Cost of taking DDs friend on vacation. Is this fair? Update post #110

[Judique]

Over the last 20 years we've taken people's kids several times.

I pay for the room. I pay for food for the room. We get a villa and have at least a studio kitchen, usually a full kitchen when there are extra people.

I pay for sit down meals that I have planned in restaurants.

I don't pay for park tickets, air fare, fast food or souvenirs.

I've also never been the inviter - usually the kids have gotten together and concocted their own plans.

I've supplied a separate room a couple of times as the kids got older - in the 20ties - better I don't know how late they came in, or better still that they didn't wake me up!

If you the parent were to come up with the idea, than be prepared to pay a significant portion at least - if the kids have the idea, then see how it rolls with the other parents.

Don't forget the possible health care! Have had to transport to urgent care....

 

[mrsklamc]

I would not want to put the burden on a parent to have to say no.....

If a parent is not quite adept at saying "no," by the time their child is old enough to concoct a plan w/ a friend to go to Disney......

 

[robinb]

My DD was asked to go to the OBX and the family wrote up a list of what she needed to pay for after asking her including gas, hotel to share with 7 others there and back, food, and her share of the house rental (divided by 3, her, their family and the grandparents so she paid 1/3 of the rental for her and 7 other people). How could I say no after they invited her then hit me with all this cost? $3500 for a kind of crappy trip if you ask me.

Wow. That is just not right. That family expected YOU to subsidize THEIR vacation. Did she go?

I know someone who would do crap like that. She would invite her DD's friends to anime conventions and then split the cost of the rooms by the number of kids in them instead of the number of people. At least she included her own 3 kids, but she and her DH stayed for free because they were never included in the calculations. She figured she was owed it as a "chaperone" .

 

[seashoreCM]

My DD was asked to go to the OBX and the family wrote up a list of what she needed to pay for after asking her including gas, hotel to share with 7 others there and back, food, and her share of the house rental (divided by 3, her, their family and the grandparents so she paid 1/3 of the rental for her and 7 other people). How could I say no after they invited her then hit me with all this cost? $3500 for a kind of crappy trip if you ask me.

You very definitely can say no after getting the bill even after you first said yes.

I think you should have said no on principle too. Very tacky for the family doing the inviting.

What is the OBX?

In addition I think that the inviting family should do all the up fronting, and if desired enter into a written agreement if any items are to be covered by the invitee. There are too many things that can go wrong such as the inviting family's work problems or health problems or school problems that might cancel the entire trip. On the other hand, if the kids concoct their own plan then the parents hosting the trip should veto the idea unless the costs work out to said parents' liking.

 

[mrsklamc]

You very definitely can say no after getting the bill even after you first said yes.

I think you should have said no on principle too. Very tacky for the family doing the inviting.

What is the OBX?

Outer Banks of North Carolina.

 

[shortbun]

Outer Banks of North Carolina.

We take our son and his friend to the OBX every summer for two weeks. We foot the bill. I would never expect a child to ante up for anything. If we asked a family to share our rental, I'd expect them to pay their share. A child only would be our guest and that's how it's been for several years. You are taking this child to keep your child company and enhance their vacation, right?

If you are going to charge the child to go on vacation with you, talk to their parents with specific cost information before you talk to your child and especially their child. The parents should agree prior to getting the kids all excited about it.

 

[mrsklamc]

The parents should agree prior to getting the kids all excited about it.

That wasn't an option for OP because the kids came up with the idea and then pitched it to her.

 

[Judique]

We take our son and his friend to the OBX every summer for two weeks. We foot the bill. I would never expect a child to ante up for anything. If we asked a family to share our rental, I'd expect them to pay their share. A child only would be our guest and that's how it's been for several years. You are taking this child to keep your child company and enhance their vacation, right?

If you are going to charge the child to go on vacation with you, talk to their parents with specific cost information before you talk to your child and especially their child. The parents should agree prior to getting the kids all excited about it.

There's a huge difference in the cost of going to the Outer Banks versus going to Disney.

Tickets.
Airfare.
Restaurant meals that are theme park expensive.

Throwing another burger on the grill is not the same as paying for a meal at Disney.

 

[dr&momto2boys]

Just my opinion, but I would only ask the friend's parents to pay for her airfare and park tickets. If they offered to chip in on food expense, then I would accept it. (But not if they're too generous with food amount.)

If I were you I would be sure to take lots of pictures or video and give them to her parents too. The best part of vacations (and spending the money onp them) is seeing the joy of your child.

 

[scbelleatheart]

You very definitely can say no after getting the bill even after you first said yes.

I think you should have said no on principle too. Very tacky for the family doing the inviting.

What is the OBX?
The Outer Banks in SC/NC. Houses run about $3-4000 a week but you cook and lay out on the beach so with 5 bedrooms it's reasonable.

In addition I think that the inviting family should do all the up fronting, and if desired enter into a written agreement if any items are to be covered by the invitee. There are too many things that can go wrong such as the inviting family's work problems or health problems or school problems that might cancel the entire trip. On the other hand, if the kids concoct their own plan then the parents hosting the trip should veto the idea unless the costs work out to said parents' liking.

It was a grad trip and they had been best freinds forever and the Mom was a teacher to both. I couldn't say no but I do feel like I had to pay for part of the family trip. I would never ask for food you would be cooking for 8 people. Restaurants I get, but hotdogs and baked beans? A 4 bedroom house and she asked a 1/3 ? They are still freinds but I think the family is odd. I don't have major money but we pay if we ask a freind to go along.

 

[starry_solo]

It was a grad trip and they had been best freinds forever and the Mom was a teacher to both. I couldn't say no but I do feel like I had to pay for part of the family trip. I would never ask for food you would be cooking for 8 people. Restaurants I get, but hotdogs and baked beans? A 4 bedroom house and she asked a 1/3 ? They are still freinds but I think the family is odd. I don't have major money but we pay if we ask a freind to go along.

Paying 1/3 of the house - did she at least get her own bedroom?

 

[scbelleatheart]

Paying 1/3 of the house - did she at least get her own bedroom?

Hah! No, Mom & Dad got a bedroom, GM & GPA got one, the son got one and she and her freind and sister and her freind shared double bunks. The other girls Mom had paid as much as I did but what do you do after you say "Yes" my kid can go?

 

[seashoreCM]

Hah! No, Mom & Dad got a bedroom, GM & GPA got one, the son got one and she and her freind and sister and her freind shared double bunks. The other girls Mom had paid as much as I did but what do you do after you say "Yes" my kid can go?

"Can go" and "I'll pay the X dollars" are two different things. If unexpected things are sprung on you then your saying "yes" first is no longer binding. The whole picture has changed. You can explain that the costs were unexpectedly high.

If DD's friend uses her parents as an example to follow throughout life she will lose a lot of friends.

You will need to guess whether the best friend has been choosing her own friends to be sincere with versus choosing her friends to use. However DD still makes the final choice whether or not to go along with BF's life style and attitudes. Too bad you were unable to figure all of this out before this trip.

It looks to me as if the friendship could break up not just because of this incident but because of multiple incidents of a similar character in the future.

Yet another twist would be (probably did not happen) if the best friend had said up front somewhat apologetically,something like "My folks came up with these costs. They seem high but I hope you would find the trip a lot of fun and exciting."

Open question (because I can't think of the best answer yet) Can one counteroffer? (changed) Here you might say, "This is all we can afford" but deep down inside you have subtracted out the rent because the host family would already be spending that money, and also things that are normally handled by the host family.

Don't go into a long spiel about etiquette.

Far fetched example of springing late details on someone: http://www.cockam.com/drlaura.htm

 

[okeydokey]

Hah! No, Mom & Dad got a bedroom, GM & GPA got one, the son got one and she and her freind and sister and her freind shared double bunks. The other girls Mom had paid as much as I did but what do you do after you say "Yes" my kid can go?

You say, After looking at this budget, I'm afraid we cannot accept your offer.

 

[robinb]

Hah! No, Mom & Dad got a bedroom, GM & GPA got one, the son got one and she and her freind and sister and her freind shared double bunks. The other girls Mom had paid as much as I did but what do you do after you say "Yes" my kid can go?

It's easy for DISers to sit in front of their keyboards and come back with snappy come backs after the fact or imagine how they would react in your same situation. I can understand how you would feel like you had no choice than to go along with the program. When it's your DD's best buddy and a last blast graduation trip it's hard to say "no" even if you know that you are being taken for a ride. Especially if you *could* afford it. FTR, I don't think it was fair or right what the family did.

I do hope she had a good time . That's what's important.

 

[dzorn]

If we ask a child to go with us, we pay. I would not want to put the burden on a parent to have to say no or worse yet, figure out how to afford something they had not budgeted for. We've taken freinds to WDW, cruises and Hawaii to name a few and we never asked them to pay. Souvineers are not an issue. We don't buy them because they are pretty much junk.
My DD was asked to go to the OBX and the family wrote up a list of what she needed to pay for after asking her including gas, hotel to share with 7 others there and back, food, and her share of the house rental (divided by 3, her, their family and the grandparents so she paid 1/3 of the rental for her and 7 other people). How could I say no after they invited her then hit me with all this cost? $3500 for a kind of crappy trip if you ask me.

I would have not problem saying NO at 1/3 but would offer to pay 1/7 th of the cost. I would also have not had a problem asking why when my child is only 1/7 of the people going they expected me to foot 1/3 of the bill. I would have also had a private discussion with my child about not letting people take advantage of her.

It would have been cheaper to pay for a 7 day cruise for the child and a friend than that trip.

I have no problem saying No as a parent. I consider it one of my responsibilities.

OP have you discussed it with the parents yet?

Denise in MI

 

[DawnM]

I wouldn't agree until I knew the price. My first question would be "how much is the trip going to cost?"

We have friends with 4 kids. Their extended family asked them to go on a vacation and rent a house together. They decided to split it up evenly between all people going, so my friend would have to pay for 6 people while the other families paid for fewer. However, each family would be given a room, so my friend would actually be paying double for one room just like everyone else would be paying half for the same accommodations.

They said NO.

Dawn

Hah! No, Mom & Dad got a bedroom, GM & GPA got one, the son got one and she and her freind and sister and her freind shared double bunks. The other girls Mom had paid as much as I did but what do you do after you say "Yes" my kid can go?

 

[AmandaRG]

It's easy for DISers to sit in front of their keyboards and come back with snappy come backs after the fact or imagine how they would react in your same situation. I can understand how you would feel like you had no choice than to go along with the program. When it's your DD's best buddy and a last blast graduation trip it's hard to say "no" even if you know that you are being taken for a ride. Especially if you *could* afford it. FTR, I don't think it was fair or right what the family did.

I do hope she had a good time . That's what's important.

For that kind of money, I could have taken them on a fabulous graduation trip!

 

[piperdown]

OP here with an update.

After discussing the situation further with DH, we decided to postpone talking the friend’s parents. Primarily because the trip is still 9 months away, and a lot can happen and change in that amount of time. I don’t yet have our plans completely nailed down, and probably won’t starting making reservations until early next year.

I also had a conversation with DD about how she and BFF need to calm down with the trip planning because it could very well lead to disappointment for DD and BFF. That my being open to the idea of her friend coming is nowhere close to her actually coming with us. We also talked about how it’s a very real possibility that her friend’s parents could say no, and that their reasons should be respected whatever they are.

If the girls are still pitching idea come next February/March, then I’ll have a discussion with her parents. As I said it a PP, I’m going to ask that the friend’s parents cover the airfare and DL tickets. If they offer money for food, I’ll probably accept, IF it isn’t too generous (no more that $15/day).

 

[neatokimmo]

Just curious, how is bringing the friend not going to change your room costs? Are you planning on sharing a hotel room with you, your hubs and 2 teenage girls? As a Mom, (and overprotective slightly psycho Mom some days) I would be uncomfortable with the Dad/kid thing.

Is that the norm? From a lot of posts it seems so.

But money wise, I think the other kid should pay for airfare, tickets and her food. She isn't your kid, her vacations are not your responsibility. And you are a good Mom for not being super ticked at your DD for planning all of this. Vacation time is family time, another kid added to the mix would take away MY fun.