally, I cannot stand to see a parent go through 3 hours of bedtime rituals only to end up with their child in bed with them (and I'm talking toddler here). Now, if this does not bother you and you love doing this every night and sleeping with your child I have no problem with this and I will NOT say that this is the wrong way to parent. It is definitely the wrong way for ME to parent but I have known people who have done this for years (my SIL is one of them) and my nephew is now a wonderful 18 year old. Who am I to say it's "wrong" because I disagree with it. So, I guess that's kind of what I meant.

To me, from this thread, it seems that DWhittles wants to do the CIO method. I guess I just get a little "testy" when the people with the patience of Job who can afford to stay up all night chime in about how it's mean to do this. Now, before anyone starts quoting the thread, I know that no one came out and used that specific word, but I was starting to see it go in that direction.

 

[auntpolly]

I guess I just get a little "testy" when the people with the patience of Job who can afford to stay up all night chime in about how it's mean to do this.

LOL I know me too! Blasted patience of Job!!!Seriously, if I thought it did the kid any good, I'd have tried to get me some of that stuff myself!!!

 

[maddiel]

What probably bothers me most about parenting is parents being told that there is one right way to do something and if you want to do it differently than it won't be "right."

We can make all the excuses for ourselves that we want--I have 3 young kids, I'm exhausted so I'm not a good mom, I can't do it all......but then as adults we need to step back and figure out what we can do to help the entire family. I don't think it should just be about Me Me Me. How does your child feel in all this?? The one person they love most and are used to snuggling with now says they must go in another room by themselves and be away from her. Gosh if after a few years my DH said he would no longer sleep in bed with me or hold me if I wanted him too I'd be pretty upset and suspicioius. Especially if there was a new woman around! Just food for thought

Aren't you saying by this that the One Right Way of parenting excludes sleep training/CIO? Aren't you then defining what the right way is?

In my opinion and experience, a child has a sleep problem when the child, the parents or the family as a whole are negatively affected by the child's sleeping habits. If co-sleeping or nursing to sleep or whatever is working for all the parties involved - yay! The doctors and interferring relatives can go pelt sand - they are not part of the equation.

If someone had told me I was only thinking of "Me Me Me" when we were dealling with the worst of my DD's sleep problems, I would have decked them! Of course, I wasn't really capable of rational thought at that point because I had gone weeks without proper sleep - by which I mean no more than an hour at a time, ever. I feel asleep during the day and missed picking up my other daughter at school - in spite of having two people phoning me to wake me up. My husband and I took turns driving her around at night and then creeping into the house with her once she'd fallen asleep in the car because that was the only thing that worked. I remember driving around at 1 am and having it start to snow and thinking to myself that I was insane. Is I said ealier in the thread, she had night terrors which stopped once she started getting regular blocks of sleep. It was effecting all four of us.

I don't mean to pick on you, but I know that when I had a child who slept normally, I had no idea of how hard it was to parent a child with sleep problems.

M.

 

[lemondog]

I agree, Christine, but I just have noticed on these threads when someone gives an opinion and then someone says "There are no right or wrong ways" -- I really do think there are right or wrong ways. Am I alone here?

I think it's a rare preschooler, for instance, that shouldn't cry it out, for instance. I think if you do it right (being firm but kind, of course), 99.99% of children need you to be firm about this, and cuddling them to get them to go to sleep is wrong. Now kids develope at different ages, but at about 18 months many kids are old enough for this - I think people just don't realize they are. They baby them and then the kid developes bad habits that are hard to correct.

Of course I could be wrong, and I welcome anyone telling me I am. But I just can't say that I personally think that some methods just aren't plain wrong. I'm not trying to debate - just give a mom the benefit of my "been there done that".

Auntpolly, I don't think there is a right or wrong, because each situation is unique. For example, CIO was wrong for you, because you don't agree with it (for a baby). However, for me CIO was right, because I had twin babies, a 2yo, and between nursing, pumping, and caring for all 3 I was not sleeping worth a darn and had become physically ill (shaky, nauseous, even feverish at times) from extreme exhaustion. I needed desperately for my babies to go down when I put them down. I had been playing the game of rocking one, laying her down VERY gingerly, tiptoeing out of the room and praying to God she didn't wake up, which 9 times out of 10 she did and then the process had to begin all over again. And once I finally got one down, THEN I had to go and start all over with the other one! Not to mention my 2yo, who by now had gotten into everything in creation and was cranky and tired because it was way past HER bedtime. Do you get my drift???And then I got to do it ALL over again in the middle of the night - TWICE - after they woke up to feed. In my case, CIO was the right thing to do. I waited until they were 4 months old, the age recommended by my pediatrician and many sleep experts. I don't regret it for one minute, my babies were not physically or emotionally harmed in any way. But I would never tell anyone who is uncomfortable with it to try it on their children. It would make them uncomfortable, and that would just be wrong.

Now do you see why I say there is no general right or wrong? It really depends on each family's situation. You can sit here and tell me that it was wrong, period for me to let my child CIO, and I can tell you that you were wrong, period, for coddling your child and not letting them learn how to self-soothe, and we could go 'round all day. So we can just agree to disagree and respect each other's opinions. It's much easier that way, I have learned from experience, lol!

 

[lemondog]

oops...double post

 

[Laurajean1014]

Just remember: Everything is temporary..............

Do whatever you need to do to get him and you the sleep you need. Even if it's to fall asleep in your bed. This may not be the best solution, but it may work relatively well and don't worry - when he's 18 he won't want to sleep in your bed anymore, and you will miss him.

 

[katerkat]

Can you slowly change his bedtime pattern? (Or make one if he doesn't have one!) I know you're exhausted and really want it to work immediately, but I've found that BR takes to changes better when I introduce them slowly. We're just moving from sleeping in his carseat to sleeping in the crib, and the first week I let him nurse till he was asleep and put him down when he was dead asleep. Then in the morning I'd let him back in the bed with me to cuddle for 1-2 hours before his morning feeding, when he woke up fussy. After the first couple of days, he stopped waking up in the middle of the night, except for the 5 am fussy time. Now we're working on not waking up fussy at 5 am, and once he's got that down, I plan on getting him in the crib while sleepy, not asleep. Then I need to work on him not needing the binkie to fall asleep. It should take me a month to get him fully sleeping on his own in the crib - but I only have him to worry about, and he's very young so he doesn't have 17 months of doing it the other way!

I personally couldn't do CIO, but that's just because of BR's personality - I was blessed with an angel who is exactly like me in sleep patterns and personality. He fusses, but he doesn't cry unless something is wrong - same as me. And when he cries, he NEEDS comforting - same as me!

Now, if I had a different kid, I might do CIO. I really do think it depends on the kid.

 

[transparant]

I agree, Georgina. What probably bothers me most about parenting is parents being told that there is one right way to do something and if you want to do it differently than it won't be "right." 10 years ago I had a pediatrician tell me that my child would have a hard time adjusting to solid food if I didn't give him some at 4 months. What??!! I told him that I guess he would always be drinking milkshakes then. So then this is the child that would eat anything we ate by 10 months old and fed himself with a spoon and fork at a year. Totally by himself--very neat. Same with all 4 of my kids. And oh my goodness my kids were nursed past 1 year of age. Then some nurses tried to get my to quit when my oldest was 11 months. Now I'm so glad I didn't when I find out that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends nursing past one year. We went into the pediatrician today for a torn off toenail and joked about how he never sees my children because they are never sick. I don't know that things would be different if I did things differently but please don't tell me how to raise my children or tell me to read a book about what I *should* do. Let's just parent the way we feel from the heart. Maybe we would all be better for it. OK---off my soapbox and off to bed. It is just that it breaks my heart when I hear a young mom say that she wishes she would have followed her heart instead of her doctor's advice (when it comes to something non-medical.)

I couldn't have said that better myself!

 

[transparant]

Just remember: Everything is temporary..............

Do whatever you need to do to get him and you the sleep you need. Even if it's to fall asleep in your bed. This may not be the best solution, but it may work relatively well and don't worry - when he's 18 he won't want to sleep in your bed anymore, and you will miss him.

Great advice! I got so much unsolicited advice with my firstborn (let him cry!) so my dh and I did. It was a freaking nightmare! I wish I never did it. With babies #2 through #6 - they all co-slept with us. Best thing we ever did. We all slept sooooo much better. And when they did move into their own room....I missed them terribly!

 

[charabby]

We used CIO with both kids.

With my oldest, she was probably about six months old. My dh couldn't handle it and would actually leave and go grocery shopping or something at bedtime. The first night she cried about 40 minutes. The second night, she cried about 15 minutes. The third night she didn't cry at all. That was it.

With the second, she was much older. We waited b/c she had been sharing a room with her sister and it was obviously not reasonable to think my older child was going to lay in the same room and listen to her baby sister cry for an hour. I think my youngest was about 15 months. It took a week or so and it's more of a blur so I can't tell you how long each night, etc. Between the two of them, she was always my more difficult sleeper and was still getting up at night and coming into our room at four. Now that she's seven (today ), she just goes to bed and has for about three years.

 

[va32h]

My sister has used one of these white noise machines with her 2 kids. Has to bring it with her wherever they go. They can't sleep without it. House has to be absolutely quiet--not a peep---or they wake up. Have to get 2 hotel rooms at WDW just for the 4 of them--sons are 1 and 3. Sure they lay down and go to sleep on their own but there is always a fuss even at their age. I'm just pointing out that how can this be "better."

Well our house doesn't have to be absolutely quiet. The white noise masks other household noises. I keep the TV on, do laundry, laugh, talk and even run the vacuum without waking them.

Taking a white noise machine on a trip, or bringing a stuffed animal or blankie is no big deal to me, and certainly no hardship. I would rather pack white noise machine than rock my child to sleep for hours every night, or listen to her cry. And my younger two do not fuss one bit when sent to bed. So yes, it is "better" for me.

 

[DWhittles]

LOVE the new pics!!!!!! I was going to post of pic of Quinn because I thought I had almost the same exact picture that you posted of Brian. But, turns out it was a different sleeper. I know we had that same sleeper and I could have sworn we had a picture of him in the carseat wearing it. That would have been sooooo funny!

Thanks!
You should post the pics anyway! I'd love to see them!

 

[debm]

I didn't mean for this to turn into a debate about which was "better." We Moms get really upset when we feel our parenting is being attacked. I didn't mean to do that---I just wanted to post something different than what was being posted in case a young mom rocking her baby to sleep reads this thread and thinks she is doing something "wrong."

And va32h--my sis loves her machine too but if she doesn't have it when we meet at the grandparents then we literally have to tiptoe around the house when her kids are napping. I don't rock my kids for hours--heavens, I'd me very tired! It doesn't take long to get them to sleep. I'm a type A person so if I didn't nurse them or rock them I probably would never hold them because I'm always busy doing something! It really forces me to sit down and be with them. There are things I wish I would have done differently but not the rocking to sleep.

Have a restful night everyone!!!