college essay. help!

[vickxo]

i'm driving myself nuts with this college essay! i've written like 5 different ones but i'm kinda leaning towards this one. feel free to completely rip it apart any help is good.

I don't know about you guys but i find it incredibly hard to write about myself. give me any topic im fine but about me, uggg.

ok so here it is:

Picture a child, who really isn't quite tall enough to ride the roller coaster yet, but there they stand on the tips of their toes, neck stretched out, head held high convinced they were ready and stayed convinced until that first bump, you know the one where your stomach drops to your knees and all you want to do is scream but it just won’t come out, that’s the feeling I had freshman year of high school.
High school is a playground of vices, every temptation imaginable right in front of you and for those four years you can either choose to give in or take out. I’ve learned more from my class mates and friends than I ever would have from any text book my school could have provided. I’ve seen relatively small situations turn into battles of epic proportions. I’ve walked through hall ways of war, high tension, emotions about to boil over at any moment. I’ve observed these people, my classmates, friends, almost as if they were lab rats in an experiment, although they’re not the only ones I found myself observing, I started looking at myself differently, was I really growing up, was I changing as much as they were? I’d been through the same things they have, sometimes worse things. How have those things really affected me? I’d lost the most influential person in my life, my grandfather, during my freshman year of high school. Looking back his lessons just seemed like “yeah ok, whatever” but now those lessons, one in particular, haunt me everyday. “Don’t take things for face value, look at it differently, and see the ugly beautiful and the plain elaborate.” That didn’t make much sense to me then but now I incorporate that into my photography. The right photo can make a weed look more beautiful than a rose. For me the photographs open my eyes to something, its not just a face in the photo it’s the raw emotion at that exact moment in time that I find almost hypnotizing. I find my self looking through magazines and seeing photographs with a message the most alluring, I think of them as a high fashion lesson in virtues and vises. Photography is my outlet to display the cliché ugly or plain as something intriguing, to communicate a message or to stir up controversy, negative attention is still attention and as long as you got their attention you’re doing something right.


thank you!

 

[Mickey1122]

I like the content alot. It says a lot about you and how you are shaped by your family and friends. Where are you applying?
I suggest making the photography its own paragraph. The only issue is grammar, not content. The whole first paragraph is one really long sentence. I would recommend asking your english teacher to give it a once over for specifics. For example, there is subjet disagreement in the frst sentence because you switch from a "single child waiting for the coaster" to "they."
But the content was great!!!

 

[vickxo]

i had it in paragraph form but i just posted it as a giant blob of words haha. but thanks and im applying to the fashion institute in NYC.

 

[I'm a Divaaaaa]

The essays telling about yourself is one of the most important things about your application. I think it is a really good start and it gives background on what got you into photography. As a photography major myself, I can tell you that they appreciate that. I think you got every across that you wanted to but I would have someone look over it and try and help you with scructure and semantic and even diction. It's really good but I see a lot more in it.

 

[wishspirit]

its good, although i don't realy know what i am looking for. I had to write a personal statement with my University application (im English), but they had to be written in a different style.

I personally went for a really snappy first line cause i didn't have much else to recomend myself plus we were told not to put anything personal about family etc unless it gave them circumstances why your grades might not be high enough.

My first line was: “Those who do not understand history are condemned to repeat it”, this quotation was told to me in my very first history lesson in my secondary school, and sparked my passion and curiosity in this subject, which has stuck with me throughout my years at school. (You might guess i am a history student)

If you want to read any more of mine (which may or may not be helpful to you,) i can PM it.

Put it looks like a great effort so far!

 

[DisneyGirl421]

I think that's a great college essay. I echo what everyone else has said, as the essay tells about yourself.

Mine was all about how theatre has shaped my life. I believe I started it by describing what it feels like as the overture starts playing of a musical I'm in. And obviously, it worked!

Where are you applying? And GL too! Don't stress too hard, it's really not that bad.

 

[vickxo]

thank you everyone.

and disneygirl i love your signature newsies and rent by far my favorite things in life haha. i actually went to go see adam and anthonys final perfomance last sunday and it was unbelievable!!

 

[CheerExtreme]

i'm driving myself nuts with this college essay! i've written like 5 different ones but i'm kinda leaning towards this one. feel free to completely rip it apart any help is good.

I don't know about you guys but i find it incredibly hard to write about myself. give me any topic im fine but about me, uggg.

ok so here it is:

Picture a child, who really isn't quite tall enough to ride the roller coaster yet, but there they stand on the tips of their toes, neck stretched out, head held high convinced they were ready and stayed convinced until that first bump, you know the one where your stomach drops to your knees and all you want to do is scream but it just won’t come out, that’s the feeling I had freshman year of high school.
High school is a playground of vices, every temptation imaginable right in front of you and for those four years you can either choose to give in or take out. I’ve learned more from my class mates and friends than I ever would have from any text book my school could have provided. I’ve seen relatively small situations turn into battles of epic proportions. I’ve walked through hall ways of war, high tension, emotions about to boil over at any moment. I’ve observed these people, my classmates, friends, almost as if they were lab rats in an experiment, although they’re not the only ones I found myself observing, I started looking at myself differently, was I really growing up, was I changing as much as they were? I’d been through the same things they have, sometimes worse things. How have those things really affected me? I’d lost the most influential person in my life, my grandfather, during my freshman year of high school. Looking back his lessons just seemed like “yeah ok, whatever” but now those lessons, one in particular, haunt me everyday. “Don’t take things for face value, look at it differently, and see the ugly beautiful and the plain elaborate.” That didn’t make much sense to me then but now I incorporate that into my photography. The right photo can make a weed look more beautiful than a rose. For me the photographs open my eyes to something, its not just a face in the photo it’s the raw emotion at that exact moment in time that I find almost hypnotizing. I find my self looking through magazines and seeing photographs with a message the most alluring, I think of them as a high fashion lesson in virtues and vises. Photography is my outlet to display the cliché ugly or plain as something intriguing, to communicate a message or to stir up controversy, negative attention is still attention and as long as you got their attention you’re doing something right.

thank you!

I love this. Great comparing. But I have a few issues. The part highlighted in yellow make more symbolic. Like walking the halls being a freshman in a new highschool is like a road in Iraq (or whatever you want to use). You don't always see them but snipers, or your enemies, are everywhere. They can find anything wrong with you. It doesn't matter....ect. IMO. The part highlighted in purple I just have a problem with. It sounds like you just were trying to finish it fast.(no offense) Try to make it tie into the rest of the paragraph. I hope that my help comes in handy. I may be young and only 15, but I have a writing mind that goes faster and thinks different than others.