College children and food wars

[Tiggeroo]

I have three college children living in my home. All are on a tight budget. There is generally basic food here that they can cook like chicken breasts, salad, tuna, ramen, etc.. However the oldest who is in grad school buys alot of her own things, special things she likes. Sometimes she picks up Ben and Jerry's or some kind of cheese or puts leftovers in the fridge. She doesn't label them but it's pretty clear usually that these aren't part of the regular food items. Without fail one of her brothers eats something of hers. She yells and I end up sucked into the mess. Usually when she discovers the problem the boys aren't around. I forget to deal with it later so it gets overlooked. I'm going nuts with this stuff. I am busy. I am finishing up two classes for my degree, helping dh run a business, getting apps out for a teaching job or sub position and during the school year working full time. I don't want to play parent to three grown children but I'm aware the boys take advantage of their sister with this. She seems unable to resolve this.
My suggestion was that she get a mini fridge and keep special things in her room with the door locked. She thinks this is ridiculous and wasteful. (It is a bit but I pay the electric and I would be happy to do this to end this fight) Not all of the time do the boys know its her food. Sometimes DH eats it too, not realizing. I do not want to parent three grown children and their squabbles.
Living with these three college kids is definitely making me nuts.

 

[FergieTCat]

Tell her to put her name on the labels (or make labels with her name). At least people can't claim "I had no idea it was hers." If that doesn't work, suggest she get her own mini-fridge.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Your sons may well be "taking advantage" of their sister a bit, BUT your daughter has plenty of ways she can resolve this without involving you if she really wants to:

1. Take a sharpie and label her items
2. Take you up on the mini fridge option
3. Have an adult discussion with ehr brother at a calm time without pulling Mom and Dad into it
4. Get really fed up and move out and support herself

Seems they are pretty used to being able to suck you in to refering (I understand I REALLY do it is soooooo hard not to get involved) so that is the easiest thing for them--and a pattern they are used to repeating. It is going to takea while to break the habit. My line to my kids (who are only 10 and 12 but I think it still applies) is "That is not my issue and I am not getting invovled." Repeat over and over and over again calmly and eventually they will either kill each other or figure it out themselves

ETA-- Icame back because i was afraid option 4 would make it look like I felt there is something wrong with you supporting your children with housing/food/etc. while they are in school. I do not at all. But, as an adult she does have that option if living with her brothers drives her that nuts.

 

[barkley]

i agree that she should'nt have to resort to this but if her brothers have that little respect for personal property it may be her only recourse.

that said-i've known people who broke their roommates of this habit by some unique behaviour managment techniques. i remember one who determined that a certain type of dog food (non toxic to humans) looked identical to dinty moore stew so she ate her can of stew, put the dog food into the can and then labled it as normal ("do not eat-x's"). did this a few days in a row (stashing the dog food cans) and then ceremoniously asked the roommates "who ate my dog food?" (with cans held high)-her roommate never again touched any container she left in the fridge

i lived with a couple of my brothers for a short time-one repeatedly would steal my cranberry juice from the fridge (drank it straight from the container). i inadvertantly broke him of the habit one night when i had a good amount of cheap red wine left over from a jug and to save space transferred it to an old cranberry juice container. i was'nt home at the time but i heard that he gulped down about 1/2 a quart before the taste reccognition hit him. he was sick the next day and when he recovered was livid-but as i told him "it's my cranberry juice bottle-what i put into is for me so i don't have to put warning labels on it".

try to enforce the labeling-if the guys still ignore it then that's the character of the guys she's living with and she will have to resort to doing a lock down of her stuff.

 

[lovetoscrap]

Sounds like they are old enough to fight their own battles. You have made a very practical suggestion for her to get her own fridge and keep her things in and she has rejected it so this is her problem. You need to just refuse to get involved. If she comes to you then just tell her "This is between you and your brothers, you are old enough to deal with this yourself. I am not involved." Refuse to listen to it. Walk away to another room if you have to. Don't sympathize with her, don't promise her things, just be completely neutral. Even if it is Dad that ate her stuff then that is between her and Dad, doesnt' involve you.

If she were living on her own in a house with others and no mommy how would she deal with this? She is in Grad School. Time to grow up and learn to be independent.

I would probably sit down with her and tell her that from now on this is her problem and you don't want to hear about it. The offer for her to buy a fridge and keep it in her room is always open but you will not be getting involved.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Food, in our home, has no owner. You bring it into our home and anyone, visitor or family, is welcome to it. If you don't like to share, eat it before you get home...

 

[blissventure]

Maybe they all three should get a mini-frig. If they were living away, they'd probably each have one. Put your food in your frig, end of story.
You shouldn't have to be involved in their squabbles. How would they resolve this if they were on their own with roommates?

 

[Tiggeroo]

Thank you. This is probably the only real issue they draw me into at this point in their lives. The boys are jerks about it. I'm not sure labeling would stop it but it would take away their excuses. I don't believe a calm discussion will stop it either because they walk in after I'm in bed and eat whatever is quick. I believe a min fridge is the main solution followed pretty closely by move out and get your own kitchen.
All three of these kids pay a minimal rent, which we just started three months ago. This is because they are taking too long to get through school IMO. It is also designed to make moving out more attractive to the older one.
I told her I would not get involved with it. It becomes a he said/she said thing with no winners. I was just feeling bad because I'm thinking I'm allowing the boys to engage in bad behavior and maybe I should in some way crack down on them. But I'll never be around when it happens and they'll never be around when she finds out.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

My DS20 (fresh home from living on campus) does have his own mini fridge, which he keeps in the basement. It's handy for him, and I've been known to store an occasional bottle of wine there myself.

But if your DD is opposed to that idea, I agree that labeling her items is an easy solution. it doesn't take that much effort, she can write her name on a whole package of labels and just stick them on the items as she buys them. A quick family meeting informing the boys that items labeled with sis's name are off limits would probably resolve the issue in my house.

Good luck!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Let me preface this with the fact that I'm uh, blunt.

"You're an adult, honey. If you don't like it, find your own place to live or figure out your own solution. You're not two years old."

 

[emma'smom]

If it makes you feel better, I have to do this with my own DH. I am forever finding things I purchased specifically for use in a recipe (for him to eat at a meal) snacked upon and gone when I need to use it. I've taken to using a sharpie and just writing "THIS IS FOR A RECIPE- DO NOT EAT!" on it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--Maybe you did "let the boys get away" with this when they were younger. By college age I think it is not your concern atall so it is not you who let it happen. I am sure they can point to otehr ways that your DD gets treated "better." For example: all three had to start paying rent three montsh ago? So DD (who is oldest) got to live at home rent free for more years than they did right? So they may think she "Gets away" with more. Basically I am saying there are at least 2 (and often more) sides to every sibling squabble.

Truly I do think refusing to have ANYTHING to do with this now is what you need to do. Actually, do not get involved in any of their issues. Ever. It will make your life better and will allow them to move into having adult relationships with each other which will be good for them in the long run. If you can't hold your tongue any longer get in the car and leave until you can.

 

[dis-happy]

Labelling does seem like the easiest solution.....espcially since your dh also eats some of the food accidently.

Your dd could also keep a list and her grocery receipts...if something is missing she could present the eater with a bill to pay her back for the groceries.

In college we were allowed to borrow from each other (everyone had their own shelf) but under the agreement that it would be replaced within 24 hours. No one every borrowed unless there was some sort of emergency.


Finally, this thread reminds me of on occaision in high school. I had mixed up a pitcher of red humming bird food to put in the feeder. Since it was in a juice container I thought I should warn everyone in the family with a big sign. "DO NOT DRINK!!! HUMMINGBIRD FOOD!" My dad thought I was trying to keep him from drinking something he would want, and drank it anyway (straight from the carton, not doubt). Boy, did my mom laugh when he complained how bad it tasted and how he had to spit it out!!!!

 

[Tiggeroo]

Yep older dd got away with things financially. She was rent free for three years more then them. There really isn't favoritism. It's just that there are twin boys and it seems like we have a more male centered home. And about the cranberry juice story, that is something that would happen here.
She really needs to get her own place. DH and I are trying to decide whether we actually have to make her or just keep making things a little more uncomfortable.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yep older dd got away with things financially. She was rent free for three years more then them. There really isn't favoritism. It's just that there are twin boys and it seems like we have a more male centered home. And about the cranberry juice story, that is something that would happen here.
She really needs to get her own place. DH and I are trying to decide whether we actually have to make her or just keep making things a little more uncomfortable.

I hope you don't think I was implying there is favouritism. ALl I emant is that kids tend to SEE favouritism when it isn't there. They relate everything back to tehm and notice what they do not get much more than what they do.

Maybe your DD will be more likely to leave when you quit fighting her battles for her. If nothing else it will help you save your sanity Good luck.

 

[Tiggeroo]

No I know you didn't mean favoritism. I feel good about the rent decision. There are things the boys could do to have their rent reduced. I"m really looking at preserving my sanity now. But I'm feeling guilty for not jumping in and saving her. You really can't get into one of your kids arguments. They become ridiculous and you resort to because I said so.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh so you need a Mommy guilt survival support group We can do THAT Really, let it be. Instead of feeling guilty that you are not helping your DD resolve this--feel good that you are staying out and helping her to learn how to resolve such issues in the relativly "safe" world of home and family so that when coworkers steal her food from the fridge in the breakroom she will not get herself on her boss' bad side but running to him/her for help. She will know how to deal with it herself by labeling her food, etc. See--you are doing her a FAVOUR

 

[C.Ann]

Food, in our home, has no owner. You bring it into our home and anyone, visitor or family, is welcome to it. If you don't like to share, eat it before you get home...

I tend to agree with this.. I live with DD and her family 5 months out of the year and whatever food comes into the house - regardless of who paid for it - "belongs" to everyone..

The only other alternatives for your DD are:

Get the mini fridge and lock her room..

Or

Get a place of her own..

This is not a "living with roomates somewhere else" situation.. This is the family home - and no one person should be the "owner" of specific foods that come into the house.. Doesn't sound very "family friendly" to me..

 

[maelstrom]

When I lived with my ex's family, I labeled all of my stuff so that his younger brother didn't eat it all!

 

[lovetoscrap]

As far as getting her to move out, I have heard of parents that charge their kids rent but actually put the money (or a portion of it) in savings (without telling the kids) and then when it is "time" present them with the money so they have enough for a first and last month's rent and security deposit and maybe extra for furnishings etc to get them started. I would probably also raise the rent to live at home to make it a little more uncomfortable and more like being in the 'real world" . Why pay mom and dad that much if I can get my own place for the same amount.

The boys in undergrad are a different case since many parents pay for school and room and board the first 4 years so you are actually saving money having them at home. But if they are on the 5 years and beyond plan then it it is time to make them more uncomfortable also!