Coming Out...Please Help

[rosiep]

Hope it's Ok to comment here, was passing by and this post caught my eye.

As a heterosexual mum to a teenager I would want to know so that we could offer our son support and help him to be proud of himself.
I guess you know your parents and I do hope they are able to love and accept you just as you are.
As parents our job is to help our children grow up to be the best that they can be NOT be what we think they should be.

Sending you a big Koala cuddle

You're always welcome here. Thanks for posting.

 

[quasar4legs]

Thank you for the warm welcome DVC, NH and Rosiep.

What a blessing and relief it must be for a young man to have a place where people that have BTDT can offer support and advice.
I shall have to drop by more often, sometimes the community board is a little scary

Cheers
Quasar4legs

 

[jharrowell]

I don't like doing the "voice of doom" thing but as I've been on the bad end of things I always like to say this when I see a thread like this one.

Remember, though it may all go swimmingly and everyone may be great, it may not go as well as you'd hope.

So hope for the best and plan for the worst. If that means "playing the game" with your family for a few more years until you are financially independant as others have suggested, then so be it.

I didn't come out until my late 20's and I'm glad I waited because if I hadn't been financially stable I would have been screwed.

Again, I hate to be the voice of doom but it never hurts to be careful.


and good luck.

 

[RENThead09]

whatever you decide, good luck. There are some great people on here that have been through it, feel free to ask if you have questions.

No matter what, just do what you need to do to be you and happy.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't like doing the "voice of doom" thing but as I've been on the bad end of things I always like to say this when I see a thread like this one.

Remember, though it may all go swimmingly and everyone may be great, it may not go as well as you'd hope.

So hope for the best and plan for the worst. If that means "playing the game" with your family for a few more years until you are financially independant as others have suggested, then so be it.

I didn't come out until my late 20's and I'm glad I waited because if I hadn't been financially stable I would have been screwed.

Again, I hate to be the voice of doom but it never hurts to be careful.


and good luck.

I don't think you are a "voice of doom" just one of experience. You are not the only one with this adivce either and I am sure it is very god advice indeed. I am so sorry that it sounds like you parents were/are not very supportive

 

[jharrowell]

I don't think you are a "voice of doom" just one of experience. You are not the only one with this adivce either and I am sure it is very god advice indeed.

True, true but I wish that in this day and age that advice such as this was no longer needed.

I am so sorry that it sounds like you parents were/are not very supportive

Awww it's OK. I made my peace long ago with the fact I'll never speak to my father again. I have a loving partner who I love so much I'd go through it again 10 times over if I had to. (See the prettier one with the hat on in my Avatar )

Not many can say that so I consider myself blessed.



And now back to your regular programming...

 

[ConcKahuna]

I shall have to drop by more often, sometimes the community board is a little scary

Sometimes?

Back on topic, I had a hard time comming out myself. I was living in Lake Wales, FL at the time, and that isnt exactly a hotbed of liberalism (one of the former city council members was a prominent member of the KKK).

It wasn't until I had moved away and was working and in college that I came out. My family accepted it without a word (suprising), and I had stopped speaking to my high school friends by then.

That's one thing I regret. I abandoned a lot of my close relationships because I was too afraid that my friends would figure me out. Now that I've started reconnecting with many of them via Facebook and Myspace, none of them has a problem with it.

When you are comming out, make sure you have faith in yourself. It can be a hard time, but you have to trust that you will be happier in the long run if you can be yourself. Try and have faith in your friends as well. They might not all accept it, but some of them may suprise you

 

[rudetreehill]

When I came out over two decades ago (how the heck did I get so old?) I did it in the worst possible way with pretty much everyone. I blurted the news to my parents when we were in the middle of a fight. (Something like, "OH yeah? You can't trust me 'cause I scratched the paint on the car? Well, I'm gay!") I told my friends as if I was completely ashamed or HAD something to be ashamed of. (Basically, "I'd totally understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore... I wouldn't want to be my friend either!")

Lord, I was melodramatic.

I won't lie. There were some rough years with my parents. Basically, we didn't talk about it, and when it DID come up, it was in pretty awful ways. But my family didn't discuss ANYTHING in a healthy manner, so why would this have been different?

My friends were a completely different story. Not once did any of them turn away or think less of me or treat me differently. If anything, they became my new family during the years my biological family was struggling to come to terms. I'm happy to report that my family is now... well, better. It's not like they ask my if I'm seeing anyone (maybe because they know the answer is "no", as I haven't been on a date since Jesus was a baby in the manger), but at the same time, they know and like my gay friends (as well as my straight ones).

Weirdly, it was Walt Disney World that helped heal us.

I was there on a solo trip about a decade ago and my parents, who travel a lot, happened to be in the vicinity. Despite our rocky history, we decided to spend a day together at the House of Mouse. Well, we had an awesome time and said, "Let's do this again tomorrow." We wound up spending five days together and just having an incredible time. It was probably the best time we'd had, up to that point, ever as a collective group. Two years ago, we went again, this time with my sister, her husband and my gorgeous niece. Again, a great time was had by all. This March, I'm going with my best friend and his boyfriend, both of whom I live with. My parents adore them (I think my dad would rather have my best friend's boyfriend as a son than me... they have tons in common. LOL) and are thinking about coming to hang out with us.

I guess when I'm saying is there's never any guarantee that there won't be tears shed or vases thrown (depends on how dramatic people around you are... and how much they value their belongings), but chances are, it'll be a much smaller deal to them than it is to you. Among my friends, the news was greeted with a collective shrug. I literally had people say, "Dude, we knew... we were just waiting for you to figure it out!"

Hang tough. Hopefully, you're the mountain you see in your future is actually going to turn out to be a molehill once you get to it. But even if there are people who make the going rough, know that one of two things will happen: They will come around or you will move past them.

Tralfie/Richard

 

[tazdev3225]

I haven't been on here in a while but saw the post and wanted to give Zazu a hug. I have an aunt who has lived in a "closet" her entire life, despite my efforts to let her know that I accept her and her partner. As a parent I would want to know but you know your family. If they may not accept you without a threat to your safety wait until you have a means to live and be safe on your own. Unfortunately even today there are a lot of small minded people. Good luck.

 

[SFBayDon]

My coming out was less of an event at the age of 25 because they “expected” the talk.
Just a few tips that I keep in mind on this topic when talking to someone who is not ouot yet.

· It is your decision, don’t let others force you to come out, do it when you are ready.
· When you come out to someone you usually know what you want to say and have put thought into your specific words for the conversation. The people receiving the message may not say the right things at first, but allow them time to digest what has been said. Then they will be able to select better words to respond to your coming out. The first reaction is not always the long term reaction.
· Once this “card” as I call it is played and you have come out, it is not something that can be undone. Once you have crossed the line and come out you are out. Be sure you are ready.
· Use the DIS community. Not sure how much courage it took to put this topic up, but as you can see there are lots of supportive people that will share multiple perspectives on the topic as well as their experiences. My suggestion is to allow your fellow DIS’ers to help and support you.

As mentioned the HRC has a great guide on the topic
http://www.hrc.org/documents/resourceguide_co.pdf

Hope this helps
Don

 

[rosiep]

Come back and check in. Let's us know how you are. Whether you've decided you're ready to come out or not....we just want to hear how you're doing.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I don't think I can offer much other then saying good luck in whatever choice you make.

I came out young and neither my family or friends cared. On the friends perspective, I played sports and my teammates treated me no different nor did anyone else I came in contact with when I came out. I dated two different classmates (at different points in time) during highschool, one was about 5 months and the other was about 10 months. We held hands like any other couple in school and people treated us no different then any other couple. I didn't go to the prom with either of the guys though, but it was because the first was a winter/spring date timeframe and the second was because of some relationship drama more then because we didn't want to.

When I came out to my mom said she knew (hell my boyfriend had been sleeping over for 4 months every weekend) and she didn't really care either way.

No one really has ever said anything to me negatively, maybe it's because I'm the boy next door type and don't really fit any stereotype, maybe because I have never put myself in a situation that would warrant it, who knows.

In the end, each person needs to look at their life, their friends and family and see how their actions may change the relationships around them and if they are willing to accept those changes, positively or negatively. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be yourself, because you should, but rather be smart.

 

[f86sabjf]

coming from a heterosexual males point of view i can tell you if my son or daughter ever came to me with this news i would support them and I hope your parents will support you. Pleased keep us up to date with your decision if you decide to proceed.

Hugs and best wishes

 

[rosiep]

coming from a heterosexual males point of view i can tell you if my son or daughter ever came to me with this news i would support them and I hope your parents will support you. Pleased keep us up to date with your decision if you decide to proceed.

Hugs and best wishes

Thank you for posting here. Your support is appreciated!

 

[LR Morris]

I have a 16 yo nephew. I'd bet just about anything that he is gay, whether he even realizes it or not. His parents and grandparents are all very nice people, and love him a lot. However, I have heard my parents (his GPs) make remarks about others from time to time that could certainly make him reluctant to come out. His parents have also become very, oh, "religiously zealous" (is that 'pc' while still making my point?) and I fear that these things might make him feel that he might not have the support that he really would.

I would somehow like to let him know that if he's gay, I'm very cool with it, as would be my wife. We could give him support, keep his confidence if he wanted, or help to break the news.

So, do you all think that I should just mind my own business and stay out of it, or take some sort of action (dropping hints, sending him an email, calling him, whatever) to let him know that we're here for him?

Now, of course, imagine if he is NOT gay, which may very well be the case.

I guess I should say that he and I don't have a very close relationship (I'm 40, but do live in the same town), basically only seeing each other when the whole family gets together, and it isn't like we talk a whole lot then.

Odd, I know, but when I saw this thread, it seemed fitting.

By the way, he has LOVED and LIVED "all things Disney" since he was born, and I think would like nothing more than to sing and dance on stage at the Magic Kingdom... Not to generalize or take advantage of a stereotype, but, well, y'know!

Thanks, folks.

 

[rosiep]

LRMorris-

I think the best thing you can do for your nephew regardless of his orientation is to start building a closer relationship with him. Offer to take him for lunch, go see a movie. There isn't much room for intimate dialogue at family functions, but if you spend time away from that enviroment it'll give you both a chance to know one another better. In this way you can talk about things both important and small. He'll know by your actions, your words, your interest that you are an ally.

My daughters have brought home many friends. In some cases I seemed to be the only adult in their lives that was listening. I didn't have to do anything spectacular...all I had to do was be there.

Be there for your nephew...it's the greatest gift you can give him.



(and again...to everyone who has come here offering support or asking how to give support...Bless you.)

 

[jlewisinsyr]

In some cases I seemed to be the only adult in their lives that was listening. I didn't have to do anything spectacular...all I had to do was be there.

Be there for your nephew...it's the greatest gift you can give him.

Truer words have never been spoken. Kids/Teenagers/Young Adults may seem at times like they have no interest in talking to adults, but in many cases, they just want to be heard, not talked down to, which means listening, but not answering unless asked.

 

[f86sabjf]

no problem Rosie

I support this community both on and off this forum as much as I can. you guys have been great to me. Just read my sig and you know where i stand.

 

[Saxton]

no problem Rosie

I support this community both on and off this forum as much as I can. you guys have been great to me. Just read my sig and you know where i stand.

I know you've posted before but I have to say it's great to see you and LR Morris responding ... it's not often that we get male CPSs (cool straight people) offering support and interacting with us.

LR Morris - just try to be there for your nephew and let him feel safe with you. Hey, even if you just talk about Disney for the time being at least you'll open communication.

 

[rstout]

I think most all of the advice that people have given is good and sound advice. And, I think this has already been said by some, but I just want to emphasize the fact that some people may take some time to process your "new identity." It has taken you some time (weeks, months, years) to understand your sexual identity. It may take some of your family and friends some time to process and understand it too. You will find that some (hopefully most) people will say, "oh great, thanks for sharing that with me," some others will come around in time. If they are truly your friends they will support you. If they don't support you, they probably wouldn't be there for you for the long term anyway. But, again they may just need some time to take it all in.

I was fortunate to have great support from nearly everyone I came out to, nearly 35 years ago (back when it wasn't popular). Best wishes to you!