Co-workers wedding wwyd

[tarheelmjfan]

Because poor aunt Helens gift comes from the heart. Don’t know anyone that would feel any different.

I obviously need to be taking this thread more seriously.

 

[Imzadi]

If I was the co-worker that knew OP for only a short time and somehow heard that she gave me more money than the co-worker she knew well for 10 yrs, I'd be a little uncomfortable. I'd never try to seek out that info, but if I did overhear it somewhere,

I was thinking of it from the other way around. What if the 10 yr co-worker heard from 8 month Bridezilla, who of course, HAS to retell every detail of her fabulous wedding, that she got a significantly bigger gift that the 10 yr co-worker? The 10 yr co-worker and sometime social friend outside of work, might feel slightly miffed.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I was thinking of it from the other way around. What if the 10 yr co-worker heard from 8 month Bridezilla, who of course, HAS to retell every detail of her fabulous wedding, that she got a significantly bigger gift that the 10 yr co-worker? The 10 yr co-worker and sometime social friend outside of work, might feel slightly miffed.

Yeah, I could definitely see it happening that way too. That's one benefit to giving physical gifts rather than money. Those aren't always as easy to compare in monetary value. Some toasters are $5 on black friday, while others might cost $100. Even with two different items, they may appear to be a similiar value, but based on the brand or a sale, one could have been far less and the person receiving it isn't likely to know.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

Since this thread is still going, I'll chime in... I live in a cover your plate region, and that's just the way we do it. I've lived here all my life and it's just sort of known what the venue charges per plate (generally). I would never bring an actual wrapped gift to a wedding, that is only for showers. I don't care if anyone thinks that's tacky

I also will give more than the 'plate cost' if I want to. Which is what I might do in OP's situation for her close friend

 

[disykat]

Because poor aunt Helens gift comes from the heart. Don’t know anyone that would feel any different.

Doesn't every gift come from the heart?

See this is where this conversation confuses me. It truly seems to me that one side of this argument is that it's NOT the heart, it's the price of the wedding that drives the gift giving? This is exactly why it's so hard for one side of the disagreement to "get" the other side. It's just so hard to consider that there are monetary "rules" unspoken, or not, about a gift. Is the reason Aunt Helen is excused because people have evaluated her finances as well and given her a pass? If so, doesn't that now mean that guests evaluate the price of the wedding and gift recipients evaluate the means of the givers?

 

[Hikergirl]

Cover your plate may just be a guideline but it's pretty clear from posts here on the DIS that it is an expected guideline in certain areas.
I think that is the issue, that it is expected because "that is just how it is done here". I'm willing to bet there are plenty of people in those areas that truly aren't financially able to play for their plate but do anyway for fear of being looked down on and gossiped about for years to come.
Thank Goodness not all of NY subscribes to that.

 

[mjkacmom]

Cover your plate may just be a guideline but it's pretty clear from posts here on the DIS that it is an expected guideline in certain areas.
I think that is the issue, that it is expected because "that is just how it is done here". I'm willing to bet there are plenty of people in those areas that truly aren't financially able to play for their plate but do anyway for fear of being looked down on and gossiped about for years to come.
Thank Goodness not all of NY subscribes to that.

I’m going to say most of NY state is not part of it, only NYC metro. I don’t think those outside of this area will ever understand that it’s not the recipients expectations, it’s the guest. I suspect many of these customs were brought over from immigrants in the late 1800’s/early 1900’s, especially Irish and Italian in my area. So many families just got to jersey city or NYC and stayed within 10 or so miles, as did their descendants.

 

[shoney]

I’m going to say most of NY state is not part of it, only NYC metro. I don’t think those outside of this area will ever understand that it’s not the recipients expectations, it’s the guest. I suspect many of these customs were brought over from immigrants in the late 1800’s/early 1900’s, especially Irish and Italian in my area. So many families just got to jersey city or NYC and stayed within 10 or so miles, as did their descendants.

I agree. I asked my mom about it since it was around when she got married in the 60’s. Both parents are decendents of Irish immigrants and lives in nyc. They were not wealthy by any means She said it was a way to help the couple start out. The brides family would scrimp and save and instead of just handing the money over without a reception they would throw an elegant party. The friends and family would “cover the plate” so the bride and groom would essentially get that money back. Then the next person would do the same for another close friend or family member.

Granted weddings were cheaper My mom said hers was $25 pp and it was a multi course prime rib dinner.

She also said it was a way to socialize and go out for a fancy night. People didn’t have the money to eat out every week.

 

[scrapquitler]

Well, this may not really answer the question, but this is what I would probably do. I know you say you are all "close" but you seem closer to co-worker A.

I would attend co-worker's A wedding and give what you deem an appropriate gift. I would not travel overnight and get a hotel room for a co-workers wedding that I have known for only 8 months and a black tie affair to boot. I would decline attending and give a gift similar to A. I personally would feel compelled to give more if I attended B's wedding and the hotel, travel and entire event would be more than I would want to involve myself with.

Probably not a popular answer....

I agree with this. I only go to wedding for people I am very close to. I just don't like going to weddings in general, so if I go, its because I REALLY like you and I want to go. I"m not traveling out of town for a coworkers wedding, it's just not happening.

 

[Princessclab]

I mean no bad intent in my posts.
I am just asking some questions to try and understand the 'norms' that appear to be mentioned in some cultures here.
My apologies if persons were offended by the questions.
Saying that it is just the way it is and it is a guideline didn't really explain (to me anyway) what the thought was behind this concept.

Is it that people want to get enough to make sure the wedding is paid for as much as possible?
Also if the parents pay for the wedding, do they get the gifted money?
Again more questions to try to understand.
Thank you!

 

[mjkacmom]

I mean no bad intent in my posts.
I am just asking some questions to try and understand the 'norms' that appear to be mentioned in some cultures here.
My apologies if persons were offended by the questions.
Saying that it is just the way it is and it is a guideline didn't really explain (to me anyway) what the thought was behind this concept.

Is it that people want to get enough to make sure the wedding is paid for as much as possible?
Also if the parents pay for the wedding, do they get the gifted money?
Again more questions to try to understand.
Thank you!

Your questions have already been answered in this thread, the gifts don’t actually pay for the wedding, more likely help save for a down payment of a home if not already purchased. An average home would need about $90,000 for a down payment. Don’t most wedding girls get given with the intend on wishing the couple good wishes and maybe to help them out with their new lives together?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't care if it is 'custom', or 'guideline', or whatever anyone wants to try to call it, in order to justify it.
I, personally, would have a problem with this kind of custom, guideline, expectation.
(and, yes, the word 'EXPECTATION' DOES APPLY)

Sorry.... just doesn't add up, or hold water, or fly.

A gift is a gift is a gift.
It should be determined by the well-wishes, the good heart, and the financial means of the giver.
One should always give comfortably and cheerfully.

Gift and 'expectation' or 'custom' or 'obligation, are very very very different words.

 

[Hikergirl]

I’m going to say most of NY state is not part of it, only NYC metro. I don’t think those outside of this area will ever understand that it’s not the recipients expectations, it’s the guest. I suspect many of these customs were brought over from immigrants in the late 1800’s/early 1900’s, especially Irish and Italian in my area. So many families just got to jersey city or NYC and stayed within 10 or so miles, as did their descendants.

Oh I totally get that. As an Irish Catholic I know that all the gossip and shunning will come from those invited to the wedding, not those doing the inviting. Grudges run deep in our blood and are passed from generation to generation. If you didn't give your cousin and his wife a good gift, your future grand kids are going to hear about it LOL.
As a guest that puts alot of pressure on you, and you are darned if you do, darned if you don't. If you don't go to the wedding because you can't gift "your plate" the treatment will be the same.
I'm glad that somewhere along the way upstate my parents' families decided to break that tradition I wouldn't been able to afford to go to any weddings as a young adult and my entire family would have disowned me.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

What's the average cost of a plate at a mid-range venue where the pay your plate custom is popular?

 

[shoney]

What's the average cost of a plate at a mid-range venue where the pay your plate custom is popular?

Prob around $125 pp.

 

[mjkacmom]

Oh I totally get that. As an Irish Catholic I know that all the gossip and shunning will come from those invited to the wedding, not those doing the inviting. Grudges run deep in our blood and are passed from generation to generation. If you didn't give your cousin and his wife a good gift, your future grand kids are going to hear about it LOL.
As a guest that puts alot of pressure on you, and you are darned if you do, darned if you don't. If you don't go to the wedding because you can't gift "your plate" the treatment will be the same.
I'm glad that somewhere along the way upstate my parents' families decided to break that tradition I wouldn't been able to afford to go to any weddings as a young adult and my entire family would have disowned me.

But you don’t get it, it’s not like that at all. No one would be upset getting a small gift - at all! However, one might feel guilty giving a small gift, not because anyone would think less of them, but because they wish they could give more, that’s where the Irish Catholic guilt would come from. The funny thing is, the only folks who seem to have a problem with this are those outside the circle. Why even worry about wedding traditions that have been going on forever if they don’t affect you?

 

[Hikergirl]

But you don’t get it, it’s not like that at all. No one would be upset getting a small gift - at all! However, one might feel guilty giving a small gift, not because anyone would think less of them, but because they wish they could give more, that’s where the Irish Catholic guilt would come from. The funny thing is, the only folks who seem to have a problem with this are those outside the circle. Why even worry about wedding traditions that have been going on forever if they don’t affect you?

I don't worry, I'm just discussing.
While I grew up outside the circle, I know plenty of people in the circle now (it really isn't just those living in NYC that do this tradition, it's a really big state). I'm just thankful that where I grew up this wasn't the norm.
And I do agree that not everyone will judge you for the gift you bring, that isn't what I'm saying. In my experience, and also having a glimpse of other people's thanks to discussion boards I've seen those that do expect you to do what is expected "as per tradition".
You can feel that pay your plate is just a guideline, but that isn't going to stop people from seeing it as an expectation because as an "outsider" that is sure how it looks

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

Prob around $125 pp.

Thanks.

 

[Mika02]

Since this thread is still going, I'll chime in... I live in a cover your plate region, and that's just the way we do it. I've lived here all my life and it's just sort of known what the venue charges per plate (generally). I would never bring an actual wrapped gift to a wedding, that is only for showers. I don't care if anyone thinks that's tacky

I also will give more than the 'plate cost' if I want to. Which is what I might do in OP's situation for her close friend

I have found this seems to be a cultural thing during my wedding I received a lot of wrapped gifts at my reception none off my registry. Mostly things people think I needed and only from family (who are Jamaican and who also gave me wrapped gifts during my bridal shower). Growing up in NY and NJ there is also the cover plate mentality but I had a lot of coworkers and such who were shocked at how many wrapped gifts I received.

For OP

I agree whoever said not to attend co worker B's wedding. From personal experience I changed jobs 11 months prior to my wedding. My wedding was the Friday on a Holiday weekend. I didn't invite anyone from my new company. I did not spend time with them outside of work and I didn't feel comfortable obligating them to attend and give me a gift no matter how extravagant. I also didn't talk much about my wedding at work. I definitely wouldn't want people to have to pay travel expenses for it.

I also think Sunday weddings are unfair to attendants who are not family...

 

[verleniahall]

I would do the same gift for each, but maybe take Co-Worker "A" out for dinner with her new hubby

Like someone else stated - in an office THAT SMALL??? There is NO WAY gifts are not going to be discussed