Church lady vent!

[Val]

My 8 year old DS will have his first communion on April 25th. This IS a very exciting day. In celebration, each child "makes" a special banner, and it is placed in the church on that day...no problem. My older DD's made theirs at a group workshop, and it was a lot of fun.

We have a new group of mothers running things this year. First we got a 6 page (front AND back) set of directions on how the banners were to be made- no exceptions or yours would have to be redone. Today was "inspection" day and then final assembly. Attendance was mandatory for those who attend the church school (CCD kids were excused). The children were to attend the 2-hour event with us, and we would also see a movie about first communion and make "communion bread". No problem- or so I think. We made bread- with 24 kids hands in the dough (mmmm good!). The movie was terrible and had no "new" information so the kids wandered around the gym and started throwing around the balls. Then the banners- the mothers are sewing and ironing on the banners (according to the directions, of course). We have sewing machines (not REAL kid friendly) and irons. The children were not allowed- nor could they really help. Scalds and third degree burns are not good for pictures The kids ran around like banchees- I am not even sure my DS saw the final product.

My vent: WHY!!!!! The kids were bored, it was a mother-versus-mother competition for the "best" banner, and we got ANOTHER handout about first communion rehearsals (9 unbelievable pages). When I didn't immediately "read" mine I got a lecture from the head mother- now, this is my THIRD kid through the process AND I sing and play for the choir so I already HAVE the schedule. Why do some mothers feel the need to make others of us feel SO inferior? Why has this turned into a competition rather than a community celebration. I don't think I should be feeling this homicidal going into Lent (although giving up murder for lent is probably a good thing!).

What happened to the good old days of simplicity? Why is everything such a one-upmanship and competition? Why do mothers do this to eachother? Fathers don't seem to do this!!!

 

[KathyTX]

Val, I think that giving up murder for Lent is a very nice idea.

It sounds like you've encountered some very controlling and needy mothers there. Thank goodness you don't have to work with them very often. Being locked into these meetings and rehearsals with competitive control-hungry moms and bored 8 year olds sounds just lovely!

Just keep repeating to yourself, "This too shall pass. This too shall pass..."

 

[buzzlady]

Wow. DS is making his First Communion May 1st and we don't have anything like this. They do all the practice during their scheduled class time. They don't make any banners. Sounds like some mothers have a control and power issue. Good luck.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>My kids could make banners if they wanted but since they didn't care I didn't worry about it.

I know the pastor of my church would be interested if there were parents acting like that. I recommend writing to the head of your confirmation program, and copy the pastor.

Your child and you should be enjoying this, not stressing about it.

 

[Boo'sMom]

Originally posted by Val
... Why do mothers do this to eachother? Fathers don't seem to do this!!!

They're waiting for Cub Scouts, and pinewood derby!

 

[Kallison]

What Mary Jo said.

Boo's Mom -- good one!

 

[LuvN~Travel]

Speaking of Pinewood Derby..... My son won third in the city today!

Hopefully you'll make it through the banner making process. Any chance of a new group controlling the process next year?
Kim

 

[Val]

Thanks for the support. I thought it was JUST me...and I forgot about the dear old Pinewood derby. I have one more kid- my youngest DD is in kindergarten. Maybe I will give in and be a room parent for 2nd grade that year!

I LOVE my church and the kids school-most of the time. We are supposed to do 20 parent volunteer hours each year- with my DH, DD and myself in choir, my playing flute for various events and our various volunteering we are well over 100 hours (don't mind, we have 3 kids at the elementary/jr hi level and one in public high school- figure I owe it to the teachers). But sometimes the competitive witchy nature of the parents really gets to me. I am not convinced Catholics have the corner on this- I think it is a general church group behavior. But it SURE strikes a nerve in me! Guess I better add working for patience and understanding for lent while I give up chocolate, beer (well, except on weekends and I promise to frequent only those places owned by church members) and homicide!

 

[pammypooh]

Congrats on your son's upcoming First Communion. My DD is making hers on April 17.

Our program is run by a Director of Religious Education (DRE), who organizes everything.

We do have to make a banner and there are size requirements for the banner, however we have much leeway in what to actually put on the banner. Plus this year we have the option to purchase a "banner kit" for $5 that includes just about everything you need. We just need to design it.

We also have to write a "Love Letter" to our DD that the DRE will laminate and have for DD in our pew as a special surprise.

My advice would be to really try and look beyond the other familys competition and focus in on your son and what this day will mean for him. It should be such a joyful time and I am sorry you are going through this not necessary stress. By all means, I would speak to the DRE (if your parish has one) and or the Pastor. (But I'd wait a little bit, to be sure you have a clear head when you speak.)

I know from experience that speaking to someone, while I am still quite upset, usually does not produce the results that I am seeking.

I do wish you luck with this and hope you find peace so you may enjoy your DS special day!

Pam

 

[joshsmom]

DS makes his first communion on May 2. He is SO excited. He's been waiting for this for a long time. We get to make a banner also. The school gave us the actual banner, how we choose to decorate it is up to us. The only thing they ask is that the child's name is in the letter stencils they gave us so that each banner can be identified. DS and I have had a GREAT time designing and shopping for banner stuff.

Good luck and hang in there! Hopefully you'll be able to look back at this in ten years (from your own home and NOT a jail cell!) and laugh!

 

[Mishetta]

Hi Val, don't feel alone...our church is doing the same thing. I also received a multi paged instruction packet on how to make the banner! (Like my DS would be able to do it!! ) Honestly, why not just say "and the Parent's Banner should conform to the following specifications..." I'll be making the banner, not my DS!

Anyway, I'm trying not to stress out over it but I know that someone is going to say something that will make me want to pick up an axe! Our church's school has very competitive Mommies!

 

[Pop Daddy]

dont forget religious people wanted Jesus dead

 

[PhotobearSam]

Vent on....Just find sanity in the fact that you would never make someone else's life any more difficult by acting like they do.

 

[mom2boys]

Went through the 1st Communion thing last year & the year before. The first time wasn't bad - several parent classes & several parent/child classes. DRE at that time was well seasoned and the mother of 5. There had been a long standing rule in our parish that the parent classes only had to be repeated every 5 yrs - so for 2nd DS was expecting to only do the parent/child classes. Well in steps new DRE (prior work experience - grocery checker - nothing against grocery checkers but how does that qualify one for a DRE position ) She actually told me "I'm in charge now. I make the rules. Everyone will repeat the parent classes each time they have a child in sacrament preparation". That was our 1st encounter - it went downhill from there. The woman would start the parent meetings 30 minutes late, showed up in cap & gown with pompoms... Did I mention that Reconciliation & 1st Comm are done within monthes of each other - that meant double sacrament prep classes.
It was so bad that some people just skipped the sacrament prep, told jr. today's the day - and sent the child to Communion. WHen I mentioned this to the DRE she was speechless - no we didn't do that with DS. Guess what there is a new DRE this year.

 

[disykat]

I've run into this kind of thing in PTA, but fortunately not at church! Our church does 1st communion too, but the Pastors keep control of it - the parents participate, but are not in charge.

 

[vhoffman]

"You and your child should be enjoying this, not stressing about it"

When were these things ever meant for fun? They're competition, plain and simple. Baking bread, making banners, making any type of crafts project or any baking project is dead serious. Its how certain mothers validate themselves and judge others. The only way to win the game is not to play it--I either don't participate in such things, or, if I can't get out of it, I just do the best I can and forget about it because you'll never win with these types of mothers. That's all they've got, let them have it!

 

[joshsmom]

Originally posted by vhoffman
That's all they've got, let them have it!

AMEN!!! Well said!

 

[Disney Doll]

Those mothers are looking for validation of their superiority in motherhood, and my advice is to let them feel like they have it!!!!! They are the ones whose kids will be in therapy etc. in years to come!!!!

I would probably let it "drop" in conversation with the DRE or your pastor how "off-putting" all the rules and regs for the banners were, and how little the communicants got out of it since the parents essentially made the banners. No real lesson there for the kids.

I think this is an epidemic in our country these days. So many parents go so far "above and beyond" to make sure their child is always perceived as the "best". It's the old "my child made the best banner" or "my child had a birthday party with 50 kids, pony rides, and a clown for entertainment". Translation :see what a good parent I am for doing so much for my kid". Sad really.

 

[vhoffman]

"Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child"

I love that! If only more mothers would follow it!

 

[OhMari]

I also have 4 children, the youngest is now an 8th grader.

I feel your pain Val. Whether it was the banner or any school projects, you can always tell if a child has done it or the parent.

Around our house when huge projects come home, we always call it the Parent Project. We usually try to let our kids do as much as possible, but when they turn their projects in, you can always tell who had the parents help and who doesn't.

I always told my kids, as long as you try your hardest, I will get the supplies you need and help you but I will not do it.

It would be nice to hear from teachers how these projects are graded, when they know a parent has done the project.