College Sororities - Sad and Confused......kinda of long sorry

[bumbershoot]

Is your daughter at a school where Greek life dominates? Most Big Ten schools are big enough that Greek life only makes up a small portion of the campus.

Agreed. It might be big in her mind right now, but if the college is big enough it probably isn't truly that big a deal.

Whereas I went to a very small college, and at the time there were 6 sororities and 6 fraternities, it was something like 30-40% of the student body! Crazy.

So, he and a bunch of other students living in his dorm formed an anti-fraternity called Zeta Omega Omega or ZOO. Apparently their primary motivation in life was to play pranks on real fraternities and generally make fun of them.

When I was in high school, I attended a leadership conference at this same college and my dad saw some students walking around with shirts that said ZOO. We stopped and asked them about the shirt and apparently ZOO still existed on the campus. The ZOO that night threw a party in my dad's honor and we attended.

That's awesome.



So...OP. My inner pain...when I hear the Beach Boys song that goes "aruba, jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya", I think of one sunny day in the Fall, my sophomore year of college. When i got the phone call from my rush advisor to tell me that no houses had accepted me. I cried and cried.

And what was worse is that was my second time through.

The first time was at the beginning of freshman year. Our school no longer has first semester rush for freshman, and I say that's a good idea! A girl down the hall from me asked me to rush with her, just to have fun and make some friends. That's what she said. So I did, despite knowing NOTHING. I wore what clothes I could figure out might look nice, but I'm sure I looked slobby. My hair is curly and I don't do anything to it, and I never wore face makeup at the time (focusing on eye makeup with some lipgloss as well). I really didn't fit in. The people I did click with, it turned out, all de-activated later on, so obviously they didn't fit in with their houses, and weren't a big factor in choosing pledges.

The friend who asked me to go with her just for fun, it turned out, was a triple legacy, with mother, aunt, and grandmother all having been in the same sorority, and of course she was given a spot in that house.

I was dropped. The only other girl dropped entirely was, well, a very unpleasant person. Smelly, gross, flat out weird. I know that I'm not necessarily adored on the Dis, but back then I was very much a people-pleaser, small and cute, with no controversial thoughts at all and no guts to say my thoughts anyway, so to be linked together with her was just horrifying. And I know it's awful of me to say things like that about another person, but she was a seriously unpleasant person in EVERY way imaginable.


Over the course of the year I found there were benefits to not being affiliated. For instance, I could go to the huge frat party the night BEFORE the women got their pledge information. So it was the guys, the women already in sororities, and Independents. That was sweet.

And I had a lot more free time than those who pledged. I did a workstudy job and I met SCADS of people through that, as it was in a food place that was selling espresso shakes back in '87! Deeeelicious.


Over the year, friends started urging me to do rush the next year. I was a shoo-in at one house, I had several friends there! The rush advisor was FROM that house and she adored me. So I did it.

I didn't put much energy into the other 5 houses, and had great fun at one house, talking with my friends.

I shouldn't know this, but my close friends were so disgusted they told me. And later on they switched colleges for other reasons, but never affiliated with the house at their new colleges. They just had no interest anymore.

But it turns out that the problem was my history with one guy who also had history with a somewhat unpopular girl in that house. She had one good friend, who WAS loved and was powerful in the house, and she got me blackballed, even though there were many more women who liked me. The unpopular girl put her lack of "success" with the guy down to being MY fault (and I met him the night of the big no-rushees-allowed party, and I never had much luck with him either, he just wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone) and that was it for me.



I don't know if any of this helps. But your DD is not alone.

I don't know how my mom felt about all this. She never went to college and didn't have an understanding of why I might want to do the whole Greek thing.

But I know that my life was better not having the Greek system than it would have been otherwise. I would never have joined Crew if I were in a house (though there were girls who did both, and they were incredibly stressed and busy). And keeping my grades up, working the workstudy job, doing Crew AND being in a house? Impossible.

I met so many people with the job and Crew, people I never would have known with just the Greek system. I met people from all houses, as well as those unaffiliated, and from my friends' experiences at my college at that time, being friends outside of your own house, outside of the Greek system really, wasn't promoted as the thing to do.

So life is good. But I sure do wish I hadn't had that rejection. I barely remember the first, but the second one...definitely tough.


It would be harder if I'd dreamed of it in high school, but I didn't even know what a sorority was in HS. But it was still tough all the same.


YOur DD will get through it. I'm sure she's busy enough as it is and being in a house would have been harder (though the ones in my college would get together to study, which was helpful for them,and counted towards whatever they had to do during their pledge time). If she thinks of Rushing again, I think it's VITAL that she really gets a "life" going...clubs, interests, having great times, working on small talk skills. And, um, not flirting with and/or smooching a guy that a sorority girl has her eye on.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I've been sitting staring at the blank screen for a few minutes trying to figure out how to say it without sounding like a jerk.

I *never* understood the allure of sororities, I didn't have any interest in rushing at college, and I've gone on to lead a happy, successful, fulfilled life with important friends, colleagues, and a great DH. What a sorority could add to that, I have no idea...

I am really, really sorry that she's crushed over the rejection, but man, why set yourself up for something like that? It's a bunch of catty women running a rigged popularity contest-who needs 'em?!

I didn't!!!

And you can BET I'll be advising my two daughters to avoid sororities *like*the*plague. And this thread is just one more reason why .

 

[chrismiss56]

I've been sitting staring at the blank screen for a few minutes trying to figure out how to say it without sounding like a jerk.

I *never* understood the allure of sororities, I didn't have any interest in rushing at college, and I've gone on to lead a happy, successful, fulfilled life with important friends, colleagues, and a great DH. What a sorority could add to that, I have no idea...

I am really, really sorry that she's crushed over the rejection, but man, why set yourself up for something like that? It's a bunch of catty women running a rigged popularity contest-who needs 'em?!

I didn't!!!

And you can BET I'll be advising my two daughters to avoid sororities *like*the*plague. And this thread is just one more reason why .

I AGREE but it is hard to talk someone out of something they have their heart set on - BOTTOM LINE This is a learning live experience for her.

Still as the mom - my heart breaks...never kept my kids from exploring their dreams knowing that they may not work BUT it still hurts when they hurt

Thanks for your support

 

[Keli]

I know little to nothing about how most sororities work and pros/cons of being in one.
But I do know about rejection and heartache (don't we all, life is definitely the school of hard knocks at times) and my heart goes out to your dd.
Really there's nothing you can do for your daughter to take her pain away. All you can do is be there and let her know that you are hurting for her.
She will get past this and it will be ancient history soon but I'm certain it's looming large in her mind right now.

 

[loco4dis]

OP, this is just one of those painful, hard situations with our children where we can't kiss it and make it all better. You can listen, be sympathetic, tell her it won't hurt forever, etc., but you can't make her pain go away. Only time can do that. And you don't need to help her understand it because she already does; that's why it hurts her so much. She was rejected because a bunch of girls met her, spent some time with her, talked to her, and decided they didn't want her in their club. That's just the truth of it. It's arbitrary. It's silly. And ultimately, I hope she comes to realize that it's meaningless. Those girls don't really know her. One can't know anyone new in such a short time. They simply projected qualities on her — and on all the other girls — based mostly on their own insecurities, superficial values, and flawed self-images. The girl they rejected isn't your DD at all, but rather a false, one-dimensional identity a bunch of girls created in their minds in a very short time. It simply isn't a real assessment of your daughter, because only those who truly know her can make those. Good luck supporting her through this.

 

[castleview]

I've been sitting staring at the blank screen for a few minutes trying to figure out how to say it without sounding like a jerk.

I *never* understood the allure of sororities, I didn't have any interest in rushing at college, and I've gone on to lead a happy, successful, fulfilled life with important friends, colleagues, and a great DH. What a sorority could add to that, I have no idea...

I am really, really sorry that she's crushed over the rejection, but man, why set yourself up for something like that? It's a bunch of catty women running a rigged popularity contest-who needs 'em?!

I didn't!!!

And you can BET I'll be advising my two daughters to avoid sororities *like*the*plague. And this thread is just one more reason why .

I could go on about my roommate who wasn't living at the house yet. She openly admitted to seeking an MRS, majored in sports management in hopes of meeting a future pro athlete (even though she knew NADA about sports), couldn't bring herself to tell her "sisters" she wanted to do something by herself once in a while, and had to report back to her mother on every date she went on and if this guy would be willing to buy her expensive gifts I am not making this up. There were times I wanted to tape our conversations to be sure she was saying all these things. Then she told a bunch of lies about me to get out of our room - I accidentally washed and dried her cashmere sweater. Thought I was being nice, what did I know? She never got over that even though I paid her for the sweater.

The next year I moved into a different dorm and it was such a wonderful contrast. Very few sorority or frat wannabes!

OP, your daughter will get through this. She doesn't need any of the crap that comes with sororities. Tell her to follow her interests and just be a nice person and she'll find her place. Greek life as a resume builder or a potential job connection is totally dated...and who'd want to work for anyone that still lives by that rule anyway.

 

[jodifla]

My sorority was -- and is still -- a great part of my life. I pledged 30 years ago, and am still active in the group. In each city I've moved to, I've been welcomed into alum groups with open arms. They've connected me into social circles and I have many longtime friendships from them.


All sororities are not bad or the stereotypical negatives I see bandied about here. In fact, it can be a LIFELONG positive.

But the rushing process can be difficult. It was my least favorite part of being in a sorority.

OP, your daughter should take a term to really get to know some members from different houses. This helps on two levels: She can learn which house would be a good fit for her, and she'll have people in the houses who can help during the voting process.

 

[asta]

I feel so bad for your daughter, I'll say an extra prayer for her. If it helps any, my daugher is in a sorority at a big southern school and she tells me that hardly any bids are given to non-freshmen at her school. If that is the case at her school, she probably had just too huge of a hurdle to overcome. Rush just seems to be overrun by freshman with their high school connections and other references. I was not in a sorority and after listening to her rush stories I realized that I was not strong enough to go that. It is so hard from both sides. She actually thinks that rush is harder from the inside with all of the judging and bad comments that go on.

On a more helpful point, would your daughter consider a campus fellowship. At my daughter's school RUF is very active. I believe it is an outreach from the Presbyterian church. That is not our church but this is a great campus group. She has met many friends there and they have a lot of activities. And their activities may be more fun because they are coed and you are not under all of that sorority pressure.

It never feels good to be rejected and I know that she is in pain. Out of that pain she can develop strength and empathy among other good things.

 

[asta]

OP, this is just one of those painful, hard situations with our children where we can't kiss it and make it all better. You can listen, be sympathetic, tell her it won't hurt forever, etc., but you can't make her pain go away. Only time can do that. And you don't need to help her understand it because she already does; that's why it hurts her so much. She was rejected because a bunch of girls met her, spent some time with her, talked to her, and decided they didn't want her in their club. That's just the truth of it. It's arbitrary. It's silly. And ultimately, I hope she comes to realize that it's meaningless. Those girls don't really know her. One can't know anyone new in such a short time. They simply projected qualities on her — and on all the other girls — based mostly on their own insecurities, superficial values, and flawed self-images. The girl they rejected isn't your DD at all, but rather a false, one-dimensional identity a bunch of girls created in their minds in a very short time. It simply isn't a real assessment of your daughter, because only those who truly know her can make those. Good luck supporting her through this.

This is a fantastic post. I think your insight is worth repeating.

 

[kafitty]

for your daughter and for you. it's always a major bummer to be rejected from something, especially when you can't figure out exactly what went wrong.

i don't know what specifically is available to your daughter at her school, but i think that she will have many, many more opportunities available to her since she won't be tied & committed to the sorority and their events & functions, etc. It really is a HUGE time & monetary commitment, and i certainly have had a wonderful college experience without it!

actually, i think i'm part of the best "sisterhood" on my campus...i play rugby, which is a club sport - so, if you're willing to play, you will play! We don't have tryouts, we don't cut people, etc....though it is fairly self-selective: it is RUGBY, after all, lol.
We do have our own...erm...traditions and we sort of have a Big/Little system similar to a sorority, but NOBODY is outcast on the basis of their grades/appearance/family ties/what have you. It's all about teamwork, and bonding with your teammates. I LOVE IT. i had never really played sports before college, and joined our team my sophomore year...BEST DECISION EVER!

i hope she finds something similar to what i have, because it really has made my college experience for me, and i didn't have to pay ridiculous amounts of money to get it! (okay, well, hospital bills and the irreversible damage to my body aside, lol)

 

[scottishduffy]

Ooooh. An all too familiar heart break, been there done that. My mother tried her best to convince me NOT to rush. She had tried that in college, and not been accepted anywhere and she was afirad the same thing would happen to me.

I rushed Freshman year and got dropped by everyone. I had a 3.6 GPA in highschool, was petite and took care of myself. I just got dropped by them all. It hurt, that people could decide so quickly that i was not worthwhile. It really made me question myself as a person for a while. I wondered what the heck was wrong that so many people had universally decided that I stink as human being.

I rushed again Sophomore year since my Husband (well, then my boyfriend) was in a frat. My best friend was in a sorority I had 'preffed' the prior year and she said that gave you weight with their committee. I had multiple friends in different sororities and hung out with them often. I was *confident*. Heck, there was even a new sorority starting and i signed up to be interviewed to possibly be a charter member. Well, I had goofed off freshman year and had a 2.9 GPA and got dropped by everyone the first day. It was HARD. My friends had begged me to rush, some were on rush committess and I had spoken to presidents ahead of time. I had been coached on image and how to do it and i still failed.

The one that didn't appear to drop me was the start-up. They said we would get a phone call if dropped but to come get our Bids at 10:00 am if we received no call. So after not received any call the prior night, i show up at 10:00 am with a large group of ~50 happy girls. I knew about 10 of them already since many of the girlfriends from Hubby's frat were part of this. I get to the front and the director says OVER THE MIKE "Oooh, I'm so sorry. We forgot to call you. There is no bid for you." You have never heard such an awkwardly silent room. I *cried* the whole way home.

I gave up on sororities and was better for it. All my friends pretty much dropped out by end of sophomore year. Hubby stayed active in his frat but those are so different. I ended up being an official math and statistics tutor for the sorority that though i was too dumb. Irony, it's beautiful.

I hope your daughter recovers soon. Encourage her to join other things on campus. Most people ended up getting very annoyed by their sorority committments and quit after 2 years anyway. Campus clubs always were much better and you got a better group of people. In the end I was thankful to have not been part of a sorority. Too much to do, too much politics,too much invasion into your private life, and superficial friendships.

 

[bluesaturn]

I'm sorry she had to deal with that. But just think of all the money she will save when she isn't paying dues, buying dresses for this and that, paying for hotel rooms for formals, etc.

And think of how much time she will have for her other pursuits. She can become involved in clubs and societies based on a hobby or interest, play intramural sports, or get a part time job.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

OP, this is just one of those painful, hard situations with our children where we can't kiss it and make it all better. You can listen, be sympathetic, tell her it won't hurt forever, etc., but you can't make her pain go away. Only time can do that. And you don't need to help her understand it because she already does; that's why it hurts her so much. She was rejected because a bunch of girls met her, spent some time with her, talked to her, and decided they didn't want her in their club. That's just the truth of it. It's arbitrary. It's silly. And ultimately, I hope she comes to realize that it's meaningless. Those girls don't really know her. One can't know anyone new in such a short time. They simply projected qualities on her — and on all the other girls — based mostly on their own insecurities, superficial values, and flawed self-images. The girl they rejected isn't your DD at all, but rather a false, one-dimensional identity a bunch of girls created in their minds in a very short time. It simply isn't a real assessment of your daughter, because only those who truly know her can make those. Good luck supporting her through this.

Repeating it three times. GREAT POST.

OP, I am so sorry. I once heard that having children means allowing your heart to walk around outside of your body. So true.


As for Greek organizations, well, I have no use for them at all. In a way, to my way of thinking, it's almost an allowed and encouraged form of prejudice. The idea that you are just supposed to connect with someone because of their affliation is beyond silly. Not to mention that is seems to be endorsed psychological abuse of others and sanctioned crueltyas evidenced by many of the stories shared here. YMMV

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I know how your daughter feels. After I transferred I rushed three separate times and did not even make it back to the first round of invites all three times. I also rushed one service sorority twice (they told me to come back and then still did not take me) and a local sorority twice (same story). I ended up joining a co-ed service fraternity called Alpha Phi Omega. It was suggested to me every time I rushed because I always asked about their philanthropies, but I wanted to broaden my horizons. I'm only sorry I didn't rush APO sooner. They have a nice balance of service and social, and they take everybody, as long as you fulfill the rush requirements. I am now an advisor for them.

Does your daughter have a similar organization at her school? One she could be involved in? I know it is very hard and you do pretty much feel like a loser, but perhaps it was just not meant to be. There are tons of organizations, and the service organizations tend to be similar to the socials, with a much larger focus on service and less focus on all the superficial nonsense.

 

[chrismiss56]

You have all been so wonderful!! Thank you!!

I made sure DD read this thread if for nothing else to let her know she is not alone in these feelings (I went to a college that didn't have a Greek System so I am clueless)

I have spoken with her a couple of times and I hear her tears but also know she is going to be ok......(plus I sent her a box of chocolates to ease the pain.....Isn't chocolate the miracle cure?

Just wish life's learning experience didn't always have to hurt

Have a Magical Disney Day

 

[Lanshark]

Tell her to get involved in campus life. I went to a big ten school and there are tons of fun activities that don't involve the Greek system.

Rejection is always tough. The bright side is, she'll save some money and she won't be part of a system that hurt her so badly. She may actually find that she has more in common with the students who are not in the Greek System.

 

[castleview]

I'm glad (and jealous) you sent her the chocolates! I went to a Big Ten school (Minnesota) and honestly, the sorority/fraternity community is such a small aspect of campus life that you only notice it when you walk by some of the houses. About the only time the Greeks were noticable was at the homecoming parade...and honestly, decorating a float and chanting their chapter's name just didn't look like much fun - kind of looked weird too.

The posters have made some great suggestions to follow her own hobbies, join an intramural team or just get a workstudy or part time job. I did hate school the first semester, but it got so much better afterwards.

Also, while some posters have said to try "rushing" again - my theory is "why bother?" This is the time to learn that other people don't have control over you. I'm rooting for DD to move forward, meet new people and not look back. Tell her congrats, she has been accepted to the GDI (GD Independent) sorority!!!

 

[Bluestars]

Although I was never interested in joining a sorority, I have a cousin who lived for that kind of stuff. She was rejected by everyone and devastated.

OP, I'm sorry that your daughter had this experience. It obviously meant a lot to her and I'm sure the feeling of rejection hurt deeply. I know as a parent you felt the pain too. It hurts to see our kids in pain.

Only time heals things like this. She will move on, make new friends, and enjoy college in a different way. The pain she has experienced will probably make her a much more compassionate person, as hardships often do.

Your daughter sounds like she has a lot going for her. Those people don't know her and the wonderful person she is. The people who really matter are the ones who like her when she is being herself. Life is too short to let other people determine our own self-worth.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I'm glad (and jealous) you sent her the chocolates! I went to a Big Ten school (Minnesota) and honestly, the sorority/fraternity community is such a small aspect of campus life that you only notice it when you walk by some of the houses. About the only time the Greeks were noticable was at the homecoming parade...and honestly, decorating a float and chanting their chapter's name just didn't look like much fun - kind of looked weird too.

We have the same alma mater.

 

[mrs_hower726]

I know how your daughter feels. After I transferred I rushed three separate times and did not even make it back to the first round of invites all three times. I also rushed one service sorority twice (they told me to come back and then still did not take me) and a local sorority twice (same story). I ended up joining a co-ed service fraternity called Alpha Phi Omega. It was suggested to me every time I rushed because I always asked about their philanthropies, but I wanted to broaden my horizons. I'm only sorry I didn't rush APO sooner. They have a nice balance of service and social, and they take everybody, as long as you fulfill the rush requirements. I am now an advisor for them.

Does your daughter have a similar organization at her school? One she could be involved in? I know it is very hard and you do pretty much feel like a loser, but perhaps it was just not meant to be. There are tons of organizations, and the service organizations tend to be similar to the socials, with a much larger focus on service and less focus on all the superficial nonsense.

OP, in addition to service fraternities, there are also professional fraternities within a given major. I was a music major and joined a co-ed professional fraternity called Delta Omicron. With DO, we didn't turn anybody away except if they didn't meet the academic criteria (B average in music, 2.5 overall). They also had to be in their second semester at our university. We had pledge classes as small as 1 and as big as 14. It was a great experience for me and not too hard hitting financially.

Also have her check into clubs. Sometimes they have a club expo at the beginning of the semester and there are hundreds of clubs that would love the membership of your daughter.

Tell her to keep her chin up.