College Kids home--boundaries?

[MKCP5]

I have 2 college aged children who will be home for 6 weeks at Christmas. I have pretty much always waited up for them when they go out at night. I may fall asleep on the couch, but I wait up. My older son is 21 now, and I feel comfortable going to bed while he is out, but my daughter is just 18. She says "none of my friends parents wait up" and doesn't want to be restricted about what time she comes in. She also says "I know you don't care what everyone else's parents do" At least she knows me!

That being said, I want to be fair, and I am wondering what everyone else does with this when their kids come home, or what time their curfew is. Please don't respond if you are going to jump on me and give me the "my house, my rules, do what I say" speech. I understand it's my decision and my choice as a parent to place the boundary. Just wondering what everyone else does in this situation Thanks!!

 

[North of Mouse]

Might get more responses on Community Board as this is not Disney family related.

 

[MKCP5]

okay wrong board gotcha

 

[lovin'fl]

My oldest is almost 18 (DS). He has a car and a job and a GF that lives 30 minutes away. Still, I wait up for him and he needs to be home in time for me to go to bed (meaning, I won't wait up until midnight-2AM). So, on school nights he has to be home between 8:30 and 9:30 depending on the situation. My kids have to get up at 5:45 for school so they should be asleep early (I know they aren't but they are at least laying in their rooms). On non-school nights he has to be home around 10-11pm (I try for 10pm). This year will be the 1st time I'll allow him to be home past midnight (on New Year's Eve...then maybe senior prom). His GF's mom is pretty much the same with curfew times as is my DS's good friend who lives down the street (actually that mom is earlier). My DS doesn't give me too much trouble about it...except when on vacation (Disney last Dec and then Hilton Head this August).

When I was in HS, in the late 80s, my parents were pretty lax on curfew. My brother was 5 years older than me and I think they were just worn down by the time I got to HS. I remember 10pm on weekdays and midnight-2AM on weekends. I will admit that I was up to no good from 11pm-2am...think about it, what exactly is there to do for under 21s at that hour. So, I won't be lax like that with my kids...JMO. After my DS I have twin DDs (almost 16 now) and they will have the same rules as DS.

 

[JessM]

My parents waited up and enforced curfews before I went to college. Once I was in college they stopped waiting up and requiring curfews. I had been on my own for the semester in college so they didn't feel the need to treat me like a child when I came home for Christmas. They always asked what I was doing for the evening and if I was planning on coming home but that was it.

 

[lovin'fl]

Oh...just realized OP is talking about a college kid that's 18 (my DS is a HS senior, so it's a tad different). Oops! Yeah, you probably should loosen the reins a bit.

 

[kamik86]

When I came home my parents didn't really have any curfew rules. Although honestly even in highschool they really didn't. I wasn't super social with hanging out at friends so if I was out it was generally because of an event (a softball game, drama rehersals, a specific movie or play I'm going to, etc) so they would just ask when it ended and base when I should be home off that. Once I started hanging out at my boyfriends we had a bit of a timetable but I was able to change it for specific things. Same with work sometimes I would get out of work at 10 on school nights and as late as midnight on weekends (For example the above poster that said 9 on school nights... yeah that seems really early to me)

Actually only the first christmas break did I really live at home. By the summer I was mostly living at my boyfriends when I went home.

 

[SEA333]

Might get more responses on Community Board as this is not Disney family related.

This is also a family board, and I will answer! (I don't care what board you post on

My 14 year old already tries to pull the "why do I have to call...you know I won't be doing anything wrong" bit, but my answer is, and will be when he goes off to college:

You will have people your whole life that care about you. Out of respect to those people, you should ALWAYS let someone know where you are going to be, and what time you expect to be home. At age 18 on Christmas Break this year, that person is me. This will change when you get married, or when you have a place of your own. Because you are coming to this house to sleep while you are on break, please respect the fact that I care about you and want you to be safe and just give me an approximate time you will be home each night.

She is thinking it's still about the parent/child power struggle. help her realize that letting someone who you are staying with/living with/etc know where you are and what time you expect to be home is not about power, it's about communication and common courtesy and is definitely a safety net. If something happens at midnight and she told you she will be home at 1am, and now it's 2:30am and she still hasn't called, you know to start trying to find her. If she doesn't tell anyone where she is or what she is doing, and something happens at midnight, you won't even know to worry until at least the next day.

And, when she gets married and has kids, a job, etc, she will need to account for herself pretty much every second of every day to *someone* - between her husband, her employer, her kids, her kids' daycare, schools, coaches.....someone at almost every point in time is going to need to know how to get ahold of her and where she is and when she is going to be arriving. it really doesn't have anything to do with mommy being overprotective of her 18 year old!

Good luck!!!

 

[msmama]

My Mom waited up. Heck, I'm in my late 30's and she still sometimes waits up when I visit!!

Before the time of cell phones I had to tell her about when I'd be home. If it ended up being vastly different, I'd find a pay phone and call (remember when you'd call collect and when it asked for your name you'd just say, "I'll be another hour," lol).

Still, if I happen to go out when visiting my mom (now it's all moms leaving their kids behind so it's not like we're out til the wee hours of the morning - 10:00 is late for us) she still asks me to wake her when I get home.

I'd say, if your comfortable with some freedom, just say that you'd like to know where she is and about when she'll be home and if it changes, just let you know. Seems like a good balance to me, personally.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I called my mom to let her know that I got home okay, up until the day she died.

I was 45.

Waiting up for someone doesn't do anything to them. Heck, it is you that is losing sleep not her.

Oh, and I wait up for my husband. It isn't because I don't trust him. It is because I love him.

 

[diskids2]

I have a 19 year old and a 23 year old. Neither have curfews since they graduated high school. They both live at home. If I feel like waiting up, I do. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. That's my choice and they have nothing to say about it. Since they have no curfew, we have asked for a text message at 2 am if they are going to be out longer...this way when I wake up I am not in dread if they aren't home.

We have had many arguments over this through the years. My kids look at it as a control issue and I look at it as a respect issue. I am 52 and if I am going to be out later, I let my husband know. I often tell them...you are not asking for permission to stay out, you are letting me know out of respect for me and for yourself.

My DD was more difficult with this than my DS...and she is the older one. It actually did get to a point where I said, if you can't stand sending me a text at 2 am, then it is time for you to start looking for a place of your own. I said it very nicely and gave her the name and number of my real estate agent. I always listen to my children and often negotiate, but this was not up for negotiation. As a side note, my DS comes home later than my DD and my DD almost never stays out past 12-1. I think she just loves to challenge me.

It is very difficult because you want to give them their independence and you still worry about them. That will never change!

 

[jerseygal]

Turned "19" late last summer.. Basically, halfway through summer, I decided that it was "ok" to fall asleep with him out...He is extremely responsible and if not coming home, staying at a friends house will let me know in advance...I always have my cell with me 24/7 and "by my bed" in case of any calls/texts.

He is in college now and I am "realistic"...
It is a "matter of survival" for me since I rise VERY EARLY! Nothing like my morning coffee and checking out DIS!

I will however "set my clock" and if he is not home by a certain time, I would text him or call to find out where he is...Have not had any problems so far...
My "BABYSITTING" days are long over! He has lived away at school his senior year,now this is his second year of living on his own away at college..
So FAR SO GOOD!

 

[jerseygal]

My Mom waited up. Heck, I'm in my late 30's and she still sometimes waits up when I visit!!

Before the time of cell phones I had to tell her about when I'd be home. If it ended up being vastly different, I'd find a pay phone and call (remember when you'd call collect and when it asked for your name you'd just say, "I'll be another hour," lol).

Still, if I happen to go out when visiting my mom (now it's all moms leaving their kids behind so it's not like we're out til the wee hours of the morning - 10:00 is late for us) she still asks me to wake her when I get home.

I'd say, if your comfortable with some freedom, just say that you'd like to know where she is and about when she'll be home and if it changes, just let you know. Seems like a good balance to me, personally.

In a nice, kind way tell your Mom, "IT'S OK TO GO TO BED..DON'T WAIT UP"!

 

[tina.tina]

This is also a family board, and I will answer! (I don't care what board you post on

My 14 year old already tries to pull the "why do I have to call...you know I won't be doing anything wrong" bit, but my answer is, and will be when he goes off to college:

You will have people your whole life that care about you. Out of respect to those people, you should ALWAYS let someone know where you are going to be, and what time you expect to be home. At age 18 on Christmas Break this year, that person is me. This will change when you get married, or when you have a place of your own. Because you are coming to this house to sleep while you are on break, please respect the fact that I care about you and want you to be safe and just give me an approximate time you will be home each night.

She is thinking it's still about the parent/child power struggle. help her realize that letting someone who you are staying with/living with/etc know where you are and what time you expect to be home is not about power, it's about communication and common courtesy and is definitely a safety net. If something happens at midnight and she told you she will be home at 1am, and now it's 2:30am and she still hasn't called, you know to start trying to find her. If she doesn't tell anyone where she is or what she is doing, and something happens at midnight, you won't even know to worry until at least the next day.

And, when she gets married and has kids, a job, etc, she will need to account for herself pretty much every second of every day to *someone* - between her husband, her employer, her kids, her kids' daycare, schools, coaches.....someone at almost every point in time is going to need to know how to get ahold of her and where she is and when she is going to be arriving. it really doesn't have anything to do with mommy being overprotective of her 18 year old!

Good luck!!!

This is a very good post. I lived at home when I was in college and it was rough. My parents did not understand that I was going to school full time and working 2 part time jobs to pay for gas, etc that totaled up to full time hours and more. They just saw their little girl was not home enough. If you treat your adult child like that, you will push her away. Be respectful of her and require that she be respectful of you- because it is your house and you're her mom and, as a grown up, she should act like it.

 

[smiths02]

This is also a family board, and I will answer! (I don't care what board you post on

My 14 year old already tries to pull the "why do I have to call...you know I won't be doing anything wrong" bit, but my answer is, and will be when he goes off to college:

You will have people your whole life that care about you. Out of respect to those people, you should ALWAYS let someone know where you are going to be, and what time you expect to be home. At age 18 on Christmas Break this year, that person is me. This will change when you get married, or when you have a place of your own. Because you are coming to this house to sleep while you are on break, please respect the fact that I care about you and want you to be safe and just give me an approximate time you will be home each night.

She is thinking it's still about the parent/child power struggle. help her realize that letting someone who you are staying with/living with/etc know where you are and what time you expect to be home is not about power, it's about communication and common courtesy and is definitely a safety net. If something happens at midnight and she told you she will be home at 1am, and now it's 2:30am and she still hasn't called, you know to start trying to find her. If she doesn't tell anyone where she is or what she is doing, and something happens at midnight, you won't even know to worry until at least the next day.

And, when she gets married and has kids, a job, etc, she will need to account for herself pretty much every second of every day to *someone* - between her husband, her employer, her kids, her kids' daycare, schools, coaches.....someone at almost every point in time is going to need to know how to get ahold of her and where she is and when she is going to be arriving. it really doesn't have anything to do with mommy being overprotective of her 18 year old!

Good luck!!!

This. I would not have a curfew...just expect common courtesy. I would treat it how I would treat my DH or how my DH would treat me. We don't have curfews or wait up for one another, but we tell each other where we are going and when we expect to be home.

 

[puffkin]

I would suggest giving them a time you are comfortable with (for example 2am) and tell them if they aren't home by then or don't expect to be home to let you know in advance. If they realize last minute, to shoot you a text or something. I don't think you need to wait up for them anymore....but a little common courtesy will go a long way. I think it is more how you approach it and present the idea to them that will "sell" it

 

[Raenstoirm]

After being on your own for a semester, it may be hard to get back into the swing of things in terms of accountability. I would not have stood for curfews at that age. I was living in the city (Washington DC three blocks from the White House) freshman year, so being told I couldn't do something would not have gone over well. I may suggest you set up a courtesy ground rule. Sort of if they aren't home by midnight, you will send a text with a time you will plan on being home or tell mom I don't plan on coming home that night. At least when I was on college break, I would crash at friends' houses some nights if we were doing something and I didn't want to drive back to my mom's and they would do the same at my house. I always told her my basic plans and let her know if they changed, but I assure you, I would not have come home for break ever again if she tried to limit that freedom. She never did and she even spent a few weekends at my aunts house when my boyfriend came to visit, so we could have the house alone while he was in town. He's now my husband (13 years strong and expecting twins), so she made a good judgement call there.
its a tough spot for a parent to be in. I don't want to think about it when my twins are 18!

 

[MSSANDRA]

At 18 and after being away at collage, it needs to be more about respect than rules. We did not have a curfew, but liked to know a general time he might be home, and a text if those plans change. I might not wait UP, but I never am a deep sleeper and would not really sleep good until I hear him come in so I always had him stick his head in my room to say goodnight. Sometimes that was it, sometimes he wanted to talk about his night and that was fine too. I bet it will be much less of an issue than you expect it to be.

 

[kkmcan]

I have an almost 18 year old high school senior so a tiny bit different but here's my take on it. My dd who is also my oldest doesn't have a curfew per se. We decide on a decent amount of time based on whatever it is she is doing that night- movie, party, at friends house whatever and then set what time she should be home. She works a lot of late nights at the movie theater so often she is home after midnight because of work not going out.

Next year she will be living at home while attending college and the rules will be similar. I don't think there is anything but trouble to be had for teens just wandering around late at night to kill time just because its not time for curfew. So she won't have a time set time but will come home whenever we decide based on what she's doing. For example if the movie she is seeing ends and the kids want to get ice cream, that's fine. If the football game ends and they want to go get food that's fine too. Then she calls and asks me and I give her a time to be home by. I'm pretty flexible as long as I know where she is and what she's doing. Most of these outings wind down around midnight anyways. There isn't anything to do later than that around here.

I do wait up for her to get home because once I fall asleep and am then woken up when she gets home then I"m awake the rest of the night. I hate that! So I try to stay awake until she gets home. Sometimes I doze on the couch while waiting though. Throws off my whole sleep cycle.

 

[NYEmomma]

After being on your own for a semester, it may be hard to get back into the swing of things in terms of accountability. I would not have stood for curfews at that age. I was living in the city (Washington DC three blocks from the White House) freshman year, so being told I couldn't do something would not have gone over well. I may suggest you set up a courtesy ground rule. Sort of if they aren't home by midnight, you will send a text with a time you will plan on being home or tell mom I don't plan on coming home that night. At least when I was on college break, I would crash at friends' houses some nights if we were doing something and I didn't want to drive back to my mom's and they would do the same at my house. I always told her my basic plans and let her know if they changed, but I assure you, I would not have come home for break ever again if she tried to limit that freedom. She never did and she even spent a few weekends at my aunts house when my boyfriend came to visit, so we could have the house alone while he was in town. He's now my husband (13 years strong and expecting twins), so she made a good judgement call there.
its a tough spot for a parent to be in. I don't want to think about it when my twins are 18!

This.

I stayed at home for college, but once I got into college, I had no curfews. Granted, I didn't really have any in high school... whatever time the city said to be home was when I needed to be home. But I wasn't a bad kid -- I was in the marching band & all my friends were band nerds like me. Our idea of an exciting night would be roaming the neighborhood trying to ambush the band boys that lived the block over with toilet paper -- and then sleeping on the front porch all night long to "protect the house" (turns out they TP'd my backyard, lol!). When I started dating, same rules applied. City curfew was midnight until 18, so until I was 18, I had to be home by midnight. My boyfriend usually stayed over another 2-4 hours after bringing me home, but I was home!

In college I was engaged, in the honors program, working in Human Resources & trying to graduate in 3 years instead of 4. I did pretty much what I wanted to do, including vacations alone with my fiance.

My parents always knew what I was doing, where I was going & who I was going to be with. I had a cell phone since they first came out so it was easy to call them if plans changed.

I think if your children are respectful, mature adults and show that they can be trusted, there's no need for a curfew.