Crying it out?

[becca011906]

WOW, no tips at all, i could never ever do that. i refuse to let any of my kids cry... never had to take a bottle away from them either since i just nursed them all till they were about 2 then they were done nursing. All my kids co-sleep i'm confused by what you mean that it's not right... learned the hard way ??? Why is co-sleeping so awful? I think it's great. Also i did want to add that you took a 'attachment' item away from you dd and she is lost right now... IMO she needs love, not shut in a room to cry... but then again i think the only time my kids were EVER left to cry was maybe for 10-15 min in a car b/c there was no where to pull over.... I might get bashed here but this is My OPINION...

 

[cocowum]

Just sending a little pixie dust your way. It will get better. When my DD was about 12 mos we did this. That first night was so hard. She was in her room crying and DH and I were sitting outside her door crying. It only took a couple of days. I agree with Zoesmama03 about the bedtime routine. We would read and listen to soft music in low lighting for about 30-45 min before bed and then it was bed time. We did that until DD was 7 and then she decided she was to old to be read to and started reading to us.

 

[shaylahc]

WOW, no tips at all, i could never ever do that. i refuse to let any of my kids cry... never had to take a bottle away from them either since i just nursed them all till they were about 2 then they were done nursing. All my kids co-sleep i'm confused by what you mean that it's not right... learned the hard way ??? Why is co-sleeping so awful? I think it's great. Also i did want to add that you took a 'attachment' item away from you dd and she is lost right now... IMO she needs love, not shut in a room to cry... but then again i think the only time my kids were EVER left to cry was maybe for 10-15 min in a car b/c there was no where to pull over.... I might get bashed here but this is My OPINION...

I agree with your philosophy. I have tried CIO with my kids but it has never worked. I don't know if I have extremely stubborn children or what Sometimes I let my babies cry for a few minutes if I can't get to them right away, but I wouldn't let them cry for hours and hours on end. My oldest was a great sleeper but the last 3 were not, CIO or not. I find it's much easier to just get up and comfort them for a few minutes and then lay them back down. My youngest is 10 mos old and gets up 1-2 times a night. My older kids (8, 6 and 4) all sleep great, all in their own beds, and never even wake me up when they have nightmares They prefer to crawl into bed with a sibling and go back to sleep

 

[becca011906]

I agree with your philosophy. I have tried CIO with my kids but it has never worked. I don't know if I have extremely stubborn children or what Sometimes I let my babies cry for a few minutes if I can't get to them right away, but I wouldn't let them cry for hours. My oldest was a great sleeper but the last 3 were not, CIO or not. I find it's much easier to just get up and comfort them for a few minutes and then lay them back down. My youngest is 10 mos old and gets up 1-2 times a night. My older kids (8, 6 and 4) all sleep great, all in their own beds, and never even wake me up when they have nightmares They prefer to crawl into bed with a sibling and go back to sleep

Great! not a slam! Thanks, i just wanted to add that i also wake with my almost 11 month old 1-2 times a night although i don't really wake up and neither does she, we both just roll over in bed nurse and she's back sleeping and so am i! A few min i understand, i mean i have 2 older kids but i don't agree with letting a poor child cry in their beds alone when they are way to young to understand why on earth they are alone and not getting with they need or want... KWIM? I guess to each is own, but it makes me so sad to think about it!

 

[McKelly]

Hang in there!! When you wake up that first morning that you ACTUALLY got a full uninterrupted night of sleep, it will all be worth it!! And your kids will still LOVE you!!

 

[shaylahc]

Great! not a slam! Thanks, i just wanted to add that i also wake with my almost 11 month old 1-2 times a night although i don't really wake up and neither does she, we both just roll over in bed nurse and she's back sleeping and so am i! A few min i understand, i mean i have 2 older kids but i don't agree with letting a poor child cry in their beds alone when they are way to young to understand why on earth they are alone and not getting with they need or want... KWIM? I guess to each is own, but it makes me so sad to think about it!

I hear you! I also think temperament matters a lot. I have seen many babies who were content to sit in their bouncy chairs or cribs for hours just looking around. Mine all clung to me and screamed. I ended up buying an Asian Style Baby Carrier for my son so I could wear him on my back while I made it through the day. The neighbors all whispered and stared but seriously, there is no way he wanted to be anywhere but near his mama. I think some kids can be easily sleep trained without much fuss and some kids cannot. But what I wonder is how many who were sleep trained as babies start waking up again with bedwetting/nightmares/attachment issues (wanting to sleep with mom and dad) when they are older. Mine were all pretty much held all the time as babies and toddlers and the older ones are all super independent now. Sometimes I wonder if all this "push to grow up fast" stuff ends up backfiring later on when kids grow up and throw tantrums or have other attachment issues. My older kids all walked into school on the first day and never looked back, and have always been very confident. I always felt like putting in all the hard work early meant my hands were freer and my life was easier when they got older..... Just a thought.

 

[devotedchristian]

Hmm, I am totally against crying it out for babies AND toddlers but I guess you have to do what is right for your family.

It wouldn't be right for my family.

DS is 2 and we lay down with him to go to sleep and we kiss him and tell him we love him while rubbing his back. It's quick, easy, painless, less stressful and we get some great bonding time with him. Most nights, he is out within 5 minutes. DH or I will sneak out and go do our thing until we join him later.

Just remember, there are other options than Cry it Out.

 

[toesmom]

I think it is called "the no-cry sleep solution", something like that. Has lots of great information about helping kids sleep thru the night without all the crying. It was first published in 2003 and Dr. Sears thinks it is a great book.

Lots of useful information, definitely worth a try.

BTW, kids used to bottles at night will cry when you take them away b/c that's what they've always used to go back to sleep. Try breastfeeding at night, that's even more of a challenge to stop!!!!

 

[becca011906]

Oh yes the no cry sleep solution is a GREAT book that did a great thing for my ds when he started school at 3 y/o.

 

[binigrl417]

Did you take away the bottle and put her to sleep by herself in one night?
I just took away the bottle - 20 mos -- she was really mad screamed fell asleep - woke at 4 - screamed till 5

I put some water in her bottle then, just because I needed sleep. But last nite, less screaming before sleep and she didnt wake up in the middle of the night for the bottle.

Also, I replaced the bottle with a little chip and dale for her to hold and talk to. Apparently, their bottle is like a security blanket, so maybe you can replace it with something else. Also, I let her pick out a new "big girl's blues clues cup" to drink out of at night and made a big deal out of it.

I don't let her cry it out. I used the no cry sleep solution to.

 

[becca011906]

The trouble with bottles... they should be taken away about 9 months b/c of attachment issues if you want to wean with out much of a battle. Just a tip for anyone who is reading this with younger kids on a bottle. can you give her a sippy cup and hold and rock her to sleep for a few night and see how it goes??

 

[grlpwrd]

Hmm, I am totally against crying it out for babies AND toddlers but I guess you have to do what is right for your family.

It wouldn't be right for my family.

DS is 2 and we lay down with him to go to sleep and we kiss him and tell him we love him while rubbing his back. It's quick, easy, painless, less stressful and we get some great bonding time with him. Most nights, he is out within 5 minutes. DH or I will sneak out and go do our thing until we join him later.

Just remember, there are other options than Cry it Out.

I feel the same way as I am a firm believer in Attachment Parenting, too.

Yet every family is different.

GL!

 

[andromedaslove]

I know that everyone has their own methods of parenting, it is all a matter of what you are comfortable with. These of course are just my opinions and what worked for me.

- I took my first son off a bottle at 8 months, and my youngest just came off his bottle today he'll be 9 months on Friday. I think it is a good thing to do it early so that they don't become attached to the bottle.

- I do NOT allow my children to become accustomed to sleeping in my bed. First off, that is MY BED and I want to be able to sleep comfortably not being kicked in the back all night. Secondly, if I let my 4 year old or 9 month old sleep with us all the time the DH and I would never get any "QUALITY" time together, and for me that is very important. Not to mention that nighttime is the only time my DH and I actually get a chance to talk without kids.

- I do let my children cry it out, at some opint in time they have to learn that they are okay in their own room alone. My 9 month old was in the hospital a while back and didn't sleep very good the entire time he was there. Before his hospital stay he slept in his own room every night and slept for at least 10-11 hours without waking up. After his hospital stay I coddle him alot, maybe too much but at the time I felt he needed it. After that though I couldn't get him to go back to sleep on his own. For 3 nights we have been letting him cry it out. I go back in his room evry 10-15 minutes to give him is binky(pacifier) back and to tuck him back in. The first night he cried for at least two hours, last night he went to sleep in less than 5 minutes.

Like I said these are just my opinions, and no one is right or wrong. We all do the best that we can to raise our children right, and that is all that truly matters.

Dana

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Hope things are getting better!

We were lucky with DS - he has always slept in his own bed and never questioned it.

I am a nanny and I have seen the same thing happen with LOTS of toddlers - they don't want to go to bed, they want a bottle, they scream and scream. It's not pretty! But it is important to stand your ground. If your little one screams for 3 hours and you give in, tomorrow your little one will scream for 4 hours simply because it worked the night before!

I once read a study that was done on the power of hope. Researchers put rats in pools of water. The rats would swim until they were exhausted, then they would drown. BUT they discovered if they took the rats out of the pool, even for a very short time, the rats would EXPECT that they would be taken out and the anticipation of being taken out made them able to paddle much longer. It's the same principle for toddlers. If you give in, they will hold out MUCH longer in the future based on the fact that it worked in the past.

Same thing with tantrums. The little guy I nanny is 23 mos. and has just started some really impressive tantrum behaviors fueled entirely by anger. I keep an eye on him while he is ranting but I certainly don't rush to give him whatever set him off in the first place! Boundaries make children feel safe. They need to know that you mean what you say, including when you say "NO".

Hang in there!

 

[Cheryl-Feb06]

We were in a similar boat. My daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was almost 2. My son was still getting up several times a night to nurse - when he was eight months old I had enough. (sometimes FIVE times a night!!) I was a zombie from all the sleepless nights and was in bad shape. I was practically crying at my pediatrician's office and he suggested I read HEALTHY SLEEP HABBITS, HAPPY CHILD. This book can be found at every book store and every library. It is similar to ferberizing your child in that you are allowing your child to cry it out. The author is a sleep expert so there was a lot of scientific info in the book. It really gave me the strength to allow them to cry it out because I UNDERSTOOD all the facts and science behind it. When I tried ferberizing I failed miserably because I felt guilty or I wasn't timing the return visits correctly, or I just didn't know what to do. This book made it very clear and you can pick up good sleep habits for any child and any age, it gives guidlines all the way up to the teenage years. Now my son is one and goes to bed by 7:30 pm and sleeps peacefully until 7 am. My 3 yr old daughter goes to bed at 8:30 and wakes at 7. They both take an afternoon nap at the same time. I have my life and brain back!! I now give that book to all my friends when they become parents. I wish it were required reading for all expectant parents. There is so much false information and old wives tales out there, and I fell for most of it.Good luck to you!!

 

[txgirl]

WOW, no tips at all, i could never ever do that. i refuse to let any of my kids cry... never had to take a bottle away from them either since i just nursed them all till they were about 2 then they were done nursing. All my kids co-sleep i'm confused by what you mean that it's not right... learned the hard way ??? Why is co-sleeping so awful? I think it's great. Also i did want to add that you took a 'attachment' item away from you dd and she is lost right now... IMO she needs love, not shut in a room to cry... but then again i think the only time my kids were EVER left to cry was maybe for 10-15 min in a car b/c there was no where to pull over.... I might get bashed here but this is My OPINION...

This is an approach to parenting that a close friend of mine takes. She is a mother of 6 (one on the way) homeschools, is an author, public speaker and all around fantastic woman. I would NEVER bash her or anyone who chooses to parent this way. However....letting them cry is not harmful either. You are either a parent who chooses one way or the other. The fact that the OP mentioned she was trying to let her cry it out would say to me that she is not of the opinion that letting a child cry is "bad"?

In a group discussion my friend (mentioned above) was saying that she does not let her children cry at all (either behavior, or seperation etc.) so I just want the OP to understand that this method of parenting would probably be one that crosses over in all areas. Is this right Becca? You wouldn't let yours cry in a time-out situation or if they were behaving badly and wanted to express their anger you would still console them? I am only confirming what I know my friend does with hers. She has wonderful children but they are not far from her at any point.

No flames please. I am always eager to learn and have these types of discussions with my friends. I do wonder this: if I am always there to console my child and make things right, when do they learn how to console themselves (a skill they must aquire to get through life) and understand that everything that seems overwhelming is not and they are capable little people who can problem solve and calm themselves down when given the chance.

I hope this doesn't start any hostile discussions-I don't want the OP to feel like crying it out is the wrong option. Many of us have several children who had to resort to this and have wonderful well adjusted children who sleep through the night beautifully. Definitely a personal choice, but it seemed like the OP wasn't up for her child sleeping in bed with her or being up several times during the night.

I know when this discussion came up with our group of friends everyone was blown away by the statement my friend made which was, "why would you let them cry? They need you, they need you to show them love; that's why they are crying" It seemed so much like what you were saying Becca and while I am still not in agreement I do understand it is another way of parenting.

 

[becca011906]

In a group discussion my friend (mentioned above) was saying that she does not let her children cry at all (either behavior, or seperation etc.) so I just want the OP to understand that this method of parenting would probably be one that crosses over in all areas. Is this right Becca? You wouldn't let yours cry in a time-out situation or if they were behaving badly and wanted to express their anger you would still console them? I am only confirming what I know my friend does with hers. She has wonderful children but they are not far from her at any point.

I didn't mean to confuse you... to clarify, i refuse to let a baby cry that can't express them selfs with words... at 6 months, 12 months, even 18 months most kids can't express themselfs through words so why make them sit and cry just b/c you are unalbe to undersand what it is that they are wanting... if it's the bottle they want then their needs to be a replacemtn for this... something more love, cuddle, blanky, ect.

I will let my 3y/o sit in a chair in time out for 3 min if she doesn't listen to me after 2 warnings. She doesn't cry about it she just sits. My 5 y/o i do the same thing he will sit for 5 min if he doesn't listen or misbehaves. Which i will say is very very rare for him anymore at all. My dd on the other hand love to press her limits.

No flames please. I am always eager to learn and have these types of discussions with my friends. I do wonder this: if I am always there to console my child and make things right, when do they learn how to console themselves (a skill they must aquire to get through life) and understand that everything that seems overwhelming is not and they are capable little people who can problem solve and calm themselves down when given the chance.

It is so great that you are eger to lear new parenting methods!! I have always consolde my kids, always been with them, as i'm a work at home mom and when i do on a rare chance leave them it's with family that knows where i stand on disapline, ect. So far my 5 y/o is very independant, never had any problems at all adjusting to school last year. he happily when on his way and was NEVER a problem in his class room.
My dd is very very eager to start preschool this year. and again i've never had a problem with her when she wants her alone time she will verbaly tell you and take it. But really an 18 month old IMO doesn't have the skills to sooth or console themself....

I know when this discussion came up with our group of friends everyone was blown away by the statement my friend made which was, "why would you let them cry? They need you, they need you to show them love; that's why they are crying" It seemed so much like what you were saying Becca and while I am still not in agreement I do understand it is another way of parenting.

yep totally agree.. that is what i meant. i don't let my kids cry... atleast till they are about 2.5 then maybe here and there... few melt down issues... about 2 in ds's whole life and maybe 5 in dd1's whole life... much better #'s then thoes parents who get kids that through temper tantrums every time they are out and about... HUUUMMMM, wonder if they were left in a room to cry for hours on end... REMEBER THIS IS JMO and MY parenting style.

 

[jodifla]

I don't understand not letting your kids cry. How else are they supposed to get their emotions out??

 

[720L]

I wonder if ALL kids whose parents never let them cry are able to console themselves when they get older? I read other posts that your kids are fine handling things at 5yrs old or whatever, but come on, there have got to be some kids who were run to everytime they made a peep that can't put themselves to sleep on their own. Crying is NOT bad, it doesn't hurt them.

 

[Bird-Mom]

We do not let our babies cry themselves to sleep. Crying is how a baby communicates. If they cry, they need something. What you are teaching baby by letting them CIO is that when you ask for what you need, you don't get it. They often fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion brought on by the crying. After a few nights of their needs being met, it is not that they know how to put themselves to sleep but that they realize no one is going to meet their needs so why bother asking.

Actually, crying is harmful. It releases a hormone called cortisol, which is also known as the stress hormone. Cortisol can cause all types of problems with weight, memory, fear management, etc. There is a Harvard study which talks about babies left to CIO leading to post traumatic stress disorder and panic disorders as adults. http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html

More good info why babies should not CIO:
http://www.evalillian.com/Crying.aspx

My 3 year old was a terrible sleeper. Some nights she still is. But 80% of the time, she puts herself to sleep without any problems. Had I left her to cry, she would have cried until she made herself sick. My 1 year old is sometimes a good sleeper, but not always. Lately, she has been nursing 5+ times at night. She needs me. She is teething, and a little Boo gets her right back to sleep.

Children will learn to be independant and separate. But IMO, a baby doesn't need to learn that at a very young age.

My 3 year old was never separated from me. Never left with a sitter or put in daycare. When she turned 3, she went to developmental preschool. We talked a lot about it, but I don't know how much she understood because we do not know the full extent of her delays. I took her into the school and dropped her off at the classroom. She said "Bye Mama" and never looked back. Not a tear or even a sniffle. I didn't even get a hug. Her attachment to me made her secure enough to go off and know that I would be back for her.

Hearing about babies left to cry makes me feel sick. It makes me feel really sad to see parents cheering each other on and reinforcing that it is ok to do that.