Confidence issues- 12/16/09 UPDATE

[lovemygoofy]

Awwww, thank you. You are much too kind.

I actually did just get a pretty significant haircut. Of course, I hear guys like long hair, so I may have just shot myself in the foot. But, I was itching for a change, so yeah.

I bolded that part, because I don't actually wear makeup. So there would be no change to be made. I do own makeup, and wear it once a month (if that). And, I do wear lip gloss maybe once or twice a week.

The thing about movies is that they are just that....movies. In TV and movies, the handsome guys fall for girls that are chubby or not so pretty or plain janes. They fall for their personality and character and charm. In real life, the handsome guys (and even some of the not so handsome ones) in my experience, are extremely concerned with outer beauty and shallow. Whereas, you see beautiful girls with normal men all the time.

I don't think that is really true personally. I've never been and will never be a beauty or skinny minnie for that matter. I've dated all kinds of men before my husband. I think it really has to do with personality to a point. Being open and showing happiness and confidence is a big notice for alot of people.

I think part of it though is your age. You are still young and more than likely alot of the males your age are looking for the so called hottie for a night. Not the love for a lifetime kind of deal.

Have you told people you are open to look for dating like your friends or people in your church or co workers? These people already know you and would have an idea of someone you would enjoy meeting.

I think you have to have the mindset of enjoying life. Not out trying to find Mr. Right but going out and having fun and enjoying whatever comes your way. Enjoy life and learn to fake the funk about the shy part. You don't have to chase a guy or anything but just making eye contact and smiling is a big thing.

 

[Karibeth19]

Awwww, thank you. You are much too kind.

I actually did just get a pretty significant haircut. Of course, I hear guys like long hair, so I may have just shot myself in the foot. But, I was itching for a change, so yeah.

I bolded that part, because I don't actually wear makeup. So there would be no change to be made. I do own makeup, and wear it once a month (if that). And, I do wear lip gloss maybe once or twice a week.

The thing about movies is that they are just that....movies. In TV and movies, the handsome guys fall for girls that are chubby or not so pretty or plain janes. They fall for their personality and character and charm. In real life, the handsome guys (and even some of the not so handsome ones) in my experience, are extremely concerned with outer beauty and shallow. Whereas, you see beautiful girls with normal men all the time.

I see what you are saying, and you're right, movies are just movies. But, I was trying to make the point that it's so much easier to have confidence dealing with other people when you feel good about yourself. Of course, I'm not just talking about outer beauty, although for some women making changes in their appearance is what works. Beauty comes from all sources, inner and outer, and there is the old saying, "You can't expect others to love you if you don't love yourself." I don't know you, so I certainly can't say how you feel about yourself. You seem to be a very smart, grounded young woman, who is sure of herself and her values. But, the confidence issue has to come from somewhere, and since you made a couple of comments about your looks, I just wondered if that wasn't the case.

And, you know, I was thinking that you might be better off doing what a PP said, and trying to meet men at church instead of the gym. While I don't believe that all handsome men are concerned with the superficial, and the fact that they are at the gym a lot is not necessarily an indicator of being shallow, the chances of meeting a truly kind and caring man who shares your values may be better at church.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I think you have to have the mindset of enjoying life. Not out trying to find Mr. Right but going out and having fun and enjoying whatever comes your way. Enjoy life and learn to fake the funk about the shy part. You don't have to chase a guy or anything but just making eye contact and smiling is a big thing.

You know, that is the thing.

For the past 4 or 5 years, I've had relatively little interest in guys. There has always been one or two guys at church or the gym that make the experience more enjoyable, haha. But for the most part, I have just been so focused on my life, and losing weight, and work, and trips, and just.....everything else. I have not been looking actively for guys.

Then, very recently, out of nowhere I just felt this deep urge. I dunno if it is a biological clock or what. But, I just feel this pang in my gut for companionship and a family. Normally, I have maybe one dream a week. Lately, I dream nearly every night, and it is ALWAYS about finding The One. Then, this guy comes along. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I am not eating enough iron.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Well, apparantly I should, because I have been being myself, and you know how many guys have approached me? Nada.

Honestly, unless it is a very close friend, I rarely carry conversations with anyone, anywhere. If I see people I know, I might give the generic, "Hey" and smile and wave. But, at the gym, I rarely talk to people I know, unless they come up to me and talk first. I don't consider myself rude, I politely answer the questions asked of me. I just don't go into great detail.

I guess the way I look at it, and you are right, maybe I am being oversimplistic. The way, I look at it, if he were interested, he would talk to me, so I shouldn't have to talk to him to see if he'll talk back, because if he were interested, he'd talk to me first. The "he" is generic in this equation, by the way.

And what if "he" is thinking the same thing?

Rejection can sting, yes, but once you really accept that EVERYONE goes through rejection at some time or another, the sting is less.

One word of caution - try not to build this gym guy up in your mind. I think that might be part of your problem. Men are just people, after all. If you make them something more, of course you'll feel uncomfortable talking to them.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

You know, that is the thing.

For the past 4 or 5 years, I've had relatively little interest in guys. There has always been one or two guys at church or the gym that make the experience more enjoyable, haha. But for the most part, I have just been so focused on my life, and losing weight, and work, and trips, and just.....everything else. I have not been looking actively for guys.

Then, very recently, out of nowhere I just felt this deep urge. I dunno if it is a biological clock or what. But, I just feel this pang in my gut for companionship and a family. Normally, I have maybe one dream a week. Lately, I dream nearly every night, and it is ALWAYS about finding The One. Then, this guy comes along. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I am not eating enough iron.

You know what this reminds me of? Do you know the Nickelback song, "Gotta Be Somebody"? I LOVE that song, and right now, it seems like this is your theme song! Of course you don't want to be alone - I wouldn't either!


video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNKQxItk2H0


"Gotta Be Somebody"

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like déja vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, (when you're looking for) a diamond in the rough (cause you never know)
When it shows up, (make sure you're holding on)
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Edited to add, I realize she dies at the end of the video, that part doesn't remind me of you - just the rest of it. LOL!!

 

[mmackeymouse]

GREAT song.

I actually like that song and have listened to it many times before. But, it is weird. Even though I have heard the song before, actually seeing the lyrics gives me a whole new perspective on the song.

It is actually a very sweet song. I guess it is faster paced than the sentiments it entails.

Thanks for giving me a theme song, I think.

 

[ReneeA]

I think you need a build-up. Say "hi" on 5 different occasions - and make eye contact. If he holds eye contact and returns the hi, then you can introduce yourself. Wait until you feel comfortable so that it's not forced. Honestly, if you say hi to him 5 times AND make eye contact, odds are he'll introduce himself. If not, then wait for a time that you can say, "Hi, I'm _____." Then go from there. From what you've said here, you are pretty shy. Can you practice stepping out of your box? Try making eye contact and saying hi to people you don't know (and aren't interested in) just to get some practice at it and get comfortable talking to others. You'd be surprised how much easier it gets.

 

[mmackeymouse]

BREAKTHROUGH!!! Sort of. Well, not really. But, it makes for an interesting story.

So, I am up at the gym. Working my tooshie off. I had gotten a drink, and I was waiting for one of two machines to open up. The one machine was open, but it was right behind the bench He was using. And he was facing the mirror; so I was not going to go get on the machine between him and the mirror.

Well I was watching the other machine, since I did not want to stare at the other machine, and thus him. Well, out of the corner of my eye, I see him get up, and he goes across the gym. So naturally, I assume he is done. And go over to claim the machine. I am changing out the weights on it and I turn around and he is right there, right next to me, facing me.

Well, my heart starts racing; I am thinking to myself, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this is it, it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen." Thankfully, before I passed out, he spoke: "Here, let me get this out of the way for you" talking about the bench. Now, he said it so quietly that he was talking to himself more than me. But, the words were directed at me, so it counts. You will not believe my response.

Anything? Any guesses? Anyone? Nothing. Not a flippin word. I couldn't even choke out a "Thanks." I just stood there, like an idiot, watching him move the bench. And, he started using it again, so apparantly he was not done with it. It was not really in MY way, but apparantly I was in HIS.

What the HECK is wrong with me? I just keep laughing at myself randomly the whole night, thinking of what an idiot I am.

But, regardless of the circumstances, he talked to me. Sort of. And I didn't talk back. Like at all.

 

[FireDancer]

BREAKTHROUGH!!! Sort of. Well, not really. But, it makes for an interesting story.

So, I am up at the gym. Working my tooshie off. I had gotten a drink, and I was waiting for one of two machines to open up. The one machine was open, but it was right behind the bench He was using. And he was facing the mirror; so I was not going to go get on the machine between him and the mirror.

Well I was watching the other machine, since I did not want to stare at the other machine, and thus him. Well, out of the corner of my eye, I see him get up, and he goes across the gym. So naturally, I assume he is done. And go over to claim the machine. I am changing out the weights on it and I turn around and he is right there, right next to me, facing me.

Well, my heart starts racing; I am thinking to myself, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this is it, it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen." Thankfully, before I passed out, he spoke: "Here, let me get this out of the way for you" talking about the bench. Now, he said it so quietly that he was talking to himself more than me. But, the words were directed at me, so it counts. You will not believe my response.

Anything? Any guesses? Anyone? Nothing. Not a flippin word. I couldn't even choke out a "Thanks." I just stood there, like an idiot, watching him move the bench. And, he started using it again, so apparantly he was not done with it. It was not really in MY way, but apparantly I was in HIS.

What the HECK is wrong with me? I just keep laughing at myself randomly the whole night, thinking of what an idiot I am.

But, regardless of the circumstances, he talked to me. Sort of. And I didn't talk back. Like at all.

I think you should have taken advantage of the opportunity to break the ice, something like "Oh, I'm sorry I thought you were done, here", and start to leave. His response would have been either that he was done or don't worry about it. Then, a little bit later you could walk up to him just after he finished a set on another machine and either make a crack about stealing that machine/bench from him or say your sorry again. Something like, "Are you all done there or should I just grab that machine from you too" or "I'm sorry if I jumped on that machine before you were done, I try to make sure the person before me is done first. By the way my name is..."

Just make sure you are good at sarcasm if you are going to use the first approach, it is all in the tone.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I think you should have taken advantage of the opportunity to break the ice, something like "Oh, I'm sorry I thought you were done, here", and start to leave. His response would have been either that he was done or don't worry about it. Then, a little bit later you could walk up to him just after he finished a set on another machine and either make a crack about stealing that machine/bench from him or say your sorry again. Something like, "Are you all done there or should I just grab that machine from you too" or "I'm sorry if I jumped on that machine before you were done, I try to make sure the person before me is done first. By the way my name is..."

Just make sure you are good at sarcasm if you are going to use the first approach, it is all in the tone.

Well, no DUH. How's that tone workin for ya? I kid, I kid. Anyway, obviously that would have been the goal, and obviously anyone with half a brain could have figured out how to say something, anything. But, it wasn't someone with half a brain; it was me.

And, to be fair, he clearly seemed done for the time being. How was I supposed to know he went to the other side of the gym for no reason whatsoever?

Anyway, I have not managed how to spit out a Thank You; I wouldn't hold out for anything complex like sarcasm or an actual conversation....

Sorry, I just.....am so disgusted/embarrassed/angry with myself. Who knows if I'll get the chance again? Oh well... tomorrow is always a new day.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

Well, no DUH. How's that tone workin for ya? I kid, I kid. Anyway, obviously that would have been the goal, and obviously anyone with half a brain could have figured out how to say something, anything. But, it wasn't someone with half a brain; it was me.

And, to be fair, he clearly seemed done for the time being. How was I supposed to know he went to the other side of the gym for no reason whatsoever?

Anyway, I have not managed how to spit out a Thank You; I wouldn't hold out for anything complex like sarcasm or an actual conversation....

Sorry, I just.....am so disgusted/embarrassed/angry with myself. Who knows if I'll get the chance again? Oh well... tomorrow is always a new day.

I don't mean to downplay your stress over the situation at all, but this more interesting than a soap opera!

Tomorrow when you see him, try for about 3 seconds of eye contact with a brief hello, and then move along and do your thing. You want him to notice you but not wonder if you know how to speak.

Good luck tomorrow - I'll be waiting for the next update.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I don't mean to downplay your stress over the situation at all, but this more interesting than a soap opera!

Tomorrow when you see him, try for about 3 seconds of eye contact with a brief hello, and then move along and do your thing. You want him to notice you but not wonder if you know how to speak.

Good luck tomorrow - I'll be waiting for the next update.

Haha, 'Preciate that.

I guess my fear isn't that he thinks I am an idiot that cannot put a sentence together. I worry that he will think I am taken, or worse, that I am stuck up.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

Here's what I'm thinking... maybe he really was done with that piece of equipment when he walked away from it. Then he saw this girl walk over to that area. He finds this girl sort of interesting, and very mysterious, so he decides to pretend he was just taking a break, and heads back over that way. He offers to move the bench out of her way just so that he can have something to say to her, because he too is painfully shy, and he can't think of any other way to break the ice.

So right about now, he might be sitting home, wondering if he made a total idiot out of himself in front of this really interesting girl that he can't seem to get out of his mind lately. He can't figure out why she didn't say anything back at all. He's worried that she thinks he's ugly, or boring, or maybe she's already taken.

He does a big sigh and says to himself, "oh well... tomorrow's another day."

 

[cjb71870]

mmackeymouse..... Hold on a minute... I'm going back to read the reply's....

 

[ProgressCity]

I was really shy in high school and had serious confidence issues. I'm now in my mid twenties and I've gotten over a lot of it (not as outgoing as my dh, but way more outgoing than I was) and I'm very confident despite being the heaviest I've ever been (funny how I thought I was fat when I was skinny and now that I am heavy I'd give anything for those "fat" high school days ).

The turning point for me was a few years after high school I realized everyone has insecurities. I talk with friends from high school, people who were really popular and they all say the same thing, they had insecurities and they all thought great things about me (don't know how to say that without sounding stuck up ). All these people who I thought were way to good for me actually admired things about me! Basically, people are generally way too busy thinking about themselves and their issues to really give you much thought and they are thrilled when you think about them enough to go up and talk to them (I hope this is coming out right, I'm reading over it and it's not sounding good). I think it's natural for people to point out the good in others, not the bad, so when you approach someone new they're thinking how cool it is that YOU are coming to talk to them! (And if they don't think that they're not worth your time anyway.) If I could do high school again I would have so much fun having realized this!

I don't know if this helped, but I hope you can just realize that people aren't judging you. Everyone loves to be acknowledged and get attention so why wouldn't this guy love to talk to you? Who doesn't like finding out someone likes them?

Just go for it! Oh, and do lose the ring if you haven't (didn't finish this thread yet) you don't want a guy that would be interested in you despite having a ring on. A stranger won't get close enough to read it and do you really want a guy who can only assume you're married or at least engaged hitting on you? I think the ring would repel the good ones and attract the bad ones

 

[ProgressCity]

BREAKTHROUGH!!! Sort of. Well, not really. But, it makes for an interesting story.

So, I am up at the gym. Working my tooshie off. I had gotten a drink, and I was waiting for one of two machines to open up. The one machine was open, but it was right behind the bench He was using. And he was facing the mirror; so I was not going to go get on the machine between him and the mirror.

Well I was watching the other machine, since I did not want to stare at the other machine, and thus him. Well, out of the corner of my eye, I see him get up, and he goes across the gym. So naturally, I assume he is done. And go over to claim the machine. I am changing out the weights on it and I turn around and he is right there, right next to me, facing me.

Well, my heart starts racing; I am thinking to myself, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this is it, it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen." Thankfully, before I passed out, he spoke: "Here, let me get this out of the way for you" talking about the bench. Now, he said it so quietly that he was talking to himself more than me. But, the words were directed at me, so it counts. You will not believe my response.

Anything? Any guesses? Anyone? Nothing. Not a flippin word. I couldn't even choke out a "Thanks." I just stood there, like an idiot, watching him move the bench. And, he started using it again, so apparantly he was not done with it. It was not really in MY way, but apparantly I was in HIS.

What the HECK is wrong with me? I just keep laughing at myself randomly the whole night, thinking of what an idiot I am.

But, regardless of the circumstances, he talked to me. Sort of. And I didn't talk back. Like at all.

You are too funny! If only you could come up with words in front of him as easily as you do on this forum At least you know he knows of you now. Despite your lack of response, I think this is definitely a step forward

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I am dying to know what happens.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Here's what I'm thinking... maybe he really was done with that piece of equipment when he walked away from it. Then he saw this girl walk over to that area. He finds this girl sort of interesting, and very mysterious, so he decides to pretend he was just taking a break, and heads back over that way. He offers to move the bench out of her way just so that he can have something to say to her, because he too is painfully shy, and he can't think of any other way to break the ice.

So right about now, he might be sitting home, wondering if he made a total idiot out of himself in front of this really interesting girl that he can't seem to get out of his mind lately. He can't figure out why she didn't say anything back at all. He's worried that she thinks he's ugly, or boring, or maybe she's already taken.

He does a big sigh and says to himself, "oh well... tomorrow's another day."

ooooh.......girlie, I like the way you think!

I won't hold my breath that that is in actuality what happened, but it is definitely a pleasant thought.

But, the only thing is, there is no way at all, he could possibly think himself as ugly. No way...he may not be Brad Pitt, but he is still pretty wow.

Alright, kids, the ring is off.....I wanted to wave it in front of my face when he was next to me yesterday, like, "Hello, look at my ringless finger" Then he really WOULD think I have some sort of mental challenge, being that I do not talk and do wave my hands around randomly...

 

[XTinabell]

I have really gotten a kick out of this thread, I think you're very charming and have no reason to lack confidence. Quit building it all up in your head, take a deep breath and go with the flow. If you plan to say something to him you will chicken out so just remind yourself to smile if he acknowledges you. Take baby steps.

 

[mmackeymouse]

You are too funny! If only you could come up with words in front of him as easily as you do on this forum At least you know he knows of you now. Despite your lack of response, I think this is definitely a step forward

How do you figure on the step forward? Just curious......

I have really gotten a kick out of this thread, I think you're very charming and have no reason to lack confidence. Quit building it all up in your head, take a deep breath and go with the flow. If you plan to say something to him you will chicken out so just remind yourself to smile if he acknowledges you. Take baby steps.

Awwwww......thank you. You are too sweet. Of course, at the baby steps I am taking, he might have his first grandchild before I have the nerve to speak. Hehe.

 

[ProgressCity]

I say step forward because there has been some interaction, albeit one sided I just figured now it would be easier for you to talk to him at some point (at his grandkid's christening perhaps? ). Seriously though, I would think it would be a little easier now that he has talked to you. From what little he said it sounds like he's probably a nice guy.

I hope you go for it soon!